Memories of a childhood
by unexpected12
Summary: Heidi is back with more tales about the McFaddens. This will be a prequel to Heidi's entries using a creative writing class she is taking as a frame.
1. Chapter 1

**I´m back! It´s been a really busy 7 months. I changed jobs and moved countries, so I didn´t have any time to do any creative writing. Anyway, this will be a sequel and a prequel to the previous story going backwards and forwards in time. Reviews welcome.**

I come from a big family, larger than the average American family with 2- 3 kids and a couple of pets. There´s 9 people in my family, soon to be 10 because my sister in law, Hannah, is pregnant and going to have a baby in a few months, something which we´re all very excited about. My family is sort of unconventional in that we don´t have a mother or father living with us but the head of our family is my oldest brother, Adam, who has looked after all of us since our parents´ death 12 years ago. Brian, who is the second oldest was also instrumental in our upbringing and remains so, especially with me and my twin brother Guthrie although the rest of my brothers are pretty much grown. My third eldest brother Crane still lives on the ranch with us and helps run the business side of it and Ford, who is next to Guthrie and me in terms of rank in age has just graduated high school and will be headed to college in the fall. Daniel is home less and less often these days what with playing music with his band; I know it won´t be long before he has enough money to move to L.A to try his luck on the music scene and Evan´s almost got enough to go on the rodeo circuit for an extended period of time too so I know that change is afoot in the house.

It´s been kind of a rough year for me. Guthrie and I just completed our freshman year at high school and while we both did well academically, I struggled emotionally over dealing with the death of my parents which I guess I only really processed this year. I kept my feelings hidden from my family for a long time but as these things do, it all came out in the end rather dramatically and I finally told them how I felt. I´ve been in an extended period of depression for a few months now- I think I could have ended a drought in a rain starved country with the river of tears that I´ve cried over the last few months but I´m starting to feel better: less angry and emotional and a bit brighter. I was seeing a therapist for a long while but we´ve come to the end of the road now and I´m ok with that- I think she´s helped me as much as she can. One thing she suggested to me to help me deal with my feelings was taking up a creative writing course which is offered once a week at weekends at my high school. It´s actually mostly adults that attend but there was no age restriction, and so they let me in. The people are nice and I´ve learned a lot.

Our latest assignment is to write about a period in our childhoods which we remember as being particularly important for some reason or other. As I said, it feels in the house like there´s about to be a major shift. Nothing can stay the same forever and things have to change which is sad but is also exciting. It looks like this year, three of my brothers might leave home although maybe not permanently which will just leave Guthrie and me alone in the house with Adam, Brian, Crane, Hannah and the new baby. I really hope it´s a girl because frankly, at the moment, I´m outnumbered.

So, because of all the changes, I´ve decided to write about a period in my childhood where there was also a period of change: when Crane went to college.

Crane is the calmest, most measured person in our family. He has more patience than both Adam and Brian combined especially with us younger kids and he´s a real soothing influence in the house, especially on Adam and Brian who have somewhat of a temper. That doesn´t mean Crane doesn´t get angry: he does- but he´s got a less explosive way of showing it. Him being away for weeks at a time seemed to cause a chain reaction in our house. Daniel and Evan used to bicker and argue a lot as kids and in their early teens and Crane was really good at offering a measured approach in contrast to Adam and Brian coming down hard. Ford has always been sort of quiet and introverted and Crane is really good at getting him to talk. Crane always seemed to have a sixth sense about what sort of trouble Guthrie and I were about to get ourselves into, gently reminding us that our plans may not be the best idea. With Crane gone, there was no one to do all these things.

The fall that he went to college, Guthrie and I were 8. It was probably one of the most tumultuous times I can remember growing up and that´s why I´ve decided to write about it for this class.

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Crane left for college the week before all of us started back at school for the new academic year. Guthrie and I were going into third grade, Daniel was going into high school and Evan and Ford were going into the 8th and 7th grades respectively. Crane had graduated top of his class at high school and the whole family were real proud of him. Being so young I didn´t pay that much attention to the adult conversations around me, but I had noted that college had been talked about in relation to Crane for a couple of years and so it wasn´t a surprise he was going. Still, it snuck up on us and although us younger kids understood that he had to go, none of us were particularly happy about it and our actions in the weekend before Crane left almost made him decide not to leave in the first place.

The weekend started like any other- with early morning chores and breakfast. Brian would cook supper most nights but at weekends, Adam and Crane were in charge of breakfast because Brian would normally go out on Friday night and be worse for wear in the morning. As Guthrie and I filed in from doing chores, both of them were by the stove making and flipping pancakes and scrambling eggs.

"Morning, babies," Crane greeted us cheerfully as we took our places at the table, "Pancakes, or scrambled eggs, or both?"

"I´m not a baby!" Guthrie protested loudly whilst I told them I just wanted pancakes.

Crane look amused but he tried to school his features to look suitably chastised.

"I´m sorry, Guthrie. Good morning, kids. Is that better?" he asked him teasingly. Guthrie did not look amused and scowled and I looked at him in surprise. It was rare for Guthrie to be in a bad mood.

"Uh oh, looks like someone´s cranky this morning," Adam said, noting Guthrie´s unusual bad mood, "What´s the matter, didn´t you sleep well?" Adam put down the spatula he was holding to look at Guthrie intently.

"No, Adam, I slept fine," Guthrie said to Adam quietly who looked at him for another moment and then went back to stirring the batter.

"And what about you, little miss?" he directed at me.

"I slept good, Adam," I said only to be drowned out by the cacophony of voices belonging to Evan and Daniel who entered the kitchen through the back and who were arguing loudly over what appeared to be morning chores and sitting down at their places at the table.

"I´m just sayin´ that I mucked out the stables last weekend so it´s your turn today," Daniel shot at Evan who replied with, "Nuh uh! Last weekend you did it because you _owed_ me for last month so it´s _still_ your turn today."

"That´s bullshit, Evan, you actually owe me because I did it twice for you at the start of the summer that time when you wanted to go into Murphys with Crane and that time that you stayed the night at the start of the summer at Fred McCauley´s house," Daniel returned.

Evan´s eyes narrowed, "You don´t think I´d remember what I owe, Daniel? Why don´t you just man up and do it instead of complaining like a little girl. I might as well call you Heidi!"

"Hey!" I protested, hurt and annoyed at the unprovoked insult.

"Why are you such as asshole Evan, huh?" Daniel asked him angrily and Evan kicked him under the table.

"Adam, he kicked me!" Daniel protested to Adam.

"He started it!"

Adam blew out air in exasperation. "Cut it out both of you!"

"But-"

"No. I do not want to hear another word from either of you unless it´s to say something decent. Adam waved the spatula at both Daniel and Evan who were looking sulky. "This is why Brian and I are always telling you not to swap chores because you can´t remember who covered whom. Daniel, we do not go around calling each other assholes in this house and Evan, we do not go around kicking each other. Lord, both of you are acting younger than the twins. Apologise to each other!"

Evan and Daniel looked at each mutinously and Adam barked, "NOW!"

"Sorry," they both muttered looking like they didn´t mean it at all.

Guthrie and I looked at Adam in interest- he normally didn´t like it when apologies were insincere but I guess he must have decided to leave it this time because he went back to flipping pancakes.

"Where´s Ford?" he asked us all.

"I think he´s still in the barn," said Evan.

"Heidi, run out and grab him for breakfast," Adam told me and I obeyed him immediately, running out the front door and down to the barn yelling "Fooooord" at the top of my lungs.

I found Ford sitting on one of the hay bales, with his head in hands.

"Ford, Adam says you´re to come for breakfast," I told him in a rush, already turning to leave again.

Ford made no effort to move and then said softly, "Okay, tell him I´m coming in a minute."

I walked up to him and shook his leg slightly, "I´d come now. Adam´s already not happy because Evan and Daniel have been at it," I told him, trying to be helpful.

Ford still didn´t move. I couldn´t see his face because his head was still in his hands.

"What´s the matter?" I asked him, worriedly, "Don´t you feel well?"

Ford shook his head a little, "I´ve just got a little headache is all," he said. "Tell Adam I´ll be there in a minute."

"I´m going to get Adam," I told him and when he didn´t protest, I ran quickly out the barn up to the house and arrived in the kitchen breathless running right up to Adam and tugging on his shirt.

"Adam, I don´t think Ford´s feeling too good. He says he´s only got a little headache but he´s got his head in his hands."

Adam and Crane exchanged a look. "Sounds like another migraine," Crane said and Adam nodded, putting down the spatula and heading towards the door to see to Ford.

"What´s a migraine?" I asked Crane who had taken over Adam´s job scrambling eggs and was now manning both pancakes and eggs at the same time.

"It´s a really bad headache," Crane told me, "Ford´s been getting them lately."

"How come?" I asked.

Crane shook his head slightly, "I don´t know, Heidi, some people just get them. I think Adam was planning to take him to the doctor."

"But why do some people get them?" I asked persistently. Crane put his hand on my head ruffled my hair slightly.

"I don´t know, miss 1000 questions. Now go on back to your seat, I´m just about to dish up." Crane used the spatula to put the last of the pancakes on the plate and set it on the table where it seemed like endless hands reached out to grab them. He scooped the eggs into a bowl and put it down on the table and then poured himself a glass or orange juice before sitting down.

Just as we were starting to eat, Brian appeared looking worse for wear and rubbing his eyes. He ran his hand over my hair and then sat down in his place next to Guthrie and across from me and helped himself to a couple of pancakes and some eggs.

"Where´s Adam and Ford?" he asked the table in general and then noticed the general sulky faces of Guthrie, Evan and Daniel. "Hey, what´s the matter with you guys?"

Daniel took the opportunity to plead his cause. "It´s Evan´s turn to muck out the stables but he doesn´t remember because he´s got the memory of a goldfish," Daniel said petulantly. Brian´s face clouded over with impatience. Evan opened his mouth to retaliate when Crane butted in.

"Come on, guys, Adam already told you two what´s what about this. Truth is that you´ve both probably forgotten who owes who a million times over. Why don´t we settle this now by tossing a coin and then I´ll help whoever loses."

"You don´t have to do that, especially on your last weekend at home," Brian told Crane a little impatiently rubbing his temples. He got up and poured a large cup of coffee. "You two," he said, pointing at Evan and Daniel, "are old enough to be responsible about your chores. You will _both_ muck out the stables and that´s the end of it."

Both Daniel and Evan opened their mouths to protest but Brian held up one of his hands.

"I don´t want to hear it. I´ve got a massive headache and if I hear another word out of you two on this, you´ll be grounded the whole weekend. Is that what you want?"

Evan and Daniel looked mightily unhappy but they shook their heads.

I turned to Brian. "Brian, do you have a migraine?" I asked him curiously.

Brian took a sip of his coffee. "No, Heidi, it´s just a regular headache."

"Crane says that Adam´s going to take Ford to the doctor because he has migraines. How come you always have a headache on a Saturday morning?" I asked innocently. It was not until I was older did I realize that Brian´s headaches were self-inflicted and at that moment, I was genuinely curious.

Brian ignored my question and turned to Crane, "Damn, Ford has another migraine?"

Crane nodded, "Adam´s out in the barn with him now."

"How come, Brian?" I asked again. I hadn´t eaten much breakfast yet because I had been watching the various dramas unfold. Brian noticed my almost full plate.

"Eat your breakfast."

"But you haven´t answered my question!"

Guthrie, who had been uncharacteristically quiet the whole time and quietly eating his breakfast turned to me. "It´s because he gets wasted every weekend stays out really late and gets laid," he said with authority.

Crane made a choking sound and I looked at him to see that he had turned very red but he didn´t look embarrassed. He looked like he was trying not to laugh. Brian was staring at Guthrie, looking almost dumbfounded.

"What does gets laid mean?" I asked the table and Evan and Daniel started laughing and hooting until Brian glared at them furiously and then both looked down at their plates and concentrated on eating and trying not to laugh.

"Where did you hear that, Guthrie?" Brian asked him in a dangerously low voice. When he used that voice, you knew you better run and run fast, but Guthrie didn´t seem to notice and shrugged nonchalantly. "Heard it at school."

Brian´s eyes narrowed and pointed at him, "Listen, little brother, that´s-"

Guthrie was saved momentarily at the moment because Brian was interrupted by Adam who opened the door with his arm around Ford´s shoulders, leading him into the house and immediately up the stairs. Ford was leaning against Adam´s side and he had his eyes half closed. "Let´s get you to bed," Adam was saying to him. Seeing Ford clearly in so much pain distracted Brian from confronting Guthrie about his words and he got up from the table and followed Adam up the stairs.

Crane turned to Daniel and Evan, "If you two are finished breakfast, I´d get going on the stables."

Both of them started grumbling about how unfair it was but Crane told them that considering the start to Brian and Adam´s mornings, he didn´t think it was a good idea to tangle with either of them and so both boys put their dishes in the sink and trudged reluctantly outside.

Crane then turned his attention to Guthrie. "And you! Make yourself scarce and wait for Brian to cool off. I can´t believe you said that to him!"

Guthrie´s eyes widened. "What´s the big deal, Crane? Frank at school told me that his big sister told him that Brian lays a different woman every weekend."

Crane shook his head. "Guthrie, do you know what getting laid means?"

Guthrie, for the first time, looked a bit unsure and uncomfortable. "I think so…"

"Well, what does it mean?!" I demanded, glad that my question would finally be answered.

"Well… I think it means-" but it was at that moment, we heard loud hollering; an aggressive primal sound different to the sound of people calling to one another or messing around. Crane was up and out the door like a shot. Guthrie and I followed him out onto the front porch to see Daniel and Evan down by the stables throwing punches at each other, dragging each other to the ground in the process and wrestling in the hay much like a pair of angry bulls…


	2. When you love someone

**Thanks to those who reviewed: it means a lot. : )**

Guthrie and I stayed standing on the porch watching the drama unfold in front of us. Rather than roughhousing or playfully wrestling which Daniel and Evan made a regular occurrence, to which no one batted an eyelid, now they seemed intent on bashing lumps out each other. Although Daniel was taller, Evan had the advantage of being fairly broad, even at 13 and he could hold his own. Crane ran towards them like a bullet and at a particular moment where Evan had Daniel pinned to the ground and was slugging him, Crane caught hold of Evan by the waist and pulled him backwards. But Evan was clearly seeing red and had lost all semblance of self-control because he bucked in Crane´s hold like a wild colt and Crane, clearly not expecting this level of aggression from Evan, couldn´t quite contain him and Evan lunged himself at Daniel again. Daniel had managed to get his wind back, and this time they grappled standing up, still trying to swing punches at each other.

It was at that moment that Adam appeared on the front porch, presumably having heard the commotion from he and Brian´s room upstairs window. I knew they would have installed Ford in their room because that´s generally where they put one of us younger kids when we were sick. At that time, I didn´t question it, but now I think it´s because it´s what my mom used to do when one of us were sick, according to Brian.

Adam paused on the front porch for a split second surveying the mess and Crane´s herculean efforts to separate the boys to no avail. "Doggonit," we heard him swear as he flew past us, running towards the stables and jumping deftly over the fences in an effort to get there quickly.

Guthrie turned to me with wide eyes. "Boy… this is bad," he said a little breathlessly.

"No kidding," I said, my eyes still glued to the fracas ahead.

Adam reached the fray in record time, and pulled Daniel roughly from Evan and then inserted himself in the middle of the two of them, knowing that neither of them would dare attempt to swing at each other with him in the crossfire. Crane, by this point had managed to grab Evan and was holding him back.

Although Guthrie and I could see everything from our vantage point on the porch, we were still a bit of distance from the barn and so we couldn´t hear everything clearly. Adam looked to be scolding and gesticulating angrily to Evan and Daniel, no doubt berating them about their fight. All of sudden, Adam´s scolding came to an end and he took Daniel in a firm grip in one arm and Evan in an equally firm grip in another arm, marching them both up to the house. Both of them were covered in mud and dirt and Evan had a bloody nose. Daniel looked to be crying, which wasn´t such a shock as Daniel tended to be fairly emotional lately at all sorts of things. As they got closer, I could see that both of them looked sulky and I didn´t blame them: I wouldn´t want to be in their shoes.

Adam ignored Guthrie and I as he frogmarched Evan and Daniel up the front steps and in through the front door. Crane wasn´t far behind, his clothes a bit scuffled from his efforts. Unlike Adam, he didn´t ignore our presence but crouched down and addressed us directly as we looked at him with wide eyes expectantly.

"Not the best start to the weekend, huh?" he said, with a wry smile.

"Why were they fighting?" Guthrie asked. Crane shook his head.

"Hormones, I expect."

"What are hormones?" I asked him.

"They´re like chemical messages in the body and when you´re a teenager, you get more of them and sometimes they can make you act a bit reckless and crazy," he said.

"Ew," Guthrie said, wrinkling up his nose, I never want hormones."

Crane chuckled and ruffled his hair, "Tough luck, kiddo, it happens to us all."

Guthrie looked thoughtful and Crane straightened up.

"Heidi, it´s your turn to help with the breakfast dishes this morning. I think it´s Adam´s too, but since he´s dealing with this right now, I´ll help you."

I couldn´t help feeling a little disappointed. It´s not that I didn´t love Crane fiercely. I did. But Crane and I actually spent quite a lot of time together one on one because he would often do my reading homework with me. Adam was always so busy and apart from bedtime, where he and Brian would alternate tucking us in and reading us a story, we didn´t get to spend too much time together these days. Even at bedtime, Guthrie was always there as we shared a room. When Adam and I did dishes together, he would chat to me about school and what I thought about particular things and it felt special. But I didn´t want Crane to feel badly so I didn´t say anything and followed him inside. Guthrie didn´t follow, so I assumed he would play outside.

As I followed Crane into the house, I saw that Daniel and Evan were in the living room on opposite sides of the couch closest to the staircase. Evan was holding a cloth on his nose to stop the bleeding and Daniel was holding an ice pack on his eye which from the looks of it, would be quite the shiner. Evan had a scratch on one side of his face and Daniel also had a bruise forming on his chin. Both of them were sitting sullenly, refusing to look at each other, or Adam and now Brian, both of whom were standing in front of them. I desperately wanted to stay and watch, but Crane pulled me into the kitchen and handed me a dishtowel.

"I´ll wash, you dry," he said to me, while filling the sink with water and dish soap. "Stack the plates, will ya?"

I cleared the table as best I could, listening to Adam and Brian get the details of what had transpired and how the fight had started. Both of them were blaming each other for provoking the other and throwing the first punch and they started in on each other again until I heard Adam boom, "Enough!"

I made as though I was still clearing the table and peered into the living room, wanting to see what was happening, but Crane was wise to me. Almost immediately, he pulled me back by the straps of my overalls and then turned me around in the direction of the sink, giving me a firm swat to the backside which didn´t really hurt.

"Dry," he said, handing me the dishtowel.

I sighed as I started drying the dishes.

"You KNOW I really dislike fighting, especially between you. You´re brothers. You can disagree and even drive each other crazy, but you do not lay a hand on each other; I don´t care how upset you are," I heard Adam say to Evan and Daniel, who remained silent. I could imagine them sullenly away- both of them had turned really moody lately, but Adam always demanded that any of us look directly at him if he was scolding us. "Eyes!" he barked.

"You´re both grounded for the week. You can forget about going to Nicki´s later," Adam said, referring to a mutual friend of Daniel and Evan´s where they often spent a Saturday afternoon and sometimes evening with their friends. "And you can forget about all your activities this week. If I can´t trust you to get along with each other at home, then you can´t be trusted outside the ranch either."

"That´s not fair!" Evan shouted. He sounded furious, and his voice wavered as though he were about to burst into tears.

"Want to make it two weeks?" Adam asked him, in the tone that he used when he was about to lose his mind with temper. Evan clearly recognized it because he replied sulkily, "No".

"Have you mucked out the stables yet?" I head Brian ask the boys and they must have shook their heads no, because he said then, "Well, you can take yourselves back out there and make an effort to work together to do it, coz it won´t get done itself."

"I´m not goin´ with _him_ ," Daniel said mutinously and I could just imagine Brian narrowing his eyes, like he does when something vexes him, because he said then in a loud voice, "Boy, you will do as you´re told."

Crane had finished the dishes by this point and had wiped the table down while I was drying dishes. He must have sensed a possible escalation of tension because he quickly crossed through to the living room which I thought was a bit unfair because he had stopped me from doing the same thing earlier. I decided to drop my dish towel and go into the living room.

"Hey, guys, I´ll help you out. Let´s go," he directed at Daniel and Evan, grabbing his jacket from the hook at the door.

"No, Crane. You´ve got enough to do, packing and all for Monday," Adam said firmly but Crane could always get away with much more where Adam and Brian were concerned.

"It´s fine, he said and clapped his hands in a rousing motion in the direction of the boys. "Vamos, Let´s go."

"If I hear but one word from Crane that there´s been any more trouble, I will spank you both," Adam said to Evan and Daniel, his hand on his hips. "You got that?"

"Yes," Evan said quietly, refusing to meet Adam´s eye, but Daniel got up without answering him.

Adam caught his arm as he tried to brush past, "Answer me!" he demanded.

Daniel wrested his arm out of Adam´s hold, "Yes, _dad_ ," he said sarcastically. All my brothers- well- apart from Brian and Guthrie, but Daniel the most called Adam ´dad´ when they were irritated or upset, or even if they just wanted to needle him a bit. Adam hated it. I never did it. Sometimes I thought I would have liked to, because it would be nice to call someone ´dad´ but I knew that Adam really hated it and I wasn´t in the habit of trying to poke at him- well not yet anyway.

Just as Crane was herding the boys out the back door, Guthrie´s voice sailed in from the front lawn.

"Dr Mead is here!"

Adam walked to the front door and opened it for Dr Mead who stepped into the house and shook Adam´s hand.

"Hi Doc, we sure do appreciate you comin´ out like this on a Saturday mornin," Adam said to him. "We´ve been meanin´ to bring Ford for a while now. This mornin´ his head is seemin´ to really hurt him.

"Oh, it´s not a problem. Was doing some rounds in the area anyway and I´ve always had a soft spot for little Ford. For all you McFadden kids."

Dr Mead had been our physician for my whole life and I think for Adam and Brian´s whole lives too, so for a long time. He never seemed to age to me; he always looked like a grandfather with white hair and grey bushy eyebrows. He had sparkling blue eyes and an easy laugh and the best thing about him was that he always gave kids a treat after he examined them. They weren´t big treats- just a small piece of candy or so- but to a kid, a treat is a treat.

I bounded up to him now. "Hi, Dr Mead!" I said enthusiastically.

"Well if it isn´t Miss Heidi. Goodness me, you´re taller every time I see you!"

I giggled. "I´ve grown an inch since March!" I told him proudly, and then because I liked him and wanted to be helpful, I said, "Have you come to see Ford? He´s got migraines. It´s like a really bad headache is what Crane says. He´s been getting them a lot lately. This morning he had one in the barn and Adam had to go get him. He´s in Adam and Brian´s room now."

Dr Mead looked amused and Brian came forward and put a hand on my head pulling me back gently.

"Ok, Motormouth," he said, "Let Dr Mead get up there and do his job."

Dr Mead smiled at me. "You´ve been most helpful, Heidi, and what do I have here?" he asked, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small piece of hard candy. "Ah yes, a little thank you for giving me context."

He handed the candy to me and I was delighted, unwrapping it and stuffing it into my mouth immediately, "Thanks, Dr Mead!"

"What about me?!" Guthrie said, looking put out a bit.

"Guthrie!" both Adam and Brian reprimanded at the same time.

"Well of course you get one too," Dr Mead said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out another piece. "You greeted me at my car and brought me into the house, so you were helpful too."

He handed it to Guthrie who thanked him and beamed.

Adam shook his head slightly, but he looked amused, and then he led Dr Mead upstairs to examine Ford.

Brian looked down at Guthrie and I. He looked even more tired than he had at breakfast, if that were possible. "Have you two done your mornin´ chores?" he asked.

"Yep, Guthrie said, nodding, but I hadn´t done mine yet and told Brian so.

"Better get to it, then," he said and then he disappeared into the laundry room. I thought that perhaps he would have something to say to Guthrie about what Guthrie had said at breakfast to him but he seemed to have forgotten about it. Now that I´m older, I suspect that Brian was choosing to forget. At the time, I was still desperate to know what ´getting laid´ meant and I made a mental note to ask Daniel later, him being my go to person when I wanted to understand something that I couldn´t ask Brian, Adam or Crane.

After I did my chores, which didn´t take me too long, I came back into the house at the moment where Dr Mead was sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee at the table. Crane, who must have come in when I was out, Adam and Brian were also sitting there, Adam and Crane also with a cup of coffee in their hands. I walked into the kitchen to wash my hands at the sink and none of them seemed to take notice of me lingering there after I was done.

"So, what do you think is causin´ these migraines, doc?" Adam asked Dr Mead.

"Hard to say, unfortunately," Dr Mead replied. Could be a whole host of things. They´re not rightly understood by medical professionals. Could be food allergies, sensory sensitivity, hormonal changes. Tell me, is Ford sleeping ok? Eating ok?"

"Well, sure," Brian said, looking at the others for confirmation. "He has a regular bedtime, he sleeps through the night, and he has a good appetite."

Dr Mead nodded and then paused for a second, seeming to consider something. "Is there anything that would be causing Ford any undue stress? Any changes in the family, or any changes about to happen?"

There was a momentary silence and then Crane said slowly, "I´m going away to college on Monday. But Ford hasn´t seemed particularly upset about it or anything."

Dr Mead nodded again. "Well, of course, I can´t say for sure but Ford has always been a quiet and sensitive little fellow. Could be that he´s not even aware of how he´s feeling but his body is acting for him. Course, it could always be somethin´ else."

"What should we do. To help him, I mean?" Adam asked Dr Mead. His brow was wrinkled like it usually got when he was real concerned or mad about something.

"I´ve given a real strong dose of a painkiller. He should sleep the rest of the day and hopefully when he awakes, he´ll be feeling better. If the migraines increase in terms of frequency and intensity over the next few weeks, I think you can attribute it to Ford´s feelings about Crane´s departure. Just reassure him. Spend time with him. Make him feel safe. If they don´t abate in frequency after a few weeks, bring him into the clinic and we can do some blood testing. Tylenol should work for the pain as long as you give him a dose as soon as the pain comes on and continue for 24 hours. He´s so young, I wouldn´t like him to take anything stronger apart from this once."

"Will do, thanks doc," Adam said and he was echoed by the others.

They started to discuss other things which were of no interest to me, so I went outside and found Guthrie. We decided to go down to the creek and frog hunt which is where we spent the rest of the morning, giggling and splashing each other. We climbed our favorite tree and rested on the thick branches, looking down at the world below us, silent for a moment. Guthrie and I spent so much time together that we didn´t need to talk sometimes.

Guthrie was picking at the bark on a large twig he had picked up earlier and taken up into the tree with us when I said to him, "Guth, what do you think it will be like when Crane´s not here?"

Guthrie shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno. I haven´t really thought much about it."

"Me either," I replied. "But I mean, it´s going to be real strange without him around. I mean… who will do all the numbers in the ranch books, or help us with our homework, or do our reading with us?

"Adam or Brian, I suppose." Guthrie had stopped picking at his twig and was looking at me directly now. I could see that I had got him thinking too because his face was scrunched up like it does when he´s trying to figure something out.

"But how will they have time? They´re always so busy. And they have less patience than Crane… Crane hardly ever gets mad at us or the others," I said, sighing heavily. It was really starting to sink in what Crane´s departure would mean to our family.

"I guess…" Guthrie said glumly. He didn´t really offer up anything else and neither did I. My words killed our jocular mood earlier and we trudged home despondently for lunch although I wasn´t hungry at all. The whole way home I thought about how I hadn´t really appreciated my time drying dishes with Crane earlier.

When we arrived back at the house, everyone else was already seated, minus Ford who was still upstairs sleeping, and they were serving themselves food. Adam asked Guthrie and I how we had spent the morning and we told him, but our voices must have betrayed our emotions because he asked, "Why so glum?"

Both of us just shrugged and helped ourselves to some of Brian´s chilli. I didn't take a lot because Adam and Brian had a rule that we had to finish what was on our plates and my stomach felt like it was churning. Evan and Daniel appeared to have made up, or at least, they didn´t seem to be at odds anymore. Evan made a joke which Daniel even laughed at. Those two were like that though. One minute they could be knocking bells out each other and then next, they were best friends again.

I didn´t say a single word for the first part of lunch. Not a word. This was out of character and it didn´t escape anyone´s notice either.

"Cat your tongue?" Brian asked me from across the table.

I half smiled at his attempt at humor and just shrugged my shoulders even though I knew it was something that drove Brian mad.

"Did anything happen this mornin´ while you and Guthrie were out playin´"? Adam asked, putting his fork down to look at Guthrie and I properly.

Both Guthrie and I shook our heads no but everyone at the table was now looking at us expectantly. I felt compelled to say something and put my fork down, looking at Crane who today was sitting at the opposite end of the table next to Evan.

"It´s just… Crane… do you really have to go away to college? Coz I don´t want you to."

Crane looked sad at my words and opened his mouth to reply but Adam got there first.

"Heidi! Crane´s worked really hard for this opportunity. Of course he´s got to go!"

I looked at Adam. The tone of his voice had been admonishing but he didn't look mad.

"But why?" I asked him, "You didn´t go to college. Brian didn´t go. Why does Crane have to go?"

"They didn´t go because they´re taking care of us, not coz they didn´t want to," Daniel shot in, and Evan nodded.

"But Crane also takes care of us," Guthrie said, folding one knee on his chair and sort of standing up before settling back down into what looked like an uncomfortable position.

"I´ll come back for some weekends and for vacations," Crane said softly. His face had gone a bit red. "The time will pass real quickly. I promise. And I´ll call. And we can even write letters to each other. Be like penpals."

"It´s not the same," I said grumpily and Brian said "Heidi," in a warning tone.

"Look," Adam said gently addressing Guthrie and I, but also Daniel and Evan, and I expect to some extent Crane. "We´re all going to miss Crane when he´s at college and he´ll miss us too I´m sure." Crane nodded at that. Adam continued, "But when you love someone, you want what´s best for them over what´s best for yourself and sometimes that might feel bad or hurt inside even though it´s the right thing."

"Like Wings!" Evan exclaimed and the others laughed apart from me because I was looking down at my plate. Unexpected tears filled my eyes which I quickly brushed away. Evan was referring to the sickly sparrow we had found and named Wings. We had nursed it back to health. None of us wanted to let him go but Adam had told us that if we really loved Wings, we would let him be free again.

Adam smiled at Evan, "I guess you could look at it that way."

"Sweetie, look at me," Adam said quietly and when I did, I could see from his eyes that he was hurting too. "In the long run, it will be best for all of us too because Crane will have a college education and that will help with running the ranch. I´d like all of you to go to college when the time comes," Adam said.

"Maybe you two can help me make cookies for Crane to take with him on Monday," Brian said, addressing Guthrie and I and giving us a half smile. He would have asked Evan and Daniel too, but lately Daniel especially had been moaning every time he was lumped into activities with us younger kids.

I nodded and Guthrie perked up at the idea. He started negotiated with Brian to make other sorts of cookies as well. I still wasn´t happy about Crane going away but Adam´s argument couldn´t really be argued with.

After lunch Guthrie and I helped Brian make cookies- we ended up making mountains of them. Then, Brian went to the grocery store in Murphys and took Guthrie with him. I didn´t feel like going, so decided I would spend the afternoon coloring and drawing. I liked to draw huge black mazes and squiggles and then color in all the different shapes, giving them different patterns or themes. Like reading, it would keep me occupied for hours and I could lose an entire morning or afternoon to it.

Later that evening, supper passed without event. Ford´s head still hurt but he was feeling slightly better and he joined us at the table although he didn´t eat much. Normally we had staggered bedtimes, which Guthrie and I hated because we always had to go up first and much earlier than say, Daniel or Evan, but that night, Adam and Brian sent us all up at the same time. Ford, because he had a headache and Evan and Daniel because they were being punished for their fight earlier that day. We all grumbled, but obeyed. After Guthrie and I had been tucked in for the night, I fell asleep straight away, but I woke up an hour later according to my bedside clock and couldn´t get back to sleep. Guthrie was breathing heavily, but that didn´t really bother me as I was used to it. I just kept thinking about the realization that in 2 days time, Crane would be away and he wouldn´t get to see him for weeks on end. That´s a long time when you´re 8.

After tossing and turning for what seemed like forever, I decided to go downstairs and ask for a glass of warm milk. If I was lucky and they were in a good mood, one of the guys might read to me downstairs until I was tired again.

I opened my bedroom door quietly, so as not to wake Guthrie and padded out onto the landing. I could hear my oldest brothers talking to each other, all of them sitting in the living room downstairs as they did sometimes when the rest of us had gone to bed. I held my breath and crouched down in front of my bedroom door so I could hear what they were saying. Although I knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, I still did it sometimes, despite the risk of being caught.

"What a day; I´m bone tired," Brian groaned. From what I could see, he was laid, sprawled out on one of the couches, massaging his head in circles.

"Kids sure were a handful," Adam agreed. He was sitting with his legs on the coffee table, with a beer in his hand. From where I was on the landing, he had his back to me.

Crane was sitting at the piano, quietly tinkering with the keys so as not to awake any of us kids upstairs.

"How you feelin´ about Monday?" Adam asked him. Crane just shrugged his shoulders.

"You guys should head out real early on Monday to beat the traffic. I´ll cover your chores," Brian said, sitting up slightly on his forearms. Again, Crane didn´t say anything.

I couldn't see Adam´s face from where I was sitting but I heard the concern in his voice when he said, "You ok, brother?"

There was another moment of silence and then Crane´s hands fell away from the piano key and into his lap. His voice was very quiet.

"Listen guys, I´ve been thinking. And the thing is, I don´t think I should go away to college."


	3. A new life

**I do appreciate not much is happening at the moment but this is just what I felt compelled to write. I have a proper storyline in mind for later chapters concerning a teenage Heidi and her friends but I´m building up to it. Anyway- thank you to faithful readers and reviewers. Long live the McFaddens!**

I held my breath on the landing and crouched down so I could listen further, feeling a short spark of hope shoot through me at Crane´s words. There was a slight pause and then Brian sat up properly to look at Crane directly.

"What the hell? Of course you´re going!" Brian said loudly to which Crane shushed him and said, "You´ll wake the kids."

"I don´t care if I wake the whole damn county," Brian said in the same loud tone. He leaned forward slightly. "What the hell kind of a reaction do you expect after blurtin´ out somethin´ like that?"

"For pete´s sake, pipe down Brian," Adam said firmly. "I swear if you wake the kids and we have to spend time settlin´ everyone down again, you´d best sleep with one eye open."

I knew that Guthrie and Evan wouldn´t wake up because they were heavy sleepers and could probably sleep through a bomb raid. Ford would be out for the count with all the pain meds he was on and it was too early for Daniel to be asleep. Most likely, he was zoned out on his bed listening to music on his walkman. I was smart enough to know that now was not the time to beg for a glass of warm milk and a story and I knew I shouldn´t be listening in on this conversation. I had been warned a number of times about it, but my philosophy was that if no one was going to tell me things, then what was a girl to do?

Brian humphed slightly in response to Adam, but he sat back down. Satisfied that Brian´s temper was under control, Adam turned to look at Crane intently.

"Crane, what´s this talk about not goin´?"

Crane hung his head and looked at the floor giving a deep sigh and then he looked up again, "Look guys, let´s be real for a minute. Both of you work flat out here as it is, looking after the kids and running the ranch. You´re both up to capacity, how you going to manage when I´m gone?"

"Well, we´ll- " Adam started before Crane butted in again.

"And it´s like you said at supper, Adam. When you love people, you want what´s best for them, you put them first, before your own needs."

"For god´s sake, he didn´t mean YOU!" Brian exploded again to which Adam and Crane said "Shhhhh!" at the same time. It would have been comical in another situation.

"Look, Crane. I get that you´re worried. I do. And believe it or not, I understand how you feel. You do a helluva lot around here and we appreciate everythin´ you do. I won´t pretend that it won´t be hard and it´ll take some getting used to, but Brian and me- we´ll figure it out," Adam said.

Crane looked at him for a moment and then stood up. He walked over to the front door and put one hand on the wall sort of leaning against it with his head down. When he spoke, his voice was quiet.

"It´s not just that. I´m damaging the kids. You heard Dr Mead- Ford- his migraines are about me going away. And Danil- he´s so vulnerable right now. He´s always crying about something. Have you noticed that? And the twins- well- you saw them at supper."

"Dr Mead said that he didn´t rightly know what was causing Ford´s headaches. He didn´t say for sure that they were being caused by him being stressed you´re going away, "Brian pointed out. "Look, kids go away all the time to college and yes, their siblings miss them, but they get over it!"

"It´s not the same with us though, Brian and you know it," Crane shot back. His voice had an edge to it now and I could see that he was starting to get frustrated. Brian held his gaze for a moment and then he nodded as if to validate Crane´s claims.

"I´m not going, guys," Crane said quietly but firmly. "There´s nothing you can do about it. I´m grown and I make my own decisions."

Brian just shook his head but Adam got up and walked over to Crane, going right up to him and invading his personal space. He put a hand on the back of his neck and then said something so quietly to him that I had to strain to make it out.

"Crane: you´re going. I know you want to go. It´s always been your dream and you´ve worked hard for it. You have had more responsibility growin´ up than most kids and now it´s your time to get to do somethin´ for yourself. We´re not goin´ anywhere. We´ll be here and we´ll be supportin´ you every step of the way."

Crane hadn´t been able to meet Adam´s eye when he was talking and he was looking down but now he lifted his head and I could see even from where I was sitting that Crane was crying. He said something too low to make out to Adam and Adam said, "I know," and then pulled him in to hug him and just held him.

My heart dropped to my stomach- it was scary seeing Crane cry, in fact I don´t think I had seen him cry properly at all, now that I could remember it. Daniel, Evan, Ford and Guthrie, sure- hardly a week went by without tears of some sort, but my oldest three brothers always seemed made of steel. The most I had seen were wet eyes.

I knew that I had seen enough and also seen and heard something I wasn´t supposed to. I had to get myself back into my room and into bed though I knew I´d never be able to sleep. I stood up and turned around, but as I did so, the landing creaked fairly loudly and I froze in place, a pained expression on my face. I tried to move silently again but the floor creaked once more and I heard Brian say, "What the-" and then I knew he had spotted me because he came quickly up the stairs and before I knew it, he had taken my arm and turned me to face him.

"What are you doin´ out of bed?" he demanded quietly.

I was thinking quickly, measuring up if I could get away with lying and telling him that his yelling had woken me up, or whether I should confess to having been there for a while. I wasn´t the best liar at that age- I´m better now. Not that it´s anything to be proud of.

"Well…uh… you see I couldn´t sleep," I said, hoping my vague answer would be enough.

Brian´s eyes narrowed slightly and then he took my hand and led me firmly to the room he shared with Adam. He shut the door and then turned back round to face me. I shifted nervously from one foot to the other, and chewed on one of my fingernails.

"How long have you been standing there?" Brian asked me again, looking down at me with his hands on his hips. He didn´t look pleased. Not at all.

"Just a little while…" I croaked.

"What does ´a little while´ mean?"

"Not long, Brian, really. I couldn´t sleep so I came out my room to ask for some warm milk but then I heard you guys talking and…"

"And you thought that you´d just stay and listen, is that it?" Brian finished for me, with an eyebrow raised.

I didn´t say anything and he took my silence as confirmation. He ran a hand over his face in exhaustion.

"What have you been told about eavesdropping, young lady?" he said sternly to me and I swallowed.

"Uh… not to do it…"

"And yet there I find you, out of bed way past your bedtime doing the exact thing you´ve been told not to do."

"I didn´t mean to… I swear…it just happened," I said a bit desperately. I was close to tears and was wishing I had never left my room in the first place.

"I really don´t like this habit you seem to have picked up, Heidi. It´s sneaky and I don´t like sneaky. Do I need to put you over my knee to make the point clear?"

I shook my head vehemently. "No, I swear. I really didn´t mean to eavesdrop. I just wanted a glass of milk..." I repeated.

Brian sighed and I noticed that he looked really really tired. He ran his hand through his hair like he did sometimes when he was frustrated.

"Is Crane ok…?" I asked him in a small voice.

"Yes, Heidi, he´s fine. He´s just emotional is all. But this is why you shouldn´t be listening to things not meant for your ears. It´s an invasion of someone´s privacy," Brian said.

"I´m sorry…"

"Hmm, I´m not sure you are, but I´m beat and it´s getting late now. You need to get back to bed and we´ll talk more about this tomorrow," he said.

But I was so het up after what I had seen and being told off that I didn´t think I could sleep and I told Brian so.

"Well close your eyes and try really hard."

"It won´t help!" I said tearily. I was overtired now and on the verge of a meltdown. I knew better than to throw a tantrum but sometimes, especially when I was really tired, my emotions got the best of me. "Can I have some warm milk? Or will you read to me?" I begged.

"No, kiddo," Brian said. "I love you, but I won´t reward you for doing something wrong and you´re still in trouble. I´ll tuck you back into bed and sit with you for a little bit, ok?"

I knew that was the best I was going to get so I nodded and he put a hand on my back and led me gently out of his room down the hall to my room. As we were walking, I looked over the balcony to see that Adam and Crane were no longer in the living room, but through one of the windows, I could see the backs of their heads and figured they were sitting on the porch swing.

Brian followed me into my room and pulled my covers back, motioning for me to climb in. When I did, he pulled the covers up over me and tucked me up like a sausage which made me giggle. He put his finger to his mouth to show me I should be quiet and then he sat down at the edge of my bed.

"Close your eyes," he said quietly and I obeyed him. Even though I thought I would never be able to sleep, I drifted away pretty quickly because the next thing I knew, it was morning.

/

The next morning, we didn´t go to church as there was too much to do that day. Normally we go to church twice a month, some months more, some months less. At breakfast, I desperately wanted to ask Crane about the night before. About what I had heard and what he had decided to do, but I thought that perhaps it wasn´t wise to draw attention to the fact I had listened to the conversation. I so wanted him to stay, but I knew in my heart that he would be going and I knew, even at the age of 8, that I was being selfish. Ford was alive and kicking again but he was very quiet and he didn´t eat much. I saw Adam put a hand on the side of his face and ask him if he still had a headache.

After breakfast, Brian had me ride out with him in the truck to the Huntley´s place, another ranch close to ours, to return a couple of tools to Mr Huntley that we had borrowed some time ago- I didn´t ask the specifics. On the way there, Brian lectured me again about the perils of listening to conversations that were not meant for my ears and warned me in no uncertain terms that if he caught me, or heard about me eavesdropping again, I wouldn´t be able to sit comfortably for a while. When we got to the Huntley´s ranch, Brian spent a long time talking to Mr Huntley and I got a bit twitchy and impatient waiting for them. The Huntleys´ kids were long grown so there was no one for me to play with, but Mr Huntley told me that I could go to their barn and look at the litter of kittens that his cat, Boots had queened only a few days before. He warned me not to touch them because they were too little. When I went to the barn, I saw them nursing and nuzzling into their mama´s soft fur. They were so tiny that I could have fit three in the palm of my hand and I really wanted to, but I heeded Mr Huntley´s warning and didn´t try to touch them.

On the way home, I was in a talkative mood and told Brian all about the newborn kittens and asked whether I could get one when they were old enough to leave their mother to which I got a non-committal, "We´ll see."

When we got home, there was no one downstairs so I figured they were scattered around the ranch, doing various things. I went up to room, intent on putting on ´play´ clothes and going in search of Guthrie- my partner in crime, but when I passed Daniel and Crane´s room, the door was open and I could see they were both inside and it looked like Crane was packing. I felt a stab of disappointment because it meant that Crane had decided to go after all, but I think I had known all along that he would end up going. With Brian´s warning about eavesdropping fresh in my mind, I didn´t hover by the door but let my presence be known by walking right in.

"Hey, guys," I said, "Can I help?"

Daniel was lying face up on his bed and tossing a ball into the air, and catching it again and again. He didn´t look too pleased at my arrival but he didn´t say anything, especially when Crane smiled at me and said, "Sure, little one."

I walked over to Crane´s bed and settled myself there, sitting cross legged. Crane kept trying to draw Daniel into conversation, asking his opinion on whether he thought Crane would need various items but Daniel´s answers were monosyllabic at best.

I fight more with the brothers closest to my age but not so much with Daniel. I figured that he must be sad about Crane going away because they were really close, sharing a room and a love of music and all.

"Danil, will you be lonely in your room without Crane?" I asked him.

He sighed deeply, but he didn´t answer me.

"Coz if you are, you can come and room with Guthrie and me if you want to."

Daniel didn´t respond but Crane looked up and smiled at me.

"Or Guthrie and me could take turns sleeping in here," I chattered on. "Oh… but that might mean that one of us might be lonely… well you can come in with us then. You can sleep on a camp bed. What do you think, Daniel?"

Daniel started throwing the ball harder, so hard that it was hitting the ceiling before it fell back down.

"Daniel, did you hear me?" I said again.

"I heard you," he said dully.

"Well, what do you think?" I pressed.

"I think you should just shut up and get the hell out this room," Daniel said to me, turning his head to look at me.

I looked at him in astonishment feeling shocked and hurt. Daniel never, and I mean never spoke to me that way. If it had come from Evan down, I would have shot something back, although it was very unlikely that Ford or Guthrie would talk to me that way.

My eyes filled with unexpected tears. Crane ran a hand over my hair. "You know what, kiddo, I think Danil and I need a minute here on our own. Why don´t you go find Guthrie and go play."

´Ok,´ I said, still hurt.

I rolled off Crane´s bed and scurried out the room. I found Guthrie hanging out with Evan and Diablo in the stables which is where we spent the rest of the afternoon, but I was kind of subdued, still really upset by how Daniel had spoken to me.

I don´t know what Crane said to Daniel but he was in a better mood by supper. He caught up with me as we were washing up for supper and threw his arm around my shoulder.

"I´m sorry for snapping at you earlier, little sister; I guess I´m jus feeling real bad about Crane leavin´. I was real mean to you and I´m sorry," he said.

I reached up on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek. "Don´t worry, Daniel. I´ll look after you while Crane is gone." Daniel looked amused at that.

For supper, we had a cookout in the backyard as Crane loved grilling. The mood was upbeat but somewhat subdued. Adam had asked him if he wanted to invite any friends over on his last evening as a sendoff, but Crane told him he just wanted to be with the family. Brian overdid it on the food making so many salads and baked potatoes and baking cobblers even though we still had mounds of cookies left over from baking the day before. It was only about a 2-hour drive from our house to Davis, where Crane would be attending college, but it was decided that Adam and Crane would leave at dawn to beat the traffic. Adam would help move Crane into his dorm and stay there for the day with him, coming back late in the evening, since he hadn´t had the opportunity to look round the campus yet. The last time, Crane had gone alone. Brian commandeered me, Guthrie and Ford to help him clear up after the cookout, leaving Adam, Crane and Daniel to load up the truck with everything that Crane was taking. Ford continued to not say much, but he did eat some food and he seemed to enjoy the music which Crane and Daniel played for the rest of us later in the evening. There was still a week to go until school started, so because we didn´t have to go to school the next day, Adam let us stay up later than usual, even Guthrie and I, though he made the two of us brush our teeth and change into our pajamas halfway into the evening. Both of us fell asleep in the living room, me on one of the couches and Guthrie on the floor: he could sleep anywhere. I woke up partially when Adam carried me upstairs but was out like a light the moment he laid me down on my bed.

The next morning, Adam and Brian woke all of us up after both of them and Crane had had their breakfast and they were ready to leave. We traipsed in our pajamas, bleary eyed out the front door and out the gate to where the truck stood, waiting to whisk Crane away.

Adam went to stand at the open door of the truck and leaned on it slightly, watching us. I couldn´t quite place the expression on his face; he looked sad and in pain and proud all at once.

Crane turned to Brian first, his hands jammed in his front pockets. He swallowed and then said to Brian huskily, "Thank you, Bri."

Brian smiled at him and then ruffled his hair slightly, putting a hand on the back of his head and pulling him in for a tight hug. He didn´t hold on too long, just slapped Crane on the back and said, "Do us proud, kid."

Crane then turned to the rest of us and tried to smile. Daniel threw himself forward into Crane´s middle. He buried his head into Crane´s chest in a somewhat childish motion and kept it there for a while, as though he were drinking Crane in or trying to create a lasting memory of him. Crane lowered his head and rested his chin on the top of Daniel´s head. Finally, Daniel let go and jammed his hands in his pockets, looking down and scuffing the ground with his foot.

Crane moved on to hug Evan who was trying really hard not to cry. He didn´t manage though and he let his tears fall freely and used the back of his hands to wipe them away.

Next, Crane crouched down so he was face to face with Guthrie and I who were standing next to each other. He pulled Guthrie in for a hug. Guthrie reached into his pocket and pulled something out. He pressed it into Crane´s hand. "It´s my lucky pebble. I want you to have it. So you do well in college and so you think of us," he said. Crane hugged him again. "I appreciate it," he said.

Then, it was my turn. Crane hugged me, the same way he had hugged Guthrie, but I put my arms around his neck and wrapped my legs around his waist and he lifted me up like that. He hugged me so tightly that it felt like I would be crushed, but it was oddly comforting and I hugged him back equally as fiercely. He pulled his head back slightly so he could see me and then he said, "Write to me, ok? Keep me posted about things on the ranch. And keep all these boys in line."

"I´ll write to you every day," I promised. He put me down and then turned to Ford who was standing there with a stony, blank expression on his face.

"Ford… you ok, buddy?" Crane said to him softly.

Ford just stared at him for a second and acted like he hadn´t heard him.

"Ford…?" Again, nothing. Crane looked to Adam for help.

Adam walked up to Ford and crouched down so that he could see his face better.

"Ford, buddy, Crane´s leaving now. Don´t you want to say goodbye?" Adam said to him gently. All of us were looking at him now.

"What´s wrong with him?" I whispered to Guthrie and he just gave me a shrug.

Adam and Brian exchanged looks and they seemed to communicate with their eyes. When it looked like Ford was unreachable, Crane gave him a hug and kissed the top of his head but Ford remained still and impassive.

Then Crane went around to the passenger seat and climbed into the truck with one last wave. Adam slipped into the driver's seat and slammed the door shut. He started up the motor and the truck edged forward slowly.

It was at that moment that Ford seemed to come to his senses and his face crumpled into tears.

"CRANE!" he screamed, almost in desperation and ran after the truck, which in all honesty, had only moved a couple of paces. Adam must have heard his yell because he braked quickly and then Crane opened the door. No sooner had he stepped out when Ford flung himself around Crane´s middle, sobbing and saying repeatedly "Don´t go, Crane, please don´t go."

"Hey, little brother, it will be ok. You´ll be ok. I´ll be back before you know it. And I´ll call all the time."

Ford just kept shaking his head and sobbing loudly. Adam got out his side and gently prized Ford from Crane. Ford didn´t put up much of a fight and then Adam handed him over to Brian who pulled him into his side and held him tightly. Both Adam and Crane climbed back into the truck.

Brian reached out and pulled Daniel, who was standing looking lost, into his other side. I reached for Guthrie´s hand which is something we used to do when were little and feeling vulnerable. He took it and we stood side by side. Evan cut a solitary figure. He put his hand up over his eyes to shade them from the early morning sun which was beginning to rise higher in the sky.

And we stood like that, as Adam started the motor once more. We watched the truck amble down the dusty track taking Crane to a new life outside the ranch, one that didn´t include us. We stood there until the truck became a tiny dot in the distance, and then finally, disappeared out of sight.


	4. Daniel AWOL

As soon as the truck disappeared from view, Daniel disengaged himself from Brian´s side and started walking out towards one of the pastures.

"Danil!" Brian called after him but Daniel completely ignored him and carried on walking with his head down and his hands in his pockets.

"Danil, come back here!" Brian called again, sounding irritated. Again, Daniel acted like none of us existed and picked up his pace.

The rest of us looked at Brian curiously to see what he would do, but he just watched Daniel stalk off.

"Want me to get him for you?" Evan offered.

"Nah, just let him go, buddy. He´ll come back later on."

I turned to Guthrie. "Must be the hormones," I said and Guthrie nodded sagely.

/

We spent the rest of the morning doing chores around the ranch under Brian´s direction. Once I had done my daily chores of feeding the chickens and collecting their eggs and taking them inside, Brian had Guthrie and I help Evan clean out the chicken coop. Normally we did it at the weekend but there had been a lot to do, with Crane leaving at all and it was really starting to smell bad. Ford clung to Brian´s side like a limpet, following him from chore to chore, but Brian didn´t seem to mind. With Adam and Crane away, Daniel still AWOL and Brian busy on the ranch, there was no one to make a proper lunch and by the time we got into the house, we were all starving. Brian rooted through the refrigerator muttering to himself about how long a casserole would take to make. After a few more moments of rifling, he opened the freezer and took out some cartons of ice cream- chocolate, chocolate chip and pecan fudge, placing them on the table along with some bowls and spoons.

"It´s your lucky day, kids. Ice cream for lunch," he said brightly.

The rest of us cheered, even Ford, and we started tussling over the different flavors and putting generous sized scoops into our bowls.

Guthrie paused mid scoop, "How come you´re letting us have ice cream for lunch, Bri?" he asked, gleefully.

Brian shrugged. "It seemed appropriate today; just don´t tell Adam," he said winking at him and Guthrie grinned and winked back.

Brian didn´t curtail how much ice cream we were allowed like Adam would have had he been there and so all of us took advantage of this fact and gorged ourselves until we were stuffed full and felt a little sick. In the afternoon, Guthrie and I especially, were on a major sugar high and Brian told us we were getting under his feet and to go out and play and burn off some energy. The two of us got into our heads we wanted to build a fort at the creek at the back of our property so we could hang out there even if it rained, and we busily beavered away, dragging large branches and swathes of bushes over to make a covering.

When we returned to the house in the late afternoon, both of us were filthy from our fort efforts. Brian was in the kitchen making what looked and smelled like meatloaf. When he saw us, he sent us upstairs to shower and put on our pajamas before supper saying, "Y´all are getting an early night tonight." We grumbled a bit, but in truth, we were tired and wouldn´t have minded.

But we didn´t up getting an early night because by supper time, Daniel still wasn´t back at the house. We all grew up being pretty liberated about where we could go on our land and we knew our way around. Us kids didn´t wear watches but it was like we had inbuilt time sensors about when meals were, so when Daniel wasn´t home in time for supper, he was definitely making a choice. All throughout supper, Brian couldn't really concentrate on what any of us were saying and he kept looking at the large clock hanging on one of the kitchen walls and at the front door as if hoping that Daniel would materialize there. Except he didn´t and it got later and darker until it was pitch black outside. Because we live in the country, there are no street lights and when it gets dark, the sky turns inky and you need flashlights to be able to see even a couple of paces in front of you past the porch lights.

It got to about 8 o´clock and there was still no sign of Daniel. All of us could see that Brian was now really worried about Daniel´s whereabouts and that made the rest of us worried too. We were hanging out in the living room in front of the fire- playing checkers, reading, or in my case, coloring. We were trying not to draw attention to ourselves, especially Guthrie and I as this was normally around the time that we would be sent up to bed but Brian was distracted. He keep going to look out the window and after doing that a few times, he walked to the cove where the phone was kept. He dialed a number and spoke quietly into the phone. Then, he disappeared into the laundry room and came back into the living room with a couple of flashlights and placed them on the living room table.

He stood over us and we looked at him expectantly.

"Listen up, troops. I´m headin´ on out to look for Daniel," Brian said. "I´ve called Mrs Gleeson from church and she´ll be here real soon to babysit you."

Evan stood up. "Ain´t nobody babysittin´ me! I´m coming with you," he said, a stubborn look passing over his face.

"You´re stayin´ here. One McFadden out in this country after dark is enough," Brian said firmly.

Ford had started to look a bit panicked. "Don´t go, Brian!" he said, getting up and wringing his hands nervously.

"He´s gotta find Daniel, silly!" Guthrie retorted and Ford shot back quickly,

"Who you calling silly?"

Brian pulled his jacket on and gave Ford a quick reassuring hug. "Ford, I gotta find Daniel. I´m sure he´s fine but it´s getting real late and it´s dark out. Evan, you´re in charge until Mrs Gleeson gets here and then y´all are to mind her, hear me?"

All of us groaned. Mrs Gleeson was a woman from church. She was nice enough but she was a bit bossy, not too much fun and she couldn´t finish a paragraph without mentioning Jesus. I was surprised that Brian would call her because I knew from hearing something I wasn´t supposed to that he found her insufferable but apparently, she had been a big help to Adam and Brian when Guthrie and I were toddlers and our parents had first died.

I paused mid colouring. "Can we stay up until Adam gets home?"

"Just do what Mrs Gleeson tells you," Brian said hurriedly and before we knew it, he was out the door with the flashlights in tow.

Ford crossed to the window and peered out of the netting.

"But how´s Brian going to find him… it´s so dark out!" Ford said quietly, still wringing his hands.

There´s only a year between Ford and Evan and two years between Daniel and Ford, but for as long as I can remember, it´s seemed like Daniel and Evan were much older. They were far more boisterous than Ford, who was perfectly content to play on his own and was far less willing to break the rules. In fact, I can probably count on one hand the number of times Ford has been in trouble. Even when he turned thirteen- the age that Adam and Brian joked that the hormone monster took over all of us, he remained fairly even and placid. I guess he´s just a bit more sensitive. Now, Evan put his arm around Ford and said confidently, "Don´t worry, little brother. Brian knows this country like the back of his hand and so does Daniel. He´ll bring him back."

Ford seemed slightly mollified and sat back down to continue reading his book, Evan and Guthrie continued their game of checkers and I continued my coloring.

It wasn´t long before we heard the sound of a motor at the front of our place.

"Mrs Gleeson is here," Evan grumbled but he went to the front door and flung it open for her giving her his most charming smile.

"Hello Mrs Gleeson, how are you this evening?"

Mrs Gleeson was a little- well quite a lot actually on the heavy side, probably I surmised because she was always baking cakes. Now she padded into the house and to my delight I saw she had brought her little black and white wiener dog- Patch who immediately scampered over to me when I called his name and rolled on to his back for a tummy rub.

"Oh hello, Evan dear," patting his head to which he grimaced slightly. She shrugged her coat off and hung it up on the door. "Terrible business, this is, Daniel just taking off like that but I know our good lord Jesus will be watching over him and will guide Brian to him," she said shaking her head.

All of us exchanged a secret smile. We had one time played Jesus bingo when Mrs Gleeson was taking care of us- we had betted on the number of times she managed to mention Jesus in one afternoon. Daniel had won with the closest number: 47. He made us do his chores for week. When Adam found out, he wasn´t too pleased- he said it was disrespectful but Brian found it funny.

No sooner had Mrs Gleeson disrobed and made herself comfortable when she clapped her hands and said, "Right, children. All of you up to bed now, it´s getting late."

"But I want to wait until Adam gets home and Brian and Daniel," Ford pleaded.

"And we go up to bed at different times- Guthrie and Heidi go up first," Evan added. I made a face at him for ratting us out but he ignored me.

Mrs Gleeson was not to be budged. "Well when my children were little, they all went to bed at the same time, after their prayers of course. They´d pray to Jesus every night. And that´s what I want all of you to do- march yourselves up those stairs, say your prayers to our savior and then go to bed."

I could see from Evan´s face that he really wanted to argue, especially as she had lumped him alongside us as ´little´, but we´ve been brought up to respect authority figures, especially from church and so he signaled to us that we should obey her. We said goodnight to her and trailed upstairs. But when we got to the top of the stairs, Evan whispered that Guthrie and I should come into he and Ford´s room. Mrs Gleeson had turned the television on and was firmly ensconced there, not even watching us, so it was easy enough to do.

"Goodnight, Mrs Gleeson," Evan called one last time.

"Goodnight, children. Remember to tell Jesus your prayers," she called back without looking up.

Evan shut the door and then Guthrie said, "Can we pray to Jesus that Mrs Gleeson never has to look after us again?" to which the rest of us giggled.

Ford went over to the window and peered out, saying again, "I want Adam to come home."

"He´ll be home soon," Evan said.

"But what if Brian can´t find Daniel," Ford fussed again.

"It´s Brian!" I said to Ford confidently. "Brian can do anything. And Adam."

"Look, there´s no point in just sittin´ here and worryin," Evan said, taking charge. He went to the cupboard in the corner of the room and pulled down Candyland. "We´ll play Candyland until they get home. But we have to do it real quietly so that Mrs Gleeson don´t suspect we haven´t gone to bed."

So the 4 of us played the board game for a while. I was really tired but worry over Daniel and Brian and also wanting to see Adam kept me from succumbing to sleep. I don´t know how long we played but presently we heard Patch´s yapping, and the front door opening and closing. We listened for a second and heard the rumble of a deep voice.

"It´s Adam," I yelled. All of us tumbled out of Ford and Evan´s room and down the stairs like a litter of puppies crowding a startled Adam.

"Adam! How´s Crane?"

"Daniel´s disappeared!"

"Brian´s out looking for him!"

"Adam, did you see Crane´s dorms? What they like?"

Adam held up one of his hands to curb our chatter and Mrs Gleeson put one hand over her chest.

"Oh my! I thought they were asleep in bed!" she said.

"What´s going on here?" Adam asked, looking a bit panicked. "What do you mean Daniel has disappeared!"

We all started to chatter at him at the same time, but again, he silenced us, and instead asked Mrs Gleeson what had happened. Mrs Gleeson explained and despite the fact that she had no reason to mention him, she managed to invoke Jesus´ name three more times.

Adam thanked Mrs Gleeson and told her that he would take it from there. He made us thank Mrs Gleeson for coming over but none of us could muster up much enthusiasm so he turned to her, giving her a winning smile and saying, "They´re really tired."

We begged him to tell us all about his day with Crane and what he had seen and we begged him to be allowed to stay up until Daniel and Brian got home, but he wasn´t having any of it. He saw us all up and into bed and warned us to stay there and go to sleep even though all of us said we couldn´t sleep until we knew that Daniel was home and safe.

But just like a couple of night before when I thought sleep wouldn´t come, I passed out pretty quickly as did the others I assume. And just like a couple of nights before, I woke up, but this time it was because I heard a noise that sounded like crying. I knew I should stay in my room. I knew it was wrong to listen to conversations that didn´t concern me. I knew it was wrong to invade someone´s privacy like that. I had known it was wrong before Brian explained it to me. But I did it anyway because I was worried about Daniel. That´s the way I´ve always been. If I want something bad enough, I break the rules. I kind of have to learn the hard way.

So, I opened the door of my room very quietly and sat by the door. The last time I had been on the landing, it had creaked and if it did this time, then I could just say that I was going to the bathroom. But it didn´t and I let out a breath I had been holding. I stood, very quietly up against my door and surveyed what was going on below.

Brian was sitting on the coffee table across from Daniel who was sitting on the couch with his head in the palm of his hands. I could hear sobbing noises coming from him and my heart skipped a beat a little because I didn´t like seeing Daniel so upset. This was different to when he was frustrated about something- mostly when Adam and Brian stopped him from doing something he really wanted. His tears then were from anger. Now it was obvious that his tears were from heartache.

Adam had his hand on the back of Daniel´s neck and was rubbing it and his back in a soothing motion.

"C´mon, partner, talk to us," Adam said to him gently.

Daniel just shook his bowed head and continued to sob.

"Danil, we just want to help you," Brian said, putting his hands on Daniel´s knees. "We can´t help you if you don´t talk to us."

Daniel continued to be unresponsive and Adam and Brian exchanged a look. Adam pulled Daniel into his chest and held him there, kissing the top of his head periodically while he cried. I saw Brian lower his head slightly while Daniel cried.

"Crane´s only two hours away; he´ll be home for thanksgiving. It´s not so long. Once school starts you´ll be busy and distracted and the time will pass quickly," Brian said to him, soothingly, like he was talking to an injured animal.

"I know," Daniel sobbed into Adam´s chest who continued to comfort him. "It´s just…"

Both Adam and Brian were silent, waiting for Daniel to continue. "It´s just it feels like it did then… when mom and dad first…". And he cried even harder.

"When mom and dad first died?" Adam asked. Daniel nodded.

"Oh, Danil," Adam said and hugged him even tighter.

Brian and Adam exchanged another look.

"You haven´t eaten all day. I´m going to heat you up some meatloaf and you´re going to eat it and then go to bed. Everything looks better with some food and some sleep," said Brian.

"How about you sleep in my room with Adam tonight, and I´ll sleep in your room," he asked Daniel, "How does that sound?"

Daniel nodded into Adam´s chest.

If they all moved into the kitchen soon, I could go get back into my room safely and unseen, and all would be well. But I had a tickle in my nose like I wanted to sneeze. I knew I couldn´t and so I twitched my nose like crazy to stop the itch. It would go away for a couple of seconds and then return stronger than before. And then I couldn´t control it any longer and I sneezed in spite of myself. Loudly.

Three heads swiveled round and looked up towards the balcony.


	5. An end to eavesdropping

I knew my number was up.

"Heidi! Show yourself!" Brian barked.

I swallowed nervously and walked to the front of the balcony so they could all see me clearly.

"Oh hi… what´s up," I said nonchalantly, hoping that I conveyed a look of innocence.

Daniel ignored me and laid his head back into Adam´s chest, but Adam looked hard at me and his eyes met mine. I could see that he knew exactly what I had been up to and he looked disappointed and mad. Plenty mad.

And Brian? Well, Brian´s face was so sharp, it could cut glass.

"I was just…" I trailed off into silence.

"It´s pretty obvious what you were doing," Brian said tersely. "Get back to bed and tomorrow morning after breakfast, you and I will be putting an end to this business once and for all."

I obeyed immediately and scurried back to bed. Unsurprisingly, I didn´t sleep very well at all- knowing what was coming. I would doze off and then have unsettling dreams and wake up with a start. So I started the day tired and emotional. Guthrie noticed that I was a bit down the next morning and asked me what was bugging me. I was honest with him- with Ford, Daniel or Evan I would have been embarrassed to admit to doing something so sneaky, or embarrassed to admit that I was most likely facing punishment, but not with Guthrie. Guthrie never judges me, and he and I had been in trouble together plenty of times before, so I felt like I could tell him anything.

Sometimes I lag behind on my chores but that morning I did them straight away. Daniel was missing at breakfast, and I sat down just in time to hear Evan ask about his whereabouts.

"Daniel´s still in bed- he´s resting," Adam said.

"Is he sick?" Guthrie asked.

"Nope, he just had a real late night and he´s getting a little more sleep. You´ll see him later."

Then Ford asked about Crane and about Crane´s dorms and the campus and everything. Over breakfast, Adam told us all about the day before, about how beautiful the campus was and about how Crane was sharing a room with a surfer type guy called Blake from San Diego. He said that Crane had been sad to see Adam go, but that he seemed really happy to be there. It made me feel good to know that Crane was happy but it also made me feel sad and scared that there was a whole part of his life that I knew nothing about. What if Crane was so happy there that he didn´t want to come home?

I mulled this over at breakfast which distracted me from knowing what was coming with Brian in the not so distant future. I didn´t eat much- just a couple of mouthfuls of eggs and a piece of toast. After breakfast, I knew I didn´t have to do the dishes because I had done them the night before. I had a plan to try to escape unseen from the breakfast table and disappear for the rest of the day, or at least until lunchtime in the hope that Brian would hopefully get distracted from being mad at me, but just as I stacked my plate at the side of the sink and tried to slip away out the back door, I heard Brian´s voice. He was right behind me.

"Heidi."

I turned around. "Yea?"

"You and I have something to deal with, don´t we."

I didn´t want to agree with him because I´m a bit stubborn like that but I looked at him pleadingly. He didn´t look like he was budging.

"Come on," he said, and put his hands on my shoulders, turning me and marching me out the front door down towards the barn. It was dark in there, especially when the doors were shut, which Brian had done as soon as we entered the barn, so he switched on the lights.

"Sit down," he said, pointing to a stack of hay bales where I could easily and comfortably sit down. I did and he stood in front of me with his arms crossed.

"Why are we here, Heidi?" he said sternly.

"Because of last night…"

"And what were you doing last night that´s resulted in you being here?"

"Eavesdropping," I said quietly, looking down.

"Eyes on me."

I lifted my head again.

"What did I tell you about eavesdropping the other day?"

"Not to do it."

"Why?" Brian said, sounding impatient now.

"Because it´s wrong. Because it´s disrespectful and it invades someone´s privacy," I said softly.

"That´s right."

"But I just wanted to make sure Daniel was ok, Brian! I couldn´t help it! I´m sorry!" I burst out passionately, hoping that perhaps Brian would see it from my point of view.

"You can help it, Heidi. You just need to take responsibility for your actions and control yourself. Snooping and sneaking around isn´t ok. And you´re not sorry. You were being nosy and you´re just sorry you got caught."

He had a point.

"I won´t do it again!" I said, hoping to fend off the inevitable.

Brian looked at me with a wry expression on his face. "That´s what you said the last time."

"But this time, I really won´t!"

Brian shook his head. "I warned you of the consequences only 2 days ago and you went and did the very same thing. So, we´re going to stop this now once and for all."

Brian sat down on a taller stack of hay bales near the barn door and then said firmly, "Come here, young lady."

I knew I couldn´t get out of this one, so I trailed slowly to Brian and when I got to him, he pulled me over his lap. He spanked me really hard, - he has a really hard hand, but if I´m honest, it didn´t last too long: it was just enough to make a point. It still hurt plenty though and I was crying when he stopped and lifted me off his lap into a hug. Both Adam and Brian always hugged me, and I assume the others after a spanking. Sitting was uncomfortable for me at that moment so he stood up, lifting me up with him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist and buried my face into his shoulder, crying into him. He rubbed my back and then said into my ear, "Shhh now, Heidi. It´s over. You´re ok."

After a short while, I stopped crying so hard and Brian put me down. He pushed my hair back out my eyes and said, "I love you, kiddo, that´s why I spanked you. I want you to grow up to be an honest person, do you understand that?"

I nodded. "Yea, I get it. I´m sorry, I won´t do it again," I said tearfully, still rubbing my eyes.

Brian looked serious. "If it happens again, Heidi, this spanking will seem like a picnic, do you understand me?"

"Yes, Bri."

"And later today I want you to apologize to Daniel for invading his privacy last night, ok?"

I nodded. Brian pulled me in for a last hug and then kissed the top of my head. "Good girl, now go off and play."

I pulled open the barn doors and ran out, but I didn´t feel so much like finding Guthrie and playing. I was really tired from lack of decent sleep and my butt hurt. I decided to grab my book and go and read by myself under one of the trees in the back garden. I was reading ´Blubber´ by Judy Blume and working my way through her entire collection which I had managed to commandeer the librarian Mrs Peterson at the library in Murphys to stock for me, although she had warned me that they may not all be age appropriate. I was choosing to keep that piece of information to myself.

As I ran into the house and up the stairs, my mind was elsewhere and I collided with Adam at the top of the stairs who was coming out of Daniel and Crane´s room.

"Oops, sorry," I said, trying to dodge past him but he caught my arm to stop me. He looked down at me with a serious expression on his face.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Uh… to get my book. I was going to read… I´ve done all my chores," I told him.

"Ok."

There was a short pause while he looked at me. He seemed to be waiting for something.

"Don´t you have something to say to me?"

He didn´t look too happy with me and I´m not an idiot. I knew he most likely wanted to tell me off about the night before. I sighed inwardly. If I was punished by Adam, Brian always wanted to say something else about my wrongdoing and vice versa. I found it really exhausting, but I didn´t want to push Adam into anything so I just said "I´m sorry about last night," as sincerely as I could.

"Eavesdropping is a nasty habit to get into, Heidi," Adam lectured.

"I know. I won´t do it again. Brian spanked me for it."

"I´m aware," he said. "If I catch you at it again, Brian will be the least of your problems. We clear?"

"Yes, Adam," I said, feeling tears rising again. Being tired always made me cry a lot.

Adam reached out and ran a hand over my hair which I knew was his way of saying that he wasn´t going to scold me anymore.

/

I didn´t see Daniel until later that day because he and Brian went into Angel´s Camp to get a part for the tractor and grabbed something there instead of coming home from lunch. He was carrying his guitar and his notebook out towards one of the pastures near the house where there was a little bench under some trees that Brian had built a while ago. Daniel liked to sit there and write and play music. Guthrie and I had decided to go fishing, down by the creek and we were both carrying our fishing poles. As I saw Daniel walk out away from the house, I made the decision to speak to him then and there and carry out my apology. There was no doubt in my mind that Brian would check. Now that I´m older and thinking about it, I don´t think Brian´s insistence that I apologize was such a good idea because no doubt Daniel was embarrassed to be seen crying like that in front of me, but at the time, I didn´t think about it too much.

I thrust my fishing pole into Guthrie´s hands and said, "Here, take this. I´ll catch up with you," before running off towards Daniel.

"Heidi!" Guthrie called after me, bemused, but I ignored him.

"Daniel!" I yelled, sprinting towards him.

Daniel turned around at my yelling and waited for me to catch up to him. I was a little breathless by the time I made it.

"What´s up, Heidi?"

"Well… uh… Brian said I needed to come and say sorry to you about last night…"

Daniel didn´t really react and just stood there, numbly.

"Brian was real mad…" I continued, my face turning red. I knew that Daniel would infer from that what he needed to, but he still didn´t really say anything. His silence made it awkward between us. This wasn´t the Daniel I knew: this Daniel was like a robot. The Daniel I knew was expressive and while he had been really moody lately, even for a few months before Crane left, he still always had time for me. Daniel was normally someone I could talk to or go to, to ask about things I didn´t understand. I felt like I was losing him too and it made me emotional.

"I´m sorry you´re so sad, Daniel," I cried, impulsively throwing myself forward and wrapping my arms around his waist, hugging him.

Daniel still didn´t say anything, but he did hug me back.

/

Guthrie and I spent the rest of the afternoon together. We didn´t actually catch any fish because our attention spans were too short and we ended up pushing each other into the water and splashing around. We talked about the fact that school was coming up the week after and what third grade might be like. We both said we were looking forward to our soccer matches starting up again. I don´t play anymore, but I used to be a better player than Guthrie- not that he would ever admit it.

It was during supper that the phone rang. Neither Guthrie nor I paid much attention- the phone was never for us. Evan shot up and raced towards it, saying he thought it was Cody, his friend from Youth Rodeo but less than a couple of seconds later, he yelled, "Guys, it´s Crane!"

Knives, forks and laden plates of food were hastily abandoned as we all scrambled away from the table and ran to the cove where Evan was holding the phone and jabbering into it. Guthrie grabbed the telephone wire to try to jerk it away from Evan so he could talk and I climbed on a chair and all over Evan, shouting things into the phone while Ford, in an uncharacteristic display of boisterousness, jostled with Daniel, each one trying to get in front of the other in a line to speak to Crane. When it looked like things might get out of hand with all of us shouting things like, "Hurry up, Evan," and "It´s my turn next!", "No! Me!", Adam shushed us and assembled some sort of order for speaking to Crane.

Ford got to speak to Crane next and then Guthrie, who told Crane in minute detail all about his day, much to my impatience. When it was my turn I sat down on the chair to make myself comfortable.

"Hi, little one," Crane said. Hearing his voice through the phone and knowing he was so far away from home and we weren´t going to be seeing him for a while was a weird feeling.

"Hi, Crane! How is it? Do you miss us? What have you been doing today?" I rushed out, even though the last three conversations he had had were of the same ilk.

"Of course I miss you. Hey, you know, I shared out some of the cookies you, Guth and Brian made for me to bring here, and now everyone wants to come home with me to meet the bakers."

I giggled. "We´ll make you some more and send them to you!"

"Good job. You keepin´ everyone in line?" he asked me playfully.

I decided not to enlighten Crane about the eavesdropping debacle and just said "Yes, but I miss you!"

"I miss you too, but I´ll see you soon, okay? Hey, put Adam or Brian on a minute, will ya?"

I was a bit disappointed that my conversation with him was so short but I knew he had the rest of the family to speak to as well.

"Ok, I love you, Crane."

"I love you too, kiddo."

I passed the phone to Adam who spoke to Crane briefly and then Brian spoke to him. The only person left to speak was Daniel and when it got to his turn, Adam gave Brian a head gesture which Brian seemed to understand and then the two of them ushered the rest of us back to the table to eat, letting Daniel speak to Crane alone. I understood that they were doing this so that Daniel could have some privacy to talk to Crane openly but Guthrie and Evan moaned about it a bit. I so desperately wanted to hear what they were talking about but I didn´t dare after that morning- I had decided my eavesdropping days were most definitely over. When Daniel got off the phone, he seemed a little brighter. He didn´t talk much, but he ate his full plate of food whereas he had just been picking at it before.

/

We went back to school the following week on the Monday. I knew that some kids at school who didn´t live on ranches found getting back into early morning routines difficult because they could sleep in later in holidays, but we pretty much maintained the same schedule all year long, apart from Christmas and our birthdays, because of chores and the livestock.

Evan grumbled continuously about going back to school: out of all of us, he liked it the least. I on the other hand, was bouncing off the walls to get back. I liked school- I still like it. Daniel was going into the 9th grade and was starting high school so he would be a in a different school and building to Evan and Ford, something which he was taking great pleasure in telling them at every opportunity.

The morning we started school, we were all up very early to do chores and have breakfast although Adam had made us pack our bags the night before and leave them by the front door, even Daniel who protested about being treated like a little kid. As I passed his room on my way downstairs for breakfast, I saw that he had emptied his entire closet on to the floor and clothes were strewn everywhere. I watched him try on a series of two or three shirts and look at himself in the mirror before wandering into his room.

"What you doing?" I asked him.

Daniel looked in the mirror and then sighed, ripping his shirt off and tossing it aside. He grabbed a green T-shirt and pulled it on, turning around to face me.

"How does this look?" he asked.

"Nice. How come you keep changing shirts?"

"I gotta look good, Heidi. It´s my first day at high school and I want to make an impression."

He took off the green T-shirt and replaced it with a blue one.

"Here, does this look better than the green one?"

I shrugged. "Looks the same to me!" I said.

He just shook his head and pulled the T-shirt off again, muttering to himself.

I wanted to ask Brian what was in my lunch so I left Daniel to it and he had to be called three or four times by Adam to come down to eat. I had gotten up to pull a jug of orange juice out the refrigerator and so didn´t see Daniel come in, but I heard Evan explode into laughter and wolf whistle at him.

Daniel´s ´s hair was swept back and parted to one side, and he had used so much hair gel that his hair was shiny like the shell of a beetle. He had decided on the blue T-shirt which made his eyes pop and he smelled decidedly pretty.

"Why are you wearing your hair like that?" Guthrie asked him.

"Because it´s high school. He has to make an impression," I said to Guthrie, echoing Daniel´s earlier words.

"Relax- you´re a McFadden. All of us have made an impression on our first day of high school without even trying," Brian said, winking at Daniel.

"I think you look nice, Daniel," I said to him loyally and he smiled at me.

Normally, Crane would see Guthrie and I onto the bus from the junction that it stopped at to pick up all the kids from our area. Crane would normally chat to us about what was upcoming that day, but with him gone, it fell to Daniel, who was too jittery to pay much attention to us. It was made worse by the fact that Evan and Ford kept calling Daniel ´helmet head´ because of his hair gel. It made me miss Crane even more.

First days at school are normally pretty uneventful. Meeting new teachers, getting your new timetable, settling into a routine etc. Well, the morning was shaping up to look very much the same as first days in the past, but by lunchtime, I had met Olivia, who was about to open up a whole new world to me.


	6. A new friend

Up until I met Olivia, I had never really had any good girlfriends. Part of it, I think, was because I had grown up in a houseful of boys, and so I just naturally related to boys better, and part of it was because being a twin, Guthrie and I always had each other. We would play with the other kids at school, but the two of us spent the majority of our time together.

Our town is pretty small and we had grown up with knowing all the kids there, even before we started school. Sometimes a new kid arrived, though they were never of any real interest. But this year, one girl caught my eye straight away because unlike me and the rest of the girls in the class who were wearing a T-shirt and overalls or jeans, this girl was wearing a dazzling peacock blue dress with large yellow sunflowers printed on it. Unlike me, who was wearing my plain old sneakers, this girl had on patent green Mary Janes. Her hair was weaved into a French braid, whereas mine was just held back in a straight ponytail. She looked like a painting and having never seen anything like it, I was mesmerized.

Since the first grade, when Guthrie and I had tended to mess around in class together, giggling and joking and generally being quite distracted, our teachers knew to separate us to opposite sides of the room in class at Adam´s request. The two of us had been devastated at the time, but Adam hadn´t budged- he had said we were at school to learn, not mess around. For some reason, I always got stuck near Jimmy Wheeler, the son of another rancher in our area who was a thorn in my oldest brothers´ sides. Jimmy, Guthrie and I had had a fight the year before because Jimmy had made fun of Guthrie and I for being orphans, but since then, he had left me alone because both of us had really battered him: I think he was a little scared of me which suited me fine. Once again, Jimmy ended up being placed near me in front of me to my left, and to my delight, the new girl was placed in front of me to my right. I spent much of the morning admiring the complexities of her braid and wondering how long it took to do in the morning and who had done it for her.

When the recess bell rang and all the kids ran outside, Jimmy strolled on past the girl´s desk, deliberately swiping all of her books and her pencil case onto the floor.

"Hey!" she cried indignantly, her face turning red.

"Jimmy turned to look her, a hateful expression on his doughy face. "You look stupid in that dumb dress," he said sneeringly.

Olivia´s looked like she was about to cry and I felt the familiar blood boiling feeling that Jimmy invokes in me.

I marched up to him and gave him a shove.

"Shut up and get lost, Jimmy. Go and pick on someone your own size!"

Jimmy smirked at me, but I could see in his eyes that he looked a bit wary.

"I might have known you´d stick up for this loser. Two losers together," Jimmy jeered as his pathetic parting shot before sauntering out the classroom door.

"Don´t mind Jimmy," I said rolling my eyes. "He´s an idiot. I think you look real pretty."

"Thanks...I didn´t know that here- …in my old school, all the girls wore dresses to school," the girl said softly, bending by the knees in a dainty manner to pick up her books strewn across the floor.

I bent down to help her and when we stood back up I said, "It´s kind of casual around here. But I still think your dress is real nice. And your hair."

The girl smiled at me and then we got to chatting a bit. She told me her name was Olivia and that she had moved from San Francisco to Murphys before the summer with her parents and her sister. I asked her if she wanted to come outside and play soccer with me and Guthrie, but she said she had never played it before and she preferred to draw. She reached into her backpack, which was the same dazzling shade of green as her shoes, and took out a midsized sketchpad with shiny white paper and a set of deluxe, coloring pens that I could see cost a lot of money. She opened the sketchpad and I saw the most beautifully intricate drawing of a palace down to the last brick on the page, replete with turrets and a moat. There were even tiny detailed drawings of people in the castle windows. It looked like a painting and I exclaimed over it.

"My mom drew this for me," she told me. "She´s an artist. I also like to draw."

"I like to draw too. But I normally draw squiggles and then shade them in. I wish I could draw like your mom."

"Me too."

Olivia and I also spent lunch together. She shared the paper with me so that she was coloring one half of the palace and I had the other half and she let me use her pens. I just loved the way they glided over the paper, almost as though they were skating.

We were interrupted by Guthrie, who came running breathlessly into the lunch hall. He ignored Olivia and came right up to me, tugging on my arm.

"There you are! I´ve been looking for you- we´re playing soccer outside. You can be on my team."

"I looked up from what I was doing. "Me and Olivia are coloring just now."

"But we always play together at recesses," Guthrie said, his face wrinkling up. He looked at Olivia distastefully but refrained from actually saying anything directly to her, although Olivia gave him a friendly smile.

"Not today, Guth," I told him and went back to coloring.

He stared at me in surprise for a second and then he looked at me grumpily, "Fine," he said, before stomping off.

"Geez, what´s his problem?" Olivia asked me.

"Don´t worry. That´s Guthrie- he´s my brother. He´s in a mood coz I normally play outside with him, but he´s real nice and fun," I told Olivia loyally.

By the end of the day, Olivia and I were firm friends and she had invited me to her house at the weekend for a sleepover. I had never had a sleepover before but it sounded like fun. I told her I would need to ask my brothers.

"How come you need to ask your brothers? Where´s your mama and daddy?" she asked me.

Everyone- both teachers and other kids knew about our parents, so It wasn´t actually often that I had to explain my family situation to people, and I didn´t like it.

"My mom and dad died when I was real little. My two oldest brothers look after the rest of us," I told her a bit nervously, though I´m not sure why I felt that way.

"The rest of you? How many brothers and sisters do you have?"

"Seven," I said, "Brothers I mean. I don´t have any sisters."

Olivia´s mouth dropped open. "Seven? Really?"

I nodded. "You´ve already met Guthrie at lunch and then I have two brothers in middle school, one in high school, one in college and then two who don´t go to school anymore."

"Wow."

Olivia seemed to take this information in and then she gave me a curious look, like something had just occurred to her.

"If you don´t have a mom and dad… then do you get to do whatever you want, all the time?" she asked me.

That´s when I started giggling, thinking about how nothing could be further from the truth and I told Olivia so finishing with, "They´re real nice and they can be fun, but they´re also strict about some stuff."

"Huh. Well I hope you can come on Saturday, Heidi. See you tomorrow- I gotta go- my mom is waiting for me outside."

She gave me a quick hug and then she scampered out the classroom. As Guthrie and I were walking towards the bus, I saw Olivia getting into a very large, black, shiny car that was waiting just outside the school gates. The only times one of us were picked up is if we were sick, in trouble or had a dentist appointment after school.

Even though the elementary and middle schools got out earlier than the high school, the route for the high school bus was different and a bit shorter meaning that Crane was normally waiting for us, or at least Guthrie and I if the other three had an after-school sports practice or an activity. But when we got off the bus, although Evan and Ford were waiting for us at the junction, there was no sign of Daniel.

"Where´s Daniel?" I asked Evan.

"Beats me!" he said, shrugging his shoulders and shifting his bag to the other shoulder.

"Maybe he got detention?" Ford suggested.

Evan laughed, "On his first day? Oh boy, Adam will just love that!"

We decided to go on home without him. Because Crane was normally with us, most times Adam and Brian weren´t home when we got home. Crane would put together an after-school snack for us and then after our chores, we were allowed to play outside or do our own thing until supper. But because Crane was away, Brian was home, installed in the kitchen and it looked like he was making supper. He asked us where Daniel was, to which all of us answered we didn´t know. He gave us some cookies and milk before telling us to scram from under his feet so he could get on with making supper and muttering something to himself about piles of laundry.

/

Daniel didn´t make an appearance until just before supper. All of us were milling around downstairs; Ford and I were helping Brian with supper- setting and carrying everything to the table and Adam was washing up at the kitchen sink when Daniel sauntered in casually through the back door into the kitchen, dumping his backpack in the laundry room on the way.

He didn´t really greet anyone properly or say anything about being late; he just flopped down at the kitchen table and turned to Brian asking him for was for supper.

Adam turned off the tap and grabbing a dishtowel to dry his hands, he turned around to face Daniel.

"Where you been, Daniel?" he asked him quietly.

Daniel leaned back a bit in his chair and crossed his arms. "Out and about."

Adam raised his eyebrows, "Out and about where and with whom?"

"Just at Rick´s Joint in Angel´s Camp with some kids."

"Which kids?" By this time, the rest of us had fallen silent and were watching the exchange in interest. I had to hand it to Adam, he hadn´t raised his voice so far, which was wildly out of character.

Daniel met Adam´s eyes in what appeared to be an adversarial position.

"Some kids I met today at school."

"How did you get home?"

"One of the kids with a car dropped me off."

Daniel held Adam´s gaze for a moment, almost as though he were daring him to challenge him for further information, but Adam surprised him and us all by simply saying, "Ok."

Daniel looked shocked for a moment and then recovered himself, giving a self-satisfied smile and then said he was going upstairs to wash up for supper. I saw Brian give Adam a questioning look and Adam mouth something imperceptible to Brian which he seemed to understand.

Over supper, all of us talked about our first days back at school. Often times, we all spoke over each other and three conversations would happen at once, but sometimes, we did have a whole table conversation. Ford told us all about how Frank- notorious class prankster- had wound the clocks in the classroom forward by 15 minutes. The teacher had let them out early for recess and everything. Evan said that his was boring and grumbled about being back at school and said he wished he could spend all day with Diablo, his newly acquired horse with whom he was completely head over heels in love. Daniel was cagey about his first day at high school, but he did tell Brian that he had Mrs Jackson for History and that she had asked him if he was related to Brian.

Brian grinned. "She loved me," he said.

"Really…?" teased Daniel "Because when I told her I was your brother, her face went really pale and she kind of had to hang on to the side of the desk to keep from falling over."

We all laughed. Guthrie told everyone about the soccer game he had had at lunch and then pointedly remarked that I hadn´t played which gave me a chance to tell everyone about Olivia.

"I made a new friend! Her name is Olivia and she´s from San Francisco!" I announced to the table, excitedly.

Guthrie stabbed one of his potatoes with his fork viciously. "She´s real dumb lookin´," he said, grumpily.

"Guthrie!" Adam admonished but Guthrie just looked at him and shrugged.

"Well, she is! She was wearing a stupid dress."

I know I had only met Olivia that day, but I had really enjoyed her company and something about Guthrie´s words really riled me up and I felt my temper rising.

"She´s not dumb lookin´, she looked real pretty and she´s real nice too. You´re dumb!" I shot back at him.

Guthrie made a face at me and Adam frowned at me and said, "That´s enough now,"

"He started it- he said my friend was dumb!"

"Well, I´m finishing it," Adam said firmly. "Why don´t you tell us a bit more about your new friend."

Guthrie huffed, but I ignored him and told the table all about Olivia and about what she was wearing and about her hair and her sketchbook and coloring together, finishing with the fact that she had invited me to her house on Saturday for a sleepover.

"Can I go, Adam, please?" I asked him hopefully.

Adam smiled at my enthusiasm. "Sure. But I better speak to her mother first- make sure it´s ok. Why don´t you ask her for her number tomorrow."

I shifted a little in my seat with excitement. "Ok!"

/

After supper and dishes, we all sat down at the kitchen table to do our homework together as was customary during the school term. When Crane was here, he always oversaw homework because he had his own to do with us, while Adam and Brian saw to nightly chores outside. Since he wasn´t here, both of them told us to get started and one of them would be in shortly to check up on us. Because it was the first day back, none of us had a lot, but it was a habit well ingrained in all of us, so we didn´t really question it. Guthrie and I only had some spelling words to learn, Ford had a math worksheet and Evan had a couple of pages to read for Science and Social Studies. Daniel, however, had slipped out the kitchen after supper and hadn´t reappeared by the time Adam came inside to check on us.

"Where´s Daniel?" he said, for the second time that evening.

All of us shrugged or said we didn´t know.

Adam walked into the living room where we could hear him calling Daniel downstairs and then he walked back into the kitchen where Daniel appeared, a few moments later.

"Don't you have homework?" Adam asked him calmly.

Like earlier, Daniel adopted a challenging facial expression and said, with a hostile undertone, "Since I´m in high school now, I thought I would do my homework in my room."

Adam raised an eyebrow, "Oh, that´s what you thought, huh?"

"Yes."

There was a moment of silence while the rest of us watched on in interest. I may only have been 8, but I could sense the tension in the air, almost as though it were crackling. No one had raised their voice and no one had said anything particularly aggressive, but it was as though the two of them were in a standoff.

Once again, though, Adam surprised us all, not least Daniel by saying, "Ok," and then turned away to check over Ford´s worksheet answers. I watched a look of confusion pass over Daniel´s face before it was masked with a grin and then he disappeared up the stairs again. I felt uncomfortable and at that moment, had a pang where I sorely missed Crane.

/

The rest of the week passed in much the same vein. Olivia and I hung out every day at school now; one day, she brought in a friendship bracelet making kit and showed me how to make them. We made them for each other and I wore it proudly, refusing to take it off. She had given me her telephone number and Adam had spoken to her mother about Saturday to make sure it was ok. While I was flying high about my new friendship, two things at home were upsetting me. One was that Daniel was becoming ever more distant. Historically I had been really close to Daniel- there were enough years between us that he didn´t generally tend to tease me the same way that Evan did, and he was normally sensitive and kind. But over the past few months and most definitely in the couple of weeks since Crane had left, he was acting as though he didn´t want to even know the rest of the family. He was distracted and taciturn on the walk to the school bus in the morning, he was coming home late every day, he barely spoke at supper and he retreated to his room straight after supper, declining to hang out with any of us downstairs. I knew all of us were waiting for Adam or Brian to put him right, but for some reason, they weren´t saying anything, which I thought was really unfair. Usually, I would discuss this kind of behavior with Guthrie, but he was becoming ever more hostile when I talked about Olivia- which was the second thing that was bothering me. I didn´t understand what his problem was; I felt like I was losing Crane, Daniel and Guthrie all in one week and it unsettled and disturbed me.

But I was still really excited on Saturday when it was time to go to Olivia´s house. Adam drove me there in the truck and took me up to the door and introduced himself to Olivia´s mother, who even though she was a bit older and married, flashed him an enormous smile, which even at my young age, I recognized as being flirting. They spoke for a couple of minutes and then Adam pulled me into his side for a quick hug.

"Be good and have fun," he said.

/

I had a magical time at Olivia´s house. It was just so different to what I was used to. On the way up to Olivia´s room, we passed a room which she said was her father´s home office, and I found out that her father was an architect and that they were designing and building their own house which would eventually be in Sonora. Her room was palatial with high walls and ceilings; it was bigger than Adam and Brian´s room which was already large- the largest bedroom in our house. There was an enormous canopy bed with pink sheets and satin pillows which looked big enough to sleep three people and she even had a television in her room: a color one at that, whereas we only had a black and white one in the living room and one in Adam and Brian´s bedroom. Pink and white shelves lined one wall of the room which were stuffed full of toys: dolls and Barbie dolls and even an Easy-Bake Oven. But the most enthralling thing in her room for me was the gigantic mural painted on the entirety of one of the walls. It was of a garden and centered in the middle of it was a blossom tree in full bloom. It was so realistic that it looked like the sunlight, which was peeking through branches of the trees, was real. It was as though a piece of the outside was right here in the room. I exclaimed over it, and walked over to the wall, touching it wonderingly.

"My mom painted it for me over the whole summer. I got to help too! My sister also has one in her room," Olivia told me, when she saw me admiring it.

The two of us spent the day playing with Olivia´s Barbie dolls, of which she had many. We made up complicated lives and stories for them and changed their outfits numerous times for all the events and parties they had to go to. I have to admit that Olivia led on this- playing with dolls and this way was so alien to me; I had grown up playing outside with Guthrie, making fun with whatever we stumbled upon. Olivia had a costume box full of fancy dress clothes which she said had all been items of her mother´s that she didn´t want anymore- there were swathes of different dresses and capes made of various materials: shiny ones and sparkly ones and sequined ones. There was even a feather boa! The two of us devised a play about two princesses who travel to faraway lands and the adventures they have there, and we performed it to Olivia´s mother and father who sat and watched us indulgently. I met Olivia´s sister, Ella, who was Ford´s age and who also had a friend round at the house. Both of the girls wore drop earrings, and I couldn´t stop looking at the way their ears sparkled when they moved. Olivia mentioned that her mom had said she could get her ears pierced the next time they went to the mall and I said I´d like to get mine done too.

"Maybe you can come with me and my mom and get them done at the same time!" Olivia suggested.

I felt a little skip of excitement in my chest, but I knew there was the stumbling block of Adam and Brian, who most probably would see it as unnecessary frippery.

"I´d like to…" I said slowly… "but I´d have to ask my brothers."

"Or you could just get them done and then it would be too late. That´s what I did," Ella said, shrugging coolly and I thought about what it would be like to know that you could get away with something like that.

We had pizza from a delivery place for supper and then we watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on the plush couches in the luxurious living room, before going to bed at midnight- 4 hours after my regular bedtime. When it was time to be picked up the next day, I was exhausted but floating on a cloud because I had enjoyed myself immensely.

It was Brian who picked me up the next morning in the jeep and when Olivia´s mother saw him, she said to him playfully, "My goodness, Heidi didn´t tell me she had such good looking brothers; each one is more handsome than the last!"

If Adam had been standing there, he probably would just have smiled bashfully and ignored the comment, but Brian went into full on charm mode and flashed her a winning smile saying, "I try my best." The two of them chatted for a minute and then Brian put a hand on the top of my head said to me "What do you say, Heidi?"

I thanked Olivia´s mom and we said our goodbyes. On the ride home, after I had talked almost non-stop telling him about what the two of us had done, there was a brief moment of silence and then I said, "Bri, can I paint my bedroom walls?"

Brian looked at me out the side of his eye. "What, you mean paint the walls a different color? Or freshen up the color?"

"No… I mean do a painting on them. Like a mural or something."

Brian looked at me properly this time as though I were crazy.

"No."

"But why not?"

"Well, because it´s not just your room, for one. It´s also Guthrie´s room. And secondly, we don´t draw on walls."

I shifted my body slightly to face his even though he was facing forward still driving.

"But Olivia´s mom painted on her wall. It´s real pretty and peaceful," I said.

"That sounds real nice, Heidi, but we´re still not doing it in our house," Brian said firmly.

I was quiet for a moment.

"Can I get my ears pierced?"

"Again, no."

I could see that Brian was starting to look a bit exasperated, but I persevered.

"But why not?"

"Because you´re too young. You can get them done if you still want them when you go into middle school," he said, sounding short.

"But that´s still ages away!" I whined. "Olivia´s mom said she can get them done now."

By this time, we were pulling up at home and Brian put the car in park and then turned so he could face me. He didn´t look particularly mad or anything- just resolute.

"That´s great for Olivia, and what Olivia´s parents choose to allow is their business, but Adam and I are responsible for you, and that means you need to mind by our rules."

"But Olivia gets to-" I started, only to have Brian reach out and take my arm gently.

"Heidi, stop. The discussion is closed. You´re going to get yourself into trouble if you continue," he said, firmly. I looked at his face and having only been spanked not yet a week before, I had no desire to push him further so I backed down and headed inside.

/

The problem with not having enough sleep is that it makes me really tired, emotional and irrational. I´ve always been like that and I´m still like that now. I think that´s most probably why Adam was so strict about bedtimes growing up and while I don´t have an official bedtime now, he does draw the line about me staying up too late, especially on weekdays. I had spent the day doing chores with Ford, Evan and Guthrie- Daniel was illusively out again. I had tried to tell Guthrie all about my evening at Olivia´s but he, in an uncharacteristic moment of aggression, had turned to me and said, "Shut up about your stupid sleepover; I don´t want to hear it," before stalking away. That had brought tears to my eyes and I had yelled something equally as hateful back at him.

So I was still internally sulking in the afternoon about that and also about Brian saying no to painting the walls or letting me get my ears pierced when, in the afternoon, Adam told me to get my homework done then because I would be going to bed straight after supper as I looked so tired. I grumbled a bit, but I obeyed him and dutifully got all my homework things out my bag. I did a worksheet for math and one for science, but the trouble really started when it was time to do my reading homework. I was a very good reader, advanced for my grade level and the school had an advanced reading program which I was in. Crane would normally do this homework with me, although I didn´t really need anyone´s help: it was just nice to spend time with someone. Adam was muddling through ranch accounts and had various bits of paper spread out across the table, and Brian was cooking up supper and making a pie for later on. The two of them were having intermittent discussions about various things ranch and money related when I piped up.

"Can one of you help me with my reading homework?"

Adam looked up from what he was doing.

"Why don´t you try doing it yourself this time," he said, with an encouraging smile.

"But I can´t do it myself," I whined, shifting position in my chair.

"Sure, you can! And we´re right here in case you do really need help," Brian said as he added a bunch of seasoning to the chicken he was roasting.

"Nooooo, I can´t do it myself. Crane always sat and did it with me," I whined again.

If there´s one thing my brothers hate, it´s whining. From any of us, although historically, Evan and I have been the worst offenders. Brian´s back was to me, but I saw Adam frown at me.

"Enough with the whining, Heidi. You can see that both Brian and I are doing something. If you really need help with your reading, which I don´t think you do, then you´ll have to wait for a bit later when one of us have a minute," Adam said, in a quiet but curt voice.

"But _YOU_ told me that I had to do my homework _NOW_!" I said, in a near shout. And then because I was tired and emotional, and had lost all sense of self-preservation or rational behavior, I threw my book down on the table away from me, kicked the leg of a chair nearest to me, and promptly burst into tears.

Brian turned around to look at me, a wooden spoon in his hand, and Adam put the pen he was using down on the table. They looked at each other and then at me again-neither of them looked happy with me. Adam got up and came around to my side of the table and grabbed my arm, in a firm but gentle hold, and then he pulled me calmly up from my seat, through the living room where Ford and Guthrie looked on in interest, up the stairs and into he and Brian´s room. They had a large armchair in a corner of the room, which normally had clothes and all sorts of things strewn on it, but at this moment, it was clear. Adam sat down in the chair and for a moment, I thought I was going straight over his knee as a punishment for throwing a fit, but instead, he pulled me to him so that I was sitting on one of his knees with my head against his chest. I cried into him while he just rubbed my back soothingly. I cried because I was tired, and because I missed Crane so much and because Daniel was unreachable and it scared me, and because Guthrie didn´t want to hear about my friendship with Olivia. And I cried because I wanted a mural in my room and because I wanted my ears pierced.

Adam let me cry myself out and when I was done, I wiped my face and nose on his shirt. He gave me a wry smile, "Thanks for that."

He shifted me on his knee so I could look at him and then he said kindly to me, "What´s really going on here, Heidi? It´s not like you to pitch a fit over somethin´ so small."

So, I told him, through hitched breaths about how I was feeling, finishing with my frustration at not being allowed to paint my room and pierce myself. Adam listened patiently and then he said "We´re all hurtin´ because Crane´s not here and Danil´s taking it particularly hard, but he´ll come back to us once he works things through."

I sniffed. "Promise?"

Adam tucked a stray piece of hair which was in my face behind my ear. "I promise. And as for Guthrie, maybe he feels left out by you and Olivia and that´s why he´s actin´ that way."

I looked at him in confusion. "Left out?"

"Well sure. Heidi, it´s been you and Guthrie as partners in crime since the day you were born. And now you´re hangin´ around with someone else. I´m not sayin´ that´s wrong- I´m actually glad you´ve made a new friend, but maybe Guth feels threatened a bit. You need to talk it through with him."

I considered what Adam was saying and it made sense so I nodded. He smiled sympathetically at me. "It´s tough being little sometimes with everyone tellin´ you what you can and can´t do, but we love you and we want the best for you. I know you´re disappointed but we won´t let you pierce your ears until you´re a bit older- you´ll just have to accept that," he said.

"Ok," I said begrudgingly, "But please please please can I paint on my bedroom wall?"

"No, baby. Olivia´s mother is an artist and that´s what she chooses to do in her house. We won´t be doing it in ours." He tickled my side lightly. "Got that?"

"Mmhmm."

Adam slipped me off his knee. "Feel better now you´re all cried out?"

"Yea."

"Good. Hows about we go downstairs and you try your reading again, by yourself this time," he said, raising an eyebrow at me. "And then it´s supper and straight to bed. You´re so tired you´re fallin´asleep standing up."

I still wanted someone to read with me but I knew deep down that I didn´t need it, so I said ok. Adam changed his shirt and put his hand gently on the back of my neck and we went downstairs again. Brian was still in the kitchen and Ford was there now, helping him whip cream. Adam told me I could take my reading and do it in the living room. I was almost finished, when I heard the sound of a car driving up to our house. I was curious and ran up to the window, pulling the curtain and netting back so I could peer out and see who it was.

It was Charlie the police chief, leading a staggering Daniel up to the house.


	7. A decision made

Charlie has been a friend, or perhaps I should say acquaintance, of my older brothers for as long as I can remember. When we were 12, Guthrie was poisoned by a chemical leak when he fell into the stream near our house and swallowed some water. Then, the county sheriff had been a man called Buck, who had turned corrupt and was making deals with companies for his own financial gain, irrespective of the damage it was doing to the local community. Adam, at the insistence of Brian, Crane and Evan, mostly, ran against Buck in the local elections and to cut a long story short, Charlie ended up becoming the next county sheriff of Carbon County after Adam pulled out of the race. But now, he was just the local Murphys sheriff.

Charlie wasn´t being rough with Daniel; he didn´t have him in handcuffs or anything, but he most definitely had a firm grip on Daniel´s arm and it looked like he was helping him to stand up straight. For his part, it appeared Daniel was struggling to walk in a straight line.

My first thought was that Daniel was hurt or ill and I ran to the door shouting, "Adam, come quick!" flinging it open before I even heard a knock at the door.

"Daniel! Are you hurt? Are you ok?" I cried. I wanted to hug him, but there seemed to be an air of danger about him and something held me back.

They were at the door now. Charlie gave me a reassuring half smile and said, "Get your big brother for me, Heidi," before he stepped inside the house, still holding Daniel.

Clearly Adam hadn´t heard me call, or else he had chosen to ignore it, so I ran into the kitchen and yelled again, "Adam, Adam, come quickly. It´s Daniel! He´s with Charlie the sheriff- I think something´s wrong with him."

I didn´t have to say anything else; Adam was up and out of his seat in one quick motion, and Brian and Ford, who were also in the kitchen weren´t far behind. I followed behind them.

"I think this belongs to you," Charlie said to Adam. Found him lyin´ on a bench in the community park in Murphys bout 45 minutes ago and rather than take him to the station, I thought I´d just run him home."

Adam looked straight on at Daniel who grinned lazily and then slurred out the words, "Hey, _daaad_."

Gone was the patience that Adam had been showing all week. "I don´t believe this," he said and stepped forward, grabbing Daniel with both hands by the front of the grey sweatshirt he was wearing. He shook Daniel roughly and said, "What´s gotten into you, Daniel? What do you think mom and dad would think about you now? Being hauled home by the police drunk? You´ve been smokin´ pot too. I can smell it on you."

I had never seen one of my brothers drunk. Sure, Adam, Brian and Crane liked to drink beer and had a rule that when we turned 14, we could drink beer in the house. I knew that Brian went to bars at weekends, but he had never presented drunk and disorderly in front of us younger kids- we only saw the aftereffects. Seeing Daniel like this was scary; I couldn´t predict what he might do next.

Instead of looking intimidated by Adam´s obvious ire, Daniel looked him straight in the eye, or as straight in the eye as he could manage considering he couldn´t quite focus his eyes on anything and laughed- laughed!

"So what if I did, _dad_ ; what are _you_ goin´ to do about it?" he challenged.

I heard Ford intake breath and I echoed him: none of us, and I mean none of us spoke to Adam that way, except for perhaps Brian, and I certainly had never seen it.

I saw Adam look into Daniel´s eyes and hold his gaze. "You just wait till I show ya," Adam said to him through gritted teeth.

I looked on in horror at the scene unfolding in front of me. Without really knowing what I was doing, I grabbed Ford´s arm and moved into his side. But rather than look scared, Daniel smirked and jutted out his chin in defiance. Adam shook him again, and for the first time in my life, I was scared of what Adam might do, but before the situation could escalate, Brian stepped forward and took Daniel´s arm. He wasn´t rough about it, but it was firm enough to pull him away from Adam´s grip.

"Come on, Danil. You´re drunk and you don´t know what you´re sayin´. Let´s go upstairs and you can sleep this off."

He manhandled Daniel away from Adam and Charlie and up the stairs, and Daniel allowed himself to be led on what looked like shaky legs. Adam turned to Charlie and shook his hand.

"Thanks for bringin´ him home, Charlie. Appreciate it. Did you see who Daniel was with?" he said to Charlie.

Charlie shook his head, "Found him on his own today, but Adam, I saw him earlier this week with-" Charlie stopped and looked meaningfully at Ford and I.

Adam got the hint, "Kids, go outside and play until supper," he said to us.

Naturally, neither of us wanted to leave; we both desperately wanted to hear what Charlie had to say. But one look at Adam´s face warned us both off complaining about it and we headed out the front door and decided to go in search of Evan and Guthrie and debrief them about what was happening.

We found Evan working with Diablo in the corral- it looked like they were doing circle work, and Guthrie was sitting on the fence watching Evan and talking to him. Ford and I talked over each other in an effort to tell Guthrie and Evan about Daniel, and Evan dropped the reins he was using to lead Diablo and came to stand with us by the fence.

"But what do you think Charlie wanted to tell Adam?" I asked Evan, thinking that because he was a bit older, he might have some idea.

"I dunno," Evan said, shrugging his shoulders and looking uncharacteristically serious, "But whatever it is, it can´t be good, otherwise Charlie would´ve said it in front of you."

"I wish Crane were here," Ford said and we all agreed.

"Maybe we can call him at his dorms and tell him about Daniel, tell him to come back," suggested Guthrie.

"We don´t have the number, Guth," Ford said.

"But we could get it!" I said, thinking that this sounded like an excellent idea. "Adam or Bri must have it written down somewhere."

"Bad idea, guys. Adam wouldn´t like us to disturb Crane at college and tell him," Evan said with the superiority of being the oldest brother among us.

"Well I could write it in my letter, then," I said stubbornly.

We argued among ourselves about the merits and drawbacks of telling Crane about Daniel´s recent behavior until Adam called us for supper with a wolf whistle from the front door.

We ate earlier than usual on a Sunday and started supper obviously without Daniel, but also without Brian who I assumed was still upstairs with Daniel. He came down not long after we had begun and I heard him telling Adam quietly that he had put Daniel on his side in a bed in their room and that he would stay with him that night and make sure he was ok.

"Charlie said he´s been hangin´ around with the Paterson twins," Adam murmured to him but when Brian tried to ask questions and get more information, Adam waved his hand and said, "Later."

The mood over supper was fraught with tension. Adam and Brian were trying to be normal but I could tell that Adam was still simmering with temper that was masking his worry, and Brian´s patience was thin. I thought that with all the upheaval with Daniel, Adam might forget about telling me I had to go to bed early but straight after supper, he reminded me, telling me that I had half an hour to let my food go down before heading upstairs. I was past the point of being tired now and felt lightheaded and a bit wired, but both Guthrie and I absolutely hated having to go to bed before the rest of the family and I hated having to go to bed before Guthrie even more. Still, I knew that this was not the night to tangle with Adam and went upstairs and brushed my teeth before having to be reminded again.

I had just climbed into bed when Adam walked into my room. Guthrie and I still liked to be read to before bed and we were being read "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe," every night before we went to sleep. Whoever was reading to us would alternate sitting next to either Guthrie or I in one of our beds, against the headboard and we would snuggle into them. We were normally quite good about being honest about whose turn it was to be sat next to, but because Guthrie was still downstairs, Adam came and sat on my bed, against my headboard, stretching his legs out on my bed.

"It´s probably not fair to go ahead with the story without Guth, so want me to read a few pages of your library book to you?" he asked, grabbing the book from my bedside table and flicking through the pages.

I considered and then sat up slightly. "Can I have a memory instead? About mama?" I asked, softly.

`Memories´ were something that Guthrie and I had grown up with Daniel to Ford requesting from Adam, Brian and Crane. Guthrie and I had adopted the appeal as our own. It had been started back in the days when Guthrie and I were really little and our parents had just died. In order to cope, and presumably to keep our parents alive for us younger kids, my three oldest brothers started the tradition. It didn´t have to just be them that us younger kids asked; sometimes Daniel, Evan and Ford asked each other, and often times, Guthrie and I asked those three. They could remember a surprising amount for being so little when our parents died, but of course, the best people to ask were Adam and Brian because their memories of our parents were the clearest and they had a much larger chest to choose from. Being at Olivia´s house with her parents, but especially her mother, had made me want to know more about my own.

Adam looked at me in surprise because I guess he hadn´t been expecting it, and then he said, "Sure Heidi. Uh… let me think." He drummed his fingers on the front of my library book that he was still holding, and then he smiled, "Got one." He put the book down on my bedside table again and lifted his arm so I could snuggle in against him.

"This one is from only a few months before they died, so you and Guthrie were real little- I think you had just turned two years old. Anyway, we went to the county fair that year all together- I hadn´t been with them in a while because I guess I just wanted to be with my friends, but that year, I was datin´ a new girl- Naomi was her name- and I hitched a ride with mom and dad to meet her there because there wasn´t a spare car then. It was hot that summer, so hot that there were days when mom didn´t let Daniel, Evan and Ford play outside cause she thought they would fry, so the fair organizers put on a water fight for the kids to cool down. Bri and I were doing our own thing, and I was on the ferris wheel with Naomi cause she wanted to go on- thought it was romantic or somethin´. You know how sometimes they stop you at the top to let people on at the bottom?"

I nodded, "Uh huh.

Adam poked me playfully in the stomach, "Well from up there, I could see everythin´ - I was facin´ the water fight. Mom was keepin´ you back from there, cause all the kids were older and a bit boisterous- Daniel, Evan and Ford were there. She turned her back for not more than 30 seconds, and you and Guthrie took off, runnin´ on your tiny little legs towards the water fight, with all the big kids sprayin´ and dunkin´ each other around you."

This was the first time I had heard this memory and it felt extra special because unlike many other ones, Guthrie and I were in it. I laughed and then I asked, "Was mama mad?"

Adam shook his head and I heard the vibration of laughter in his chest as well when he said, "Heck, no! Mom just shook her head and laughed and then went chargin´ after you and played in the water fight with everyone so she could keep an eye on you."

"She sounds real nice and fun," I said. Adam smiled at me, but I saw that sad, faraway look in his eye that he got when he talked about our parents.

"She was."

I begged for another memory because I wanted to stall going to sleep but Adam was wise to me and gently told me he would give me one the next evening if I still wanted one. He got up off my bed and as I shifted further down the covers, I asked him if I could invite Olivia over to our house to play the coming week.

"You all can have friends over anytime, you know that," he said as he turned off the light on my bedside table. "Sleep tight. Guth can go to sleep in Daniel´s room tonight so he doesn´t disturb you when he goes to bed."

I nodded and Adam walked towards the door. Just as he was leaving, I said, "Adam?"

"What?"

"You promised Daniel would be ok," I said, in small voice. Adam didn´t answer straight away, and I realized I was holding my breath waiting for the answer.

"He will be, Heidi," he said quietly before leaving my room and shutting the door softly.

/

The next morning when I came down to breakfast, I was surprised to see that Daniel was sitting there at his place at the table. His face was deathly white and he kept swallowing like he wanted to stop himself being sick or something. I said good morning to him, but he only grunted without even looking at me. I was the last one that morning to the table because, inspired by Olivia, I had tied my hair back with a ribbon. I planned to ask Adam if I could get some pretty barrettes, like the kind Olivia had but I was mulling over where to get them since I hadn´t seen anything particularly pretty at the general store in Murphys.

Adam set down a plate of pancakes, one of scrambled eggs, one of bacon and one of toast. All of us filled our plates and started eating and talking except Daniel who looked like he might fall asleep at the table. Adam got up and walked to Daniel´s place, which today was at the end of the table. He reached and grabbed the plate from in front of Daniel and filled it with some food and then put the plate down in front of him.

"Eat," he said.

Daniel stared at the plate distastefully. "I don´t feel like eatin´. I´ll be sick," he said moodily.

"Whose fault is that?" Adam shot back at him.

"Adam, is Daniel going to school today?" Ford asked him but before Adam could answer, Daniel pounded his fist on the table.

"I´m sitting right here, Ford. You _can_ speak directly to me."

"Well… are you?" Guthrie said, eying him curiously.

Daniel shrugged and then Brian said, looking directly at Daniel, "I think Danil, Adam and I have some things to sort out here," to which Daniel couldn´t have looked less pleased.

I thought Evan might make a smart remark about how it was only the second week of school, and already Daniel was in trouble, but he didn´t. You never really know with Evan- sometimes he can be real attuned to the mood and sometimes he´s about as sensitive as a bull in a china shop.

The four of discussed Daniel on the walk to the bus. We had left Daniel with his plate of food still almost full, still sitting at the kitchen table. He had pushed his plate back from him and had his head in his arms, face down on the table. Adam came to the door to see us out, but I forgot my lunch and ran back inside to get it. When I left, Brian had been stacking our plates and putting them in the sink, but now I saw that he had crouched down to Daniel´s level, and had one hand on the back of Daniel´s head, talking gently to him. I stopped and stared for a minute but Brian had seen me and raised his eyebrows in a warning that I should get a move on.

We walked together in a line- Guthrie, Ford, Evan and me.

"What d´you think Adam and Brian will do with him today?" Ford asked in a general, roundabout sort of way.

"I dunno," Evan said, kicking at a large stone ahead of him. "I mean… it´s pretty bad what he did and Adam was so mad. I´ve not seen him that mad since me and Daniel lit that trash can on fire that one time in Murphys."

All of us murmured our agreement. "Evan, who are the Paterson twins?" I asked him.

Evan stopped walking and grabbed my arm, sort of swinging me round roughly so I could look at him. Guthrie and Ford stopped as well when they saw what Evan was doing.

"What do you know about the Escobars?" Evan asked me shortly.

"Ow, Evan! You´re hurting me!" I said and he immediately let me go.

"Sorry. It´s just… how do you know them, Heidi?"

There was an expression on Evan´s face which I couldn´t quite place and then I realized that he was scared.

"I heard Adam tell Brian that Charlie had said that he saw Daniel with the Paterson twins…" I said.

Evan exhaled deeply and then shook his head. "Oh boy, Daniel´s in big trouble," he said.

"Well, who are they?" Guthrie asked again.

"Never mind," Evan said and then he stalked off ahead, kicking stones on the ground, with his hands in his pockets.

The rest of us just looked at each other and shrugged. Evan was walking so quickly that we couldn´t catch up without running and the three of us talked about other things like how many weeks there were until Thanksgiving and Crane came home.

/

That day at school, I asked Olivia if she wanted to come over to the ranch to play one day after school and she said she would ask her mom. I was mindful of what Adam had told me about Guthrie maybe feeling left out and I decided to talk to him about it when I knew which day Olivia would be coming. Olivia didn´t seem too keen on playing soccer but she always had a new toy or doll or something arty in her bag and I really enjoyed her company and the games we played. I just didn´t know how to explain it to Guthrie.

I didn´t get much of a chance to talk to him alone on the way home from school because the four of us speculated over whether we would find Daniel in one piece when we got home. I don´t really know what I expected but when we got home, the living room was quiet but Brian came out of the kitchen as we came home from school to greet us and give us a snack. All of us asked where Daniel was.

"He´s in his room- leave him be. He´s had a hard day," Brian said and we all understood what he meant. Evan, Ford and Guthrie scarpered to do chores or see Diablo but ignoring Brian´s warning, I went upstairs and knocked lightly on Daniel´s door.

There was no answer, so I opened the door gently and then just stood in the entryway. Daniel was lying on his stomach on his bed, with his head laying on one arm, facing the door. His face was really red and swollen, like he had been crying and he was still crying now. Not full out sobbing or anything, but there were tears running down his face.

It hurt me deeply to see Daniel so sad- I didn´t like to see anybody like that, least of all my family- his pain was deep that I could almost feel it like it was my own. I knew that he been through the mill with Adam and Brian, but I knew he wasn't crying because of that. He was crying because he was hurting deeply inside. Because he missed Crane.

"Daniel?" I said softly, from the doorway.

There was no answer. I debated what to do next- whether I should walk away, but Daniel and I had always been close. With Evan or Ford, I wouldn´t have felt comfortable doing what I did next, probably because I knew they wouldn´t let me. But with Daniel, I sensed he wouldn´t mind. I sort of tiptoed to him, and lay down on his bed next to him on my stomach, my face resting on my arm, looking towards him. I was so small and skinny that I fit there quite comfortably, and then I just put my hand on his arm. He didn´t react to me, really, but he didn´t move away from me so I knew it was ok with him that I was there.

I knew that Adam had promised that Daniel would come back to us and be ok, and I trusted Adam absolutely. But I also knew that I had never seen Daniel like this before- so angry and shut down- and it made me feel really scared and unsafe.

Daniel refused to come down for supper that night and Adam took him up some food. As I passed his room, the door was half open and I saw Daniel lying on Crane´s bed, holding Crane´s pillow to him. He hadn´t touched his food. I thought about it and by the time I went to sleep, I was resolved. In my next letter to Crane, I would tell him everything.


	8. Putting Guthrie first

It was a few days before I could write my letter to Crane. Despite the promise I had made when he left that I would write to him every day, I had only managed to send one other letter because with chores, homework and school, there wasn´t a whole lot of time left to do other things. Privacy was also an issue as whereas if I had nothing to hide, I could have sat at the kitchen table to write, I didn´t want to risk this time that someone would get a glimpse over my shoulder of the SOS I was sending.

Of course, Crane called the house to speak to all of us a couple of times a week but conversations were brief with so many people and I couldn´t really talk to him uninhibited. We were all missing Crane more and more as his absence fully sunk in, and Ford had had a couple of migraines again. In uncharacteristic petulance, Ford had made a fuss the last time Crane had called about Daniel getting time and privacy to talk to Crane alone, as just like the first time he had called, Daniel always spoke last and we were shepherded away from the phone.

"How come Daniel gets special treatment all the time?" Ford had demanded when we were marshalled to the kitchen.

Guthrie back him up. "Yea! We all miss Crane. I want to speak to him for longer too!"

I felt the same, but I understood that Daniel was on the edge of a precipice and that Adam and Brian felt that him getting time to talk to Crane was the only thing keeping him from falling over the edge.

Adam had cupped the side of Ford´s face with his hand and said, "I understand how you feel, but Daniel needs this a bit more than you two do right now. Imagine the roommate you´ve had your whole life suddenly isn´t there anymore."

"He can come in with Evan and me if he wants," Ford suggested, his sensitive side emerging once more.

"Evan and I," Adam corrected.

"No, Adam, you share a room with Brian," Ford said, giving Adam a look of pity as though there were things he just didn´t understand and Evan started laughing.

Adam chuckled. "No, Ford, I corrected your grammar. It´s Evan and I... never mind- that's beside the point. You understand what I´m saying? About Daniel?"

Ford nodded reluctantly. "I get it. But it´s still hard," he grumbled.

Adam ran a hand over his hair. "I know."

/

I finally got the chance to write my letter in the middle of the week on a Wednesday. On the way home from school, I told Guthrie in hushed tones what I was planning and asked him to cover my chores for me so I could disappear for a while. He didn´t really see the point of my plan.

"But even if you tell Crane about Daniel, what´s he actually going to do about it?" Guthrie asked as we watched Evan and Ford kick the soccer ball to each other up ahead.

"I dunno. Maybe he can say something to Daniel. Make him feel better."

Guthrie looked dubious. "Like what?"

"I don´t know, Guth. But doesn´t it scare you to see Daniel so sad?"

"Sure," and then Guthrie fell silent and I was lost in my own thoughts on the way home.

Even though I could tell Guthrie disagreed with me about telling Crane the full extent of Daniel´s suffering, he still did my chores for me and I went to sit in the barn attic armed with a pad of paper and a pen. Although I knew that Daniel and Crane talked, I knew Daniel well enough to know that he wouldn´t be telling Crane how he really felt because as much as Crane protected Daniel, Daniel also protected Crane. Even though he was lost without Crane, he understood what college meant to him, had seen how hard he had worked to get there. But I was really frightened. So I wrote to Crane all about it, and how Daniel had come home drunk and how Charlie said he was seen with the Paterson twins and how Evan had seemed frightened by that, and how Daniel had been the day after his drinking episode when we had come home from school, and how he went back to school the day after his hangover, but he didn´t engage with any of us on the walk to school. I wrote how as per Adam´s instructions, Daniel came home on time after school, and he was back at the kitchen table doing homework with the rest of us, but how he barely touched his food. I finished it by writing that I loved him and missed him and couldn´t wait to see him soon.

When I was finished, I went to the house where the stationery drawer was kept, which housed all sorts of things like spare pens and pencils, sticky tape and glue and envelopes. I made sure to seal it and write Crane´s dorm address in my best handwriting before carting it to the kitchen to give to Brian to post. I found him in the laundry room surrounded by a mountain of freshly washed clothes. When I asked him if he could post the letter for me, he told that it probably wouldn´t be until Saturday when he had time to go to the post office.

"Oh…" I said, feeling disappointed. I had imagined dramatically that my letter would be sent immediately, Crane would get it the next day, and then all this business could be sorted by the end of the week.

"What´s the matter?" Brian asked.

"Nothing…it´s just I hoped that you could post it before…"

"How come?" He eyed me suspiciously. More so than Adam, Brian and Crane always seemed to have an inkling when I had something under my sleeve. Brian was often so busy doing outside or inside chores to look after us all that it often fell to Crane to get to the bottom of things before they got out of hand. Not that I viewed this as a getting out of hand type of act.

"No reason. I just want Crane to get some mail. Remind him of home in case he´s lonely," I said quickly, hoping that I sounded convincing.

"That so? Well, unless you call a carrier pigeon here to fly it there, afraid you´ll have to wait until the weekend, kiddo. But I´m sure he´ll call again this week."

I didn´t want to arouse any further suspicion so I said ok and offered to help him with the laundry.

/

The next day, Olivia came home to the ranch with me after school. I have to admit, I had been privately worried all week about what she would think of our house. Olivia´s family and the way they lived were, how can I put this- sort of genteel. The way we lived certainly was not. Our house wasn´t dirty- in fact, Adam and Brian were house proud in their own way, but the house was messy and there was generally stuff lying around everywhere. Olivia´s family sat at the supper table and everyone spoke one at a time and listened to each other before giving a reply. While it wasn´t unknown to happen, my family all talked at once to each other and the noise level was boisterously loud, not to mention the endless hands reaching out to grab dishes up and down the table. And I didn´t have any dolls to play with. Granted- I had never really wanted any up until now and had never asked for any but I wondered what Olivia would think when she realized there wasn´t a single Barbie to be found in sight. I also worried about Guthrie and how he would feel about having Olivia at the house, seeing that he didn´t seem to be too enamored by our friendship. I knew he wouldn´t be rude to her face- Guthrie´s not really like that, and anyway Adam and Brian wouldn´t have tolerated any of us being rude to a guest, but I didn´t want him to feel put out.

I needn´t have worried because Olivia seemed equally as enchanted with the ranch and my family as I was with hers. She squealed with excitement at seeing all the animals and was thrilled to be able to get up and ride on a horse for the first time, although she just sat on top of Glow, our most gentle horse while Evan led her by the reins around the corral a few times. Guthrie came with us down to the creek and she shrieked when he caught a frog and held it up to her. He didn´t appear to mind though and it looked like he enjoyed splashing around in the water with us. Rather than being intimidated at the supper table, she was delighted by the rowdiness and laughed enthusiastically at all of Evan and Brian´s jokes which spurned them on even more. When her dad picked her up after supper, she threw her arms around me before she left and said, "I love your family, Heidi. They´re really nice, you´re really lucky."

I went to sleep that night feeling like I was bathed in a warm glow.

/

My elated mood was dampened considerably the next day though. At school, Olivia asked if I wanted to go to the mall with her and her mom on Saturday and then stay at her house again. They were going to be having a girl´s day and her mom would even take us for manicures. When I asked my brothers that night after supper though, both of them had hesitations.

"Gosh, Heidi, that will be three times in one week, and you stayin´ at hers, twice in a week," Adam said.

"Her mom doesn´t mind, Adam. Pleeease?" I begged.

"It´s not fair to skip out on your chores again," he added.

"Well… then I´ll do extra chores next week to make up for it."

"Aren´t you a bit young to be having manicures?" Brian chipped in. He was shrugging on his jacket and he was on his way out as was custom for him on a Friday night.

"It´s just for fun, Bri! Please?"

Adam and Brian looked at each other and Brian shrugged as if to say it was Adam´s call. I guess I must have looked really pleading because then Adam said, "Ok, Heidi. But don´t get too used to this manicure business. Coz it´s not goin´ to become a habit round here."

"I won´t. Thanks, Adam," I said, throwing myself into him for a hug.

But at bedtime, when I excitedly mentioned to Guthrie what my plans were for the next day, after both of us had brushed our teeth and were just messing around in our room waiting for Adam, he scowled at me.

"You guys are hanging out again? What, you wanna move in there or something?" he said.

I looked at him in surprise. I had thought that with Olivia coming to play and the three of us hanging out, he would be ok with her.

"I thought you liked Olivia now," I said.

"She´s fine. I just don´t get why you have to go there every day!"

"I don´t go there every day!"

"Well that´s what it feels like. It´s all Olivia said this, or Olivia has that, or guess what Olivia and I did," he said, putting on a high pitched voice as if to do an impression of me.

I knew there was some truth in what Guthrie had just said, but the way he was mocking me riled my temper and made me unsympathetic to his feelings.

"Yea? Well Olivia´s way more fun than you any day and I like her way more than you!" I shouted.

I saw immediately from the way Guthrie´s face fell that my words had majorly hurt his feelings.

He grabbed the pillow and the comforter off his bed. "Fine! If that´s the way you feel, then I don´t want to sleep in the same room as you!" he yelled back at me before storming out of our room.

"Fine! See if I care!" I yelled back at him and burst into tears, slamming the door after him. Hard. I lay face down on my bed and cuddled Rocket, my childhood stuffed elephant to me.

Not more than a minute after, I heard Adam´s footsteps on the landing and him coming into my room, as I knew he would. He hated door slamming.

"What´s goin´on, Heidi?" he asked me, sounding irritated. "Why am I hearing doors slammin´? And why is Guthrie in Daniel´s room sayin´ that he refuses to sleep in the same room as you?"

"Guthrie´s being a jerk," I said, but my head was still in the pillow and my voice came out muffled.

"I can´t hear you, Heidi. Look at me please," said Adam, sounding even more short-tempered.

I turned over so I was lying on my back.

"Guthrie´s being a jerk."

"I see," Adam said, coming to sit on the side of my bed. "Sit up, please while we´re talkin´."

I obeyed him and he raised his eyebrows at me. "Care to tell me what all this is about?"

I knew that the question was rhetorical so I told him what had happened with Guthrie mocking me about Olivia, conveniently leaving out what I had said to him about Olivia being more fun. But Adam knows me really well and he knows I have a temper and can sometimes run my mouth. He gave me a look.

"And then?"

"And then, what?"

"What did you say to Guthrie after he made fun of you," Adam said impatiently.

I paused for a moment, and then I told him.

"Heidi," Adam said sternly, giving me a disapproving look.

"Well! He hurt my feelings!" I said, trying to justify myself.

"And you just thought that you would hurt him back, is that it?"

I looked down, feeling ashamed of myself.

Adam sighed and put a hand on my leg. "Look honey, I know that it´s gotta be tough on you, being the only girl in a houseful of boys. I get that being with Olivia gives you somethin´ you want or need that none of us here can give you, so I´m happy you´ve got a new friend. She seems like a nice kid and I can see from the way you two play together that you like her a lot. But Guthrie- well- he´s been your brother your whole life, and it´s always been the two of you, like I explained to you the other day. Imagine that it was the other way round and Guthrie started hangin´ around with someone new a lot. Wouldn´t you feel a bit jealous?"

I considered what Adam was saying and I knew he was right. "I guess…what should I do, Adam?" I said, shifting on my bed slightly.

"What do you think you ought to do?" Adam asked and I sighed. He and Brian did this a lot- tried to get me to figure out the answers to my own questions.

"Probably apologise."

Adam nodded. "Sounds like a good idea. But why don´t you wait until the mornin´. Let me talk to Guth and let him cool down a little," he said.

"Okay."

"That´s my girl." He tapped me on my nose. "And no more slammin´ doors."

/

The next morning, I caught Guthrie before breakfast. He was coming out of the bathroom and was still bleary eyed and wearing his pajamas. I grabbed his arm and pulled him into our bedroom.

He hovered by the door but didn´t say anything.

"I´m sorry, Guth, about what I said about Olivia being more fun. It´s not true… you´re my best friend. I´m gonna call Olivia after breakfast and tell her I can´t come to the mall and then maybe you and me can do something." Adam hadn´t told me that I shouldn´t go out that day with Olivia but I knew in my heart it was right to spend the day with Guthrie.

One thing about Guthrie is that he readily and easily forgives. His face lit up.

"For real?" he said.

"Yea."

"Let´s go up near Langley´s Pond!" he said, with excitement.

"Okay."

/

Later that morning, before we headed out to Langley´s Pond, I reminded Brian about posting my letter to Crane and he playfully pulled on my ponytail.

"Got it on my list," he said.

Guthrie and I spent the day near to Langley´s Pond which was still on our property but nearer up into high country, but we were only allowed to go if we took Evan and Ford with us and so we managed to persuade them to come too. In days gone by, Daniel would have come with us too, but he was grounded and I doubted that he would have come even if he wasn´t. We even had a job on our hands persuading Evan, who lately was also making noises to suggest he had outgrown us. But we had a good day. We rode up there and took a picnic and the soccer ball and some fishing rods and we all had a frog hunting competition. I even forgot about Olivia and the mall manicures.

That night after supper, it was my turn to do the dishes with Evan, and we were just clearing the plates and stacking them at sink when Adam said, "Heidi, why don´t you take the night off. I´ll take your place."

I looked at him in confusion. "How come?" I asked. This was a first.

"I just think you deserve it," Adam said. "That was a nice thing you did for Guthrie. I´m proud of you."

I loved when Adam or Brian told me they were proud of me. They didn´t say it all the time, so when they did, you knew it meant something.

I smiled at him. "Thanks, Adam," I said giving him the dishtowel.

And after that, Guthrie seemed to warm to my friendship with Olivia. It was like once he heard that Olivia could never replace him in my affections and he knew that he came first, he was more open to her. From then on, Olivia became my best girlfriend and we stayed at each other's´ houses endlessly, but I always made sure that Guthrie and I had time to hang out.

Olivia is still important to me: I consider her as close as a sister. And explaining the origins of our friendship is vital so that you understand why I stood by her. Why I´m still standing by her now over something which happened at the end of the school year.

But first- there´s the matter of what happened when Crane got my letter and what unfolded in the months after that.


	9. Mr Atwood

**Thank you to everyone who is reading and who take the time to review. It´s really encouraging to read feedback- positive or negative! I enjoy writing about this family as I´m going through a divorce and it distracts me.**

The day after Guthrie and I went to Langley´s Pond was a Sunday and since we hadn´t been to church in a few weeks, Adam decided that we were all going to go. He announced it to us the night before and no one, including Brian, looked particularly excited about it. Out of all of us, Crane was always the one who felt the closest relationship with God and the church, and we went more often when he had been at home. I don´t really know what Adam or Brian thought about the church. These days, a large part of me thinks that both of them are somewhat agnostic, but what I do know is that our parents, our mother especially, had been quite heavily involved in the church and I think that Adam feels like it´s his duty to give us a spiritual upbringing the way they would have. I also know that the wider church community rallied around my family when my parents died and helped a lot with watching some of us sometimes when we were real little so that my brothers could manage everything. In the last year, I´ve really been questioning the existence of God and religious structures. It´s not that I don´t believe in anything, but I´m curious and open to the idea of other religions and practices. I asked Brian a couple of months ago about his beliefs because I´ve always suspected he feels the same way as I do now, but he was a little cagey about admitting it.

Anyway, this particular Sunday, all of us piled into the truck in our best clothes after breakfast, except Evan and Ford, who managed to wangle sitting up front with Adam. Brian quite liked sitting in the back with us younger kids. Sometimes on the way home from church he would get out his harmonica and we would sing folk songs all the way home.

As we were filing into the pew, it looked like I would be at the very end of the line, closest to the wall in a spot which was somewhat secluded. I was grateful for this as I was beginning to feel not particularly well. I couldn´t put my finger on it- I just felt… out of sorts, so I was cheered by the fact that maybe I could lean against the wall and shut my eyes with no one noticing. But just as I sat down, Evan, who had sat down next to me, nudged me.

"Swap with me."

"Why?"

"Coz I want to read my rodeo magazine and that´s the best spot for no one seeing me," he said.

I looked at him quizzically. "I don´t see any magazine."

Evan looked around him quickly, scanning to check no one was looking and then he opened the blazer he was wearing over his shirt. Sure enough, he had a copy of ´Rodeo News´ tucked into one of the inside pockets.

"Someone will see you," I said. "Maybe not Adam or Brian, but someone behind us. Mrs Gleeson or something and then she´ll tell."

Evan rolled his eyes. "No, they won´t from that spot. C´mon Heidi, please!" He slapped the outside of my thigh lightly with the back of his hand.

"I don´t feel good, Ev. I want to lean my head against the wall."

Evan looked even more impatient with me. "You can lean against me," he said and then he stood up and I had no choice but to swap places with him because the sermon had started and I could feel Adam´s stare on us, trying to work out what was going on.

It was hot in the church. I don´t normally follow the sermon in church- and this time was no different. I thought about the next time I would get to hang out with Olivia and wondered if, in addition to getting manicures at the mall the day before, Olivia´s mother would also have let her pierce her ears. I hoped not. I had already constructed a fantasy in my head where the two of us would get our ears pierced together. Despite Adam and Brian saying no for just now, I still held out hope that they would change their minds. Evan in the meantime had inserted his magazine into a copy of the ring binder of hymn sheets they hand out at the start of every service. He did let me lean against him and I read a little over his shoulder, learning about Buff and Jane Douthitt- a famous rodeo couple who had been on the scene for many years. Still, I found it really difficult to stay awake. My limbs felt heavy, including my head and I think I lapsed into a dreamlike state against Evan various times.

After the service was over, we were all filing out the pews into the aisles. As Evan and I trailed out side by side, we heard a voice behind us.

"So, kids. What´s new in the rodeo world?"

Both of us whipped around to see Brian behind us - I don´t know how, since he had been sitting next to Adam and should therefore logically have been in front of us and almost at the door by now.

I got ready to protest my innocence and say that it was all Evan and I could see that Evan was also quickly concocting a defense, before we noticed a smile playing at the corner of Brian´s mouth.

Both of us relaxed a little. "You won´t tell Adam?" Evan asked.

"Not if he doesn´t ask," Brian said, striding past us to shake the hand of the pastor at the door. What Brian meant by that is that he wouldn´t lie to Adam if he asked him outright. The two of them were a parenting team. But Brian was, and continues to be to this day, more irreverent in a way that Adam never is.

Normally after church, a lot of milling around and chatting is done, and in those days Guthrie and I often played with other kids around our age in the field behind the church until we were called to go home. This time, however, because I felt so unwell, I told Guthrie to go on without me and sat down on a grassy patch cross-legged to the front left side of the church to wait for my brothers to finish talking. I picked absently at the late blooming daisies on the grass and watched the scene around me. Ford and Evan had started to kick a ball around with some other kids their age, and Daniel was lolling with one hand against the left side of the church wall, talking and laughing with a very pretty girl with long blonde hair whom I didn´t recognize. I figured her family must be new to the area since we knew everyone at church by name.

Adam and Brian were chatting to some other ranchers in the area when the group was approached by Mr Atwood. I didn´t really know too much about him, apart from the fact that he was a lawyer and he had been helpful around the time of my parents´ death. He must have asked if he could have a word with my brothers in private because they excused themselves from the group. They talked for a minute and then it looked like Brian had said something funny because they all laughed. But then Mr Atwood reached out and put one hand on each of Adam and Brian´s arms and said something to them which made both of their faces transform into stone. Mr Atwood said something more and both of them nodded at him. As he walked away, both Adam and Brian turned their backs to me but it looked, from the way they were holding themselves stiffly, that whatever Mr Atwood had said had bothered them greatly.

It was only a few minutes after that Brian gathered up my brothers to go home by whistling in their direction and hollering their names. I heaved myself up and followed them to the truck. Because I didn´t feel good, I climbed into the front of the truck next to Adam, and Guthrie clambered to join me, but Brian had other ideas and because both he and Adam were clearly very distracted by something, neither of them noticed that I was out of sorts, and I sensed that something was wrong so I didn´t want to say.

"Scoot into the back, kids," Brian said, clicking his fingers at us and motioning in the direction of the truck bed.

Guthrie looked at Brian unhappily. "No fair, Bri! We got here first!" he said.

Brian looked highly irritated for a second and then his face softened. He demanded respect from us at all times, especially from me and Guthrie since he had raised us since we were toddlers, but he wasn´t a bully and he had a strong sense of justice. It was unlike him to just bid us to do something so he could get a better position or be more comfortable. He reached out and rubbed the back of Guthrie´s head.

"I know it´s unfair, kiddo, but I really need to talk to Adam just now, so I need you to do this for me without raising hell. Can you do that?" he said.

Guthrie nodded, reverting back to his normally affable self at Brian´s conciliatory words and slid out of the truck, scrambling into the truck bed. I made to follow him and Brian ran a hand over my hair and smiled at me as I also slid out the front of the truck and climbed into the back.

"What´s that about?" Daniel asked us and Guthrie shrugged his shoulders. I could have said something about what I had seen in front of the church, but something stopped the words from coming out. Jostling around in the bed of the truck was turning my stomach and I closed my eyes briefly.

"Heidi, what´s up?" I heard Daniel ask me quietly, while the others were talking and laughing rowdily. He took a closer look at me. "You´re lookin´ kinda peaky. You feelin ok?"

I told Daniel that I didn´t feel so good and he reached out and felt my forehead.

"You don´t have a fever," he said.

"It´s probably nothing. Don´t tell Adam or Brian, ok?"

Daniel looked at me curiously. "Why not?"

"I don´t want to get sent to bed early tonight. Please, Daniel?"

Daniel said he wouldn´t and then he put his arm around me and let me lean into him the rest of the way home. For a moment, it was like having the old Daniel back.

/

After we had lunch, we all scattered to various places. I hadn´t eaten much- my stomach was still unsteady. Normally, that´s something Adam especially would have noticed, but he seemed oblivious this time- his mind elsewhere so that´s how I knew he was still tense and distracted by what Mr Atwood had said earlier. Later in the afternoon, I was the only one in the house lying on one of the couches in the living room, engrossed in my book when I heard a car pull up outside. Because our ranch is sort of isolated, a stranger visiting is always a point of interest for us kids and so I pulled my sore body up off the couch and opened the front door, peering outside to see who it was. It was Mr Atwood. He was a portly man, with a large belly and a ruddy face, but rather than looking intimidating, he sort of resembled Father Christmas. He greeted me as he walked up to the house and asked me where Adam and Brian were. I was about to answer that they were outside, when I saw that both of them had appeared from wherever they had been, as though they had known he was coming at this particular time. They walked up to the house together and then, as I was making a move to go and lie back down on the couch, Adam walked up to me and crouched down to my height so he was face to face with me.

"Honey, I know we did this to you earlier as well, but we need you to go and read someplace else just now. Why don´t you go down to the barn?" he said.

I was really intrigued now and I wanted to stay so I said, "I´ll be real quiet, I won´t bother you."

Adam smiled at me and then he stood up. "I know, kiddo, but we need the house to ourselves right now. Tell the others too, if you see them not to come up for the next hour or or. Can you do that for me?"

Adam´s always nice to me; even when he´s scolding or punishing me, I never feel like he´s nasty or cruel, but sometimes, he is prone to giving orders and expecting us to follow them like a drill sergeant. This time, however, he was being more sensitive and it piqued my interest in what Mr Atwood was doing there even more.

But I told Adam that I would go outside. As I was gathering up my book and leaving the house through the front door, Brian said, "Heidi."

I turned around. "Yea?"

"We´re not going to have any problems with eavesdropping today, right?"

I felt my face grow hot and I met Brian´s eye. "Right."

He winked at me. "Good girl."

/

It turned out that I only saw Evan who was working with Diablo in the corral. The other three weren´t in sight and I knew that given the chance, Evan would work with Diablo until late into the night if he could, so I didn´t bother to pass on the message not to go into the house. I climbed up into the barn attic and tried to read my book but I couldn´t concentrate. Not only was I starting to feel physically worse, but I kept wracking my brain as to what Mr Atwood was doing at our house. Was it something to do with Daniel, maybe? Perhaps he was in even more trouble. But Daniel hadn´t been in any more trouble since last weekend and was keeping a low profile. Possibly it could be something to do with the ranch- some sort of financial trouble. While my brothers were very good at protecting us from worries, we all grew up knowing that money was tight and that often we were just getting by. It´s something which, at this point in my life, I´m aware of enough to know that I want to get a good enough job in my life where money isn´t a problem. Sometimes I dream about being able to give back to my brothers for all the sacrifices they´ve made.

The mulling sent me to sleep and I must have slept away the rest of the afternoon, because I only woke up when I heard my name being called from the barn door by Ford, who had been sent to round everyone up for supper. When I climbed down and headed inside for supper, Mr Atwood was gone and I studied my oldest brothers´ faces to see if I could work anything out, but they clearly had decided to keep what was going on to themselves. They laughed and joked with the rest of us and Brian had even made an apple pie which we had with ice cream for dessert. I managed to eat a normal portion at supper- my nap had helped me to feel miles better.

That night, it was Brian who came upstairs to read to us and tuck us in. Guthrie was still in the bathroom brushing his teeth and Brian sat down and then stretched out on Guthrie´s bed groaning and saying that lying down felt so good. He grabbed a soft baseball sized ball from Guthrie´s side table and threw it up in the air and then caught it. I took the opportunity to ask him what was on my mind.

"Bri, what did Mr Atwood want when he came to the house today?"

Brian didn´t look at me, just repeated throwing the ball high into the air and catching it.

"Just to talk to Adam and me about somethin´."

"About what?"

"Nothin´ you need to worry about, Heidi."

"But are we in trouble? Is it Daniel? Or is it the ranch? Is it a money problem?" I asked, ignoring what he had just said about not having to worry.

Brian sat up on Guthrie´s bed. He stood up and then crossed to my bed, where he sat down on the side of my bed and put the ball down on the side of my bedside table.

"So many questions for such a little girl; I think I´ll need to do something about that!" he said teasingly and started tickling me. I squealed and laughed and squirmed to get away and by that time, Guthrie had come back from the bathroom and was climbing into bed and Brian busied himself with reading to us from our book.

/

I woke up at 11.30pm according to the clock on my bedside table. I felt like I had been hit by a truck: my body hurt so badly, and I was freezing, as though I were standing outside in minus temperatures. Guthrie was snoring lightly and I knew that he was such a heavy sleeper that waking him up would be a job. And anyway, I wanted Adam. I heaved myself, which was a job considering how wretched I felt, and padded down the hallway to Adam and Brian´s room. Normally I would knock on the door before I went in but I knew they would both be asleep so I just opened the door softly. Neither of them were there. Their beds were still made as well, as though neither of them had been to bed yet. Thinking that maybe they were downstairs, I headed to the living room, but it was silent and dark, as was the kitchen. Perhaps they had gone somewhere, but a glance out the window told me that both the truck and the jeep were still here. I was scared by now, and feeling so unwell was making me feel vulnerable and tearful. I thought quickly and decided to wake up Daniel. I grabbed a blanket on the back of the couch and wrapped it around myself to make myself warm, hauling myself back up the stairs.

Daniel was lying on his back sleeping peacefully, hugging a pillow to him. I shook him slightly.

"Daniel."

No answer. I shook him slightly harder.

"Daniel!"

"Five more minutes," he murmured, without opening his eyes.

"No, it´s not morning yet. I don´t feel good," I said, starting to cry properly.

Daniel opened his eyes and when he saw me there, weeping, he became more alert, sitting up.

"Heidi? What´s the matter."

"I don´t feel good. And I can´t find Adam or Brian," I cried.

"You can´t find them?"

"They´re not in the house. I´ve looked. My body aches, Daniel and I´m freezing."

Daniel threw the covers off on to the floor and sat up properly. He felt my forehead with his hand for a moment and then said, "Hell, you´re burnin´ up."

He swung himself out of bed and then maneuvered me so I was lying down on his bed. It felt so good to be horizontal again and feel the softness of the bed beneath my aching back.

"Ok, little sister, wait here. I´ll be back soon," he said, pulling on jeans, a sweater and his boots.

"Where are you going?" I whined.

"To find the guys. They can´t be far- they wouldn´t leave us all alone in the house at night like that," he said.

Daniel grabbed a flashlight from one of his dresser drawers and disappeared out the door. I could hear his bootsteps clomping down the stairs and after a couple of moments I heard the front door open and close.

All sense of time was lost in my feverish state, laying in Daniel´s bed, alternating between being freezing, burrowing myself under blanket I still had wrapped around me from the living room, and throwing it off in despair not too long later when my skin suddenly felt burning hot. Having a fever reduced me to having hallucination like dreams- I fell into a light sleep dreaming about an enormous horse with gigantic, oversized hooves threatening to trample me and only awoke when I heard voices and felt a hand on my forehead and on the side of my face.

When I opened my eyes, Adam was perched at the end of Daniel´s bed, flanked by Daniel and Brian, standing slightly behind him. All three of them were peering down at me worriedly.

"Daniel says you´re not feeling too well; what´s the matter?" Adam said gently, pushing back the hair which was plastered to my forehead with sweat.

"Where were you?" I asked tearfully, ignoring his question. "I couldn´t find you in the house!"

"It´s ok, honey, we were just out discussing somethin´ in the barn. Tell me what you´re feelin´," he repeated.

I told him, and then Daniel said, "She wasn´t feeling well after church yesterday either. She asked me not to tell you. He looked down remorsefully. "I´m sorry…" he said softly.

Brian put his arm around him and squeezed his shoulder and Adam turned to him and said, "It´s fine, Danny. She´ll be fine. Get back to bed now- there´s school in the mornin´."

Adam, followed by Brian, picked me up and carried me to the room he shared with Brian, laying me on Brian´s bed. He popped a thermometer in my mouth and took it out a few minutes later. "102.7," he said to Brian.

"Give her some Tylenol," Brian said.

"Yea. Listen, I´ll take care of Heidi here. Go and catch some sleep in Daniel´s room. God knows we´re going to need it to meet again with Atwood tomorrow," Adam said to him.

"You sure?" Brian said, and when Adam nodded, he slapped him on the back and kissed my forehead before treading lightly out the room in his bare feet.

Adam left for a moment. When he came back, he gave me two Tylenol and helped me to sit up, leaning against him while he made me drink a glass of juice. When I lay back down, he sponged my face and arms and legs with a lukewarm cloth. I was freezing again and wanted an extra blanket, weeping pitifully as I told Adam so.

"No, baby. It´s the fever talkin´ and you can´t get too hot. Close your eyes and try to sleep. You´ll feel better soon," he said.

But every time I shut my eyes I would see the enormous horse looming in the forefront of my mind, barring me from rest. When I mentioned this to Adam, he fetched my book from my room and read to me softly.

/

The Tylenol must have kicked in, because the next thing I remember is waking up in the morning, desperate to pee. My body ached again, but it wasn´t as sore as the previous night. The clock on Brian´s bedside table read 10:39 am and I was surprised that I hadn´t woken up earlier with the stampede of my brothers getting up and ready for school which could rival the noise of a herd of elephants in the wild.

I lay in bed for another 10 minutes and then dragged myself out of bed. After I had been to the bathroom, I headed downstairs, still in my pajamas expecting that the house would be empty as my brothers would be outside working on whatever needed to be done, but as I walked through the living room, I heard both of their voices, and the voice of a third man. Mr Atwood was here- again. Rounding into the kitchen, I saw that they were all huddled around the end of the kitchen table, drinking coffee and pouring over some documents. I hovered by the entrance to the kitchen, unsure of whether I would be allowed to enter after being sent outside yesterday, but when Adam saw me, he held out his arm to me and smiled at me. "Good mornin´ sunshine. How you feelin´?"

I was a bit grumpy and I still felt really unwell, so I just shrugged and went to stand beside him, who put his arm around my waist and pulled me to him. He felt my forehead again.

"I think your fever´s down since last night. You hungry?" he said to me.

"Not really…" I said.

"I heard you´re not feelin´ so good, little lady," Mr Atwood said kindly to me, the cup of coffee still in his hand.

"Why are you here, again?" I said to him, except it unintendedly came out surly and churlish.

"Heidi! Mind your manners," Adam said, swatting me lightly on the backside.

"No… I didn´t mean it like it sounded," I said to Mr Atwood. "I´m sorry…"

Mr Atwood didn´t appear to take offence and he smiled at me. "You´ve seen quite a bit of me over the past couple of days, haven´t you."

I nodded. "Your brothers will fill you in soon, no doubt," he said.

I really wanted to know then and there, but Brian distracted me by asking me what I wanted to eat and when I said that I wasn´t hungry, he put a couple of pancakes on a plate for me with some jelly and a glass of juice and told me to take it into the living room. I had hoped that I would be able to hear what they were talking about from there but they kept their voices real low so all I could make out was a murmur.

Mr Atwood left around an hour later and I spent the rest of the day sleeping or watching TV on the couch until my brothers came home. Apart from work I had missed, Guthrie brought me home a note on scented notepaper from Olivia which said she missed me and hoped I would be back at school soon. She had drawn hearts all over it.

I filled Guthrie in on Mr Atwood´s numerous appearances, pondering about what he could want and why they were all being so secretive, but he didn´t appear that interested.

"Maybe we´re getting new cattle, or something," he said, unperturbed.

"Maybe…" I said although I remained unconvinced.

/

I was off school until the middle of the week and went back on Thursday. I asked my oldest brothers repeatedly throughout the week what Mr Atwood had wanted, but they both either ignored me, distracted me, or in Brian´s case on one occasion, told me to quit poking my nose where it didn´t belong and that I, along with the rest of the family, would be told in due course.

With the Mr Atwood drama and being sick during the week, I hadn't really had time to think about whether my letter to Crane had arrived. He hadn´t called since the weekend, so I assumed that the letter hadn´t reached him yet because I knew he would be in contact when he got it. Call. That´s what I thought he would do. I didn´t think he´d come home. So imagine my surprise when, on Friday evening during supper, he walked through the front the door.


	10. The stranger

We heard Crane before we saw him. He called out a hello as he walked through the front door and there was a split-second pause where we all looked confused before we jumped up from the table and raced to the living room to meet him. Guthrie stood up so quickly that he knocked his chair backwards and Evan practically jumped over the table in an effort to get there quicker. All of us younger kids, including Daniel, threw ourselves at Crane, bowling him over and ending up in a tangled heap of arms and legs on the floor. There was a deafening din of "What are you doing here?" and "We missed you!" from everyone, speaking at once until Adam and Brian started unpeeling us, laughing, from the ground in order to save Crane who at this point was breathless and winded. Brian offered Crane a hand to help him up and then pulled him into a hug and then Adam put a hand on the side of Crane´s face and said, "Crane, not that we´re not thrilled to see you, but what are you doing here?"

That´s when I started to feel rising panic. I knew he had come because of what I had written in my letter and I knew that while I hadn´t misbehaved or anything, neither Adam, nor Brian would be pleased with me if they thought I was calling Crane back from college to deal with a family matter which they would argue they could take care of without him. But I should have known that Crane would be more sensitive to the situation.

"My Monday and Tuesday classes got cancelled this week because my professors are going to a conference and I missed you guys, so I thought it would be the perfect time to visit home," he said.

I breathed out a sigh of relief, not even having noticed that I had been holding my breath.

"How did you get here?" Ford asked him.

"I took the bus and then old Harrison was kind enough to drop me off."

"The bus must have been expensive though, right?" Brian asked.

"Don´t worry about it. I´m good at managing money, if you remember. Now if you´re done with the inquisition, I´m starving! What´s for supper?"

We all laughed. Adam put his arm around him and ruffled his hair and we all headed back to the table, everyone talking to Crane at once about what they had been doing and asking him questions about his life at college. As we were heading back to the table, Brian caught my eye. I smiled at him and he smiled back, but there was a look in his eye which I didn´t like- like he was suspicious of me or something. He didn´t say anything though so I imagined I was being paranoid and went to enjoy the fact that we were, if only for the moment, all together again.

/

Crane spent the rest of the evening telling us all about his life at college. About his classes and his professors and his dorms and the new friends he had made. Daniel and Evan asked about the parties and the girls and Crane winked at them and told them he would fill them in later.

Guthrie showed uncharacteristic stubbornness at bedtime when Adam announced it was time for the two of us to head upstairs.

"Please let us stay up, Adam," he implored, giving him his most piteous face. Guthrie had a really sweet looking face when he was younger: it worked on everybody except Adam.

"No, buddy, not tonight. Go on now," Adam said.

Guthrie crossed his arms in defiance and looked like he might be deciding to set in for an argument which surprised me. He would never win and he knew it. Maybe he was just feeling ornery.

"I want to stay down here with Crane," he said stubbornly, making no effort to move from his place on the couch.

"Guthrie," Adam said, quietly but sternly, pinning him with a hard look. He motioned with his head that Guthrie should go on up the stairs. If I were Guthrie at that moment, I would have run for the hills.

Ever the peacemaker, Crane said, "C´mon partner, how about I read to you and Heidi tonight," to which Evan said immediately, "But you won´t be long, Crane, right? I mean you´re coming back down?"

"Sure."

"Come on, Guthrie," I said softly, pulling his arm. It makes me really tense when Guthrie gets into trouble. I mean, I don´t much enjoy seeing any of my brothers go up against Adam or Brian, but when Guthrie does it, I feel really anxious and my heart starts to beat really quickly.

Adam was still fixing Guthrie with a look, which all of us knew too well. Guthrie seemed to come to his senses at the last minute and sighing, stood up to follow me upstairs.

I woke up once a little bit later to the sounds of faint murmurs coming from downstairs and felt happy and secure knowing that my three oldest brothers were sitting downstairs talking and hanging out, just like it used to be.

/

The next morning, I was out doing my chores, collecting the eggs in the chicken coop before breakfast. I had just finished and was dusting off my hands on my jeans and reaching for the egg basket when I heard the sound of someone coming up behind me.

"Hi, little one."

I turned, to see Crane standing there, wearing his chaps.

"Hi. Have you been out riding already?" I asked.

"Yea, been up for a while. Adam and I cleared some brush."

"Oh," I said. I felt a bit awkward, not because of Crane or anything, just because I didn´t know whether to mention my letter or whether to let Crane bring it up.

"I´ll probably go into Murphys later this morning, and I was wondering if you wanted to go with me?" he said, reaching out to take the basket of eggs from me.

"Just you and me?"

"Yea. Would be nice to spend some time together, don´t you think?" he said.

"What about the others?" I asked.

Crane looked at me in confusion.

"What about them?"

"Won´t they want to come with us? And don´t you want to spend some time with Daniel?"

Crane smiled at me and then put his arm around me, leading me up the house. "You just let me worry about the others and Daniel, ok?"

"Ok."

/

Crane dropped me off at the library and told me he would come and pick me up when he was done at the bank and the feed store. He told me to use the clock on the library wall to meet him outside in 45 minutes. When I hopped back into the truck, I told him all about the new books I had taken out and then he said, "Want to go for an ice cream sundae with me at The Scoop?"

I nodded eagerly. "Uh huh! Can I get one to myself?" Adam always made me share with someone as he said I´d never finish a whole one.

Crane looked at me out the side of his eye. "You think you can finish a whole one?"

"I don´t know," I admitted. "But I´d like to try!"

Crane laughed. "Ok."

When we got there, Crane and I were the only customers, probably because it was mid-morning and not the most apt time to be eating ice cream. We sat facing each other in a booth at the back and were served by Bonnie Bryson according to her name tag, who seemed to know Crane and asked him all about college with a lot of smiling and giggling.

"She was a year below me in school," Crane said by way of explanation once Bonnie had left the table.

I shrugged. "K."

"So," said Crane quietly, absently tearing at a napkin from the dispenser, "Let´s talk about your letter."

I shifted slightly in my seat. "I didn´t mean for you to come, Crane. I just thought you´d call and talk to Daniel and then he would feel better," I said quickly.

Crane stopped tearing strips out of the napkin and put it down, pushing it away.

"I know that. What I said was true. I came because I missed you guys and had some cancelled classes."

We fell into silence for a second when Bonnie brought Crane his cup of coffee and me my lemonade. She told us our sundaes wouldn´t be too long.

I took a sip of my drink which had come with a straw. "How come you didn´t tell Adam or Brian?" I asked him curiously.

Crane shrugged as he poured some milk into his coffee. "I just didn´t want to make a big deal out of anything. But if you want the truth, I think they already know."

I looked at him in horror. "How come?"

Crane fixed me with a wry look. "I love you, little one, but you´re not as slick as you think you are."

"Oh man… do you think they´re mad?" I said.

He shook his head. "I don´t think so." He took a sip of his coffee. "Tell me about what´s been going on with Daniel."

So I told Crane in detail all about how Daniel seemed to be on another planet half the time and about how mad Adam had been when he had come home drunk.

"It´s just not the same at home now that you´re away. Daniel´s so sad and it´s like he doesn´t even like any of us anymore. And no one does my reading with me," I finished, my eyes filling up with tears I didn´t even know were threatening. I hastily wiped them away.

"Well… you don´t really need anyone to read with you. You´re a fantastic reader. Always have been," he said, choosing not to acknowledge my tears.

"Then how come you always read with me?"

"To spend time with you, I guess." He smiled at me. "I read to you a lot when Mom and Dad first died. You and Guthrie both screamed the house down every night for almost a year. Guthrie would only go to sleep if he was in a moving vehicle so Adam or Brian would put him in the car and drive around nearby with him until he fell asleep. You on the other hand, would quieten down if we read to you. So I used to do a lot. And then when you started to read on your own, I never stopped."

That was the first time that anyone had ever told me that. No one really talked about the early days when our parents had first died. I think remembering the chaos was too much to bear for them.

I smiled at Crane. "I miss reading with you," I said and he smiled at me. "Me too."

Bonnie brought our order then. We had both ordered hot fudge sundaes but mine had vanilla ice cream and Crane had chocolate. It truly was huge and I understood why Adam always made me share. Crane must have seen me looking at it dauntingly because he said kindly to me, "Just eat what you can."

I took a spoonful of my sundae which tasted so good and then I said with a full mouth, "Do you think you can help Daniel to feel better."

Crane looked like he was considering and then he said, "I´ve got a couple of ideas but don´t expect any miracles, ok?"

We talked about other things then over our sundaes. I told him in more detail about Olivia although I´d mentioned her before and I said that I hoped that I would be able to sway Adam and Brian on the subject of pierced ears to which Crane smiled and said, "Fat chance."

I also told him about the book I was reading and about Evan reading a rodeo magazine in church and he laughed and rolled his eyes. And then I mentioned that I had been sick and about how often Mr Atwood had visited. Crane didn´t look particularly surprised.

"You know already!" I exclaimed. "Did they tell you? It´s so unfair, Crane- you get to know everything and I get to know nothing!"

"You´re a child, Heidi. It´s not your place or your problem to know everything that goes on," Crane said, more firmly that he usually talks to me, which subdued me slightly but not much.

"Well, when am I going to know why he was over so many times?" I demanded.

Crane raised his eyebrows at my tone. "When and if it turns out to concern you," he said, in the same firm tone. "Now, eat your ice-cream."

Crane changed the subject then and even though I knew what he was doing, I allowed myself to be distracted. I could only manage three quarters of my sundae until I was stuffed to the brim.

"You´ve done a fair job on that," Crane said.

"I´m so full. I´m not sure I can move!" I told him, patting my stomach.

He laughed. "You´ve definitely had your sugar fill for the month. Come here, you´ve got sauce all around your mouth." He wiped my face with a napkin before I took it from him and finished it myself.

Crane signaled to Bonnie that he wanted to pay and then we slid out the booth. I really felt like I would have to roll home, I was so full of ice cream and I told Crane so.

He knelt down and patted his shoulder. "In that case, hop on. I´ll give you a piggyback ride to the car."

/

It was later that day when I heard a car drive up outside. Adam and Brian were out on the ranch, Evan and Guthrie were down at the stables with Diablo, and Crane had taken Daniel out somewhere so it was just Ford and me in the house. Ford had a big science project due in a week and he was working on making his presentation on colored cards. I was just hanging around, talking to him and watching him.

I pulled back the netting at one of the windows in the living room to see a youngish woman with short, really blonde hair get out the car holding a cake. She was slim and pretty, in a kind of obvious way, but her clothes were really tight. She didn´t look like anyone who came from around here. She looked around her for a second and then she took a deep breath and walked up the path to the house.

"Ford, there´s a lady coming to the house holding a cake," I said to him from where I was standing.

Ford looked up from what he was doing. "Who is it? Someone from church?"

"No, I´ve never seen her before," I said.

I went to answer the door but Ford pulled me back. "I´ll get it," he said.

He opened the door and I stood, not far behind me, looking at the woman curiously. Up close I could see that her nails were really red and long, like talons almost.

"Hi… can I help you?" Ford said to her.

The woman looked kind of nervous but she smiled at us. "Hi… uh… I was hoping to speak to… well, I´m looking for Adam McFadden."

"He´s not in the house," I offered and Ford turned to glare at me.

"He´s around somewhere on the ranch," he said. "I don´t know when he´ll be back."

If the visitor had been a man, I don´t think Ford would have felt comfortable doing what he did next. It´s not like we had been raised to be scared of strangers as it was such a small town, but it was a bit weird to have a complete outsider just show up at the door. In any case, she looked completely non-threatening.

"Do you want to come in and wait for him?" Ford asked, stepping back.

The woman smiled at him and said, "That´s kind, thank you."

She stepped into the house and then handed me the cake. "I brought a cake. It´s chocolate. Does your family like chocolate?"

"Everybody!" I said to her and she looked a bit relieved. I took the cake and put it down on the kitchen table. When I went back to the living room, the woman was sitting on one of the couches with her bag next to her, sort of looking around her.

"How do you know Adam," I asked her curiously. She wasn´t much older than Adam but she didn´t look like the kind of woman he would ever be interested in. She didn´t even look much like Brian´s type either, but he was more non-discerning.

"I know your family… kind of…," the woman said softly.

Ford and I exchanged a look. This was just plain strange.

She got up and walked over to the fireplace and picked up a picture of our parents which sat there. In it, they have their arms wrapped around each other and they´re laughing into the camera. She ran a finger over the frame, as though she were caressing it or something.

"These are your parents," she said, more like a statement than a question.

"Yea… they died six years ago," I said.

The woman looked up from the photo sadly at me and Ford. "I know…" she said quietly.

I was feeling really creeped out now. It´s not that the woman was emitting an air of danger, it was more like I sensed that something wasn´t quite right. I know that Ford sensed it too, because he came to stand right next to me.

"Uh… maybe you should come back later; Adam could be a while," Ford said to her.

But the woman shook her head and went back to sit on the couch. "No thank you, I´d like to wait."

She asked us a bunch of questions about ourselves, including our names, and then she asked questions about the family and our lives. Ford and I answered her politely but we didn´t give any more information than was necessary. We asked her her name and she said it was Stacey but she didn´t volunteer her last name.

Thankfully, it wasn´t too long, maybe only 30 minutes or so until we heard the thump of boots coming through the back door and the rumble of Adam and Brian´s voices. I heaved an internal sigh of relief and said to the Stacey, "That´s Adam now."

I ran to the kitchen where Adam was putting on the coffee maker and Brian was washing his hands at the sink.

"Adam!"

"Hi honey. Where´d the cake come from?" he asked, pointing to the cake on the table.

"A lady brought it. Her name is Stacey. She´s in the living room- she says she wants to speak to you."

Brian laughed and slapped Adam on the back. "Got somethin´ to tell me, brother?" he said.

Adam ignored him and muttered to himself, "Stacey… I don´t know a Stacey." He walked round into the living room, followed by Brian and me.

Stacey had stood up from the couch by now and was wringing her hands nervously. Ford was perched on the piano stool.

There was a second of silence while Adam and Brian registered her presence and then Brian held up his hands and yelled, "What the hell?! I don´t believe this! How dare you just show up at our house?"

"Brian," Adam said, in warning to him, trying to get him to calm down like he always does when he loses his cool, but Brian wasn´t to be deterred.

"No, Adam. She has no right. This is our house and she can´t just show up like this uninvited and especially unannounced!"

"How long as she been here?" he demanded to Ford and I.

"Less than an hour," Ford said softly, "Brian, what´s the matter, who is she?"

Stacey was still wringing her hands and she looked really upset at Brian´s yelling. "I just wanted to show you that we want to make amends. He really wants to see you all. Tell you and show you how sorry he is," she said.

"Sorry for what?" I asked, confused. Stacey opened her mouth to answer me but she didn´t get far before Adam cut her off.

"Brian´s right. We heard about your father´s request and we´re dealin´ with it in our own way. It´s not acceptable that you just turn up here."

He walked to the door and opened it. "Please leave."

"Adam what´s going on?" Ford said shakily but Adam ignored him.

"Adam!" he said again.

"Hush, Ford," he said."

Stacey looked around her for a moment pleadingly and then she picked up her bag from the couch and walked out the door and down the path. Adam shut it behind her. Brian´s face was still a storm cloud of anger and he was pacing muttering, "Unbelievable!" His whole body was tense, like he wanted to pounce.

There was a moment of silence and then Brian looked at Adam and said, "Call Atwood."


	11. Family meeting

As Adam walked towards the cove where the phone was kept, Brian turned furiously to me and Ford.

"What were you two thinkin´, letting a complete stranger into the house like that, huh?" he demanded in a near shout. I hadn´t seen Brian this mad for a while, and even though I knew he wouldn´t do anything to us, his anger and the tone of his voice scared me. I edged closer to Ford and he put his arm around me protectively.

"We didn´t know that she was... it was me, it was my fault. I invited her in. Don´t blame Heidi," Ford stammered.

"Who is she, Brian?" I asked him, tremulously but he ignored me.

"What did she say to you?" he demanded again, cracking his knuckles.

"She just asked us some questions about ourselves and she looked at a picture of mom and dad and said she knew our family," Ford said.

Brian huffed. "Knows our family," he repeated in disgust. He came and stood in front of us, and took one of Ford´s arms and one of my mine in each of his hands, shaking us slightly. "Listen to me good, don´t you _ever_ let someone you don´t know into this house again without me, Adam or Crane here. D´ya hear me?"

"Leave em alone, Brian," Adam said, walking back into the living room. "It´s not their fault."

Brian looked at Adam for a moment and then he let us both go. His grip hadn´t hurt at all, but I was glad to be free of his anger, especially as I didn´t know or understand what it was about. He walked through to the kitchen and I saw out the corner of my eye that he grabbed the cake and put it in the bin.

Adam came and kneeled down in front of Ford and I and gave us a half smile.

"I know you´re probably very confused and upset just now, but Brian and I need to talk some. Can you go on outside now?" he said, gently to us.

"Who is she, Adam?" I asked for the second time. I was sick of being kept in the dark and being sent away.

"I promise that we´ll all sit down as a family and we´ll tell you later," Adam said to me, standing up again. "Mind me and go on outside."

Ford and I trailed to the door and headed slowly down the stairs on the front porch towards the barn. As we were heading out, I heard Adam tell Brian that Atwood hadn´t answered but he had left a message. There was a big part of me which wanted to try to stay and hear what was going on, but I knew that if I were to be caught, Brian would show me no mercy with the mood he was in.

"Wow," Ford said me to as we trudged towards the stables.

"Yea," I said, in agreement.

Evan and Guthrie were grooming Diablo when we got to the stables and we lost no time in filling them in with what had happened. The four of spent a large chunk of time discussing who the mystery Stacey might be.

None of us could work it out, but Evan offered up the theory that perhaps Stacey was one of Brian´s girlfriends and perhaps she wanted something from him.

"Maybe she´s pregnant or something?" he suggested.

Both Ford and I were skeptical. "She didn´t look pregnant," I said.

"She also said she knew about mom and dad," Ford pointed out.

"Brian could have told her," Evan said.

But I knew that Evan´s theory was wrong. Whoever this Stacey person was, Brian had looked at her as though he really hated her, and Adam had known who she was as well. I felt a pain in my stomach which I get when I´m scared or anxious about something and hoped that it wouldn´t be too long before my brothers told us what was going on.

/

It was late into the afternoon when Crane came down to the stables, where the four of us were still congregated.

"Crane!" Guthrie said, spotting him first and running to him. "When did you and Daniel get back?"

"Just a little while ago," Crane said. He leaned against one of the stall doors. "Adam and Brian want everyone inside for a family meeting."

"Is this about what happened earlier? Have they told you?" Ford asked nervously.

Crane nodded. "Yea."

"Do you know who she is, Crane?" I asked him.

"I do."

"Who, then?" Evan said, but Crane shook his head.

"I think it´s best you all come up to the house and we can talk about this together."

We followed Crane up to the house, mostly in silent anticipation. Something inside me told me that this would be a difficult conversation and the pain in my stomach intensified. Crane, always attune to the mood of a situation noticed my anxiety and he took my hand without saying anything. I looked up at him and smiled gratefully, and he smiled back at me and squeezed my hand.

When we got into the house, Daniel was sitting on one of the couches. Brian was standing leaning with one arm against the fireplace and Adam was sitting on the coffee table. He stood up when we entered the house and although his face looked grim, he smiled at us.

"Hey kids, come and sit down," he said.

"What´s this about, Adam?" Evan asked.

"Just sit down, Ev," Adam said.

Crane dropped my hand and I went to sit next to Daniel on the couch. Crane came and sat on the other side of me, sandwiching me between him and Daniel. Daniel smiled at me and I thought how much nicer Daniel was with Crane around. Evan and Ford went to sit next to each other on one of the couches and Guthrie went to stand by Brian at the fireplace. Brian ran a hand over his hair and said to him, "Go and sit down, Guth," but Guthrie sidled into him.

"I want to stand with you," he said. Brian studied him for a moment as though considering and then nodded, putting his arm around Guthrie and drawing him close.

"What´s the deal, why are you all acting though someone´s died?" Evan asked, a little impatiently.

Adam came and stood in front of all the couches. He seemed to be struggling a little for words and we watched him, breathlessly.

"Ok, gang. There´s no easy way to say this so I´m gonna just come out with it."

He took a deep breath. "You all know that mom and dad were killed when another driver fell asleep at the wheel and ran into them. The guy´s name was Gary Sykes and he was over the limit. You all were so little when it all happened that we kept it all from you, but he pleaded guilty to vehicular manslaughter while intoxicated and because he had other DUIs, it was charged as a felony and he was sentenced to six years."

There was silence in the room, you could have heard a pin drop. I didn´t really understand everything Adam was saying about charges but I got enough to know that he was talking about the man who had killed our parents.

Daniel shifted next to me and leaned forward. "Only six years?" he said. "But he killed two people... and now it´s been six years since they died, so are you saying…"

"Right," Adam said. "Gary Sykes was released from prison last month. He served his full sentence as he wasn´t eligible for parole."

"Why are you telling us this?" Evan asked in a clipped voice. His face looked completely closed up like it does when he´s really upset and is a step away from exploding.

"Because last week, John Atwood, our family lawyer, the one who helped Brian and me secure everything with the state for custody of you all after the accident, told us that Sykes has made a request. He wants to see us."

"What for?" Ford asked incredulously.

Adam sighed and ran a hand over his face, something he does when he´s tired or stressed.

"According to Atwood, he wants to say he´s sorry."

"Bull!" Evan said, standing up angrily and punching a fist into other hand. "He just wants to make himself feel better."

"Sit down, Evan," Adam said but Evan ignored him and started pacing.

"You can tell him to get stuffed, Adam," he said angrily.

"Brian and I told Atwood that none of us would be meeting him. We weren´t even going to tell you, but his daughter showed up at the house today."

"That Stacey woman is his daughter?" Ford asked.

Adam nodded. "Yes. Brian and I recognized her from the hearing even though it´s been a while."

"What if we want to meet him?" Daniel asked quietly next to me.

Evan turned on him. "What´s wrong with you, huh? He killed mom and dad!"

Daniel looked at him steadily. "I know that, Evan."

"So how can you want to meet him?" Evan demanded.

"I´m not saying I definitely do. I´m just asking."

Evan huffed in disgust. Brian who had been quiet all the time and who had been cuddling Guthrie close to him piped up.

"Adam and me have decided that we´re not going to be seeing him. And that´s final."

"That´s not fair, Brian, don´t we get a say in this?" Daniel said.

"No. Apart from Crane you´re all under 18, which means that Adam and I make the decisions for you which we think is best."

"That´s not fair! I´m not a little kid," Daniel said angrily, standing up and walking towards the staircase.

Adam caught his arm on the way and sort of turned him round to face him. He cupped Daniel´s face with one hand. "Try to understand, Danil. We´re just protecting you." But Daniel shook him off.

"I´ll see him if I want to," Daniel said, looking at Adam straight in the eyes defiantly.

"C´mon Daniel," Crane started, but Adam grabbed Daniel´s arm and said really sternly. "No. You won´t. We´re a family Daniel and we stick together on this. Do you hear me?"

There was a moment of silence while I held my breath. It just seemed like Daniel was going up against Adam more and more lately and I didn´t understand why. I really thought that Daniel was going to defy him further and my heart started hammering in my chest making me feel sort of faint. But after a moment, Daniel nodded at him and then Adam pulled him into his chest and kissed the top of his head. Daniel tolerated it but after a moment, he pulled away and walked up the stairs and into his room, slamming the door.

Adam hates slammed door, but this time, he ignored it. Crane got up. "I´ll go see if he´s ok," he said and followed Daniel´s path up the stairs and into their room. Evan grabbed his hat from the hook at the door.

"I´m goin´ riding," he said shortly and disappeared out the front door, letting the screen door slam behind him.

That only left Brian, Guthrie, me, Adam and Ford in the room now. Adam went to sit next to Ford on the couch and put his arm around him, pulling Ford to him and rubbing the back of Ford´s neck. He held out his other arm and said to me, "C´mere, Heidi." I went to him and he pulled me onto his lap hooking his arm around my waist to secure me there. Brian looped one arm around Guthrie´s front and used his other hand to rub Guthrie´s arm up and down. Guthrie had been silent the whole time and when I looked at him, his face was very pale and he looked a bit shell shocked.

"I understand that this news must be really upsetting for you," Adam said to us. "We wouldn´t have told you, but for Stacey showing up at the house today."

"She was kinda nice, Adam. She seemed sort of… sad," Ford said quietly.

"I know. She´s not a bad person and she´s suffered too. But she can´t be comin´ round here," Adam said.

"You kids are not to let another person in this house who we don´t know again," Brian repeated.

Adam looked at me and patted my back. "You ok?" he asked me.

"I think so," I said slowly.

"Anytime you want to talk about it, you come to me or Adam, ok?" Brian said.

I suddenly felt really claustrophobic, like I wanted to be on my own.

I wriggled free from Adam´s lap. "Adam, can I go up to my room now?" I asked.

"Sure. You´re sure you´re ok?" he asked me again.

I nodded. "Uh huh."

I walked slowly up the stairs, hearing Brian ask Ford and Guthrie if they wanted to come with him into Murphys. My head was spinning as I struggled to take in what Adam had told us. It was all too surreal and I didn´t know what to think or feel and I just needed some time to process it all. So I did what I normally do when things get too much. I lay down on my bed, cuddling my childhood stuffed toy to my chest and fell asleep.

/

I don´t know how long I slept but I was awoken by Guthrie shaking me.

"Wake up, Heidi. Adam says you´re to get ready coz we´re all going into Angels Camp for pizza."

I perked up. Being a big family, we didn´t often go out to eat because it was expensive so it was always a treat to go out. I got up and brushed my hair using a couple of clips to pin it back out my face and then I put on a clean T-shirt and went downstairs. Everybody was milling around, getting ready to go out but Daniel was pulling on his jacket and grumbling to Brian.

"I know what you´re doing. Trying to distract us and it´s not going to work," he said.

Brian raised an eyebrow. "Ever think it´s coz I don´t feel like cookin´ for once?" Brian said and Daniel muttered something and stalked out the door to the truck. Adam and Brian rode up front with Ford between them and the rest of us piled into the truck bed. Normally we would all be messing around and laughing in the back, but the mood was somber and none of us felt like it.

"C´mon guys, let´s see a smile at least," Crane said. Guthrie and I smiled at him but Daniel just watched the scenery whizz past and Evan crossed his arm stubbornly.

Once we got there though, we ended up having a good time. The pizza place is really huge and draws quite a crowd at the weekend of people of all ages. We ate loads of pizza and then ate ice cream for dessert. Crane offered to drive home so that Adam and Brian could have a few drinks, and I saw Brian especially physically unwind as he took sips of his beer. The pizza place has an arcade corner too and we all spent quite a bit of time there on the machines as Adam had given us some money to spend. Evan, Daniel and Ford saw a couple of kids from school there and hung out with them, and Crane entertained Guthrie and I. At one point, I wanted to go back to the table with Adam and Brian but Crane stopped me and told me to stay with him. When I looked around the corner, I saw that Adam and Brian were sitting with two pretty women and they were all laughing about something. When it was time to go home, Brian said he was staying out and Crane told Adam that he could get us all home and into bed if he wanted to stay out, but Adam opted to come home with us. He even sat in the truck bed with us while Crane and Daniel rode up front, and he played twenty questions with us, which is where one person has to think of a thing or person or animal and then everybody else asks yes or no questions to determine what it is. Adam didn´t normally have the patience to play that with us, but he seemed sort of relaxed tonight despite what he had told us that afternoon. I thought how fun Adam was when he could unwind and wasn´t pushed to his limit trying to take care of us all, and I thought about how nice it was that Crane was home. I wished that it could stay like that forever. But of course it couldn´t.


	12. Call me anytime

The next day passed in a blur and none of us spoke about what Adam had revealed the day before- or at least, no one spoke to me. To be honest, I kind of forgot about it and I think Guthrie did too because neither of us brought it up to the other. The day before, when Adam had told us, I didn´t know what I was meant to feel because I didn´t really feel anything about the news. My parents were almost these mythical specters to me: I didn´t have any memories of them and I was too young to remember the trauma of the accident and the aftermath, although most recently my therapist Julia discussed how growing up the way we did has subconsciously affected me. I was more bothered about the sadness and anger and pain that my brothers had displayed when Adam had sat us all down and told us. The night out had raised everyone´s spirits somewhat, but on the Sunday, Daniel, Evan and Ford were either brooding or in Evan´s case, short tempered. He snapped at everyone including Adam, Brian and even Crane. Normally Adam and Brian wouldn´t stand for churlishness directed towards them from any of us, but neither of them reacted to him- they just let him stalk off.

One thing that did happen on the Sunday was that Brian called me out for spilling what was going on with Daniel to Crane in my letter. Well maybe called out isn´t the right word- he was pretty nice about it. I tended to the chickens twice a day- in the morning before school and then in the afternoon when I got home. I would fill or refresh their feed dispensers and make sure they had fresh and clean water to drink. Once a week, on either a Saturday or a Sunday, I would clean out their coop and one of the boys, directed by Adam or Brian would normally help me although when I got older, I got to be doing it myself. I really loved those chickens. I had names for all of them, despite my older brothers telling me constantly that I shouldn´t name them because I would get too attached to them. A lot of people don´t know this but you can bond with chickens and they can be really loving and they have different personalities. Some are really snippy; some are spirited; some are friendly etc. My favorite chicken was called Polly- she was a hen and she would let me hold her and stroke her. Once, when I was holding her, Adam walked by and made me put her down, lecturing me that the chickens weren´t our pets and that I couldn´t get too attached to our livestock. When I was six, Guthrie and I had tried to save a couple of cows from being sold at auction because it broke my heart that they would end up as meat one day. I knew I would never let Polly end up on our plates and I continued to hold her.

Anyway, that´s where I was on Sunday afternoon, holding Polly to my chest and cooing to her, when I heard Brian´s voice.

"Haven´t we told you not to love on the chickens, Heidi?"

I turned around, Polly still in my arms and smiled guiltily at him. "But she likes it!"

Brian shook his head at me and then said, "Put her down and let´s go into the barn. I want to talk to you."

I looked at him in alarm. "Am I in trouble?" I asked, mentally combing through the past week and wracking my brain trying to think of any infraction I had committed.

Brian gave me an amused smile. "You know, you don´t always have to be in trouble any time I want to talk to you," he said.

"Seems that way to me!" I said.

Brian poked my stomach. "Well maybe you should start behavin´ yourself a bit more," he said, but the tone of his voice was light. "Come on."

He turned and started walking towards the barn. I returned Polly to the brood and followed Brian. There, he sat down on a stack of hale bales and I sat next to him, cross legged, facing him, looking at him expectantly.

Brian didn´t waste any time in getting started.

"Heidi, I know that you sent Crane a letter telling him everythin´ that´s goin´ on here, with Daniel."

I immediately opened my mouth to offer a defense but Brian preempted me and held up his hand to stop me. "I´m not mad at you; neither is Adam, but I do want to talk to you some about it."

I studied his face- he didn´t look mad at all and anyway, Brian isn´t someone to mince his words or waste time. If he´s mad at you, you´ll know about it.

"I was just worried about Daniel. Because he seemed so sad and he doesn't talk to any of us anymore. And then he came home drunk and he misses Crane so I thought Crane could help…" I said, trailing off.

Brian looked at me really intently. "I understand why you did it. I do. But I want to say a coupla things to you and I want you to consider them, ok?"

I nodded. "Uh huh."

"Danil does miss Crane when he´s not here and he´s goin´ through a hard time right now. But it´s not all about Crane: it´s about his age and about startin´ high school and some other things too. But Crane is at college and college is meant to be a time when you get to live for yourself."

"Okay…" I said, not really understanding where Brian was going with this.

"The thing is, that we can´t go runnin´ to Crane to fix things when he´s there, because as you´ve seen, he´ll come immediately and he´ll miss out on classes and other experiences there."

"But he has Monday and Tuesday off class!" I protested.

"He doesn´t, Heidi. He just said that to get us all to be ok that he´s come back and is missing school."

"Oh…," I said, considering this news. I instantly felt bad and I think that Brian could see it from my face because he put his hand on my knee.

"I guess what I´m trying to say, is that in the future, if you´re worried about somethin´ or someone, then you need to come to Adam or me if Crane isn´t here. I´m not sayin´ you can´t tell Crane everythin´ that´s happenin´ with you, but when it comes to others, you need to keep your little nose out," he said, tapping my nose.

I was quiet and I looked down.

"Do you understand why I´m sayin´ this to you?" he asked me, using the crook of his index finger to gently nudge my chin up so I could look at him.

"Yes," I said, and I did. But I felt a bit frustrated. "No one tells me anything," I burst out.

Brian´s brow wrinkled in confusion. "What do you mean?" he said.

"Everyone just tells me not to worry, or that things will be ok," I said, petulantly. "They don´t really tell me anything."

I thought Brian might start to get angry at my tone of voice but he didn´t.

"Heidi, do you trust Adam and me?" he asked, quietly.

My eyes, which had been looking down while I played with the ends of the laces on my sneakers snapped up to meet Brian´s eyes.

"Of course I do!" I said and I did. I trusted Adam and Brian more than anything.

"Well trusting us means that you have faith that we can take care of you and the others and that we won´t let anything bad happen to you. So, when we tell you not to worry, it´s because you´re a kid and we want you to get to be a kid. Kids don´t have to worry about grownup stuff because the grownups do it for them."

"Okay," I said quietly, processing what he was saying. I wasn´t happy about it but I did understand it.

"So do we have an agreement, then?" he asked me. "You´ll come to Adam or me if somethin´s troublin´ you?"

I nodded and held out my pinky. "I pinky promise," I said, and Brian laughed as he hooked his pinky with mine and then gently brushed my bangs out my eyes.

"You need a haircut," he said.

I perked up a little. "Olivia told me her sister gets to dye her hair blonde. Can I dye my hair?"

Brian rolled his eyes. "No, Heidi."

/

None of us younger kids wanted to go to school on Monday because we wanted to spend time with Crane as he would be leaving on the Tuesday to go back to college. We grumbled and complained about it, but Adam wouldn´t budge on his decree that we all had to go to school anyway, and that we could see Crane in the evening. Brian was silent and I wondered why. Normally if he didn´t say anything it was because he didn´t agree with Adam´s actions, but he would never undermine him in front of us.

On Monday evening, I overheard a conversation between Adam, Brian and Crane in the kitchen about Daniel. I wasn´t eavesdropping- all of them knew I was coloring in the living room because they had seen me as they entered together through the front door, and they made no attempt to keep their voices down. Crane wanted to take Daniel with him back to college for the rest of the week and send him back on the bus on the Sunday, but Adam wasn´t buying the idea.

"Adam, it will be good for him," I heard Crane say. "I think if he sees where I am, what my dorms are like and what I do every day, it´ll give him something to picture, make him feel like he´s in the loop," I heard Crane say.

"And what´ll he do when you´re in class?" Adam asked, impatiently.

"He can hang out!" Crane said.

"Look, buddy, I get what you´re tryin´ to do," Adam said, "But Daniel´s barely a few weeks into high school and I don´t want him missin´ any more days. He needs to get used to the new normal which is you not here."

"But he´s not gettin´ used to it. The kid´s all torn up inside, especially now with the news about Sykes," Crane said, his tone sounding frustrated.

"Adam, I don´t think it´s such a bad idea," Brian interjected.

"No, Crane. I really do understand how you feel, but you gotta let Brian and I make things ok for Daniel here. You´re going to be there for four years. You can´t hop on a bus back here whenever somethin´ goes on." Adam said firmly and when Brian and Crane started both talking at once, I heard him say, "End of discussion guys. My mind´s made up. We can send him later in the term for a weekend."

Their voices dissipated as they left the house through the back door.

Even at my young age, I had enough sense to know not to relay this conversation to Daniel. He would desperately want to go back with Crane and when he discovered that Adam wouldn´t let him, he would cause an almighty fuss and end up in trouble. There was enough angst around here without adding any more to the mix.

/

Saying goodbye to Crane on Tuesday morning was again difficult and again there were lots of tears from us younger kids. Daniel didn´t cry but I could see he wanted to. School was a welcome distraction and that day, Olivia told me that her mom was taking her to the mall at the weekend to get her ears pierced and asked if I wanted to come with them. She said her mom was taking her for lunch first at an Italian restaurant and that her mom had told her she could invite me if she wanted. I thought it sounded really exciting and could barely concentrate on my work that day and was scolded a couple of times from the teacher, Mrs Whitby, for not paying attention.

When I asked Adam that evening if I could go with Olivia and her mother at the weekend, there was something inside me that made me hold back the information that this was an ear-piercing outing. I knew he would still let me go, but he would just remind me that I wasn´t to get my own done. But the words just felt like they were sticking in my chest and even though my brain was telling me it wasn´t a big deal and to just say the words, they got stuck in my chest and I didn´t.

/

Olivia´s and her mom picked me up from the ranch late morning on Saturday. Olivia´s mom´s name was Violet. When I had first met her, a few weeks ago, I had called her by her full name, Mrs Bradshaw, because that´s what I had been brought up to do when I didn´t know someone well. But Violet had let out a peal of laughter and told me I must call her by her first name.

I was ready and waiting at the window and so when they pulled up, I ran straight out to their shiny black car. Violet didn´t get out the car because she had already met Adam and Brian and it was already arranged that she would drop me off late afternoon back at the ranch. Inside the car was immaculate, worlds apart from the inside of our truck, although my brothers kept the inside of the jeep pretty clean. Violet´s car had leather seats and sort of a leathery smell which in all honesty gave me a bit of a headache. I was glad when we arrived at the restaurant in Sonora and I could breathe some fresh air.

The restaurant was called Gianni´s and it was posher than the places I went to with my family. All the tables had cloth napkins and more than one set of cutlery and even wine glasses on the table. The host showed us to our table, and I was busy studying my menu when I heard a familiar voice asking us if we wanted to order any drinks.

When I looked up at the server, having decided to order a lemonade, I got a shock. Stacey Sykes was staring back at me complete with her long red talons and the server´s order pad in her hands. She was wearing quite heavy makeup and really pink lipstick with sort of darker lip liner on the outside of her lips. There was a brief moment where it registered with her who I was and then I could tell from her facial expression that she recognized me too. We looked at each other for a long moment and I wondered if she would acknowledge me, but she didn´t. She turned to Violet and smiled brightly at her, taking her order of sparkling water, and then she took my order of a lemonade and Olivia´s order of a coke.

I didn´t really know what I felt. It wasn´t horrible to see Stacey again but it was sort of weird, knowing who she was and all. I knew I shouldn´t want anything to do with her. And yet I felt really curious about her for some reason. I tried really hard to concentrate on what was going on around me during the lunch and I think I did a pretty good job because neither Olivia nor her mother noticed anything was wrong. Well, they didn´t say anything if they did. Olivia and I both ordered a pizza and Violet ordered a salad. We poured our soft drinks into our wine glasses so we could drink out of them which was fun. We talked about all sorts of things over lunch: school, hobbies and then Violet asked me lots of questions about the ranch and about my brothers. It seemed to fascinate her how many of us there was.

"Eight children!" she mused. "Your mother must have been quite a woman!"

I nodded sagely though in all honesty, I didn´t really understand what she meant by that comment.

When Stacey brought our drinks and then later our food, she acted like I was any other customer. She was friendly and accommodating but not overly familiar or anything. But later, when I went to the bathroom on my own, I ran into her as I was coming out one of the stalls. It looked like she was waiting for me.

"Hi, Heidi," she said quietly.

"Hello," I said.

Stacey wrung her hands. "How are you?"

"Fine."

I wondered where this stilted conversation was going and I was feeling a bit uncomfortable so I made to wash my hands and she watched me.

"I´d better go back to the table now," I told her, moving towards the door.

"Do you know who I really am now?" she said, quickly, before I could reach it.

I turned to look at her and nodded silently.

"Okay. Well, I´ll leave you alone," she said.

I gave her a polite smile and was pulling the door open by its handle, when she said, "Wait."

I took my hand off the door handle and moved back from the door slightly in case anyone else wanted to come in.

She quickly scrawled something onto a piece of paper on her serving pad and then tore it off, shoving it into my hand. Then, she rushed past me, out the door and into the restaurant.

I looked down at the piece of paper which was crumpled into my hand. On it there was a phone number and one line which read, "Call me anytime."


	13. The gold studs

For a couple of moments, I just stared, shocked, at the piece of paper with the number and the note that Stacey had pressed into my hand, and then then I came to my senses and remembered where I was. I felt like crying. I couldn´t tell Olivia and her mother about what had happened- well, I could, but Olivia and I had only been friends for a few weeks, so I still didn´t feel comfortable baring my soul to her. Even though I was young, I knew that what Stacey had done was inappropriate and I knew that if I told Violet what had happened, she would most likely tell the manager and Stacey would get into trouble. And weird as this sounds, I didn´t want Stacey to get in trouble. I knew I should feel some sort of anger towards her and her family because of what her father had done to our family, but I didn´t. There was something desperate about her which made me feel sort of sad for her. And judging by my brothers´ reactions, I figured I should feel livid with her father- Gary Sykes, but again, I didn´t. I just felt curious about him.

I shoved the note into one of the back pockets in my jeans, thinking that I would think about it properly when I got home and went back out to the restaurant to finish lunch. When Stacey came with the check, I couldn´t meet her eye. The note felt like it was burning a hole in my back pocket. As we were walking to the car, Olivia ran up ahead to open the car up and Violet and I tailed behind her slightly. Violet caught hold of my arm.

"You ok, Heidi?" she said to me, looking concerned. "You´ve been quiet since you came back from the bathroom. Are you feeling ill?"

I hadn´t realized I was being so obvious but I´ve never been so good at hiding my feelings. Still, I didn´t want to ruin the day, so I smiled up at her. "I´m fine, Violet. Thank you for lunch."

Violet drove us to the mall and we walked around the shops together for a while, window shopping. I found I really enjoyed window shopping and looking at all the different clothes and colors. It´s something Hannah and I enjoy doing together these days, but at that time, it was something in which I was wholly inexperienced.

It was midway through the afternoon when Violet led us into the department store which offered an ear-piercing service. Olivia had been talking about it all through lunch and early afternoon, chattering about which starter earrings she was going to get and asking her mother and me if we thought she should get gold balls or stars or even triangles. Over the course of the day, it had become clear to me that Violet and Olivia were under the impression that I was also getting them done, and I had given them no reason to dissuade them of this notion. I think it was because I wanted them done so badly that I just couldn´t bring myself to tell them that my brothers wouldn´t let me because it just felt too disappointing. At that moment, I wasn´t really thinking about the consequences: it´s kind of been an issue with me throughout my life- lack of consequential thinking although I think I´m getting better as I get older.

It was really only after Olivia had gotten hers done- she had decided on gold stars as her starter earrings- that I had to make my decision. In the back of my head, I knew what I was doing was wrong because it was directly disobeying what both Adam and Brian had told me quite a few times, and therefore there was no excuse for my actions, but you know when you want something so badly that it´s like you´ll do anything to get it? It was like that.

"Heidi, honey, do you want to choose a pair of starter studs?" Violet asked me.

I hesitated, my heart beating wildly and thoughts rushing through my brain, but it was like I was propelled forward by adrenaline. Before I really knew what I was doing, I had chosen a pair of sturdy gold balls and was sitting in the piercing chair, being surveyed by Violet and an excited Olivia while the technician rubbed my ears with an antiseptic solution before holding the piercing gun to one ear and then the other. When it happened, it didn´t hurt as much as I had thought it would- it was just like a really hard pinch in both ears. Afterwards, both Olivia and I admired our new look in the full-length mirror. I fancied that it made me look older, more sophisticated in a way. After, the technician showed us how to clean our ears with an antiseptic solution and instructed us to do it morning and evening for six weeks, warning that it was really important to avoid infection. While Violet was paying, we looked at the cases of earrings on display, prattling about which ones we wanted to wear once the six-week period was over and we could replace them.

It was only in the car ride home that dread really started to set in when Violet said innocently to me, "Heidi, do you think either of your big brothers will be around when we get home? I´d like to just have a word with them about the cleaning regime for your ears- make sure they know what to do, how important it is."

My ears had started to throb; it was almost like I could hear my own heartbeat in the lobes of my ears. There were butterflies- no- more like monsters in the pit of my stomach as it really dawned on me what I had done and the consequences I was likely to face at home. Up until that moment, I wasn´t prone to directly disobeying so much really- that was mostly Daniel and Evan´s department. A flush of cold fear washed over me when I thought about how Adam and Brian were likely to react. Mad would be the understatement of the century. And Violet! She would think I was a huge liar, which let´s face it- I was at that moment, and she might not want Olivia to hang out with me anymore.

"Uh, I don´t think so, Violet," I said, hoping that I didn´t sound too nervous and praying fervently that neither one of them were around at the house when we got to the ranch.

"I can wait a while," Violet offered then.

I thought quickly. "No, don´t worry Violet. I completely understood what I´m meant to do and the guys normally use Saturday afternoon to go further up on our land and get work done up there," I said, trusting that Violet knew nothing about ranching and would take my excuse at face value.

It worked. Violet said something about having my brothers call her if there was a problem and she could explain things to them.

It seemed that someone up above was on my side that afternoon, because there was no one around as Violet pulled up at the house. I thanked her for lunch again and for the afternoon and then quickly tumbled out of the car, hoping that she would drive away as quickly as possible.

Once inside the house, which was quiet and empty, I went straight up to the bathroom and shut the door. I looked in the mirror again to inspect my ears. My earlobes had turned an angry red color and when I reached up to finger the gold studs, my ears were hot to the touch. I knew then and there in the cold light of day, away from the excitement of being in the department store and with Olivia, that I had to take them out. I really didn´t want a spanking, and I knew that if my brothers saw me sauntering round the house with earrings after they had specifically forbidden me from getting them, I would be dealt with swiftly and firmly. But as I tugged and pulled at the back of the studs, they just wouldn´t come out. My earlobes were so swollen that even when I pushed the earring forward, I couldn´t really see the bar and the safety catch wouldn´t budge at the back. After half an hour of pulling and tugging, the catch was still implacably stuck.

I thought quickly though my options. Crane was away so he was out, and Ford and Guthrie would be sympathetic but useless in a situation like this. Evan was a possibility if I could find him, and he would help me, I knew. But he would also laugh at me probably and tease me and I had never been less in the mood for being the butt of Evan´s jokes. That only left Daniel, who in days gone by was my go to person anyway, but I knew that he was feeling sensitive, especially since Crane had left again. Still, I knew that Daniel would help me if he could, and he would be nice about it too.

I took off my hairband which was holding my hair back, away from my eyes and let my hair fall loose over my shoulders so that it covered my ears and went in search of Daniel. He wasn´t in his room, or in the barn though predictably, that´s where I found Evan working with Diablo. He was obsessed with that horse from the moment he had got him.

"Ev, where´s Daniel," I said quickly, without greeting him properly.

Evan barely looked at me from where he was grooming Diablo with a dandy brush. "Out."

My heart started hammering at the horror of Evan´s words. "Out where?!" I demanded.

Evan turned around to look at me. "I dunno. He´s out with friends, I think. Ask Adam or Brian," he said.

"Do you know when he´ll be back," I asked.

"I think before supper. He´s still on strict curfew after coming back sloshed."

My face must have betrayed my panic because he stopped what he was doing completely then and looked at me properly. "Hey, you ok?" he asked me, looking concerned.

I looked at him, panic stricken and paralyzed for a moment and then I burst out, "No! Oh Ev, I really need your help; I´ve done something really dumb and Adam and Brian will kill me if they find out."

Evan put down the dandy brush so give me his full attention. "How dumb? Dumb like that time you tried to keep those chicks in a box in your bedroom?"

"Way worse," I said and pulled my hair back dramatically to show him my ears. "I got my ears pierced this afternoon with Olivia after the guys told me I couldn´t get them done, and I´ve tried to take them out, but they´re stuck!" I was almost shrieking at this point.

Evan pushed my hair back further to get a proper look and then, predictably, he laughed and shook his head. "You´re right, little sister. You´re dead. Well, your butt is anyway."

"It´s not funny, Ev!" I said, wishing at that moment that it was Daniel in front of me instead. "I need your help!"

Evan looked at me like I was crazy. "What do you want me to do about it?"

"Help me get them out!"

"But if you´ve tried already, what makes you think I can get them out?"

"You´re stronger than I am," I pointed out.

Evan stepped closer to me and gently reached out to touch my left ear.

"Sure is red," he said. I huffed impatiently.

Evan held the front of the earring between his index finger and thumb and then twisted the back pulling hard. It really hurt but I bit back complaints because he was helping me and I just really wanted them out now as soon as possible. It still wouldn´t budge.

"Damn thing is jammed on tight," he said to me before trying the same thing with the other ear. His fingers kept slipping though, and he couldn´t get a good hold on it.

"My fingers are too chunky," he complained. Even at 13, Evan had a somewhat muscular build.

"Keep trying," I said, desperately.

Evan continued to pull and tug and by that point I was ready to scream, both with the pain and with impatience and fear of impending doom. My ears felt like they were on fire.

"It´s no good," Evan said, throwing up his hands in defeat. You´ll just have to tell the guys and take what´s coming to you."

"I don´t want a spanking," I moaned at him.

He shrugged. "Well I don´t know what to tell ya. They won´t come out."

I sighed, thinking of my next move. "You won´t tell, will you?" I asked him.

Evan picked up the dandy brush and went back to grooming Diablo. "I won´t tell. But you better think of something quick, coz whoever sees you to bed tonight is gonna notice your ears are brighter than a fire truck.

/

I spent the rest of the afternoon in a frenzied state of anxiety, trying many times to loosen the earrings and pull them out but to no avail. I was still wearing my hair down over my ears which I hoped no one would comment on as I hated my hair to be in face and I normally wore a hairband to keep it back. But no one seemed to notice. When they came back into the house, both Adam and Brian asked me if I had enjoyed myself and what we had done that afternoon. I tried to be as vague as possible without raising suspicion. As Evan came inside to wash up for supper, he raised his eyebrows at me as if to ask me if I had been successful and I gave him a slight shake of my head. He gave me a sympathetic smile.

Daniel arrived home just as we were all sitting down to supper. He rushed through the back door and slipped into his seat. Adam purposefully looked at his watch.

"You made it by the skin of your teeth," Adam said, though he didn´t sound mad.

Daniel shrugged and smiled impishly. It was a flash of the old Daniel and it made me happy momentarily before the weight of my predicament came flooding back to me.

After supper, it was my turn to wash the dishes with Adam. Normally, I loved having time alone with Adam, even if it meant washing dishes because his attention was on me fully, but this time I dreaded it in case he caught a flash of the gold studs burning a hole in my ear. We cleared the table and then Adam washed and I dried. The kitchen had emptied. I was quiet as I dried, not wanting to draw any attention to myself except that this was unusual behavior for me as commonly when I washed dishes with Adam, I talked his ear off.

"You were very quiet at supper and you didn´t eat much. You okay?" Adam said to me as he handed me a plate.

"Uh huh," I said as I focused on drying the plate with the dishtowel.

"Did somethin´ happen this afternoon while you were out with Olivia?"

I shook my head. "No, Adam. It was fun."

"Huh," he said.

There was a brief moment of silence and then Adam said, "You know you can talk to me if somethin´s worryin´ you."

My tummy dropped a bit. Adam was being so nice to me because he thought that something was really bothering me. Little did he know that the thing that was weighing me down was the thing he had expressly told me not to do.

"I know, Adam," I said softly. "I´m fine though."

Adam dried his hands off on a dish towel and then reached out to run his hand over my hair which is his primary way of showing affection, but because I didn´t want him to mess up my hair and perhaps get a glimpse of my ears, I pulled back and then slipped round him, grabbing some cutlery to put it away in a drawer. When I turned back around, Adam was looking at me, puzzled, but he didn´t say anything, and we went back to washing the dishes.

/

Usually on a Saturday night, Guthrie and I got to stay up an hour later rather than being packed off to bed fairly early. That evening, I was mightily grateful for the extra time before bedtime because it gave me more time to try to deal with the jam I was in. Daniel was choosing to spend more and more time in his room, away from the rest of the family and so after washing dishes, I escaped upstairs while the rest of the family milled around in the living room and kitchen. I knocked softly on Daniel´s door and then slipped in.

Daniel was laying on his bed, with his headphones on, listening to his walkman. When he saw me, he sat up and slipped his headphones off his ears.

"What´s up, Heidi? What do you want?" he asked me, although his tone wasn´t unkind or impatient.

"I need your help, Danny," I said softly and then I filled him in on my afternoon escapades finishing with, "And it´s only a couple of hours until bedtime and I´ll be in so much trouble if they find out."

Daniel looked at me sympathetically and then patted the spot next to him on the bed and said, "Come over here so I can see properly."

I went to sit next to him on the bed. He gently examined my ears, twirling the studs gently and turning my earlobes over to examine the backs.

"Your ears are pretty swollen, but just grit your teeth. I think I can get them out," he said. He gripped hold of the front of one of the studs and then gently twisted it clockwise while turning the back anti clockwise. It hurt, but nowhere near as badly as when I had tried myself, or when Evan had tried. It didn´t take long before Daniel had unscrewed the back of one and gently removed it from my left ear before he did the right one.

I breathed a sigh of relief once they were both out. Daniel held both the studs in the palm of his hand out to me. I took them from him and slipped them into one of my pockets.

"You better make sure you use some antiseptic cream on your ears the next few days: they look pretty brutal," he said to me.

"Thank you, Daniel. You saved me," I said, throwing my arms around his neck and hugging him. He hugged me back and said in my ear, "Any time little sister."

"I´ll leave you alone now," I said, getting up from the bed.

Daniel caught my arm. "No, don´t. Stay a while. Tell me about your day."

I looked at him in surprise- it had been a while since Daniel had wanted to talk or hang out with me and it filled me with pleasure. I told Daniel about what had happened with Stacey at lunchtime, and then I showed him the note she had given me. He took it from me and seemed to study it intently.

"Shall I give it to Adam?" I asked him.

"No," Daniel said quickly. I looked at him quizzically. "I mean, I just don´t think it´s worth stirring anything up. I´ll throw it away for you."

"Okay."

There was a lull in our conversation then I said, "What do you think he looks like?"

"Who?" Daniel asked.

"Gary Sykes."

"I dunno, Heidi. Why´d you ask?"

I shrugged. "Just curious I guess."


	14. Just not fair

Daniel seemed to take pity on me for my situation, even though it was own doing, and he let me hang out in his room for a while. It´s one of the things I love most about him- his ability to empathize with someone else´s situation Crane is like that too, which is why I guess the two of them are so close, still to this day. At one point, he even went to the bathroom, retrieving the antiseptic cream from the cabinet and generously applying some to my scorched ears. We didn´t really talk about Gary Sykes after I gave him the note with Stacey´s number on it and asked him what he thought that the man who had killed our parents looked like. Instead, Daniel let me listen to the music he had been listening to- Willie Nelson- and he even told me a few stories about high school. It was nice, just sitting there on his bed, chatting and spending time with him.

As the hands on the clock edged ever closer to my bedtime, Daniel said quietly to me, "What you going to do at bedtime? About your ears?"

The two of us were lying on our backs on Daniel´s bed, side by side. I turned my head to look at him. "What do you mean?"

Daniel sat up slightly, leaning back on his forearms so he could see me. "Well, what if your hair falls back, away from your face when you´re laying down?"

"I´ll lie on my side, then," I said, more confidently than I felt.

Daniel chuckled softly. "Your ears look like a piece of meat. I doubt you´ll be able to sleep on them for a good coupla nights."

"Well, maybe I can bear it until whoever reads to us tonight leaves the room," I said, the butterflies having been awoken again in my lower tummy.

Daniel sat up properly now so that he was looking down at me. "You want my advice?" he said.

I shrugged at him, letting him know that I didn´t particularly want it but he continued anyway. "I think you should just come clean and tell them."

"But they´ll be so mad at me," I said softly.

"Probably," Daniel said. "But you´ll be punished, and then it will be over. Take it from someone who´s been in trouble way more times than you. They mostly always find out what you´ve done. And yea, punishment sucks, especially a tannin´, but once it´s done, it´s done. You know that."

My face must have given away how I felt about what he had just said because he smiled sympathetically at me. "Course, it´s easier to say when it´s not your butt on the line," he said.

"No kidding," I said.

I had heard him, but self-preservation is a strong instinct and naively, I still thought that I could get away unscathed.

/

It was Brian who came up to read to us that night. I normally loved our bedtime routine, someone coming to read to us and tuck us in: it made me feel safe and loved. But that night, for the first time in my life, I wished that we could be left alone. My hair is quite thick and it falls to my shoulders, so I had brushed it out and laid down in bed, on my back, arranging my hair to cover my ears. I had tried to lay on my side, but as Daniel had predicted, it was too painful- the throbbing in my ears reaching a crescendo when I put pressure on it.

The fact that I was already settled in bed, when normally I had to be ordered there firmly, did not escape Brian´s notice when he came into the room behind Guthrie.

"Good lord, this must be a first! Heidi McFadden tucked up in bed without being hustled there," he said, smiling teasingly.

I smiled back. "Very funny. I´m just tired I guess," I said, hoping my voice sounded light.

"Hmm," said Brian, prying Guthrie away from fiddling with a Lego model on our dresser, and gently pushing him into bed.

I was grateful that it was Guthrie´s turn to be sat next to that night. He seemed a bit out of sorts- burying his face in Brian´s chest. Brian rubbed the back of Guthrie´s head and neck soothingly. When he had finished the chapter, he said quietly to Guthrie, "You ok, buddy?"

Guthrie nodded. "Uh huh."

Brian put a hand on Guthrie´s forehead to check for a fever but Guthrie must have felt fine because then Brian got up from Guthrie´s bed. He leaned down and smoothed Guthrie´s hair back, kissing him on the forehead. "G´night partner."

"Night, Bri."

Brian crossed to my bed, pulling the covers up over me further before planting a kiss on my forehead. I lay stiffly, too scared to move in case my carefully arranged hair moved out of place. Brian looked at me strangely but only said, "G´night baby."

"Night," I echoed.

Brian turned off our night lights and then left the room. Sometimes, actually quite a lot of the time, Guthrie and I talked a bit after lights out until one of us would inevitably quieten first and then fall asleep. That night, Guthrie was out like a light almost the minute that Brian left the room, and I, being exhausted from a day of deception, passed out almost immediately too.

/

When we were little, Guthrie used to have terrible nightmares. He got them a fair bit when we were really young, and at 8, he still had them every few months. He seems to have grown out of them now, in fact he hasn´t had one since before Adam married Hannah. He could never remember, after he had woken up, what had terrified him to the point of screaming, but he would be completely distraught and it took a while to calm him down.

There´s no warning really: it´s not like some people who moan or cry quietly before the nightmare takes hold of them. Guthrie could be quiet one minute and the next he would be screaming as though he was being murdered, his arms and legs flailing. He would yell things as well, but they were mostly gibberish or incoherent.

That night, Guthrie´s shrieks of terror pierced the air and woke me with a start. His limbs were thrashing around uncontrollably and he was crying in between yelling. Although I was disoriented from having been jolted awake, instinct kicked in and I sprang out of bed, rushing over to Guthrie´s bed to try to wake him up and relieve him from his dream. I shook him, yelling for him to wake up, but he was dreaming too deeply. With his arms and legs still whirling in the air, as if to fight off an imaginary demon, his fist connected powerfully with my cheek, knocking me backwards slightly. It hurt, but because I was full of adrenaline, I didn´t feel it so badly, and I kept shaking him shouting for him to wake up.

Suddenly, the light in our room came on, and I heard a voice behind me say, "Heidi!". I felt an arm around my waist and I was pulled backwards, feet off the ground, away from Guthrie, and connecting with a firm body behind me. Adam was now by Guthrie´s side, and it took me a few seconds to recognize that the person who had pulled me away and who was holding me back was Brian. He set me on my feet but kept his arm around my upper chest so that I couldn´t rush to Guthrie´s aid again.

Adam, experienced in dealing with Guthrie´s nightmares, gently caught Guthrie´s arms, one in each hand, and pulled him up to a sitting position. He pulled Guthrie´s back to his chest, holding his arms down, not harshly or anything, but enough that he couldn´t hit out anymore. He spoke softly in Guthrie´s ear, telling him to wake up, repeating things along the line of, "Wake up, Guth, Adam´s here. You´re ok. You´re safe," until Guthrie came around, out of his nightmare. Like all the other times Guthrie had had a nightmare, he cried hysterically and uncontrollably upon awakening. Adam turned him round so that he could hug Guthrie properly now. Guthrie clung to him, like a much smaller child, wailing with abandon into Adam´s T-shirt. Adam rocked him slightly and rubbed his back and whispered comfort into his ear.

Seeing that Guthrie had woken up and was being taken care of, I relaxed into Brian behind me. One of Brian´s arms was still around my chest, and he used his other hand to smooth back my hair.

"Adam, maybe you´d better…" he said to Adam. Adam looked at him and seemed to understand what he meant.

"Yea," he said. He stood up with Guthrie still in his arms. Guthrie wrapped his legs around Adam´s waist, still clinging to him like a monkey. He continued to cry into Adam´s shoulder although his wails weren´t as loud now.

Adam carried Guthrie to the door, presumably to take him into he and Brian´s room. Brian loosened his arms around me and I turned to see Adam talking quietly to Daniel, Evan and Ford, who were crowded quietly, huddled together at the door of our bedroom in their pajamas, bleary eyed and disoriented looking.

Brian walked over to the remainder of my brothers, who were still hanging around, and said, "Back to bed guys; Guthrie´ll be fine. Adam´s got him now." He ushered them out the room and followed them, probably just to see them into their rooms.

My heart was hammering in my chest and I felt shaky. Even though I knew Guthrie was never in any real danger, when you´re suddenly awoken by screams, it´s not a pleasant or calming experience. My cheek was really starting to hurt- Guthrie had clocked me good. Combined with the dull pain in my ears, I was feeling really battered.

I climbed back into bed just as Brian came back into my room as I knew he would, just to check that I was okay. He sat down at the edge of my bed and smiled tiredly at me.

"Pretty scary, huh? You okay?"

I lay down properly and looked up at him. "Uh huh."

He touched my cheek lightly though his fingers felt abrasive against my skin. "What happened to your cheek?"

"Guthrie hit me when I was trying to wake him up."

Brian turned my face to the side so he could look at it properly in the light. "Looks like it´s swellin´ pretty good. I´ll go get you some ice for it."

He left my room again and returned a couple of minutes later with an ice pack which he gave to me and told me to hold it against my cheek. The cold felt soothing against my skin and I wished I could hold them up to my ears.

Maybe it was delayed emotion from the shock of being awoken so unpleasantly, but I suddenly felt exhausted and tearful about the predicament with my ears. I knew I would get into trouble but I just wanted to stop worrying about being found out. I started to well up a bit. Brian, thinking I was crying about my cheek, pulled me into a hug and I savoured the feeling of his arms around me comforting me, knowing that his reaction towards me was going to change when he found out what I had done.

"Bri, I have to tell you something," I said into his chest, while his arms were still around me.

Brian pulled back and let me go. He looked at me expectantly. "What´s that then?"

I took a deep breath. "Yesterday, when I went out with Olivia and her mom to the mall, I got my ears pierced."

I watched as a cloud passed over Brian´s face and I hurried to finish saying quickly, "But then when I got home, I knew what I had done was wrong, so I took them out. They´re out now, see?" I pushed my hair back so he could see that my ears no longer held the offending gold studs.

Brian reached out to touch one of my ears and then the other. "They look pretty raw. Do they hurt?" he asked me.

"The left one is okay, but the right one is really painful," I said as I fingered my right ear lobe. The pain was really sharp and was spreading to the side of my head.

For the third time, Brian left my room but this time he didn´t tell me where he was going. He came back a couple of minutes later armed with some bottles and cream. He was silent while he put some saline solution on a cotton pad and dabbed it against my ear, using a different pad for each ear so as not to spread any infection. Then he applied a liberal amount of antibiotic ointment to my ears. I was also silent, not wanting to inflame his anger.

When he was done, he put everything down on my bedside table and then he took the ice pack from me and put it down on the table too. He pinned me with a hard look.

"Why have you chosen to tell me this information in the middle of the night, rather than yesterday or last night? he asked me in a steely tone.

I shuffled back against my headboard, away from Brian´s radiating irritation. He wasn´t livid or anything, but I could definitely feel his displeasure with me. "I didn´t want to get into trouble," I admitted in a small voice.

"But why tell me now, this minute?" Brian said.

I shrugged, even though I know it´s something that Brian finds maddening. I sneaked a look up at him and saw that he was still fixing me with the same stern look.

"Are you really mad at me?" I asked hesitantly.

"I´m very unhappy with you, yes. And I can´t imagine Adam is going to be thrilled either," Brian said.

My tummy clenched a bit. "Do you have to tell him?" I asked, giving him a pleading look. "Couldn´t you just punish me?" Although Brian was more unpredictable than Adam, and could go from calm to furious in a matter of minutes, Adam was the one who hated direct disobedience from any of us even more. Brian raised an eyebrow at me. "Don´t you think you´ve done enough lying for one 24 hour period?"

I felt my face grow warm and he continued sternly, "Yes, he has to know. But it´s the middle of the night just now; I want some shut eye and I want you to go back to sleep too."

"But I won´t be able to sleep knowing you´re mad at me!" I said, desperately.

"Then lay and rest. Anyway, you always say that and then 5 minutes later you´re conked out.

I gave him my most piteous look, but he ignored it and told me to lay back down. He pulled the covers over me and turned off my night lamp leaving the room and saying, "We´ll talk about it tomorrow." Maybe because I was feeling so sensitive, his words sounded ominous.

/

Like Brian had predicted, I did fall asleep. When I awoke the next morning, it was to the sound of Daniel and Evan roughhousing in the hallway outside my room. From what I could hear, Daniel was sitting on Evan and Evan was calling him all sorts of unsavory names and yelling at Daniel to let him up.

My middle of the night confession to Brian came rushing back, making my heart sink. I pulled my pillow over my head and buried deeper into the covers, wishing that I could wind back time. Brian had caught me when I was at my most vulnerable and tired in the middle of the night. I had a feeling of what awaited me and I wasn´t looking forward to facing him and Adam. I suddenly felt very sorry for myself. I knew I was wrong to go against my brothers and get my ears pierced but I´d taken them out straight after, so it´s not like I was blatantly walking around the house defying them. And then I started thinking about how unfair it was that I hadn´t been allowed to get them done in the first place. What was the big deal? Olivia´s mom thought it was alright so why were my brothers so against it? The more I thought about it, the more mutinous I became.

I pulled the covers up over my head so that I was cocooned. Presently, I heard Ford´s voice, telling me to come down for breakfast.

"I don´t want any," I told him from under my nest.

"How come?" I heard him ask. The covers were flung back away from me, and I saw Ford staring down at me.

"I´m not hungry, Ford," I said moodily. "Just leave me alone."

Ford shrugged and left my room and I pulled the covers back up over my head. I lay face down cuddling Rocket, my favourite stuffed animal to me. My cheek hurt and my ears hurt and I was tired. It just wasn´t fair!


	15. The die is cast

**Thanks to everyone for the reviews and the follows etc. It´s so gratifying as a writer to have feedback. I do have a narrative arc in mind for this story continuing when Heidi is 8 and then flashing forward to her as a teenager. For now, brace yourselves- Heidi is going through a rough patch.**

It was only a few moments later when Guthrie came zooming into our room and threw the covers back off me again.

"Adam says you´re to come for breakfast," he said, bouncing a little. Clearly, he wasn´t still feeling the effects of his nightmare, but Guthrie´s like that. He´s always been more resilient than me in that way, even for example when he´s punished. Once it´s done, it´s over for him; he doesn´t stop to think about it anymore, whereas I´m more brooding. Or challenging as I heard Adam tell Hannah one time, soon after they married, when he thought I was out of earshot.

I still had my head face down into my pillow when I said to him, "I told Ford to tell him I wasn´t hungry."

"Yea, but Adam said you´re to come anyway." He shook me a little, and I rolled over onto my back and looked up at him.

"I´m not coming," I said, sulkily. I really just wanted to be left alone, which in a house of 8 people,- well 7 now that Crane was away- wasn´t the easiest of requests to be fulfilled.

Guthrie sat down on my bed, one leg on the bed and one still on the floor. "How come?" he asked me, and then he looked more closely at me. "Hey, what happened to your cheek?"

"You hit me during the night when I tried to wake you up from your nightmare."

Guthrie looked aghast. "Golly, I´m really sorry, Heidi," he said, a bit shakily, looking like he wanted to cry.

I sat up a bit. "It´s ok. You didn´t mean it- it was an accident. I´m not mad at you. Are you ok now?"

Guthrie nodded, but still looked upset. "How come you don´t want breakfast?" he asked again.

I sighed and told him about my ears since I hadn´t really had a chance the day before. "The guys are mad at me," I finished glumly.

"But you can´t stay up here forever," Guthrie pointed out, being irritatingly reasonable.

I flopped back down on my bed. "Watch me," I grumbled. I saw Guthrie shrug and lope back out the room and I once more pulled the covers back up over me, rolling over so I was lying face down again.

No more than two or three minutes passed when I heard someone else come into my room. Normally, I can tell who is who with my eyes closed, just by the sound of their footsteps. For example, although Brian´s a big guy, he´s really light on his feet, whereas Evan clomps around like a rhinoceros even though he´s shorter. But because I was insulated under my covers, I didn´t have a good read on who was there. So, it was because I thought it was Guthrie or Ford, back to pester me to come down again, that I yelled, "Go away! What part of leave me alone don´t you understand?"

As quick as lightening, I felt my covers being tossed back and a hard, stinging swat landing on my behind, accompanied by a flinty voice that said, "Excuse me? What did you just say to me?"

I rolled over quickly to see Adam staring down at me fiercely, his brow knitted together. When he gets that face, you know you´d better shape up. I scrambled up to a sitting position and moved further back against the headboard.

"I´m sorry, Adam," I said quickly. "I didn´t know it was you. I thought it was Ford or Guthrie…"

"You shouldn´t be speakin´ to anyone like that," Adam said sternly. I brought my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, looking up at him.

"What´s this nonsense about you not comin´ down for breakfast?" he said.

I looked up at him pleadingly, "I´m not hungry, Adam."

"Uh huh. Since when do you get to opt out of eatin´ breakfast with the family just because you don´t feel like it?" he asked me, crossing his arms.

I shrugged and refused to meet his eye. Adam sat down on my bed, so that he was facing me.

"I would think, that bein´ in as much trouble as you already are, you wouldn´t want to add disrespect or more disobedience to the list of your wrongdoings." Clearly, Brian had informed him about my middle of the night admission of guilt. "I want you to get up, get dressed and be downstairs in 10 minutes," he continued. "D´you hear me?"

Despite my better judgement, I didn´t acknowledge him, turning my face away, so I wouldn´t have to see him.

He leaned over and took my chin in his hand, turning my face so I had to look at him. "And in these 10 minutes, you´d better think about adjustin´ that attitude, or I´ll do it for you. Do you understand me, Heidi?"

"Yes," I said, trying to keep the attitude out my voice even though, inside, I felt like screaming at him.

He let go of my chin and got up, leaving my room, and shutting the door quietly behind him.

I got out of bed and stomped around my room, flinging things out of my dresser, in an effort to decide what to wear. I felt very frustrated. The rational part of me knew that I had brought this mess on myself: I had disobeyed and then hidden the evidence. The day before, all I felt was panic at being caught and avoiding punishment. But the emotional part of me was angry at the situation I was in. Yes, I had done something wrong, but hadn´t I tried to fix it? And why were my brothers so strict anyway? - I knew Olivia and her sister Ella got away with much more than me and they lived with their mom and dad, not their big brothers. Once, at Olivia´s, I had seen her big sister Ella tell her father to mind his own business when he asked her something about an assignment. I had frozen momentarily, thinking that all hell was about to break loose, but her father hadn´t said a thing! The more I thought about it, the more I became convinced that it was my brothers´ faults I was in trouble because they were impossibly strict.

Once I had thrown on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt and brushed my hair, I pulled my hair up in a ponytail, away from my face, now that there was no need to conceal my ears. Looking in the mirror told me that they did look better than yesterday, although they were still a scarlet red. I made my way downstairs slowly, feeling tired and wired: never a good combination for me.

Everyone was already seated at the table. Evan and Daniel looked like they were just about finishing and both of them gave me a sympathetic look. I slipped into my place next to Adam and across from Brian, avoiding their eyes. I heard Adam say quietly to me, "Good girl for listening and coming down; now eat your breakfast." He served me eggs and toast with some jelly, which I dutifully started eating, avoiding all conversation which buzzed around me.

Then I heard Ford, who was sitting across the table say, "Gosh, Heidi, what happened to your ears?"

I frowned. I hadn´t told Ford what was going on and his question was an innocent one but my hackles were already raised and I couldn´t hold myself back from saying nastily, "None of your business."

"Heidi," I heard Adam say in a low warning tone and then Ford, holding up his hands as if to ward me off said, "Okay okay, just asking."

I cast him a withering look, which perhaps wasn´t so withering since I feel like I´ve only really perfected it in my teenage years, and went back to eating my breakfast.

One by one, my brothers finished and left the table disappearing off to do their own thing, or do their chores. Daniel ran his hand over my hair on his way out. Evan squeezed my shoulder. It was Brian and Guthrie´s turn to wash the dishes and so Guthrie started to clear the empty plates that weren´t being used now and stack them next to the sink. Brian stayed seated and so did Adam. With one beside me and one across from me, I felt claustrophobic under their gaze. Brian was silent, elbows on the table, just watching me over his coffee cup with a grim look on his face. Adam talked to Guthrie while he was stacking plates.

When I finished my breakfast, I pushed my plate away and then I tried to slip out my chair to go and do my chores, but Adam caught my arm. "Uh uh, not so fast, Heidi Mae," he said.

I stared at him, horrified he was using my middle name- Mae which I loathe. No one ever calls me that apart from when they want me to know I´m in big trouble.

"The three of us need to chat," he continued.

"I need to do my chores… the chickens…" I said, desperate to avoid facing them.

Adam nodded. "Ok then. Go and do your chores and then come straight back in here. We´ll be waiting."

I daringly took my time with the chickens. Polly seemed to sense that I needed her attention, and she let me pick her up and cuddle her while I poured my heart out to her and told her how upset I was feeling inside. She just clucked a few times, not passing any judgement on me: that´s the good thing about animals. Eventually, once I had filled their water and their feed trays and collected the eggs, I carted the eggs back the house, coming in through the back door and placing them on the counter for the time being. Guthrie and Brian had finished the dishes and the house was very quiet apart from the low boom of Adam and Brian´s voices coming from the living room. I washed my hands and then slowly rounded the corner, into the living room where Adam was sitting on one couch, flicking through some papers and Brian was on another one, polishing his boots with a cloth.

Brian saw me first and patted the space next to him on the couch and said, "Come sit here, Heidi." I obeyed him and then he put down his boots and moved so that he was sitting on the coffee table, facing me. Adam put down his papers on the desk to the right of the stairs and then joined Brian on the coffee table, facing me. It was rare to be facing both my oldest brothers when I was in trouble; it was intimidating- I mean they´re tall guys and at 8, I was small, and skinny. Normally, only one of them dealt with us, unless it was something terrible. This made me feel even more irritated inside, because I didn´t think that what I had done was that bad at all. Both of them were regarding me, solemnly.

"Your ears look better today, how do they feel?" Brian said.

I reached up unconsciously to touch them. "They feel a bit better," I said.

"I´d like to hear in your own words what happened yesterday," Adam said, putting a hand on my knee and wiggling it a bit.

I swallowed and told him about being in the department store with Olivia and her mother and getting my ears pierced. I told him about coming home and realising that what I had done was wrong because I had disobeyed.

"I see," said Adam, clasping his hands together. "And how did you get the earrings out?"

I hesitated for a moment and I think that Adam could tell that I was contemplating whether to tell him, because he said, "I want the truth."

"Daniel helped me," I admitted. "Evan tried too, but he couldn´t get them out. But please don´t be mad at them!" It was unbearable to me that Daniel or Evan would cop it for trying to help me.

"I´m not mad at them," he assured me.

Brian nodded. "They were just being brothers to you," he said. That made me a feel a tiny bit better.

"And tell me, Heidi, why didn´t you just come to Brian or me immediately and tell us what you´d done? Don´t you think you could have made your life a lot easier?"

I looked down at my hands and said nothing.

"I´d like an answer, young lady," Adam said sharply.

"I didn´t want a spanking," I said in a small voice, embarrassed.

"So, you thought you´d just hide and lie your way out of it?" Brian said. I could feel his stare on me. Brian has this ability to make you feel like he´s burning a hole in you when he´s mad. Guthrie says the same thing.

"I didn´t lie! I just didn´t tell you! And then I did tell you, when Guthrie had his nightmare!" I protested earnestly, meeting their eyes again.

Brian blew air out his mouth and Adam rolled his eyes.

"How many times do we have to tell you, all of you, that hidin´ something you´ve done wrong from us is a form of lyin´," Adam said, loudly. For Adam, he had actually been quite calm, but now his voice was starting to rise.

"But I did tell Brian!" I whined.

"Yes, you did. But not straight away," Brian said, thankfully ignoring my whining.

I was silent, looking down at my hands again. I was tired of talking about it- I just wanted them to tell me what my punishment was, and get it over and done with.

Adam was not to be deterred though. "What this shows me, Heidi Mae, is that you still need to work on your consequential thinking skills, remember we´ve talked about them before? Thinkin´ things through from beginnin´ to end before you act?"

I nodded. Adam had spent a long time lecturing Guthrie and I, all of us really, about this.

"I´m sorry. Are you going to spank me?" I asked them, not directing it to either one of them in particular, although I knew if the answer were to be yes, it would be Adam that did it. I could feel my cheeks growing hot as I said it. My heart hammered in my chest while I waited for the answer.

"No," Adam said. My head shot up in surprise. "But what is going to happen is that you are grounded to the ranch for a while. You seem to have a problem rememberin´ the rules when you´re out, so until we feel like we can trust you not to disobey what we tell you, you´ll be spending your time around here, doing lots of chores and going to bed early. We´re pretty disappointed in you, Heidi."

I heard Brian say something in agreement. My eyes filled with tears. They were laying the guilt card on pretty thick: I hated being told that I had disappointed them and I despised being sent to bed early, before Guthrie even and then everybody else. To me, it was like being excluded from the family.

At that moment, I expected one or both of them to send me upstairs to my room, or set me some chores straight away, but then Adam said, "And what´s more is that I´m goin´ to call Olivia´s mother and tell her that you did not have permission to get your ears pierced and that in the future, she should make sure she speaks to one of us before something of this nature again."

I looked at Adam in horror. "Adam, no!" I exclaimed. "Violet will think I´m a liar and she might not let Olivia play with me again!" I started crying, loudly. To me, this was a much worse punishment than a spanking. I so cared about what Olivia and her mother thought about me, and to have Adam call her like this was agonizing to me.

Adam looked solemnly at me. "There is a chance that Mrs Bradshaw won´t want you around Olivia, but I doubt it. She will probably be disappointed in you though," he said.

"Please, I´m really sorry, and I´ll never ever lie to you or hide anything from you again. Can´t you just spank me?" I said, desperately, looking at both my brothers´ faces, which seemed immovable. Once my brothers cast punishment, it´s almost unheard of that they back down. And they always back each other up, too.

"No, Heidi," Adam said and then he got up and walked to the cove where the phone is. I jumped up and ran after him pleading with him not to make the call, but Brian got up and scooped me back, depositing me back on the couch.

"Hush, Heidi," he said. I could feel the anger and the frustration build up in me again, rising up through my belly. Why did my brothers have to be so damn strict?

I jumped up again. "You´re so mean! It´s not even a big deal: it´s just stupid pierced ears!" I yelled. "I´m never going to speak to either of you ever again!"

And I turned and ran up to my room, slamming the door shut extra hard.


	16. No way out

As soon as my door was slammed shut, I threw myself on my bed in a dramatic fashion, cuddling Rocket to my chest. Slamming doors and yelling the way I had done are majorly against my brothers´ rules, still to this day, so I knew on some level that I´d pay the price for my fit, but I was crying pretty heavily at this point. I imagined that I was the most put upon 8-year-old on the planet- such was my level of upset. I was panicked at the thought that Olivia´s mother would think I was a terrible person and that she would forbid Olivia from playing with me ever again which would devastate me. Even though we´d only been friends for a few weeks, I was really attached to her: she was my first ever good girlfriend and she fulfilled in me a need that I couldn´t get at home in a houseful of boys, no matter how hard they tried.

I had worked myself up into such a state crying that I didn´t hear Adam coming into my room not much later. I was lying on my left side but when he sat down on bed, I turned over onto my right side so I couldn´t see him- he was the last person I wanted to talk to.

"Alright, Heidi, enough of the histrionics; settle down now," Adam said, in a clipped tone.

My response was to sob harder and I cried at him, "Leave me alone! I don´t want to speak to you!" except that it came out like a high frequency wail because I was crying so hard. Adam most likely had had enough, because he pulled me up by my forearms- not roughly or anything, but firmly and then he stood me in between his legs so we were eye level and held me by my lower arms. I tried to pull away from him but he tightened his grip around me so I was held in place- to be honest he didn´t have to work at all. His grip was secure, but it didn´t hurt.

" _E_ - _nough_ ," Adam said again with authority, stressing both syllables in the word. "Take some deep breaths and settle down."

He sat me down on one of his knees, keeping one of my arms in his hold so I couldn´t bolt and using his other hand to run a circular motion on my back to calm me down. I didn´t want to cry into him because I was so upset with him, but being held in place with no option of escape did help me to calm down a bit. I didn´t stop crying but I did quieten down some. I had no tissues so I used my sleeve to wipe my eyes and nose, although I couldn´t blow it so my head still felt stuffy.

I was still taking ragged breaths when Adam said to me, "You´re really testin´ my patience today, Heidi. You´re allowed your feelings, but what you´re not allowed to do is yell at us and slam doors, especially as you´re already in trouble. You´re behavin´ like a brat and you know the cure for bratty children in this house."

At that, the volume of my crying increased again, and then Adam said over the noise I was making, "Do you feel like you need a tannin´?"

I thought that was a stupid question. What kid ever feels like they need a spanking? You spend your whole childhood trying to avoid it!

I shook my head at him. "Noooo."

Then he said, "Well why are you actin´ this way then? Because you know if you continue, that´s what you´re going to get."

"Because you´re being so mean to me!" I cried, looking at him properly for the first time since he had sat me on his knee. I thought for a second he looked amused, though quickly the expression was replaced by a serious one.

"I´m sorry you feel that way, Heidi. Don´t you think we should talk about it? Hmm?" he said.

I shook my head. "I don´t want you to call Olivia´s mom," I wailed miserably, hoping that my distress would deter him. Of course, I should have known better.

"That´s too bad, because I won´t change my mind. I know you think Brian and I are being real hard on you, and I´m happy to talk to you and explain our reasonin´, but no amount of fit pitchin´ is going to get you what you want. You know that."

He paused for a moment and I continued crying. Then he continued. "I´m going to come back in a while to give you some space and time to settle down properly. When I come back, I want you calm, ok?"

Although I didn´t want to co-operate with him, I acknowledged that Adam was actually being really patient with me- he´d tossed me over his lap before for less, so I didn´t want to tempt him, and I understood that he was hanging on a by a thread, so I nodded at him.

"Good girl," he said. He let go of my arm and slid me off his knee. He left my room, closing the door quietly behind him- a glaring juxtaposition to how I had slammed the door earlier.

I was still crying but was much calmer than before Adam had come into my room. I lay down on my bed again, suddenly feeling very tired. A lot of emotion has always done that to me- I mostly always need to sleep after a tantrum and when I awake, I´m much calmer and more reasonable. I think that´s what Adam was hoping for when he left my room. I cried a bit more, but soon fell asleep, cuddling Rocket to me.

/

I didn´t sleep for long according to the clock on my bedside table- only about 45 minutes or so. I had just woken up and was stretching out on my bed when Adam came back into my room- again not bothering to knock.

He sat down on my bed again, and put a hand on one of my lower legs. "Did you sleep?" he asked me.

"Uh huh," I said while yawning: I was still waking up.

"Good. Do you think you´re ready to be reasonable and talk?"

I nodded. "But I need to pee first," I said.

Adam smiled a little. "Ok, go on; come back here when you´re done."

I quickly went to the bathroom, where one of the boys had left the toilet seat up. Since Hannah has come into our family, she´s trained all of the boys to put it back down again when they´re done, but until she came to live with us, I took it for granted that leaving it up was normal.

When I got back to my room, Adam was sitting in the rocker that used to be our mama´s, and now sat in the corner of mine and Guthrie´s room. A few years ago, it was put into the attic but when Hannah got pregnant earlier this year, I heard her talking to Adam about getting it back down for the new baby. Normally, it became a dumping ground for clothes and toys in our room. Adam had cleared the chair while I was in the bathroom, putting the stuff on Guthrie´s bed for the time being.

"Come sit with me here," he said, when I came back in my bedroom. Because I had slept, I wasn´t so angry or frustrated anymore, just scared about what Olivia´s mother would say and sad at being told earlier than my brothers were disappointed in me. I still didn´t think what I had done was such a big deal and I wanted to tell Adam that I thought that he and Brian were too strict.

I walked to Adam, and he placed me on one his knees. I lay my head against his chest, listening to the thump of his heart. He put his arms around me and used a booted foot to rock us gently. He didn´t say anything for a couple of minutes, just let me settle there and then he said, "I´ve spoken to Mrs Bradshaw- Violet."

My heart started thumping in my chest and my body stiffened. Adam´s arms tightened around me, reassuringly. "She was surprised to hear that you didn´t have permission, but we both agreed that you probably just got carried away in the moment. I told her that I needed her to check in with myself or Brian before she takes you and Olivia somewhere where Olivia is allowed to do something that we might not give you permission for."

My heart was in my throat when I asked in a small voice, my head still against Adam´s chest, "Is she going to let Olivia play with me, still?"

"Yes, Heidi. As I said, she was surprised and no doubt, she was disappointed that you lied, but she still thinks really highly of you, and she says that you mean a lot to Olivia too."

At that, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. The adrenaline seemed to drain from my body, to the point where I actually felt quite light headed and faint from relief. My body sort of melted into Adam at this point- I guess I hadn´t realized just how scared I was that my friendship with Olivia might be over. Of course, over the years, Olivia and I have gotten into our fair share of scrapes and neither Adam, nor Violet had ever said we couldn´t still be friends, but as I said, this sort of female friendship was new to me at that point.

I was quiet for a few minutes while I regained equilibrium. Adam was quiet too. He just continued to rock us softly. Then I pulled my head away from his chest and looked up at him. "I´m sorry for yelling at you this morning and for slamming my door. And I´m sorry for disobeying you and getting my ears pierced when you and Brian told me not to. It´s just…" I trailed off.

"It´s just what?" Adam said, pushing back my hair, which had come out of my ponytail when I was sleeping and was now in my face.

"It´s just, I don´t understand why you won´t let me get them pierced. I think you and Bri are really strict coz all my friends get away with so much more than me."

Adam raised an eyebrow and smiled gently. "All your friends? Name me who you think gets away with things more than you."

"Well, ok… Olivia I guess."

"Huh," Adam said. "I don´t think we´re so strict."

"You are!" I insisted.

Adam shifted me on his knee so that I was sitting on his whole lap now facing him, with my lower legs on the chair. He clasped his hands together behind my waist.

"We´re just trying to raise you, the boys too, the way we think mom and dad would have done it. It´s how they raised Bri and me and Crane and the rest of the boys before they died. We don´t do anythin´ they wouldn´t have done. In fact, I think, if anythin´, we´re a little softer than mom and dad. Dad would have tanned you for that fit for sure. But another thing for sure is that everythin´ we do for you is because we love you. We want you to be safe and healthy."

"But how is getting my ears pierced unsafe? And how do you know that mom and dad wouldn´t want me to get my ears pierced now?" I asked him.

"Well… I don´t exactly. They´re not here to ask, so sometimes, we need to make our own decisions for you. It´s not unsafe as such, but I don´t like jewelry on little kids, Heidi and neither does Brian. I think you´re too young for earrings. It´s just personal opinion and because you´re a little girl, you have to mind us, even if you don´t agree with us."

"I´m not a little girl!" I protested.

Adam gave me a wry look. "Yes. You are. You´re not a toddler or in kindergarten, but you´re still a child."

I huffed at him. He patted me firmly on the backside, as a sort of warning. "You can get them done when you go into middle school, okay?"

I looked at him for a second and then I sighed. There really was no way around him.

"Okay," I said, resigned to my fate. I still wasn´t happy about it, but I was smart enough to understand that I couldn´t get by on this one.

"Now, for the rest of the day and week, I want best behavior. You´re to find Brian and apologize, and because of your fit this morning, you can be on dish duty at lunchtime and at supper today. You´re grounded, remember, so I´ll set you some chores to do and you´ll need to get your homework done this afternoon because it´s early bedtime for you as well."

I sighed heavily, thinking of the long day and week ahead. "Okay," I said again, and then I said, "How long am I grounded for?"

"It depends on your attitude. We need to be able to feel like that we can trust you to follow our rules when you´re off the ranch, so like I said, best behavior. You´ve exhausted all your warnin´s with me, Heidi. One more fit, one more instance of disrespect, I won´t stop to warn you. Do you understand?"

"Yes," I said.

He cupped my face in his hands and then leaned forward and kissed my forehead a couple of times in the same place.

"I really am sorry for disobeying you, Adam," I said, and I did mean it even though I still wished I were allowed to wear earrings.

"I know, honey. I forgive you. Now, let´s get something on those ears again and on that cheek. If you go to school lookin´ like that tomorrow, your teacher will call the cops!"

/

Adam wasn´t kidding when he said he would set me some chores. When I came downstairs after our talk, he set me on cleaning out the chicken coop, and he helped me a bit, and then I had to clear some brush, sweep the floor of the tack room and then fold laundry in the house and go and put it away in the relevant drawers. It really wasn´t a fun punishment and I knew that I had dishes to come at lunchtime and supper and chores in the afternoon too as well as homework.

It was while I was in the tack room, sweeping the floor that Brian came in, hauling in a bridle and a saddle, presumably to put it away. He said hi to me and I replied, but I waited until he had hung the bridle and saddle up on the relevant racks to speak to him properly. He was dusting off his hands on his jeans when I said, still holding the broom, "I´m sorry for my fit earlier. And for getting my ears pierced when you said I couldn´t."

Brian crossed his arms and looked at me sternly. "I know Adam´s had a long talk with you so I don´t need to repeat anything he said, do I?"

"No Bri," I said, biting my lip. I just wanted all the trouble to be over.

"You ready to put this behind us?" he said, still sternly.

I nodded eagerly.

"Good," he said. His face softened and he held his arms out to me. "Because I´ve missed my best girl."

 **I know some readers may think that Adam and Brian were soft on Heidi in this chapter, but from watching the show, I do think their characters are quite gentle at heart, despite their tempers. I think that both of them would understand that Heidi´s tantrum arose because she was scared, not because she´s spoiled. Anyway, now that Heidi is over that hurdle, back to the main plot! Once again, thank you to readers and reviewers: you give me life in the writing world.**


	17. The mystery

**I´m sorry it´s taken me a while to update. I got sick and had some real-life stuff to take care of: I have no intention of abandoning the story. Thanks SO much to the people who take the time out to read and to review. I appreciate you kind souls so much! Anyway- on with the story!**

I ended up being grounded for 10 days, but boy did those 10 days pass by slowly. Adam seemed determined to make a point by piling on the chores at the weekend and when I got home from school every day, so there was no time for me to play. Add homework on top of that and the fact that I wasn´t allowed to watch any TV either and had an early bedtime, I was completely miserable and sorely regretting my actions. But I didn´t complain- not in Adam and Brian´s earshot anyway because Adam had warned me about being on my best behavior and I knew that I had reached the end of the rope with his patience- his and Brian both. So, I just sucked it up and got on with things, trying to have a good attitude so that my grounding would come to an end as quickly as possible.

/

I saw Olivia on the Monday morning at school. I was a little afraid she would be mad at me because maybe her mom would have gotten onto her thinking that she had known I wasn´t allowed to get my ears pierced, but she bounded right up to me, the gold studs in her ears gleaming tauntingly at me.

"Hi, Heidi!" she said, giving me a hug.

"Hey."

She studied my ears for a moment and then she said, "Your brothers made you take your earrings out, huh?"

I shrugged, not wanting to go into the full story. "Something like that. Is your mom really mad at me?" I asked, nervously.

"Nah, she gets it," Olivia said. "She said it was a shame you couldn´t keep them in, but that you gotta do what your brothers say. Did you get in lots of trouble?"

"I´m grounded," I told her glumly. "Don´t know for how long- I gotta be really good so it´s over quickly."

"Olivia looked at me sympathetically. "That´s too bad. I´ve never been grounded."

I looked at her incredulously. "What? Never?"

"Nope."

"How do your parents punish you then?" I asked her.

"I don´t really get punished. My mom and dad just talk to me and tell me not to do it again…" Olivia said breezily. "Hey, I got some new coloring pens. Want to see?"

I nodded and she fished them out her bag while I sighed inwardly again about how strict my brothers were, even though Adam said they were only raising us the way our parents would have.

/

Daniel, like me, had been keeping a low profile since he came home drunk, but he wasn´t grounded anymore. He was still illusive about school, even when Adam and Brian tried to ask him about his day at the supper table, like they did to the rest of us. On the Wednesday of the second week I was grounded, he was late for supper and because of that, also late for his chores which irritated Adam to no end. As we sat down to supper, Adam looked around the table and asked us, "Any of you kids know where Daniel´s got to?"

All of us answered no, or shook our heads, and then Adam said, "Well, have you seen him since you all got home from school?"

Again, all of us confirmed that we hadn´t seen Daniel. I could feel myself getting tense. I hate when one of my brothers is in trouble even more than I hate being in trouble myself. Adam´s jaw set, like it does when he´s angry or upset about something and he looked at Brian. They seemed to communicate with their eyes and then without Adam even saying anything, Brian said, "I don´t think he´s with them, Adam. You made yourself pretty clear last time."

I didn´t really know what they were talking about. Who was "them"? But then I remembered something about the Paterson twins who were notorious troublemakers around our area, and how Daniel had been seen with them the week before he had come home drunk. But I wondered how Brian could know what Adam was thinking without him even having to open his mouth.

Adam´s attention turned to the rest of the table. He took the plate of roasted vegetables which had made it round to him and spooning some on this plate, he asked us all in a roundabout way, "So kids, how are your grades?"

The rest of us groaned loudly, none more so than Evan who groaned the loudest.

"Ohhhh Adam! Why´d you have to ruin a perfectly good meal by talking about school?" he said.

Brian grinned but Adam looked at Evan pointedly. "Am I to take from your response that the answer isn´t good?"

Evan rolled his eyes. "They´re fine, Adam," he said through a mouthful of mashed potatoes. "I´m passin´." That, for Evan, was considered a success. He´s smart, but out of all of us, he liked school the least and both Adam and Brian always had to hound him to keep his grades up. A couple of years ago too, he had wanted to quit school in his junior year and go on the rodeo circuit and Adam, Brian and Crane had been vehemently against it, although Adam made the most noise about it. Adam was really smart at school and he had been valedictorian of his class. If our parents hadn´t died when they did, he would definitely have gone to college, so school´s really important to him and he pushed all of us to do our best.

"Well, that´s good," Adam said. He pointed his fork at Ford. "How about you?" he asked him.

"I´m doing good, Adam," Ford said softly, studying his plate intently and not meeting Adam´s eye. I saw Adam exchange another look with Brian but he didn´t push Ford any further on it.

"And what about you two?" he said to me and Guthrie. Guthrie puffed out his chest.

"I got all As so far, Adam," Guthrie said to him, proudly.

Adam smiled at him. "Good job, buddy," he said and Brian, who was sitting next to Guthrie ran a hand over his hair. Guthrie fairly preened. He loved to make the guys happy with him- he still does.

"What about you, missy?" Adam said to me.

I echoed Guthrie and Adam smiled and winked at me. It felt good to have him pleased with me about something again.

The talk at the table turned to other things after that. I could see Adam keeping one eye on the clock and Brian keeping one eye on the door, but they talked and laughed with us about funny things that happened at school, mostly recounted by Evan who along with Daniel, loved to ham up a good tale.

It was while we were doing homework that Daniel burst in through the back door. I thought that he looked really upset: his face was flushed and his eyes had a sort of feverish look to them. Both Adam and Brian were outside, finishing up nighttime chores, and probably attending to Daniel´s chores too, since he hadn´t been home to do them and they couldn´t wait too long into the evening, so thankfully Daniel had time to get himself together before they interrogated him.

"Hey, Daniel, where you been? Adam´s real mad at you coz you missed supper and you haven´t done your chores," Guthrie told him, looking up from his math worksheet.

"You better have a good story," Evan said, not looking up from his History textbook.

Daniel sat down at the end of the table where Hannah sits now and pulled his boots off, chucking them from where he was sitting into the laundry room.

"There´s just something I had to do," he said. "I´m starvin´- is there any food left?"

Ford pointed to the warming oven. "Brian put a plate aside for you."

Daniel made a noise of appreciation and then fetched his plate from the warming oven, sitting back down at the table and inhaling his food with speed.

He ate his food in record time and then he pulled his homework out his bag and began to tackle it with a groan about how much he hated his Science teacher. We were all uncharacteristically silent for a couple of minutes while we all concentrated on our individual homework tasks and were only interrupted by Brian coming in through the back door and stomping his feet on the mat to shake the mud out of his boots before coming into the kitchen.

He eyed us all suspiciously. "You all are way too quiet for homework time. What hare brained scheme are y´all plannin´ now?"

We all looked at Brian innocently and then Evan said smiling sweetly at him, "Nothing, Brian. We´re perfect angels."

"Uh huh," Brian said drily. He turned his attention to Daniel.

"Where you been, Danil? Adam´s near fit to kill," he said.

Daniel looked at Brian and had the good grace to look sheepish. "There was just somethin´ I had to do, Bri," he said softly. I was relieved to see that he wasn´t giving Brian any attitude about it but Brian still looked irritated.

"Well, _what_ did you have to do?" he said, stressing the word ´what´.

"I can´t tell you just now. But I´ll tell you at the weekend. Please don´t be mad- I didn´t mean to be late and I wasn´t with the Pattersons."

As I´ve said before, Brian is somewhat unpredictable and you never really know how he´s going to react to something. I held my breath because I thought that maybe he would explode at Daniel for his evasiveness but instead, he held Daniel´s gaze for a few seconds.

"Okay, but we´ll be havin´ that talk at the weekend" he said and Daniel nodded. "You´d better go and clear things with Adam- he´s in the stables," Brian continued.

"Ok…" Daniel said reluctantly. He stood up but hesitated.

"What?" Brian said.

"Can you come with me?" Daniel said. "Back me up."

Brian considered for a moment and then he said, "I´ll come with you, Danil, but you gotta do your own talkin´."

Daniel went to get his boots from where he had flung them into the laundry room and I could hear him and Brian rebooting and Daniel shrugging on his jacket before they went outside.

When they had gone, I turned to the others. "Where you do you think Daniel´s been?" I said in a roundabout way to the table.

None of them paid me much attention. Guthrie shrugged, Ford said, "Dunno," and Evan said, "Beats me."

I couldn't understand why none of them weren´t more interested in Daniel´s whereabouts. It was a mystery and I vowed to myself that I would do some sleuthing out and try to find out.

The three of them came in just as we were finishing our homework. Daniel looked subdued but otherwise unscathed, and neither Adam or Brian looked particularly tense.

My brothers started putting their homework back in their bags and I finished up my homework with a sigh because I knew what was coming. Like clockwork, Adam looked over at me and said, "Bedtime, Heidi. Go brush your teeth."

I was really sick of going to bed early, but I knew complaining about it wouldn´t do any good, so I went off to brush my teeth and climbed into bed to wait for Adam to come and tuck me in.

I was reading my book to myself, and worrying Rocket´s soft ear with my fingers, which I found really soothing when Adam came into my room. He sat next to me, his back against my headboard and put his arm around me so I could snuggle in next to him. Because I was going to bed early, we weren´t able to read the book Guthrie and I had been reading together at bedtime because then Guthrie would miss out, so Adam was reading bits of my own book to me, and I had even read to him a couple of times the week before. As Adam put the book down, he told me to lay down in bed and then he sat on the end of my bed and looked down at me.

"I think tonight can be the last night you go to bed earlier than Guthrie and the last day you have to do extra chores," he said to me.

I sat up on my forearms in excitement. "Really, Adam?" I asked, hopefully.

Adam smiled at me. "Yes, really. You´ve taken your punishment without complaint and you´ve worked hard at the chores I´ve given you. I think you´ve learned your lesson, hmm?" he said.

I nodded effusively. "Yes, Adam!"

"What lesson is that?" Adam said.

I lay back down in bed. "Not to disobey you. Or Brian. But Adam, Olivia´s never been grounded in her own life," I said. I wasn´t complaining, I just felt like I wanted to tell him.

"Lucky Olivia," Adam said. "But that´s not going to change the way Brian and I raise you."

"I know."

Adam used one of his fingers to gently brush my bangs out my eyes. "I think we´ll take you for a haircut this weekend. And then you know what´s coming this weekend?"

I sat up again I excitement. "Carnival!"

"That´s right."

"Can we go, Adam?" I asked him, feeling hopeful. Everyone at school had been talking about carnival for the week and I´d been worried that being grounded would mean that I wouldn´t get to go.

"If you carry on behaving well until the end of the week, then yes."

/


	18. Carnival

I was on my best behavior the rest of the week so that Adam would let me go to the carnival at the weekend. Now that I was allowed to play outside with Guthrie after school, rather than doing extra chores and I was back to my regular bedtime, I was much more cheerful and biddable anyway.

The carnival came to our area once a year in the fall and it was the talk of the town among the kids at school, mainly because it was something different to the normality of daily life. Normally, Adam stayed at home to take care of things on the ranch and let Brian and Crane take us there, but this year, he said if we all got up early on the Saturday morning to take care of things that needed to be done on the ranch that day, then we could all go.

By the time Saturday rolled around, Guthrie and I were bouncing off the walls with excitement and Brian had to encourage me a couple of times to finish my breakfast because I was so busy speculating with Guthrie and the others what rides and stalls they would have at the carnival that year. Adam announced at breakfast, however, that before going to the carnival, we would be stopping by Snip n´Trim in Murphys for haircuts.

I perked up at this: I loved getting my hair cut and Sissy, the lady at the salon who cut women´s hair, always made me feel special. Sometimes after cutting and drying it, she would put my hair up into a special style for me if there was time.

"Adam, can I get my hair cut short? To my chin?" I asked him. My hair at the moment was just past my shoulders and Violet, Olivia´s mother had mentioned once that she thought that I would suit my hair in a bob with my bangs.

Adam raised his eyebrows at me. "If you want to, I guess. What gave you that idea?"

"Violet said she thought I would look nice with a bob," I said.

"Huh. Well it´s your hair, Heidi. So go ahead," he said to me and I rewarded him with a huge smile.

The boys groaned. "Heidi´s hair always takes ages!" Ford moaned. "Do we have to wait for her to be done before we go to the carnival?

Brian laughed. "´Fraid so, partner."

Ford grumbled under his breath and I stuck my tongue out at him because his grousing was annoying me. It wasn´t my fault that my hair was longer and so thick. Lucikly, neither Adam nor Brian saw me, and Ford just made a face back at me.

"I don´t want my haircut," Daniel announced. "I´m growin´ it."

Brian looked at him in surprise. "It´s already pretty long, Danil. Pretty soon you´ll start lookin´ like a hippy."

Evan laughed, "Daniel´s gonna have long hair, like a girl!"

Daniel rolled his eyes. "Shut up, Evan," but Evan continued.

"We can just call you Danielle!" he said and dissolved into fits of laughter. Ford giggled too and even Guthrie snickered.

I thought I saw Brian hide a smile, but then Daniel thumped Evan on the arm and Evan thumped him back.

"Cut it out, both of ya! Or you´ll be stayin´ here for the rest of the day," Adam said, sounding exasperated.

That shut them both up pretty quickly although they shot a few glares at each other. Those two lived in a permanent state of oscillating between war and being best friends. It seemed pretty tiring to me and I hoped Guthrie and I wouldn´t ever be like that.

"I really think you should get your hair cut, even just a little bit," Adam said to Daniel.

Daniel huffed. "You just told Heidi it´s her hair and she can do what she wants. So why is it different for me?"

Adam looked at Brian and Brian shrugged, and then Adam looked back at Daniel and said, "Ok, Daniel. You´ve got a point. Have it your way."

/

After a couple of hours of chores after breakfast and then getting cleaned up and changed, we all piled into the truck to go out. Adam and Brian were up front, and since there was room for three, especially if the person was small like me, I wheedled my way in. I usually like riding in the back, but Ford was still irritating me and along with Evan, they had continued to gripe while we were doing chores about how long it normally took to cut my hair, which then led to the two of them complaining about the amount of hair that was left in the shower drain when I washed my hair.

"Looks like a dead rat lyin´ there," Evan had said as we mucked out the stables along with Ford and Guthrie.

"Yea, the water doesn´t drain properly after you´ve washed your hair, Heidi," Ford added.

I stopped what I was doing and dropped my shovel, putting my hands on my hips. "Well, sorry I have longer hair than you guys. I _am_ a girl you know. What do you want me to do about it? I said, feeling put out.

"Well…" Evan said, looking over at Ford. "I think we should ask Sissy to give you a buzz cut. What d´ya think, Ford?"

"That should solve the problem all right," Ford said, laughing. Even Guthrie cracked a grin which didn´t impress me a bit.

I rolled my eyes and told them to shut up, before stalking out the barn to find Adam and ask him if he could assign me another chore. He´d said no and made me go back and help finish up the job, but by the time I´d got back to the stables, the three of them had almost finished anyway.

Now, sandwiched between my two oldest brothers, Brian tapped the side of the thigh with the back of his hand and said, "You don´t want to ride in the back with the boys, Heidi?"

"No. The boys are being colossal pains," I said, folding my arms.

"Colossal, huh? Where d´you learn that word?" Brian said.

I shrugged. "Dunno. Read it somewhere I guess."

"I see. So the boys are being colossal pains? Well, that sounds about right," Brian said, teasingly which got a small smile out of me.

/

The Snip n´Trim is the main hair salon in Murphys and it´s run by a husband and wife couple called Donnie and Sissy Graham. Donnie is a barber and he cuts men´s hair while Sissy is a hair stylist and cuts women´s hair. The salon is divided into two sections, sectioned off by a light blue partitioned wall. Donnie´s side looks like a typical barber shop with black leather barber chairs and brown and cream masculine tones. Sissy´s side on the other hand, has floral wallpaper on the walls, and she has a couple of those massive hair dryers that women who want perms and such sit under and read magazines and gossip to each other.

When we got there, Sissy took me straight through to her side of the salon while Donnie cut the boys´ hair. Sissy has a soft spot for me- she had been one of my mom´s friends and she always called me ´poppet´ and tried to make me feel special.

"How are you, poppet? Are you keeping all those boys in line?" she asked me while tying a black cape around my neck to protect my clothes from the falling hair.

"I try! But it´s not always easy," I said.

Sissy asked me what I wanted to get done, and I told her about my bob and how I wanted my bangs trimmed. We chatted while she cut my hair. She talked all about her grown up daughter who was Brian´s age and who was going to have a baby. I told her about Crane going to college and about Olivia. I even felt comfortable enough to tell her about the pierced ears debacle. Sissy gave me a sympathetic look in the mirror.

"Your big brothers weren´t so pleased with that, huh?"

I smiled, embarrassed. "No ma´am. I got in trouble."

Sissy sort of shook her head and smiled at me in the mirror.

"Sissy, do you think my mama would have minded me getting my ears pierced?" I asked her.

There was a moment of silence while Sissy finished up cutting my hair. Then she said, "It´s impossible to say, poppet. What I do know though, is that your mama would want you to mind your big brothers. Those boys love you somethin´ fierce."

Her eyes met mine in the mirror and she smiled at me. "There, I´m finished cutting. Let´s dry and then you´re good to go!"

After my hair had been dried, I admired it in the mirror. I loved it- Violet had been right about the hair style suiting me. I figured I looked a bit more grown up. I thanked Sissy and then ran out to meet my brothers, who were all finished and waiting for me. Adam and Brian had also had their hair cut, but true to his word, Daniel had stubbornly refused.

"Hey, guys! What do you think?" I said.

My brothers starting hooting and whistling playfully.

"Adam, call the cops! Someone´s stolen our little sister and replaced her with a model!" Brian said, winking at me.

I twirled round like I had seen those ladies in the movies do and flicked my hair with my hand in an exaggerated way.

Adam laughed at my antics. "Looks real nice, honey," he said and I beamed.

/

We arrived at the carnival which was near Angel´s Camp around midday. It was already packed and teaming with people, but Adam found somewhere to park the truck in a makeshift car park in a field nearby. We all piled out the truck and walked over to the carnival together but it took a while to actually get there because we kept bumping into people we knew and stopping to talk to them. It seemed everyone in the county were here today. I was sorry that I wouldn´t see Olivia that day, but her whole family had gone back to San Francisco to see her grandparents for the weekend.

As we ventured deeper into the entrance of the carnival, Daniel wanted to split off and meet some of his new friends from high school- he said they´d all arranged a meeting place the day before at school. Evan and Ford also wanted to split off and go around just the two of them. Adam said they could as long as they met us at the entrance at the end of the day. Chances were that we would run into them throughout the day anyway. That just left me, Guthrie, Adam and Brian. Adam said that Guthrie and I were too young to go off on our own. In years gone by, Crane would normally go around with us, and last year, Daniel had even let us be with him for an hour or so. But now it would need to be Adam or Brian. I really hoped it would be Adam because Brian hates rides and he hated to come on them with us.

My prayers were answered when Adam said, "I´ll go around with the twins, bud. We´ll see you later."

As Brian ambled off to entertain himself, Adam turned to us. "So, what do you want to do first?" he said.

"The Waltzer!" both Guthrie and I yelled at the same time.

Adam can be a real good time when he wants to be, and it was so fun to go around with him. We saw loads of kids from school there with their families too- with their moms or dads or big brothers and sisters. We spent a couple of hours going on the rides. Adam came on all them with us- we even went on the dodgems twice where we also saw Evan and Ford and a few of their school friends. I went in one car with Adam and Guthrie went in another. We went on the Wave Swinger and the Waltzer and then the Big Wheel and then a couple of other rides until we all felt a bit sick and decided to take a snack break. When we passed a cotton candy stall, both Guthrie and I begged Adam to buy us some. If it had been Brian, he wouldn´t have hesitated but Adam was more reticent about giving us sugar.

"Pleeeasssee, Adam," Guthrie pleaded, giving him his best sad puppy dog look. Adam wasn´t normally swayed by Guthrie´s pleas, or mine for that matter so I didn´t think it was going to work.

"You guys can choose between having cotton candy, or a candied apple," Adam said to us, waving to some people we knew from church not far in the distance.

"Why can´t we have both?" Guthrie said, pouting a bit.

"Because you´ll have no teeth left!" Adam said.

"Aaaadaam," Guthrie whined.

"That´s my offer, Guth. Take it or leave it," Adam said to Guthrie mildly but with resolve.

"I want cotton candy," I told him. "A pink one."

"Alright. And you?" Adam asked Guthrie.

Guthrie thought for a moment. "I´ll guess I´ll have cotton candy too. But I want a blue one."

We queued a while for the cotton candy. Adam bought us some, and we ambled slowly towards the seating area. Adam teased us by taking huge bites out of both my and Guthrie´s cotton candy sticks. As we headed towards the huge areas of picnic benches, we spotted Brian straddling one of the benches. He had his hand in the hair of a very pretty girl with jet black hair, and he was sitting very close to her. He whispered something in her ear which made her blush and laugh.

"There´s Brian!" Guthrie said, breaking into a run ahead of Adam and me.

"Guth! Come back!" Adam called, but Guthrie paid no heed and ran up to Brian and the girl, followed by Adam and me.

Brian looked sort of startled to see us, which I thought was silly because the carnival wasn´t that big so it wasn´t uncommon to run into people, quite a few times even. He moved away from the girl a bit so that they weren´t practically sitting on each other anymore.

"Hey Brian! Whatcha doing?" Guthrie said, hovering in front of Brian and the girl.

"Hey partner, you havin´ fun?" Brian said and then he said hi to me and Adam.

Guthrie launched into a monologue about what we had done the past couple of hours and then he addressed the black-haired girl. "Who are you?" he said to her.

"Guthrie!" Adam said, putting his hands on Guthrie´s shoulders. "That´s a bit rude, buddy."

Brian cleared his throat and said to the girl, "Rose, this is my big brother, Adam, my little brother, Guthrie and my little sister, Heidi. Guys, this is Rose. She´s my… well… she´s my friend."

Adam shook Rose´s hand and Guthrie copied him but I just smiled at her. She really was very pretty. Looking at them both, I noticed that both Brian and Rose had bits of hay stuck to their clothes and a few stray blades in their hair as well.

"Brian, how come you and Rose have bits of hay on you? Is there a hay ride here or something?" I asked him, looking round to see if I could spot a hayride anywhere.

Brian ran a hand though his hair as if to look for the stray blades of hay and then he looked down at his clothes. "Oh yea…" he said. "No… there´s no hayride here, kiddo." He seemed to be struggling a little for words. Rose looked like she was going a bit red, and she ran a hand through her long hair too.

"How come then?" I persisted.

Adam put his hand on the top of my head and said to me, "C´mon, Heidi. Let´s get out of here and leave Brian and his friend in peace.

I turned my head to look up at Adam behind me and he looked really amused, but I didn´t know what was so funny. He put his hand on the back of my neck gently, and then with his other hand on Guthrie´s shoulder, he guided us both away from Brian and Rose saying we would see them later.

"How come though, Adam?" I asked him as he was leading us away.

"I don´t know, Heidi. Maybe they sat down in some hay somewhere," Adam said. "Now, what do you want to do next?"

/

The three of us spent another hour just milling around the carnival, bumping into people we knew and talking to them. Adam said we had spent the majority of the money he had brought on the rides, so we didn´t really have much left for the other stalls like the High Score Roller. Guthrie had some saved-up money with him and he won a goldfish in a bag at the coconut shy. Adam rolled his eyes a bit and said that if he had a dollar for the number of carnival goldfish that had passed through our house, we´d all be rich.

Adam said we could head toward the petting zoo area. Even though we lived on a ranch, we didn´t have pets, not even a dog or a cat. I considered the chickens as pets, but my brothers took every opportunity to tell me that they weren´t.

When we got to the petting zoo area, there were several pens made out of wooden frames and chicken wire. There were goats in one of them, which didn´t interest us because we had goats on the ranch, and some small ponies, which I wasn´t drawn to either. But in one of them were a nest of bunny rabbits. Some were huddled together, nuzzling into each other while others were scampering around in the pen, nibbling in the grass. They had pointy ears and were various shades of grey and black and white. There was a handwritten sign on the pen saying, "Rabbits needing a home- FREE!"

I tugged on Adam´s shirt in excitement. "Adam! Look! The rabbits are free and they need a home, and they´re so cute! Can we take one home? Pleaaasse?"

A middle-aged man, who was standing next to the pen heard me talking to Adam and smiled at me.

"Hello there, little lady. Would you like to hold one?" he said to me.

I nodded enthusiastically. "Yes please!"

The man bent down and scooped up one of the scampering bunnies- a white one with black splotches all over it, like large ink blots. He put it in my arms, and the bunny sniffed me and then nuzzled into me.

"He likes you," the man said. "That one there´s a boy."

I stroked the bunny and cuddled him close, cooing to him. Guthrie stroked him in my arms.

"Are you really just giving them away?" I asked the man, my voice high with excitement.

He nodded. "Yep. My daughter got two rabbits for her birthday- pet shop said they were two girls. Turns out they were boy and girl and this here´s the result. So, I thought I´d come here and see if anyone wants a pet. They´re Polish rabbits- real friendly and calm. They make great pets."

I looked up at Adam again, and so did Guthrie. "Did you hear that, Adam?" I said. "They make great pets! Please can we take one home?"

"Yea, Adam," said Guthrie chiming in. "Please let us take one! They´re so cute!"

Adam gave us a skeptical look. "We don´t need another animal to be lookin´ after, kids. We´ve got enough at home," he said.

I turned the rabbit in my arms so that Adam could see his face. "But look at him. Look how cute he is! Please let us have one. You won´t have to do anything- we´ll take care of him, won´t we Guthrie?"

Guthrie nodded vigorously. "Yep! We´ll make it part of our chores."

Adam´s a tough one to convince sometimes. Brian´s more of a soft touch when it comes to things like this, but I think Adam could see from my face and Guthrie´s how much we wanted the rabbit. Since we lived on a ranch and had to take care of animals anyway, it wouldn´t be such an imposition. He reached out to rub the rabbit´s head in my arms with his finger.

"Well… he is pretty cute. But you know that rabbits need their hutches cleaned out and they need socializin´ - you have to play with it. You can´t just abandon him when you get bored of him," Adam said, wagging a finger at us.

"I´ll never get bored of him," I said confidently, stroking the rabbit´s soft ear. Guthrie echoed me.

Adam sighed. "I must be getting soft," he said. Guthrie and I cheered.

White Adam talked to the man who was giving them away for another couple of minutes, Guthrie said he wanted to hold the rabbit, and so I carefully transferred him into Guthrie´s arms and Adam held Guthrie´s fish. When Adam was done talking, I threw my arms around his waist and looked up at him.

"Thank you for letting us have him, Adam. I´m so happy," I said, squeezing him around his middle.

Adam hugged me back with one arm, the goldfish bag in his other hand. He couldn´t resist another warning as he looked down at me. "I meant what I said though, Heidi. This rabbit belongs to you and Guthrie. He´s your responsibility, so you better look after him."

"We will. I promise."

We ambled away from the petting zoo. Adam said that it was getting close to the meeting time with the rest of the family, and that we could slowly make our way to the entrance. Guthrie and I tussled over whose turn it was to hold the rabbit and argued over his name. I wanted to call him Splotch but Guthrie wanted to call him Flash, which I said was a stupid name for a rabbit. I got my own way and we eventually decided on Splotch. I took him back in my arms and he sat there contentedly, while I held him with one arm and stroked him with another. Adam made Guthrie carry his fish again, again reminding Guthrie that the fish was his responsibility since he had won it.

We walked around the outskirts of the carnival so as to avoid the crowds as we made our way back to the entrance. Adam and I were talking about building a hutch for Splotch when we were interrupted by Guthrie.

"Look! There´s Daniel!" he said, pointing over to a secluded shaded area canopied by trees.

Daniel was sitting on a picnic bench, facing us, but it was obvious that he couldn´t see us because he was a bit far away. He was deep in conversation with the person sitting across from him whose back was to us. A woman with bright blonde hair.

 **Once again- thanks to readers and reviewers.**


	19. Two sides of the argument

**I hope U.S readers had a lovely thanksgiving and that readers from elsewhere are having a lovely weekend. Blessings to you all.**

" _Look! There´s Daniel!" Guthrie said, pointing over to a secluded shaded area canopied by trees._

 _Daniel was sitting on a picnic bench, facing us, but it was obvious that he couldn´t see us because he was a bit far away. He was deep in conversation with the person sitting across from him whose back was to us. A woman with bright blonde hair._

Adam stared at Daniel and the woman with whom he was conversing for a long moment and so did I. Even from afar, I could tell from her signature hair style that the woman was Stacey, the daughter of Gary Sykes, the man who had been responsible for killing our parents. It was one of those moments like in a movie when everything comes flooding back to you. Snapshots memories flashed through my head: Stacey turning up out of the blue at the house; Daniel saying he wanted to talk to Gary Sykes; running into Stacey at the restaurant with Olivia and her mother where she had followed me into the bathroom and given me her phone number. And then giving Daniel Stacey´s number when he helped me to take my earrings out the night I had had them pierced. He had said he was going to throw the piece of paper with the number away for me, but I realized now that he must have hung onto it and arranged to meet her here. I understood then that I should have told Adam about meeting Stacey at the restaurant: with everything that happened with my ears, I just hadn´t really given it much thought.

"Oh no," I whispered under my breath, clutching Splotch to my chest for comfort, the same time as Guthrie said brightly, "Let´s go over and say hi!" He seemed completed unaware of what was happening and I wondered how he could be so dense, but then I remembered that Guthrie had no idea who Stacey was. He hadn´t been in the house at the time she had come- it had just been Ford and me.

I sneaked a look at Adam, ready for him to explode. But he didn´t. He just stared at the two of them for a couple of seconds longer. And then he shook his head and said quietly, but more like to himself than to us, "I don´t believe this."

"What´s the matter?" Guthrie said, but Adam ignored him.

"You two wait here," Adam said, barely looking at us as he began striding purposefully towards Daniel and Stacey.

Guthrie started on after him. "Why, Adam? What´s happening?" he said tugging on Adam´s shirt.

Adam stopped for a moment and said to Guthrie, "Just mind me, Guthrie. Stay here with Heidi." He gestured towards me. "Go on now."

Guthrie came to stand beside me. His face scrunched up in confusion. "What´s happening? I don´t get it."

"Daniel´s talking to Stacey Sykes- that woman who came to the house a couple of weeks ago. The daughter of the man who drove into mom and dad," I said.

"Ohhh," said Guthrie, taking it in. He was silent for a moment and then he said, "But, why would he want to talk to her?"

"Dunno, Guth," I said, though I did kind of get it. I too was curious. Not about Stacey really- but about Gary Sykes. I didn´t feel any anger towards him. I just wanted to know what he looked like.

The two of us stood side by side watching as Adam marched up to the picnic table. Both Daniel and Stacey were so engrossed in their conversation that they didn´t even notice Adam approaching. Daniel spotted him first. He jumped up and said something to Stacey which made her spring up as well, and turn around to look at Adam. We were too far to hear what was being said, but Adam said something to Daniel and Daniel tried to argue and threw up his hands in frustration. Adam said something else and Daniel argued with him further. Then Adam grabbed Daniel´s arm and shook him slightly. He pointed to where Guthrie and I were standing and said something else, finishing with a click of his fingers in our direction. Daniel appeared to capitulate because he started walking very slowly with his head down, towards where Guthrie and I were standing, kicking stones in front of him, violently. Adam turned to Stacey. From what I could gather, she kept trying to speak but he didn´t give her much of a chance. He didn´t even say that much to her, but from the expression on her face, I wouldn´t have liked to be in her shoes and evidently neither would Guthrie because he said to me, "Oh man. I ´m going to stay outta Adam´s way the rest of the day." I agreed with him, but I felt a bit sad inside. I had had such a fun day, what with getting my hair cut and the carnival and then Adam letting us take Splotch home. Now it would be ruined as Adam would surely be furious with Daniel.

Adam, clearly finished with Stacey, came pacing back towards us with long strides but when he reached Daniel, who still hadn´t made it to us, he slowed down and began talking to him quietly until they both got to us.

There was a moment of awkwardness as neither Guthrie nor I knew what to say to Daniel or Adam at that moment. But then Adam said brusquely, "Right, let´s go and meet the others."

He walked a little bit ahead of us while the three of us sort of trailed behind him in silence. Daniel was completely lost in thought: he hadn´t even noticed I was holding a rabbit, so I held the rabbit up to him while we walked and said, "Look, Danny. A man was giving away bunnies for free and Adam said we could have one. His name is Splotch."

"And I got a fish- see?" said Guthrie, holding up his goldfish in a bag.

"That´s great, guys," Daniel said in a monotone, without even really looking at the rabbit or the fish. I lapsed into silence again. I gave Guthrie a wide-eyed look and he shrugged his shoulders at me.

/

Brian was already waiting for us when we arrived at the entrance. He looked happy and relaxed.

"Hey, what´s this!" he said, pointing to Splotch in my arms, "I see we seem to have acquired a new pet!"

I nodded enthusiastically. "His name is Splotch! Isn´t he cute?!" I said.

Brian took the rabbit out of my arms and held him up to look at him. Then he turned him over to look at his underside and laughed.

"Sure is cute," he said, "But he is a she."

I gave Brian a doubtful look. "What? The man said it´s a he."

Brian grinned at me. "Nope. This bunny here is most definitely a she." He put Splotch back in my arms and she made as if to climb up my chest. I kissed her on the top of the head.

"I´m glad she´s a girl. There´s too boys in the house as it is," I said. Brian laughed.

Guthrie showed Brian his fish then and Brian said that we could look out the tank and the paraphernalia when we got home.

Adam and Daniel remained silent and Brian took in Adam´s obvious brooding tension and Daniel´s sullenness. "What´s up with you two?" he asked them.

Daniel wouldn´t look at him, but Adam just said tersely, "Later, Brian."

Not long after, Ford and Evan came loping back to the entrance. Ford was also carrying a goldfish in a bag, which made everyone except Daniel laugh.

"Cool! A rabbit!" Evan said, when he saw Splotch nestled in my arms. Both he and Ford stroked her.

We made our way back to the truck and piled in. Adam and Brian sat in the front while the rest of us sat in the truck bed. Daniel leaned against the cab of the truck with his legs stretched out in front of him looking out moodily at the scenery rushing past us. Evan noticed his bad mood.

"What´s up with you?" he asked Daniel, kicking his leg.

"Nothin´" Daniel said, not looking at him.

"Sandra Dooley stand you up?" Evan said, teasingly. He kicked Daniel´s leg again.

Daniel kicked him back. Hard. "Leave me alone, Evan," he said angrily.

Evan looked at Daniel warily. "Alright, alright. Chill out, man."

After that we all sort of ignored Daniel. He clearly wanted to be left alone to stew in his own thoughts. Evan, Ford, Guthrie and I talked about how we could fix up a hutch for Splotch and took bets on whose fish- Ford´s or Guthrie´s- would last the longest. Ford said he was going to name his fish Jaws, and then Guthrie said would name his Flipper.

/

When we got back to the ranch, it was already late afternoon and there was a mound of chores to be done before supper. Brian went inside to prepare food and Guthrie and Ford followed him, asking him if he could help them set up the fish tank for Jaws and Flipper. Adam told them that once they had set up the tank, they had to tend to the horses with Evan. Daniel was commanded to work with Adam.

I fetched some carrots and cucumber from the kitchen for Splotch and hand fed her, sitting on the couch, stroking the top of her head while she munched. Guthrie came and gave her some lettuce before heading out to deal with the horses. Brian had helped them set up the tank in the living room, and now the two fish were happily circling around.

Not long after, I headed outside to do my chores with the chickens, Splotch still in my arms. Polly came clucking up to me, eager for attention and I didn't want her to feel left out, so I picked her up with one arm as Splotch was still in the other, and carted them both out the coop. I sat on the grass, just outside the chicken coop and put them both down on the ground.

"Polly, this is Splotch. Splotch this is Polly. You´re both my babies, so I´ll like you to be friends," I said to them. Splotch hopped up to Polly, seemingly sniffing her, but Polly was wholly disinterested and strutted away, pecking at the grass. I grabbed her into my lap. "Don´t you want to be friends with Splotch?" I cooed to her.

Adam came walking past, toting a hay bale. He stopped when he saw me, looking down at me.

"What you doin´, baby?" he asked me, looking confused. He seemed calmer down than earlier.

"I´m trying to make Polly and Splotch friends," I said.

Adam looked amused. "How´s it goin´?"

"Not so good," I admitted. "Polly seems oblivious to her."

Adam raised an eyebrow. "Oblivious? Lord, Heidi, you´re going to bypass Crane in the vocabulary knowledge at this rate." He smiled at me.

I shrugged. "Do you know how to make them friends?"

Adam put down the hay bale and then crouched down to tickle Splotch´s head with his fingers. "Just give em time to get to know each other. But you know, the chickens aren´t pets, Heidi," he said, for the millionth time.

I looked at him pleadingly.

He sighed. "My words are wasted on you in this matter, aren´t they."

"Kind of, yea," I said, laughing.

Adam just shook his head at me, but he did smile.

/

At supper time, I tried to bring Splotch to the supper table with me, holding her in one hand, and eating with the other. Adam frowned at me. "You can´t bring animals to the table, Heidi," he said.

"But it´s her first night in a new home!" I protested. "She needs to get to know everyone. And she´s hungry too!" I picked up a piece of cucumber on my plate and started to feed Splotch.

"Put her down, while we´re eating," Adam said.

I gave him my sad eyed look though it was always wasted on Adam who was completely impervious to Guthrie and my puppy dog looks, although Brian could sometimes be swayed, depending on his mood. "I´ve got nowhere to put her. We don´t have a hutch for her yet," I said.

"Put her on the floor, and then after supper, we´ll put together a makeshift bed for her until we can build a hutch," Brian said then.

"But-"

"Now, Heidi," Adam said.

"Ok," I sighed. I put Splotch down on the floor. She scampered away from the table towards the living room.

I started eating my food. Brian had made pasta bolognaise and salad. Bolognaise is one of my absolute favorite foods so I tucked in heartily. Adam was acting normally, but Daniel was still surly. He just looked down at his plate, moving his food around on it, but not really eating it.

"I know you´re not too hungry, Danil, but try to eat something," Adam said to him.

"He´s too busy being a traitor," Evan muttered moodily under his breath, though it was clear enough for us all to hear.

Daniel´s head shot up and his eyes narrowed. "What did you say?"

"You heard me," Evan said, meeting Daniel´s gaze combatively.

"What´s that supposed to mean?" Daniel said, laying his fork down.

"It means exactly what it sounds like. You. Are. A. Traitor," Evan said enunciating each word as though Daniel was stupid. "Guthrie told me about earlier. About you meeting with that Stacey woman. The daughter of the man who killed mom and dad, Daniel. He _killed_ mom and dad, what part of that don´t you get? You´re a jackass for giving her the time of day. Why don´t you just go and spit on mom and dad´s grave, huh?"

"Screw you, Evan," Daniel said, getting up. He looked like he wanted to knock Evan´s head off his shoulders. Evan got up too, as though he were ready for the fight.

"Alright, guys, cool it and sit down," Adam said to them both. They were looking at each other murderously. They continued to glare at each other, but they did sit down, especially as Brian, sitting next to Evan, took his arm and pulled him back down.

"Time out," Brian said.

Guthrie, sitting across from me looked stricken, but I could have kicked him then and there. I really could. Anyone with any sense would have known that Evan would react that way to Daniel talking to Stacey, and that´s why I had made up my mind that I wasn´t going to mention it to him. But Guthrie´s always saying things he shouldn´t. Even now. He does it really innocently, but it´s like he doesn´t have a filter for what should or should not be said.

"How did you even arrange to meet her?" Brian said then.

I held my breath. If Daniel told them that he had gotten the number off me, I would be in trouble again for not having told them straight away. And I really didn´t feel like being in trouble again. But good old Daniel- he covered for me. "I just ran into her there," he told Brian.

"It´s just not fair. Why can´t I meet Sykes if I want to?" Daniel burst out, crossing his arms. He looked really childish like that, much younger than his 14 years.

"We´ve been over this, Daniel," said Adam. "Just this afternoon when we got home, we´ve been over this. You know why. This is a family decision, and me and Brian have already decided that it´s not in our interest."

"But it´s not a good reason. If it´s a family decision, then we should all get to take a vote. As a family," said Daniel.

"I vote no," Evan said then.

"Well, I say yes," said Daniel.

"There _is_ no vote!" Adam said, exasperated. "You´re all too young to get a vote in a decision like this." Then he said more gently to Daniel, "I understand how you feel, I do. But what purpose would it serve for us to meet him? It won´t bring mom and dad back."

"I know that. But all of us live with the consequences of what Sykes did every single day. I want a chance to talk to him. To look at him and tell him what he´s done to us. To tell him what he took from us. And I want to hear what he´s got to say. Why can´t you understand that?" Daniel said, his voice cracking with emotion. I watched as he struggled to contain his tears but he couldn´t. He got up from the table and ran out the back door.


	20. Splotch

**Hello dear readers. Some of you may have noticed that I changed the title and the description of my story. This is because I have decided to write two stories at the same time as I´m desperate to tell both stories. This one will continue as a prequel to Heidi's entries and my new one (coming soon) will be a sequel to Heidi´s entries focusing on a teenage Heidi as she processes the grief over her parents' death and something happens which fractures and polarizes the community. I normally write quite long chapters, but I´ve decided to make them a little shorter so I can write and update more as I´m pushed for time. I just love writing about this family!**

 **As always, all reviews welcome and thanks for reading.**

There was a heavy silence at the table after Daniel ran out. Adam ran a hand over his face like he does when he´s stressed or frustrated about something. He and Brian exchanged a look and then Brian scraped his chair back.

"I´ll go," he said wearily. "He´s more likely to listen to me just now than you."

"He´s just so darn stubborn!" Adam said, sounding drained.

Brian smiled. "There´s not a McFadden in this house who ain´t stubborn when they want to be." He got up and walked to the front door, grabbing his jacket off the hook and then he left in search of wherever Daniel had gone. Probably the barn.

Adam got up and covered both Daniel and Brian´s plates, placing them in the warming oven to keep them warm and then he came and sat back down in his place.

Across the table from me, Guthrie was looking a bit sick- really pale and he was fighting back tears.

"I´m sorry… I didn´t know that saying anything to Evan would cause a big argument," he said, with a quavering breath. Ford put his arm around Guthrie in comfort.

"It´s ok, Guth. It´s a tough thing and feelin´s are runnin high. Just eat your supper now," Adam said to him.

Guthrie pushed his food around his plate with his fork. "I´m not hungry now," he said.

"Me either," Ford said, putting his fork down on the table.

"And me," I said. I wasn´t so hungry myself now. Only Evan continued to eat, doggedly, his head down avoiding everyone´s eyes.

"C´mon kids, Brian´s gone to the trouble of making supper so we should at least try to eat it, right?"

We looked at him dubiously.

Adam sighed. "Ok then, just eat half. We´ll save the rest of your plate for another night."

"Uch. I hate when that happens," said Ford scrunching up his face. Normally my oldest brothers were fairly strict about finishing your plate. If you didn´t finish your food in one sitting, you had to finish it another time, before you could have any treats or anything.

"Then finish your plate," said Adam. Ford groaned but he did manage to start eating again. I divided my food into sections and concentrated on finishing each section, mentally congratulating myself when I finished each bit. My stomach was churning- it made me feel uncomfortable when one of my brothers was upset or sad.

The mood was subdued at the table for the rest of the meal but we did manage to plough on. After supper, Evan and Adam cleared the table and started on the dishes. Guthrie, Ford and I went through to the living room. Guthrie picked up Splotch and lay down on the couch on his back with Splotch on his chest. I really wanted to snuggle with her too, but I figured Guthrie could use the comfort more just now. Ford turned on the TV and I fetched my coloring book and pens and set to work. There was something about the even strokes of the pen on the paper that calmed me when I was upset. After Evan and Adam were done with the dishes, Evan went upstairs to his room and Adam came and sat in the living room with us. He sat next to Ford and put his arm around him and Ford leaned into him.

I thought that Brian and Daniel would be outside for a long time, but as we were sitting there, the front door opened and Daniel walked in first, followed closely by Brian. Daniel´s eyes were red rimmed, like he had been crying and his face was puffy. Brian came and flopped down on the couch by Guthrie´s feet but Daniel stayed hovering at the door.

Adam got up and walked over to Daniel. He cupped Daniel´s face with one hand.

"You ok?" he said, looking down at him.

Daniel nodded. "I´m sorry for earlier," he said quietly. "But I can´t help how I feel. It´s really important to me, Adam."

"I know," said Adam. He seemed to hesitate for a second and then he pulled Daniel into a bear hug and held him tightly. "I know."

Daniel seemed sort of tense at first, but then after about half a minute, he started to hug Adam back.

"You want to go upstairs and talk about this?" Adam asked him.

Daniel nodded. Adam let him go and put one hand on his back, pushing him up the stairs gently and into his room.

Brian said to us, "You ok, kids?"

All of us nodded. "Adam covered your plate and put it in the warming over," Ford said.

"Good man," said Brian. He got up and returned with his plate, finishing his supper in the living room with us. When he was done, he washed up his plate and then he watched TV with Ford and Guthrie for a while and I continued coloring. A little bit later, he flicked one of Guthrie´s feet next to him.

"It´s gonna be time for you and Heidi to be in bed soon, so how´s about we get a bed for the bunny ready until we can build a hutch tomorrow?

"Okay," said Guthrie.

I looked up from my coloring. "Can I help?!"

"Sure," said Brian.

So the four of us- Guthrie, Brian and I, and Ford too, pulled on coats and shoes and headed out to the barn, Guthrie still holding Splotch to him. Brian found a large cardboard box in one of the sheds for Splotch and then we filled it with some newspaper and hay for her.

"There. She´ll be warm and toasty tonight until we can sort something more permanent for her," Brian said as Guthrie lowered the rabbit into the box. She used her front paws to dig a bit, sending hay strands flying around the box, but she soon settled down. "Alright kids, let´s leave Splotch here and go on back to the house now," Brian continued.

Both Guthrie and I looked at him, horrified.

"We can´t leave her out here all night!" I exclaimed. I reached into the box and picked up Splotch, holding her protectively against me.

"Why not? It´s warm enough in here, and the barn door is secure. Nothing will get in overnight," Brian said.

"But she´ll be lonely!" I said.

"And it´s her first night at a new place!" Guthrie added. He stroked Splotch´s head.

"All the other animals sleep outside and last time I checked, they were fine," Brian said. He sounded a bit impatient.

"Yes, but you´re always telling us that they´re livestock and not pets. Splotch is our pet!" I said.

"Yea!" Guthrie echoed.

Brian conceded a grin. "Well… you´ve got me there. We can put the box in the mudroom for tonight."

Guthrie and I cheered. Ford smiled and so did Brian, but he held one finger up in warning.

"But when the hutch is built, she´ll have to stay outside. A house is no place for a rabbit like this," he said.

Guthrie and I readily agreed, although I was already thinking in my mind how I was going to bring Splotch into the house full time.

When we got back to the house, Brian sent Guthrie and upstairs to shower and get ready for bed, and then when he was done, it was my turn. After I had showered and brushed my teeth, I passed Adam´s room to go downstairs again just as he was coming out of it.

"Ready for bed?" Adam said.

"Uh huh."

"Well go on to your room then. I´ll send Guthrie up and then one of us will be up in a minute," he said.

"I want to say goodnight to Splotch," I told him. "Brian helped us make her a bed until tomorrow. He said she can stay in the mudroom tonight."

Adam raised his eyebrows. "Oh, he did, did he?"

I looked at him a bit nervously, hoping that he wouldn´t over rule Brian although it was rare for him to do that over something small. "Yea."

"Well, I s´ppose one night won´t hurt," Adam said. "Hop to it now, it´s already past your bedtime."

I quickly went downstairs followed by Adam. Guthrie was playing with Splotch on the floor and Brian and Ford were watching TV again.

"Danil ok?" Brian asked Adam, as he sat down in one of the armchairs.

"Yea. He´s just restin´ and hangin´ out in our room just now. But you and I need to talk once the kids are in bed," Adam said quietly.

Brian nodded.

After that, Adam sent Guthrie and I up to bed. It took a while for him to get us there because we kept wanting to give Splotch one last hug and kiss but we did eventually get up to bed. Adam came up with us and read to us, sitting next to me on my bed. When he was done, he shut the book and put it on my bedside table. Just as he was about to get up off my bed, I hugged him.

"Thank you for taking me and Guth to the carnival today and for letting us have Splotch. Apart from Daniel being upset, I had a great day," I said.

Adam hugged me back. "You thanked me earlier, remember?" he said.

I let him go. "I know. But I just wanted to say it again," I said. Adam smiled at me and kissed the top of my head and then he did the same to Guthrie. He turned off our night lights and left the room.

I tried to go to sleep but my mind was racing. The sound of Guthrie tossing and turning told me that he was feeling the same way.

"I hope that Daniel´s alright," I said to Guthrie, in the dark.

"Me too."

"What do you think´s going to happen? With that Sykes man?

"I´m not sure," said Guthrie. "But Daniel sounds like he really wants to meet him."

"Do you think he should? Or all of us should?" I said.

"I dunno," Guthrie said again.

"Me either."

"I hope Splotch is alright," Guthrie said then.

"Yea. I hope she´s not too cold. Or lonely. Or sad." I said.

Guthrie switched his night lamp on. He turned on his side to look at me. "Maybe we should go and get her. Bring her in here," he said.

I turned to my side so I was facing him too. "Maybe you should go down and get her," I suggested.

"Why do I have to go down?!"

"Because it´s your idea!"

"You should go. You can creep more quietly than me," Guthrie said then.

"No way," I said stubbornly. "I´m not risking getting in trouble on my own. Either you go down or we both go."

"We´ll both go," Guthrie said.

The two of us crept out of bed and put our slippers on as the house got cold sometimes at night. I opened the door really quietly and we both stood there for a minute, just listening to who was downstairs. It would be a while until the others had to go to bed as there was such a big age difference between us and the others that they often went to bed significantly later than us. I could hear Ford´s voice, and I also worked out that Evan was down there now too, but I couldn´t hear Adam or Brian´s voices. If they weren´t in the living room, they would either be in the kitchen or outside somewhere. I was praying they were outside.

"I can´t hear Adam or Brian, but we´ll need to be quiet and quick," I told Guthrie. "If they´re in the kitchen, we´ll need to run back up," I said. He nodded.

The two of us crept midway down the stairs. Ford and Evan noticed us coming, and I put a finger to my lips to signal to them they needed to be quiet. They were but they looked on in interest. "Where are Adam and Brian?" Guthrie whispered as we paused in our place midway on the stairs.

"They said they had a coupla chores outside to finish up," Ford said.

"What are you two babies doing out of bed?" Evan asked. I chose to ignore the patronising ´babies´ comment because we were time pressured. Evidently, so did Guthrie because he didn´t all out Evan on it either.

"We want to take Splotch into our room for the night," I said.

Ford laughed and Evan rolled his eyes.

"Don´t tell, okay?" Guthrie said.

They both nodded and went back to watching their TV programme.

Taking Ford´s words that Adam and Brian were outside, we surmised that the coast was clear and we bolted to the mudroom. Splotch had settled down and was dozing in her box. She seemed happy enough and was a bit startled when Guthrie quickly scooped her up.

"It´s ok, we´re just going to take you upstairs," he crooned to her.

The two of us sprinted back through the living toom past Evan and Ford who were laughing at us, up to our room. I quietly shut the door behind us.

"Made it!" I said. Guthrie grinned at me. I slipped back into bed and Guthrie followed suit with Splotch, tucking her up under the covers with him.


	21. The rules

Knowing that Splotch was safe in our room, rather than lonely and sad downstairs meant that I fell asleep almost immediately after we brought her upstairs. I slept well, not even waking up once, so when I awoke in the morning I felt refreshed and ready to start the day. I awoke before Guthrie- he was still lightly snoring. I thought eagerly that I would try to get in some snuggle time with Splotch before Guthrie woke up and I had to share her again. I sat up in bed to see if she was still in Guthrie´s bed, but he was buried under his covers in a shapeless mound so I couldn´t really tell if Splotch was hiding in there.

I got out of bed and called her name softly, keeping an eye on Guthrie´s bed to see if there was an independent, wriggling rabbit shaped heap under his covers, but it was still impossible to tell. I went to the end of Guthrie´s bed and lifted up his covers from the bottom gently, peeking under them, still calling Splotch´s name softly. The only sight that met me was Guthrie´s pajama clad legs and a couple of stray socks. Guthrie has a habit of wearing socks to bed and then kicking them off in the night. He´s always losing his socks that way. I crept to the left side of Guthrie´s bed and lifted the covers up gently, and then did the same on the right. Still no Splotch.

Puzzled as to where she could be, I checked under my bed, and then under Guthrie´s. I checked my closet and then Guthrie´s. I then got on my hands and knees and checked under the closets and round the back of the them. No Splotch. I sat down on my bed, thinking carefully about where she could be. The door was closed- there was no way that a rabbit could have opened the door herself and gotten out. Which meant that someone must have come in and taken her.

I went over to Guthrie´s bed. "Guthrie! Guth!" I said, shaking his shoulder to wake up him.

Guthrie moaned a little and then rolled over onto his front, but he still didn´t wake up.

"Guthrie! Wake up!" I said, flicking his cheek. He finds that really annoying, but I knew it would get him up.

Guthrie´s hand swatted me away like I was a fly. He opened his eyes a little. "What? What´s the matter?" he murmured sleepily.

"I can´t find Splotch!" I said urgently.

Guthrie opened his eyes a little more. "What d´you mean you can´t find her?" he said. He rolled over onto his back.

"She´s not in the room!" I said.

Guthrie sat up in bed. "She must be!" he said.

"She isn´t! I´ve looked everywhere!"

Guthrie grumbled and then got out of bed. He looked in all the places I had just looked. I watched him.

When he finally came up short, I said, "Told you."

"Huh," he said.

"The door is shut. That means someone must have come in and taken her away again while we were sleeping," I said.

Guthrie looked at me, nervously.

"Well, maybe it was Ford, or Evan, or Daniel," he said, sounding hopeful.

"Or Adam or Brian," I said.

"Yea," he said.

We were both silent for a moment, contemplating. Then Guthrie said, "I hope it was one of the others. Not Adam or Brian, I mean."

"Me too," I said. "I don´t think either of them would be happy about us bringing her up here."

"Especially after the chicks. And Egor the goat," he said.

I nodded. The chicks he was referring to was an incident from a couple of years before, where Guthrie and I had taken four chicks from their mothers and kept them in a box in our bedroom. We didn´t do it out of badness- we just thought they were so cute and fluffy and we wanted to be able to love on them all the time. But even though we had tried to care for the chicks really well, we didn´t really know what we were doing, and we didn´t want to ask for help because we knew that Adam and Brian, and Crane too would have made us return them to the brood. They had died. Guthrie and I had been devastated. Another time, just a couple of months later, we had led Egor, our favorite kid to have been birthed, into the house and up to our room. We just wanted to play with her. We had left her up in our room one time over supper and when we got back, she had chewed through almost everything, including the wiring in our room. Adam and Brian had been furious, probably because of the expense of repairing the wiring. Adam had spanked us for that and he´d laid down a rule: there were to be no animals in the bedrooms and no animals in the house that he or Brian didn´t know about. So I guess you could say we were kind of playing with fire taking Splotch up to our room to begin with. But when you´re a kid that age, you sort of just get caught up in the moment.

"I´m gonna get Evan and Ford back so bad if they tattled on us," Guthrie said.

"I don´t think they would do that...," I said. The five of us- me, Guthrie, Ford, Evan and Daniel, had a code. You didn´t tattle to Adam, Brian or Crane unless someone was doing something dangerous. It was almost unheard of for one of us to break that code.

"Yea…guess we better go down and see what´s going on," Guthrie said, glumly.

We put on our slippers to go downstairs for breakfast. Normally, during the week and even on Saturdays, we dressed and did chores before breakfast but on Sunday, it was acceptable, if we weren´t going to church, to come to breakfast in pajamas and do chores a little bit later. Daniel and I were the ones who exploited that understanding the most- the others generally just always got dressed for breakfast. I don´t like to be rushed.

We padded downstairs and into the kitchen. Brian was standing by the stove, scrambling eggs and Adam was there, making pancake batter. They both looked up as we wandered in.

"Mornin´, babies," Brian said, using the family´s collective name for Guthrie and me. It normally irritated us now, because we felt like it was patronizing as we weren´t babies anymore. But we had to be careful now and not draw any attention to ourselves, so we just murmured good morning at him.

I sat down in my place and Guthrie sat in his.

"How did you sleep?" Adam said. He had finished making the batter now and was greasing the pan.

"Good," we both said at the same time.

"That´s good," he said. "What kind of pancakes do you want this morning?" Adam asked.

"Whatever you want, Adam," I said. Guthrie echoed me.

"Goodness. You two are accommodatin´ this mornin´," Adam said, lightly. Normally, Guthrie and I made outlandish demands about all the things we wanted in our pancakes.

Neither Guthrie nor I said anything. I poured myself a glass of orange juice and took a sip.

"Don´t you two want to check on your rabbit?" Brian said. "I would think with the fuss you made over her yesterday, you couldn´t wait to see her this mornin´.

Guthrie and I exchanged a look. They both most definitely knew.

I put my glass of juice down and both Guthrie and I slipped out of our seats towards the mudroom. We both tried to give as wide a berth to our brothers as possible- the undercurrent in Brian´s voice suggested that he might try popping our behinds as we walked past.

There, sitting in a high crate, quite happily in the middle of the mudroom, was Splotch. She was nestling into the hay in her crate although there were quite a few brown droppings in the crate, which looked like pellets. She had a water bowl and there were a couple of cauliflower stalks in there too, which had evidence of tiny, rabbit sized teeth marks on them.

We both knelt down and peered over the top of the crate, like proud parents saying hi to her and stroking her head and behind her ears.

Brian walked in and stood, leaning against the old sink where we keep cleaning rags and other cleaning supplies. He watched us with his arms folded.

"I came to check on her last night, to move her into this crate here, which is a bit more secure, and she had miraculously disappeared," Brian said. "Her box wasn´t chewed through, so it couldn´t have been that. And then I went upstairs to check on you both and here´s the strange thing. Splotch was on Guthrie´s pillow. Now, how do you suppose the rabbit got all the way up the stairs and into your room?"

I tried Brian with an impish grin.

"Magic?!" I suggested, lightly.

It was the wrong tactic. Brian did not look amused.

"Hmm, could be. Or, it could also be that after you two had been put to bed, you snuck out your room, came down here and took Splotch back upstairs with you to your room. Tell me, which option seems more likely do you think?"

Guthrie and I exchanged another look. "The second one," Guthrie said quietly.

"The second one," I repeated.

"It was my idea!" Guthrie said.

"But I helped too," I added. I wasn´t about to let Guthrie take all the blame for this one, even though he was trying to protect me and take the blame himself.

"I figured as much," Brian said. He took Guthrie´s arm and pulled him up to standing. Then he turned him to the side and landed what looked like a hard swat on his behind.

"Ouch!" Guthrie said, rubbing his backside. Brian let go of his arm. Then he pulled me up from where I was sitting and did the same to me. My pajamas were thin and he swatted hard, so it really stung.

"Ow!" I said, also now trying to rub the sting out of my backside.

"Be thankful that´s all you´re getting," Brian said. "Rabbits chew through things, kids. If I hadn´t come upstairs and brought her back down to this crate, she would have chewed her way through your room and Adam would be tannin´ your behinds right about now,"

"Darn right." I heard Adam´s voice before he materialized in front of us, standing at the entrance to the mudroom. "You two had better thank your lucky stars that Brian rescued that rabbit. I´m still considerin´ puttin´ you two across my knee- you both know better. What´s the rule about animals in the house?"

I looked up at Adam tremulously. "Not to have them in the house without you knowing…" I said.

"And not to have them in our rooms," Guthrie finished.

"Right. So why did you do it then?" Adam said sternly.

"We just felt bad for her…" Guthrie said.

"I know, Guth," Adam said, sounding a bit softer now. "You´re both kind hearted and that´s a good way to be. But we have these rules for a reason. It doesn't do to break them."

"I know. Sorry…" I said, looking down at my slippers. I was starting to feel a bit cold as we were near the back door and the draught was coming in. Adam noticed and said, "Come on, let´s go back to the kitchen. We´ll talk more about this later on."

Adam and Brian stood there, waiting for us to pass them, but we both stood where we were, waiting for them to go first. They looked sort of amused.

"On you go, kids," Adam said, and when we hesitated for a second longer, he said sharply, "March!"

The two of us hurried past them into the kitchen. Neither attempted to pop our behinds again. As we got back to the kitchen, there was still no one there, but we could hear excited voices all jammering at once in the living room. We all headed round to see what was happening. Evan was seated on the chair at the cove where the phone is, and Ford and Daniel were shouting things over him into the phone as well. I didn´t think the person on the other end would be able to hear anything with all the racket.

"Crane´s on the phone!" Ford announced, happily.

All of hurried towards the phone. Guthrie, whose spirit is irrepressible, seemed to forget that we had just been in trouble and he started shouting with the best of them down the phone to Crane. I was more subdued. I didn´t want to be in my brothers´ bad books again- I had only got off grounding the week before, so I was a bit upset at myself. But then I felt a hand on my head, smoothing my hair back. I looked up and Adam was standing there, behind me. That´s Adam´s primary way of showing affection, so I knew he was trying to show me that perhaps he wasn´t so angry, and that made me feel better, and I sort of sidled into him.

Ford got to speak next and then Guthrie who told Crane all about getting Splotch before I could. Then it was my turn and Guthrie handed me the receiver. I twisted the cord round my finger.

"Hi, Crane," I said into the phone.

"Hi, little one," Crane said, calling me his pet name for me.

"I hear you and Guthrie got a rabbit yesterday at the carnival, that´s fun, huh?"

"Yea."

"What´s the matter, little one?" Crane asked. Like Daniel, Crane has always been perceptive, but I was surrounded by the whole family and I didn´t want to talk to him in front of everyone.

"Nothing," I said.

"Everyone´s around, huh?" Crane said. It was like he was psychic or something.

"Yea. I miss you, Crane. When are you coming home again?" I said.

"In around three weeks. For Thanksgiving," he said.

I sighed. "That´s still three weeks away!" I said, glumly.

"Hmm. Well how about when I speak to Adam or Brian, I ask them to arrange a time in the next few days where we can speak properly. Just you and me. How does that sound?"

"Good," I said. Just like that, I felt better.


	22. Parents Night

After we all got off the phone with Crane, we had breakfast and then Brian told Guthrie and me to get dressed and meet him outside in the building shed where we could help him make a proper hutch for Splotch. I had really wanted to try to wheedle her into the house full time, but after last night and this morning´s shenanigans, I realized that the likelihood of that happening was second to none. I was still a bit blue from being in trouble that morning- I couldn´t just shake off feelings as quickly as Guthrie. And I missed Crane so much at that moment that it physically hurt inside.

I took my time getting dressed and brushing my hair, and then went to find my jacket so I could head outside to go help Brian. It wasn´t by the hook on the front door, so I went to check in the mudroom. I found it there and put it on, but since there was no one else around, I took the opportunity to pick up Splotch, who was sitting happily in her crate, and cradled her to my chest.

I sat down against the wall, legs bent up, still clutching Splotch close to me, and stroked her rhythmically. I find animals a really soothing presence in my life, even now; they´re non-judgmental and you don´t have to justify yourself to them: they take you as you are. So I started talking to Splotch about the turmoil I was feeling inside, and pretty soon, I was full on crying into her fur.

Suddenly, I felt hands on my knees and a voice saying, "Hey now, little sister, what´s the matter?"

I looked up. It was Daniel. I didn´t answer him, but shrugged. He grabbed a couple of tissues from a box on one of the counters next to me, and handed them to me so I could mop myself up. Then he sat down beside me. He reached over to stroke Splotch´s head.

"Want to talk about what´s upsetting you?" he asked.

I shrugged again. Sometimes it takes me a while to get into the position where I want to talk, even now. Adam and Brian find this maddening: they just have less patience, but Daniel and Crane are pretty good about waiting it out. Daniel was silent as he waited for me, and he just continued to stroke Splotch.

"Cool rabbit you´ve got there," he said, in conversation. "Brian gonna build him a hutch?"

"He´s outside now. I have to go and help," I said.

We were both quiet for a moment. And then I said quietly, "I miss Crane. A lot."

Daniel was silent for a moment. "I miss him too." He gave me a half smile. "A lot."

"Nothing feels right when he´s gone," I said.

"I know. I guess I haven´t been too nice to you lately, have I?"

I half smiled at him. "Not really. But it´s ok. I understand."

I´ll try to do better," Daniel said. He put his arm around me and I leaned into him.

That´s not the only thing bothering you, though is it?" he asked.

I sighed. "I guess not. I feel like I´m always in trouble."

Daniel laughed. "Join the club!"

I looked at him, and then I laughed too.

"Do you think Adam and Brian are strict?" I said.

"Hell, yea! It´s funny. You´d think that not having parents, we´d be able to do whatever we want, but the guys are harder on us than most of my friends´ parents are on them."

"Yea… Olivia´s never ever been grounded. In her life. And I bet she´s never had a spanking either," I said.

"That´s be nice," Daniel said, laughing again. And then we were both laughing. He took Splotch from me and set her on his knees. She ran down his legs and sniffed him, but then settled close to his feet.

"Daniel, are you going to try and see Gary Sykes, even though you´ve been told not to?" I said. I don´t know why, but it was preying on my mind and I wanted to be prepared for any upcoming unrest.

Daniel side eyed me. "Adam said we would talk about it as a family when Crane comes home for Thanksgiving. What do you think about it?" That´s another thing I love about Daniel- he doesn´t try to brush me off or consider me too young to have thoughts and feelings about things.

"I´m curious about him. I want to see what he looks like. That´s all."

Daniel nodded. "That´s fair."

"Yea."

"You´d better get outside, before Brian comes looking for you."

"I know". I was feeling a lot better, just after having talked to someone. Daniel´s so gentle that he always makes me feel better. We both got up and then I put Splotch back in her crate for the time being. I turned to go out the back door when Daniel said, "Heidi."

I turned around. "Yea?"

"Nothing. Just wanted to give you this." He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a hug.

/

When I finally made it outside to the building shed, Brian had already constructed the frame of the hutch out of wood with the help of Evan who had expressed interest in learning how to do it. Guthrie was ´helping´ as well, but really all he was doing was providing a running commentary and handing the guys any tools they asked for.

"About time. Where did you get lost to?" Brian asked, as I approached.

"Sorry, Bri. I was talking to Daniel.

Brian took in my red eyes which gave away that I had been crying. "You alright?" he asked.

Yea. That looks good," I said, pointing to the hutch. "What can I do to help?"

"You can make yourself useful and clean out the chicken coop," Brian said.

I wrinkled up my nose. "By myself?" Even though the chickens were my responsibility and my chore, someone normally helped me because it was a big job.

Brian raised an eyebrow. "Last time I checked, you had two well functionin´ arms and legs."

"Ok," I said, turning to head towards the chickens. Clearly, he was in a grouchy mood, so I didn´t want to tangle with him. Sometimes he can be short- he´s mostly all bark and no bite but you never really know.

It took me a couple of hours to clean out the coop on my own. Granted, I did spend some time just hugging and chatting with Polly who was pleased to see me. Then, I shoveled and scraped out all the droppings and dirt and shavings and hosed it down. I put down fresh bedding of hay and straw and refilled their feeder and water trough.

By the time I was done and headed back to the building shed, the guys had finished with the hutch, which I had to admit, looked pretty magnificent. They had made the hutch pretty big so that Splotch had plenty of room for her living quarters. She had a living room of sorts and then a more private bedroom which was sheltered from the elements and would keep her warm.

"That looks amazing," I exclaimed when I saw it.

"It´s not too shabby," Brian said.

"Where we gonna put it?" Guthrie asked.

"We can put her in a corner of the barn," Brian said.

"Bri, can we put her in the chicken pen? Not in the coop of course, but on the other side of the pen. Then maybe Splotch can become friends with the chickens and she can have friends."

Evan laughed, and Brian looked doubtful. "I don´t know how the chickens will take to her. You´ll need to watch them together for a while until they get used to each other. Otherwise, the chickens might peck her."

"Oh… how come…?"

"Animals are like people, Heidi. They take time to get to know each other. You wouldn´t just plonk two people together and demand they be friends. They need time to bond. Animals are the same," Brian said.

"But can we try it… please?" I gave him a begging look. Begging looks work much better on Brian than on Adam.

"Alright, Heidi. But this rabbit is yours and Guthrie´s responsibility. Hear me?"

I nodded fervently.

So, the four of us carted the hutch into the chicken pen, which is actually really big. We also let the chickens out the pen mostly, so that they´re free roaming because the grass gets eaten in their pen pretty quickly.

We made up Splotch´s hutch with fresh bedding and put some food in living room and attached a water bottle to the wire outside of her hutch. Then we installed her in there. She immediately scampered into the bedroom, out of sight.

"Oh man! Now we can´t see her!" Guthrie said.

"She probably need a break from you two monkeys," Brian said, poking Guthrie playfully.

"Right. I´d better go inside and see about lunch. Leave the rabbit alone for a while, give her some peace."

"Thanks for building her a hutch, Brian," I said, hugging him around the waist from the side.

"Yea, thanks, Bri!" Guthrie echoed me. He copied me and hugged Brian from the other side.

Brian hugged us both back, one of us in each arm. "Nothin´ better than a twin sandwich."

/

Guthrie and I spent the rest of the day playing and hanging out with Splotch. We let her out the hutch and watched her as she scampered around the chicken pen and beyond. The chickens didn´t peck her, but they weren´t interested in her either, and she didn´t seem too enamored with them either.

"I think they need more time together," I said to Guthrie. I was determined that Polly and Splotch would be friends come hook or crook.

That evening, Adam reminded Guthrie and me before bed that it was parent teacher conferences the following evening at our school. Both Adam and Brian went to parent teacher conferences where the others were concerned because there were more of them in the same school and there were more teachers to see. But because Guthrie and I only had one main teacher, Mrs Whitby, Adam said he would go on his own and Brian would stay with us.

"Is there anything that either of you need to tell me, before I meet Mrs Whitby? I don´t want any surprises," he said, after he had finished reading to us and was tucking us in.

"No, Adam," said Guthrie.

"Nope," I said, shaking my head. Both Guthrie and I behaved well in school. Both of us were good students, but I was always the better one. I really liked school and I was equally good at all subjects. Things came really easily to me in that department and I was often top of my class; if anything, I was often a bit bored at the pace of lessons. Guthrie struggled sometimes with math and Science, but it was nothing major. So I fully expected that Mrs Whitby would give us a glowing report.

/

Everyone in the class was on their best behavior the next day at school. It´s funny, kids can behave badly all year round, but when parents´ night rolls around, they think that one day of compliance is going to cancel out all their other misdeeds. Olivia and I laughed about it at lunchtime, and giggled about how Jimmy Wheeler and his friends Bobby Martin and Gil Peterson had all fallen over themselves to hold the door open for Mrs Whitby when she left the room at lunchtime.

I also told Olivia all about the carnival and about getting Splotch.

"You´ll need to come over and see her this week!" I told her, excitedly.

"It´s so cool that you can have so many animals. My mom won´t let us have any. She said she doesn´t want the hair around the house," Olivia said sadly.

"Adam and Brian don´t really like animals inside the house either," I told her. "Guthrie and I are always getting into trouble for bringing them inside."

"Really?"

"Uh huh," I said, proceeding to tell Olivia all about the chicks in the box and Egor the goat and then this weekend with bringing Splotch up to our room. I left out the punishment part because I didn´t think Olivia would understand, her parents being so lenient at all.

Olivia look at me with wide eyes. "Gosh. You´re so lucky, Heidi. Your house sounds like so much fun."

"It´s not fun all the time," I said.

"Still though," she said and I thought about that phrase I had heard Adam and Brian use before: the grass is always greener.

/

Adam came home after supper time, around 7pm that evening. Guthrie and I were waiting in anticipation and the others teased us about it- well mostly Evan.

"Just because you have to go run and hide after your parents´ night!" Guthrie said, sticking out his tongue at Evan.

When Adam walked through the door, the two of us practically jumped on him, bombarding him with questions. "What did she say about us? Are we doing well?" Guthrie demanded.

Adam shrugged off his coat and then took off his hat, throwing it on the hook. He missed and it landed on the floor. He just left it there and flopped down on the one of the sofas. Guthrie and I flanked him on either side, bouncing a little.

"Can I just have my supper first before I talk to you about what Mrs Whitby said," he asked us teasingly.

"No! Tell us now, Adam," I said.

Adam laughed. He caught one of our arms each and pulled us down to a sitting position, putting an arm around each of us.

"Well…she said that you both are doin´ really well in class and that you´re both really well behaved. She showed me some of your work that she was impressed with- Heidi, your Science project, and Guthrie, a short story that you wrote. And I think the word she used to describe teaching you was ´a joy´. Of course, I had to ask her if she was really talkin´ about my little brother and sister or if she had you mixed up with someone else…"

"Adam!" we squealed, laughing at his teasing. And then Adam laughed too. "No, but seriously, you two. You´re doin´ very well and I´m proud of you both."

Both Guthrie and I puffed out with pride. It was the ultimate accolade to have Adam or Brian proud of you for something. They didn´t say it all the time, so when they did, you knew it meant something. Adam kissed the top of my head and then did the same to Guthrie.

"Now can I go have my supper?" he asked.

"Brian made apple pie for dessert!" Guthrie exclaimed. "But I ate your piece!"

Adam looked at him mock sternly. "That so?" he asked. "Well I´ll have to do somethin´ about that!" He picked Guthrie up and threw him over his shoulder. Guthrie squealed with laughter.

Adam carried him into the kitchen and I could hear them laughing and carrying on there. I didn´t follow them- I just wanted to revel in the glow of being told that Adam was proud of me.

/

I had thought that Adam´s words would be the last that I heard of the parents´ night, but the following evening, after supper when everyone else had scattered into the living room or upstairs, Adam said he wanted to talk to me in his and Brian´s bedroom. More disturbingly, Brian came too. I started feeling nervous, thinking about what I could have done wrong, but both of them seemed relaxed.

Adam sat down in the armchair and Brian sat on the edge of the bed. He patted the spot next to him. "Come sit by me here, Heidi."

I sat down. "Have I done something wrong?" I asked, worriedly.

"Not at all, Heidi," Adam said, encouragingly. "We just want to talk to you about somethin´. About school."

I started biting my nails. "You said everything was good, yesterday!" I said.

"It is," Adam said, leaning forward in the chair. "But there´s some other stuff we need to talk about."

"Ok…" I said, still biting my nails.

Brian reached out and took my hand away from my mouth. "Don´t do that," he said, softly.

"Heidi, do you feel like you´re learnin´ enough in class?" Adam asked me.

"Yea…"

"Are you ever bored because the class is goin´ too slowly?" Brian asked me.

"Sometimes… I guess… But I don´t act out! I swear I don´t!" I said, wondering where this was going.

Brian patted my knee and said, "We know you don´t."

"Mrs Whitby seems to think you´re often bored and that the third-grade material is too easy for you. She thinks that it could be an idea for you to move up to the fourth grade," Adam said, looking at me intently.

I just stared at him. "You mean I wouldn´t be in the same class as Guthrie anymore? Or Olivia?" I asked.

"Well, yes. You would be in a different class. In a different grade," Adam said, watching me intently.

I stared at him, horrified.

"No!" I said, jumping up. "No! I don´t want to do that! You can´t make me!" said, raising my voice.

"Brian caught my arm. "Can the drama, Heidi. Nobody´s makin´ you do anythin´. We´re just talkin´ is all."

I sat back down. "Why don´t you want to?" Adam asked.

"Because I don´t want to not be in the same class as Guthrie. Or Olivia!" I said, starting to get emotional.

"Mmm," Adam said in a way that I couldn´t really decipher what he meant. "Well, maybe we should talk about this another time. When you´ve had time to really think about the idea."

"I don´t need to talk about it again. Because I don´t want to do it," I said, stubbornly.

"Alright, we´ve heard you, Heidi. You don´t have to be rude now," Brian said, in a warning tone.

I crossed my arms and pursed my lips together to stop myself from saying anything further. Both Adam and Brian let me go downstairs after that, although they stayed up in their room for a few minutes. I was feeling really anxious. I didn´t want to move grades- I wanted to stay in the third grade with my brother and my friends. The fourth-grade kids were so much bigger than me, and I didn´t have any friends in that class. My brothers hadn´t told me that I had to move grades, but I had to make sure there was no possibility of it. I would have to start flunking a few tests.

 **If you´re a regular reader, please do review- it means a lot to me. Oh, and go and check out my other Heidi story: A Town Divided. As always, thanks to readers and reviewers.**


	23. The Plan

I put my plan into action the very next day at school during math when Mrs Whitby was explaining the concept of patterns within numbers. I did, of course, understand everything she was saying and even more so when she modeled a couple of examples on the board.

"So, if the numbers are 4, 28, 52 and 76, what rule describes the pattern?" Mrs Whitby said, pointing to the numbers she had scrawled on the board.

Susy Chambers put up her hand and Mrs Whitby nodded at her. "+12," Susy suggested.

I wanted to roll my eyes but I didn´t. I found Susy to be a pain- she always put her up hand and gave a wrong answer. Some other kids teased her about it, but neither Guthrie nor I did. We knew Adam would kill us if we were ever caught bullying someone, and besides, neither of us liked upsetting other kids or making them cry.

"Good try, Susy, but that´s not quite right," Mrs Whitby said with an encouraging smile. "Anyone else know the answer?"

Again, no one else volunteered. Mrs Whitby looked in my direction. "Heidi? What about you?"

I knew the answer was +24; I had known it the minute that Mrs Whitby wrote the number 52 on the board, but of course I had to feign bewilderment.

"Uh… I´m not sure," I said, hoping I sounded convincing.

Mrs Whitby stared at me for a moment. "Are you sure, Heidi?" she said.

"+16?" I said.

Mrs Whitby looked at me strangely. "No, not that´s not quite right…" she said.

I could feel other kids´ eyes on me now, especially Olivia´s and Guthrie´s. I never got questions wrong. Ever. I flushed a little and told myself again that this was necessary. I hadn´t told Guthrie about my conversation with Adam and Brian about moving up a grade. They hadn´t told me not to, but I didn´t want to upset him. And anyway, I was taking care of it!

Guthrie, sitting on the other side of the room, put up his hand. "It´s +24," he said.

"Good job, Guthrie," Mrs Whitby said. She moved on to explain the answer.

I started doodling in the margins of my notebook. I would do that sometimes when I´d understood something and was waiting for the class to move on.

Eventually, Mrs Whitby finished explaining and she set us an exercise out of the textbook to complete. I turned to the page and read the instructions. Then I put up my hand. Mrs Whitby came over to where I was sitting.

"Yes, Heidi?"

"I don´t understand the questions," I said.

Again, Mrs Whitby looked at me curiously. She cocked her head to one side. "What don´t you understand about them?" she asked.

"I just don´t understand the concept, I guess."

Again, other kids in the class were staring at me.

"So, you don´t understand what you´re supposed to do?"

"Uh huh."

A few other hands in the class had gone up by now. Mostly from the kids who usually really didn´t understand.

Mrs Whitby looked like she was having a hard time believing me. But then she did pull up a chair and explain the concept to me again. It took about 10 minutes and I made all the appropriate noises. When she was done she said to me, "Have you got it?"

I nodded slowly. "I think so… I´ll give the exercise a try now."

Mrs Whitby smiled at me and then she got up and moved to someone else. I worked through the exercise slowly, writing down a few wildly inaccurate answers for good measure. Mrs Whitby would see them when she graded my book.

As the recess bell rang for lunch, and we were filing out the classroom to the lunch hall, both Olivia and Guthrie caught up with me, one on each side.

Guthrie grabbed my arm. "What was that all about, earlier?" he asked.

I feigned innocence. "What was what all about?"

Guthrie narrowed his eyes. "Come on, Heidi. Don´t play dumb with me. You pretending you didn´t know the answer in math."

"Who says I was pretending?!" I asked, trying to sound hurt.

Guthrie just gave me a look and then Olivia said, "You never get questions wrong, Heidi."

"Well maybe I just really didn´t understand…" I said.

Guthrie crossed his arm. "Fine," he huffed, looking hurt. "Don´t tell me then." He started to walk away. I caught his arm.

"No, Guth! I´ll tell you. I´ll tell you both." I looked around. "Just not here. Let´s go sit down."

So, the three of us went to sit down at one of the picnic tables in the courtyard where kids who brought a packed lunch ate. Guthrie and I normally always had a packed lunch- Brian made them. He was mostly quite creative about what he put in there too.

The three of us started unpacking our lunch when I said, "Mrs Whitby told Adam that she thinks I should move up to the fourth grade."

Guthrie looked up from unwrapping his sandwich in horror. "You mean like be in a different class?!" he said.

"Yea."

"But you can´t!" Olivia said, sounding panicked.

"I know. I don´t want to. I told Adam and Brian that I didn´t want to as well. But then Adam said we would talk about it another time."

"When did he tell you this?" Guthrie demanded.

"Last night."

Guthrie and Olivia seemed lost for words and just gaped at me.

"Don´t worry. I´ve got a plan," I said. "I´m going to act like I don´t understand some stuff and then I´m going to fail a couple of tests."

"Good plan," Olivia said but Guthrie shook his head slowly.

"I´m not sure that will work," he said.

"Why not?" I said

"Coz think about it. They´ll know you´re pretending. All of a sudden, you just don´t understand stuff? Gimme a break."

"Ok, he has a point," Olivia said. None of us had touched our lunches yet.

"You´re going to have to take it further, I think," Guthrie said.

"Take it further how…?

"Stop doing all your homework," Guthrie said.

"Oooo, good idea. Think about it: They´re not going to put a kid up a grade who doesn´t do homework, are they?" Olivia said.

"But I´ll get in trouble!" I said.

"Well, what´s worse? Being in trouble or having to move up a grade where you don´t know anyone and be in a different class to us?" Guthrie demanded.

When he put it that way…

/

Olivia came home with us that afternoon after school to meet Splotch. We talked a little more about my plan on the school bus.

"I really hope this works, Heidi. If you have to move up a grade, I´m going to stop coming to school," she said dramatically.

"I´m not going. No one can make me," I said. In the afternoon, I had worked slowly as well though our Social Studies work, not even making it to the extension task. Normally I would finish the extension task quickly as well. That whole afternoon had been really boring for me. But it was all for a good cause.

When we got to the ranch, Olivia helped me to do my chores which she found exciting. I lifted up Polly and put her in her arms. Olivia squealed a bit but then settled down. "I´ve never held a chicken before. They´re kind of soft!" she said.

Then, we went and played with Splotch and Guthrie came and hung out with us a bit too. Guthrie fetched some of her dry food from where we kept it in a bag in the barn. Splotch complied for the first 10 minutes and it looked like we were really making progress with her, but then she got bored and kept scampering away. We were trying to grab her back when Evan approached with a bucket in his hand and asked us what we were doing.

"Hi, Evan," Olivia said, smiling sweetly at him.

He smiled at her and raised a hand in greeting. Guthrie told him what we were doing.

"You shouldn´t force her, you know" he said, pointing to Splotch, "You´ll scare her and then she won´t want to do it in the future."

"Oh ok," I said.

"That´s so amazing how you know that," Olivia said, gushingly.

I eyed her curiously.

Evan shrugged. "Just something I picked up," he said, walking away.

"Don´t you think that Evan´s so cool?" Olivia said, staring after him.

Guthrie and I exchanged a puzzled look.

"Not really…" I said. Evan was just- well… Evan.

/

Olivia stayed for supper where the talk of the table was the upcoming 8th grade winter dance that would take place on Friday evening.

"You planning on taking someone, little brother?" Daniel asked, a twinkle in his eye.

"Yep," said Evan calmly, not rising to the bait.

"Who you gonna ask?" Ford said.

"I´ve already asked her. And she said yes," Evan said, looking pleased with himself.

"Thatta boy!" Brian said. "All the McFadden boys have charm."

"Did you have to pay her?" Daniel said, exploding into laugher.

Evan rolled his eyes.

"Is it Frieda Matheson?" Ford asked. We all started laughing. Frieda was a girl in Evan´s class who also went to our church and was just crazy about him. When they were a bit younger, she had always tried chasing him around the playground to kiss him. Unfortunately for her, her feelings were unreciprocated.

"No. For your information, I´m going with Cassidy Bryson," Evan said.

Daniel whistled. "Woah, little brother! I´m impressed!"

"Yea! She´s the prettiest girl in school!" Ford said.

"Definitely a 10!" Daniel said.

Brian, sitting next to Evan, slapped him on the back.

"What´s a 10?" Olivia asked.

"It´s when a girl has a- " Daniel began but Adam cut him off.

"That´s enough. It´s not nice to talk about girls and women like that," he said hastily, shooting Daniel a look.

I knew what they were talking about- I had grown up with it. Adam never permitted this kind of talk to go far. He said it was disrespectful. Brian- well he would allow it much more liberally unless it got vulgar. He did always say though that you had to treat women with respect and when the boys got old enough to actually start dating properly, I know that Adam and Brian both made it very clear to them the proper way to behave.

"Ok, _dad_ ," Daniel said. Adam rolled his eyes but didn´t bother to tell Daniel not to call him that.

Adam changed the subject then and directed the conversation for the rest of the meal.

/

Olivia´s dad picked her up after supper and spent some time talking to Adam. It was arranged I would go to Olivia´s that Saturday afternoon, but not for a sleepover because Adam said we would all be getting up early on Sunday to go to church. I made a face, but when Adam frowned at me disapprovingly, I tried to school my features into a more appropriate expression.

After she had gone, it was homework time. I thought that it would look too obvious if I just didn´t do any homework, and anyway, Guthrie and I always had the same so it would be strange if he was sitting doing his and I wasn´t doing any. Adam and Brian trusted us to get all our homework done without them checking our school planners because we were good about completing it. So, I didn´t have to worry about either of them demanding to see the finished work. I did my English homework because that was my favorite subject, and I did my Social Studies homework because we were learning about the presidents and I found that fascinating. But I left out math and Science. I figured if I didn´t do that homework, I might not know what was going on the next day and it would make my questions to Mrs Whitby look more genuine.

Just as we were finishing up, the phone rang.

"I´ll get it," I heard Brian say. A few seconds later, he called, "Heidi, it´s for you!"

I thought it might be Olivia calling to say she had forgotten something. I ran into the living room.

"Who is it?" I asked Brian, who was holding the receiver.

"It´s Crane," he said quietly.

My face lit up. Brian smiled at me. "He wants to talk just to you. Go on to the phone upstairs and you can pull it into my room so you can have some peace."

I ran up the stairs and did just that, flopping down on the floor next to Adam´s bed as that was as far as the cord would carry.

I was breathless when I picked up the phone. "Hi, Crane!"

"Hi, little one," he said.

"How come you´re calling to speak just to me?"

"Well, I told you earlier in the week I would, didn´t I?"

It was so great to talk to Crane on the phone without feeling time pressured, or having grabbing hands or a constant din surrounding me. I asked him about his classes and he told me, without being patronizing or condescending, all about them. Then, I told him more about Splotch and then about parents´ night and about what Mrs Whitby had recommended to Adam.

"I really don´t want to move, so I´ve got a plan," I said.

"Uh oh, Heidi. There´s nothing that strikes more fear into my heart than when I hear you say ´I´ve got a plan´." Crane teased.

I giggled. "No, but it´s a really good one!"

"You say that every time. And then it never turns out to be a good one, so I suggest that you quit while you´re ahead. You should give it some thought, Heidi. You´re a really smart kid when it comes to academics: you need to be challenged. Talk it through with Adam and Brian. And then, if you still don´t want to, I doubt they´ll make you do something like that without your consent."

"No one can make me," I said.

Crane sighed. "Alright, Ms Stubborn."

/

It was raining heavily when we went to bed. I loved lying, warm and cozy in bed and hearing the thud of the raindrops pattering on the roof. That sound accompanied me to sleep that night.

I was awoken by a crack of thunder and then a flash of lightening that lit up the room, despite the curtains being drawn. My heart was racing. True to form, Guthrie was still lying passed out- nothing wakes him up except nightmares. The clock on my bedside table told me it was 1.37am.

I tried to go back to sleep but every crash of thunder would set my heart racing again. It wasn´t so much that I was scared: I knew that they were part of nature and nothing to worry about when we were inside the house. I just hated the noise and wanted some comfort. I tried hiding under my covers, but it didn´t really work. After the fifth boom of sound, I climbed out of bed and headed down the hall to Adam and Brian´s room. I pushed the door open and slipped in. Both of them were sleeping peacefully. Mercifully, Brian wasn´t snoring for once. The sound of his snoring equated to thunder in my opinion. I often wondered how Adam put it up with it for so long before Hannah, but I think he just got used to it because the two of them had shared a room even when my mom and dad were alive.

Adam was lying on his back, one arm up over his forehead. I slipped in next to him under the covers and curled up to him as the next crash of thunder seemed to reverberate through the house. He came to a bit and opened his eyes. Seeing me there, he looked surprised. It really wasn´t very often that I came to him in bed. Guthrie did it much more than me.

"Heidi! What´s the matter? Are you sick?" he asked me quietly, sitting up slightly.

"No…it´s just the thunder," I whispered back, looking up at him.

Adam lay back down. He put his arm around me and drew me closer so that my head was resting on his shoulder.

"It´s alright. It´s nothing to be scared of," he murmured in my ear.

I snuggled in closer to him and quickly fell back to sleep.

/

Mrs Whitby didn´t look too impressed the next day when I didn´t have my math or Science homework to give in.

"Have you forgotten it at home?" she asked me.

"No… I just forgot to complete it," I said.

She stared at me. "You just didn´t do your homework, Heidi? Why not? That´s not like you at all."

"I´m sorry, ma´am. I just forgot," I said.

"Well, make sure you have it all tomorrow," she said.

That afternoon, I asked her questions about the Science topic we were studying- the water cycle and she sat with me for a good amount of time, re explaining everything. And the day after, I deliberately wrote down the wrong answers in a math quiz. I reckoned I had gotten enough wrong to get a D. An F would look too obvious, I thought.

When Mrs Whitby asked me for my homework again that day, I again, of course didn´t have it. She kept me in at recess and lunch break to complete it. And the same on Friday.

"What´s going on with you, Heidi?" she asked me, kindly, while I was sitting there doing the work during lunch.

"Nothing," I said. In truth, I was starting to feel exhausted about the whole thing. The pretense was hard work and I was feeling nervous about not completing my homework, which just wasn´t in my nature. Still, I told myself, it was the only way.

"It´s just that in the space of two days, you´ve gone from being my best student to suddenly saying you´re not understanding quite basic concepts and handing in incomplete homework. I just don´t believe that you really don´t understand."

She passed me the math test we had done earlier which had a ´C´ marked at the top in red pen.

"Now for some other students, this would be considered a success. But for you… well I would say this is a disappointing grade- wouldn´t you?"

I shrugged. "Maybe I´m not as smart as everyone thinks I am."

Mrs Whitby looked at me for a long moment. "I see," she said.

/

Evan spent a long time getting ready in his room for the dance that evening. When he came downstairs into the living room, dressed in his best jeans and a smart shirt, we all whistled and hooted at him. Daniel was staying the night with a friend but the rest of us were there.

"I´m wearing my best dancing shoes," he announced before hooking his thumbs in his belt and twirling around.

"You smell like Brian!" Guthrie said.

"I used his cologne," Evan said, suddenly looking a bit worried. "Is it too much?"

"Don´t worry about it; this scent drives the ladies wild," Brian said. He threw Evan his jacket. "C´mon, let´s get goin´." He was driving Evan and his date to the dance and picking them up later.

"Have fun," Adam said as they were leaving.

´Chitty Chitty Bang Bang´ was on the TV when Ford switched it on and so we all settled down to watch it. I loved that movie- the singing and the accents.

"Can we make popcorn, Adam?" I said.

Adam got up and disappeared into the kitchen to make the popcorn. While he was there, the phone rang. The three of us- Guthrie, Ford and I- were far too engrossed in the movie to even think about getting up to answer it. On the fifth ring, Adam came rounding into the living room.

"Oh don´t worry, guys, no need to get up; I´ll get it," he said sarcastically, though there was no bite in his words.

"Hello," he said, picking up the receiver. He listened for a moment and then said, "Oh hi, there," looking surprised.

I wasn´t really listening to the conversation because I was too busy being enthralled by the movie, but I could still hear it. Adam didn´t say much, he just listened mostly, but he did say things like, "Is that so?" and "I agree with you."

And then, I don´t know how I knew, but I could feel his eyes on me. A person just knows when someone is looking at them. Brian had explained to me before that it´s your sixth sense.

I looked over at Adam, drawing my attention away from the film. He was looking at me directly and he didn´t look too pleased.

"Yes, I think so too," Adam said to the person on the other end. "Don´t worry, I´ll take care of it."

 **Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates. Thank you, readers and reviewers!**


	24. A surprising reaction

Adam finished his conversation soon after that and then went back into the kitchen. I tried to concentrate on the movie again; it was at the doll on a music box scene which is one my favorites, but like I said, I had a sense that the phone call had been about me, so I couldn´t really concentrate. I got up from my spot on the couch and wandered into the kitchen. Adam was transferring the popcorn from the pan into a large bowl. He looked up when he saw me.

"I´m just comin´, Heidi," he said.

I hovered by the chair that Adam sits in at the table and used a hand to sort of lean on it.

"Need any help?" I asked.

"Nope. I think I´ve got it covered."

He went into one of the cupboards and pulled out three smaller bowls, stacking them up.

"Grab these for me, would ya?"

I went and picked up the bowls.

"Who was on the phone?" I asked, hoping my voice sounded light.

Adam looked at me evenly.

"Who do you think was on the phone?"

I shrugged. "I dunno."

Adam pinned me with a look again. It wasn´t so much mad, as it was intense.

"It was your teacher, Mrs Whitby."

"Oh…"

"Oh indeed," Adam said. "Might you know why she´s callin´ me on a Friday evening?"

I thought about this before I answered. Of course, I wanted to deny any knowledge of the phone call, but Adam isn´t stupid and neither am I. Plus, he hates when one of us tries to dodge responsibility for something. And he didn´t sound or look particularly mad or anything.

"I think so…" I said slowly. I suddenly found it difficult to look at him.

"I think so, too," he said.

I waited for him to send me to my room or start lecturing me or something. But he didn´t.

"I need a little time to think. We´ll pick this up on Sunday after church," he said.

He grabbed the bowl of popcorn and made a move to round through to the living room. I hesitated, confused as to whether Adam was angry at me or not.

He motioned his head in the direction of the living room.

"Come on, Heidi," he said, kindly.

So we went back into the living room. When Guthrie and Ford saw us coming back through with popcorn, they got up and scrambled to grab a handful from the bowl. Adam held the bowl up high out of reach.

"Just a minute, you little vultures!" he said, chuckling.

He sat back down on the couch and took the three bowls from me that I had carried into the living room. He set them down on the coffee table and then filled each one with popcorn.

"One for you, and you, and you," he said, distributing the bowls to each of us. He sat back on the couch with the large bowl which still held vast quantities of popcorn.

"And the large bowl for me!" he said, laughing mock evilly. We giggled at his teasing and clambered all over him to grab some more.

The rest of the evening was fun. Adam didn´t say another word to me about the phone call and he didn´t act as though he were angry at me either. Guthrie and I sat with him on the couch to watch the rest of the movie, mainly so we could steal more popcorn, and he was teasing and warm to us both. The same at bedtime.

I was relieved of course, not to have Adam hollering at me, or punishing me, but I was also confused. Was I in trouble or not?

/

Evan was bombarded with questions the next morning at breakfast about the dance, mainly from Ford, me and Guthrie as Daniel was still away at his friend´s house. I wanted to know about the music and the decorations and what the girls were wearing. Being friends with Olivia had awakened an aesthetic quality in me.

"What was Cassidy´s dress like?" I asked him.

"I dunno… I didn´t really notice. It was blue I think," he said.

"K, well how did she have her hair?" I said, frustrated that Evan hadn´t paid more attention.

"It was up, I think."

"But up how? Was it braided? Was it fancy? Did she wear it in a ponytail?"

Evan looked at me strangely. "I dunno, Heidi! It was just up!"

I huffed. "Didn´t you look at her at all?"

"Sure I did! I just noticed she looked real pretty. That´s it!" Evan said.

Adam and Brian chuckled.

I shook my head in despair. Boys were useless.

"Did you kiss her?!" Ford asked then, which surprised me because it was a very un-Ford like question.

Evan shrugged but he looked very pleased with himself.

Guthrie made kissing noises. "Evan and Cassidy sitting in a tree. G-

"A gentleman never tells, right Brian?" Evan said, looking at Brian across the table.

Brian nodded. "Absolutely."

/

The morning was spent doing chores. Guthrie and I cleaned out Splotch´s hutch and then he helped me with the chicken coop. We spent about 30 minutes trying to train Splotch to stand up on two legs by using bits of dry food, and it appeared as though we were getting somewhere. I told Guthrie about Mrs Whitby calling the house. He had been so tired when Adam had put us to bed the night before that he had fallen asleep on Adam while he was reading to us, so I hadn´t had a chance to talk to him yet.

"Oh man. She did? That sucks," Guthrie said, looking at me wide eyed and pausing from holding food up high above Splotch´s head.

"I know," I said glumly.

"Is Adam really mad? he asked.

"I don´t think so… I mean I don´t know."

Guthrie wrinkled his nose. "You don´t know?"

"No… he didn´t yell or anything. He just said we would talk about it after church on Sunday."

"Huh… weird," Guthrie said.

"Yea…"

"I`ll stick up for you. If they say you have to move, I´ll say I refuse to go to school," Guthrie said, ever loyal.

I smiled sadly at him. "Thanks, Guth."

/

After an early lunch, I got changed to get ready to go to Olivia´s. Brian took me there. I kept expecting him to say something about Mrs Whitby´s phone call, but he didn´t. I figured Adam hadn´t said anything to him yet. I told him about Guthrie and me trying to train Splotch how to do tricks. He laughed and told me about how he and Adam had had a pet gerbil, ´Zoom´ when they were around my and Guthrie´s age and how they had trained it to sit on their shoulder.

"Mom hated that thing!" he said, laughing at the memory. "She hated anythin´ rodent-like with a tail."

I hung on to every word he said, just like I always did when one of my brothers was talking about a memory about parents. "Didn´t mama mind you having it?" I asked.

Brian shook his head. "Nah, she just warned us not to let it loose in the house, which of course then we did. One time, mom found him in one of the laundry basket: you shoulda heard the screams! She was chasin´ it round with a broom."

I giggled. I loved hearing about when my oldest brothers were little and the scrapes they got into. It was strange to me that my brothers had known a completely other life as kids.

At my request, Brian continued to tell me stories about his childhood until we arrived at Olivia´s house. I was a bit apprehensive to see Violet because it would be the first time she had seen me after the pierced ears affairs. But she didn´t even mention it- she greeted me warmly and complimented me on my haircut. I updated Olivia on the fact that Mrs Whitby had called the house but then moved on quickly. It was raining fairly heavily outside, and while that didn´t bother me at all as I was used to being outside in all weather, Olivia really hated the rain, so we played inside. Olivia had a water color set for kids so we painted for a while, and then we watched a movie I had never seen before: ´Mary Poppins´ about an English nanny who arrives at the house of a family in London to look after two children. I was excited to see that it had the same actor in it that played in ´Chitty Chitty Bang Bang´, but of course Olivia already knew this. Olivia had seen the movie dozens of times before. I found it absolutely entrancing: the songs and the costumes and oh the accents! Plus, Olivia´s family had a color TV so we got to watch it in its full splendor. I made a mental note to ask my brothers for the tape for Christmas.

I lay back from where I was sitting on one of Olivia´s massive couches.

"I wonder what London is like," I said.

"Oh, it´s pretty. But really busy and crowded too," she said.

I sat up. "Have you been?!" I asked her.

"Sure! We went last Christmas, for my mom´s birthday."

"Do people talk like Mary Poppins? Or like Bert?"

Olivia looked thoughtful. "A bit of both really. Depending on where you go."

The two of us did impressions of the accents until we were rolling about laughing.

"I wish you could stay over," Olivia said.

"Me too. But Adam says we all need to get up early for church tomorrow."

"That´s too bad. Maybe he´ll change his mind if you ask him again. That´s what I do when my parents say no. Eventually, if Ella and me nag enough, they give in. You can call him from here," she said.

I shook my head vehemently. "No way. Adam´s not like that. Or Brian. They get real mad if I ask them twice about something they´ve already said no to," I said, thinking that I didn't need to give Adam any more reason to be mad at me after Mrs Whitby´s phone call.

Then, I persuaded Olivia that it would be fun if we could go outside into the rain and pretend to be Mary Poppins with umbrellas. She took a bit of convincing but we suited up and went outside. We borrowed two huge umbrellas from Olivia´s parents and acted out the part where Mary Poppins lands in from the sky by jumping off the front steps of the house onto garden, and then we acted out and sang some of the songs.

That's what we were doing when Brian arrived to pick me up late afternoon. He got out the truck and smiled at us, as he walked up the front path.

"What are you two girls doing?" he said, looking amused and a bit puzzled.

"We´re acting out bits from Mary Poppins!" I said.

"Mary who?"

"Mary Poppins! She´s only the world´s best English nanny, Bri!" I said.

Brian looked completely lost. "I´ll take your word for it."

/

On the way home, Brian told me there was surprise at the house. I quizzed him all the way home but he just told me to wait and see. As soon as we pulled up, I hopped out the truck and ran into the house, eager to find out what the surprise was. I let the screen door clatter behind me as I threw open the front door. There, sitting on the couch, surrounded by a rapt audience of Daniel to Guthrie was Hoops Hughes. Hoops was one of Adam´s really good friends from high school who now played professional basketball for the Philadelphia 76ers. We only saw him once every couple of years when he came back home to visit his parents, but us kids all adored him because he was really attentive to us when he came over and he was a lot of fun.

"Hoops!" I yelled, running up to him to give him a hug.

He hugged me back and then pushed me out to look at me. "Hells bells! You can´t be the same little Heidi that I saw the last time I was here. You´re all grown up."

I giggled, a little embarrassed. I´ve always had a sort of crush on Hoops.

"You interrupted Hoops mid flow- he was giving us the inside scoop on the rest of the team," Evan complained, echoed by the others.

"Oops, sorry!" I said and settled down at Hoops´s feet to hear him talk.

Daniel and Evan launched question after question at him and Hoops answered patiently. He was a natural born storyteller. Presently, Adam came out of the kitchen and called us all to supper. Hoops stayed too and all of us were delighted when he teased Adam in a way that none of the rest of us could get away with.

After supper, Adam announced that he and Hoops were going out for the evening.

"Can I come with?" Guthrie asked.

Adam smiled gently at him. "Not this time, buddy. Stay here with Brian and help him keep everythin´ under control."

"But I want to spend more time with Hoops!" Guthrie said.

"I´m here for a week- you´ll see me again," Hoops assured him which assuaged Guthrie.

"How come you get to go out the night before church, but the rest of us can´t?" Daniel asked moodily. Clearly, his plans had also been curtailed by a promise of church the next morning.

Adam pinned him with a look. "Because I´m the boss," he said.

/

I found church the next morning extra boring because I got sandwiched in between Adam and Brian, so I couldn´t even have a giggle at places. The pastor droned on and on and my mind drifted away to think about the fact that Adam had said we would talk about Mrs Whitby´s phone call after church. I was starting to feel nervous, even though he hadn´t acted as though he were angry at me.

When we got home, we had lunch and then my brothers scarpered away to do their own thing as Adam and Brian were on dish duty. I decided that I would sit and do my homework to get it out the way. I planned to complete all of it since I knew that now that Adam knew about what I had been up to in the week, he or Brian would check to see if I had finished it.

I sat there at the table, working quietly while my two oldest brothers talked among themselves while they did the dishes about things to do with the ranch. When they were done, the two of them came and sat down at the table across from me.

I looked up. It was like facing a jury.

"Doin´ homework?" Adam asked.

I nodded. "Yep."

"Were you plannin´ on doing all of it?" Brian asked.

I colored red a little, knowing that Adam had filled him in. "Yes, Bri," I said.

"I think now would be a good time to talk about your behavior this week in school," Adam said quietly.

I didn´t say anything; I just continued to write in some numbers on my math worksheet.

"Put your pencil down and look at us," Brian said.

I did as I was told. I felt like this was going to be a double act kind of inquisition. Kind of like good cop, bad cop, except there was no good cop.

"Are you really mad at me?" I asked in a small voice.

"Well… I can´t say we´re happy about the information Mrs Whitby gave me on the phone about how you´ve been actin´ this week," Adam said, "But mostly, both of us are wonderin´ why you felt you had to act that way."

"Because! You guys were going to make me move classes and I don´t want to move out the third grade!" I burst out, feeling scared and emotional.

"Make you? I don´t recall sayin´ you had to do anythin´. Do you recall that, Brian?" Adam said.

Brian shook his head. "Nope. What I recall is us tellin´ Heidi that we´d talk more about Mrs Whitby´s suggestion." He fixed me a stern look. "Isn´t that what we said, Heidi?"

"Well, yea…" I said. "But you´re always making me do things I don´t want to do. So, I just thought…"

Adam raised his eyebrows. "We are? And what kinds of things are those?"

"You know… go to the dentist… go to church…eat Brussel sprouts," I said.

It appeared to me like Adam and Brian found my answer amusing but they tried to hide it.

"This is a bit different from those things, Heidi. I´m disappointed you felt like you had to act out. Like you couldn´t come to us and talk about your feelins´," Adam said. "Do you really think we wouldn´t listen to you?"

Oh great. A guilt trip. That was the surest way to make me sorry for what I´d done.

I shrugged. "It´s just you always say how important education is…"

"That´s true," Brian said. "Mom and dad drummed that into us and we want to pass that on to you guys. Especially as you´re so smart. You´ve got a bright future ahead of you, Heidi. We want to make sure you have all the opportunities you need. Like mom and dad would have done too."

"But we wouldn´t make you feel uncomfortable in school to do that," Adam said.

Brian murmured his assent.

I didn´t say anything. I didn´t know what to say, really. I was feeling really badly. I picked my nails for a second and then I look up and said, "Are you going to punish me?"

But Adam ignored that question when he said, "I want you to tell us why what you did was wrong."

"Because I should have come to you and Brian and told you how I was feeling, instead of acting out in class," I said, immediately.

"Yes… you should. But I want you to think carefully about the impact of your actions."

I sat and thought about it. But sitting there, I couldn´t see how my actions had impacted anyone but me, and I told my brothers so.

"Well, what about Mrs Whitby? How do you think she might have felt when you were pretendin´ that you didn´t understand somethin´ and she had to spend time explainin´ it to you when she suspected you were makin´ it up?" Brian said.

"Angry, I guess… and frustrated maybe," I said.

"Frustrated why?" Adam said.

I thought some more. "Because I guess I wasted her time," I said, sighing.

"Right. And how do you think the other kids in the class might have felt when they saw you doin´ that. The ones who actually really needed Mrs Whitby´s help?

Ok, now I was feeling really bad. "I guess angry and frustrated too," I said, starting to cry a little. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hands.

"We know you didn´t mean to hurt anyone, Heidi," Brian said then. "But actions have consequences. Even if we can´t think about them at the time."

I nodded, sniffling. "I´m sorry," I said.

Both my brothers were looking at me a bit kindlier now.

"Are you going to punish me?" I asked again.

"I think you understand why what you did was wrong, right?" Adam said.

I nodded.

"What should you have done then?"

"Come to you and Brian and talked about it."

"That´s right. We´ll always listen to you, Heidi."

I pulled my legs up on the chair and hugged them to my chest. "Do you promise I don´t have to move then?" I said.

Adam nodded. "I promise that if you feel that strongly about it then we´ll find another solution," he said.

I started crying properly then. Tears of relief. Brian got up and fetched me some tissues.

"Do we need to monitor your homework from now on? Or has this little plan run its course?" Adam said.

"I´ll do all my homework from now on. I promise," I said.

I think they believed me because I had always been so good and faithful about completing it. They knew that it wasn´t really in me to skip bits of it normally: I´m somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to school.

"Alright. We have a meeting with Mrs Whitby tomorrow after school to talk about all of this. So I want you to sit here and write a letter of apology to her. About why what you did was wrong and then the reasons why you don´t want to move classes."

"Ok, I said, still sniffling."

"There´s something you need to do first, though," Brian said. He looked at Adam and they seemed to communicate with their eyes.

"That´s right," Adam said solemnly.

"What is it?" I asked, looking at them worriedly.

Both of my brothers smiled softly at me and then Adam said, "Come around here and give us a great big hug."

I couldn´t get there quick enough.

 **Happy new year to you all! May your 2019 be peaceful and blessed.**


	25. The options

The next day I gave my letter to Mrs Whitby before class. Adam had read and approved of it the day before. I had tried to get out of giving it to her- it´s embarrassing to have to give your teacher an apology letter. But Adam had said that it was non-negotiable and not to ask again.

"Do the time, pay the crime," he´d said. I wanted to point out that those words didn´t make any sense in this context since I wasn´t doing any ´time´ in the form of grounding or anything, but I thought it would be wise to keep these thoughts to myself.

Anyway, I wanted to make sure I gave Mrs Whitby my letter before the rest of the kids arrived in the classroom because then they´d ask me about it and it would be extra embarrassing. So I quickly told Olivia in the yard what I was planning to do since Guthrie already knew and then I headed inside.

Mrs Whitby was sitting at her desk eating a bowl of cereal when I came into the room. She looked surprised to see me there.

"Heidi!" she said, looking at her watch, "Do I have the time wrong or something?"

"No, ma´am. I just came to give you something," I said.

Mrs Whitby put down her spoon and pushed her half-eaten bowl to one side. She gestured to it with a sheepish smile. "I didn´t have time to eat breakfast this morning."

I smiled politely and approached her desk.

"This is for you," I said, putting the letter down in front of her.

Mrs Whitby picked it up but didn´t unfold it. "I see. What is it?"

"It´s a letter of apology for my behavior last week," I said, blushing a bit. "Adam said I should write it."

"Aha."

She unfolded the letter and started reading.

"I also included the reasons I don´t want to move classes," I added then.

Mrs Whitby didn´t respond to that. I shifted on my feet a bit as I watched her face while she read the letter, trying to work out what she was thinking, but her expression remained pretty impassive. It didn´t take her so long to read it. Then she folded it back up and laid it back down on the desk.

"Thank you for your apology, Heidi. That was nice of you and I accept it," she said smiling at me.

I smiled back at her.

"And I understand your reasons for wanting to stay. We´ll talk about it later when we have a meeting with your brother, okay?"

I nodded.

"Why don´t you go on back outside now until it´s time for first period. You can leave your bag here if you want," she said.

"Okay."

I walked to my desk and left my bag on my chair and then walked to the door. As I was leaving, I glanced back at Mrs Whitby one last time. She had resumed eating her cereal and had her spoon in one hand, and my letter in the other. It appeared she had unfolded it and was reading it again. Then I saw her shake her with a smile and fold the letter back up again.

/

I was on pretty much my best behavior the rest of the day. And by that, I mean that I didn´t pretend that I didn´t understand something. I worked quietly and diligently and gave the correct answers when Mrs Whitby called on me.

My meeting with Adam and Mrs Whitby wasn´t until 30 minutes after school finished so Guthrie and I hung out in the playground with some other kids instead of getting the school bus home like we usually did. Adam arrived 10 minutes early and we met him at the entrance to the school gates. He greeted us and then he asked us how our days were.

"Fine. The usual," Guthrie said, shrugging.

Adam looked at me pointedly. "What about you?" he asked me.

"It was ok. I gave Mrs Whitby my letter this morning. She said she accepted my apology."

"Good," said Adam.

We started walking, the three of us, back into the school grounds and across the playground to the main door.

"Adam, can Guthrie come to the meeting too?" I asked. The two of us had spoken earlier about whether Guthrie could be there or not. I wanted him there for support, and I guess he wanted to be there to stick up for me.

Guthrie looked up at Adam. "Yea, can I?"

Adam frowned. "No, guys. It´s not appropriate for Guthrie to be there this time," he said.

"Who´ll stick up for Heidi, then?!" Guthrie said.

Adam stopped and crouched down in front of us so he was eye level with us.

"Believe it or not Guth, I am on Heidi´s side here," he said with a teasing smile. "It´s sweet that you want to protect your sister, but I promise I´ll take care of her."

"Okay," Guthrie said, his face breaking out in a smile too.

Adam patted him on the cheek. "Wait around here for us," he said.

Guthrie gave me a supportive look before he turned around and ran off to talk to some kids in our class who were still waiting around in the playground.

I followed Adam up the steps to the main door of the school building. He held the door of the building open for me and then followed me inside. Together we walked towards the classroom. I was suddenly having an attack of nerves and started chewing one of my nails as we walked. Adam reached out and took my hand away from my mouth- both Adam and Brian hate it when I chew my nails. He kept hold of my hand as we walked towards the classroom. Just as we approached the door of the classroom, which was pulled closed, he squeezed my hand reassuringly.

He looked down at me and smiled. "Ready?" he said.

I nodded.

Adam knocked on the door lightly and then opened it, ushering me inside in front of him. Mrs Whitby was sitting at her desk again but she got up when we entered. I noticed that she had put make up on in the time between class finishing and now- quite a lot by the looks of it. She was even wearing bright pink lipstick. It made her look very pretty I supposed.

She greeted us both warmly and then shook Adam´s hand. She had pulled two adult sized chairs into the room, rather than the kids chairs we sat in during the day. They sat on the opposite side to her desk. Adam and I both sat down in them, facing Mrs Whitby.

Mrs Whitby cleared her throat, "Thank you for coming today to talk about this," she said to Adam.

"Of course. We just want to try to find a good solution for Heidi," he said.

Mrs Whitby turned to me. "This meeting is about you, Heidi. So I´m going to talk directly to you, rather than to your brother about you. Is that ok with you both?"

I nodded and Adam said, "That's fine with me."

Mrs Whitby smiled and then carried on. "I want to thank you again for your apology letter. It´s good to see that you understand how harmful your actions were, both to you and to others in the class."

I felt my face warm a little. "Yes, ma´am," I said.

"And I trust that we won´t have any more issues with your homework either?"

"No ma´am."

"Good. Because you´re a very clever girl, Heidi. You´ve got a quick mind and you´re able to understand difficult concepts easily and make connections between things. I´ve been teaching for a while now, and you´re easily one of the brightest, if not the brightest student I´ve ever taught," she said.

I didn´t really know how to respond to that- I mean what are you meant to say when someone says something like that to you?

I settled with a "Thank you" and glanced at Adam. He looked a little surprised.

"Having the gift of a quick mind is a great privilege, Heidi," Mrs Whitby continued. "I want to make sure you reach your potential and I can see that third-grade material is way too easy for you, which is why I suggested to your brother that we consider moving you up to the fourth grade."

"I don´t want to, though," I said.

"I know you don´t, and I understand from your letter the reasons that you don´t want to as well. So that leaves us with a couple of options. Are you ready to hear them?"

"Yes," I said.

I didn´t really like the intensity with which Mrs Whitby was looking at me; I felt like I was being examined. I guess I have must have slumped down a bit in my chair because I heard Adam say quietly, "Sit up properly please, Heidi."

I straightened up. Mrs Whitby smiled at Adam- perhaps in thanks- and then continued.

"One option would be that you do fourth grade work in class sitting here with the rest of us. I could give you the textbooks and the worksheets, but you would need to teach yourself because I´ll be busy teaching the third-grade material to the rest of the class. It would only be for math and Science as you´re already in the advanced readers programme. The rest of the subjects, you can cover third grade material with the rest of the class."

"Presumably she´d have different homework from the rest of the class then for math and Science?" Adam said then.

"Yes. And of course, then the problem arises in fourth grade when Heidi has covered the material already and so her next teacher would need to give her fifth grade material and so on," Mrs Whitby said.

Adam nodded in understanding.

"The other thing I wanted to tell you about is about a programme for gifted children your age, Heidi. It takes place in one of the high schools in Sonora on a Saturday morning from 9am-12pm. Kids come from all over the county to take part. The next session doesn´t start until after the Thanksgiving break, but I´ve already inquired about it and they have space for you if wanted to go."

I looked at her in absolute horror.

"I´m not going to school on a Saturday!" I said.

"It´s not regular school: it´s more like workshops. It´s held in high regard- kids really enjoy going there," Mrs Whitby said.

"But… But it´s Saturday!" I spluttered. "No. No way am I going to school on a Saturday!"

"Heidi," I heard Adam say.

That´s all he said. But when I looked at him, I could see by the expression on his face and from the tone that he has said my name that he was warning me to reign myself in.

Mrs Whitby was looking at me in surprise. She had never seen the side of me that could get really worked up about things- I was always polite and respectful in school. But really, there was no way in hell that I was going to school on a Saturday.

I folded my arms and sat back in my chair moodily.

"Does it cost anything?" Adam asked.

Mrs Whitby nodded and then handed Adam a brochure. "All the details are in here."

For once, I hoped that it would be too expensive for us to afford it. There wasn´t a lot of extra money kicking around our house at any given time.

"I´m going to assume from the way you´re reacting that you don´t like the sound of what I´ve just told you," Mrs Whitby said to me then.

I looked at Adam for permission to speak freely. He nodded at me.

"It´s just that I don´t know why I have to do anything different. Why can´t I just stay in the third grade and learn third grade stuff like everyone else? I feel like I´m being punished! I don´t want to be different!" I said. I could feel myself getting really upset now.

Mrs Whitby and Adam exchanged a look that adults do sometimes when kids are being challenging or unreasonable about something.

"This doesn´t have to be looked at as a punishment, Heidi. This is an opportunity. You´re capable of doing great things," Mrs Whitby said. But when I looked at her doubtfully she said, "Look, nothing needs to be decided right now. Why don´t you take some time to think about it and talk about your options with your brother."

"Okay," I said although I already knew what I thought.

"Heidi, go on outside and sit with Guthrie for a few minutes while I finish up talkin´ to Mrs Whitby," Adam said then.

I obeyed him and said goodbye to Mrs Whitby who smiled at me kindly on my way out.

I didn´t seek Guthrie out though. I sat on the bottom of the front stairs leading up to the main entrance to the school with my chin in my hands and just thought about the options Mrs Whitby had given me. I didn´t like either of them. Having to teach myself didn´t sound like too much fun and I definitely wasn´t going to agree to go to Saturday school.

I was still mulling it over when Adam came out the building not much later. He sat down next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him.

"I know you´re not happy about what you heard, but that´s why we´re both going to take some time to think about what Mrs Whitby said before we discuss it. And I´ll talk to Brian too, alright?"

"Okay… I said," looking at the floor.

Adam nudged my chin up with the crook of his index finger so I was looking at him. "I promise we´ll talk about it and I´ll listen to you. I don´t want you obsessin´ over this now, or concoctin´ any harebrained scheme to counter what your teacher said. Are we clear?" he said. He looked really serious about what he was saying.

"I guess so," I said.

Adam raised his eyebrows. "Try that again."

I sighed heavily. "Yes Adam, we´re clear."

Adam stood up then. "Let´s go and find Guthrie and go home."

/

We found Guthrie in the back ballcourt kicking a ball around with Michael Ikerson who was in our class. He had been in our class since the first grade, but he was really quiet and I couldn´t ever remember having a conversation with him. Thinking about it though, I had seen him playing soccer with Guthrie and some of the other boys over the past few weeks at school.

Adam rounded Guthrie up and we headed towards the car which was parked on the street outside the school. Guthrie and I walked a little behind Adam. We normally couldn´t keep up with him anyway because he was so tall and had a long stride.

"How did it go?" Guthrie said to me quietly.

"They want me to go to school on a Saturday!" I whispered.

Guthrie´s eyes widened in disgust. "Ugh!" he said.

"I know. I´ll tell you all about it later, when we´re alone."

We had reached the jeep by now. Normally Guthrie and I argued over who got to ride up front, but this time, Guthrie let me sit there without a fight. I was quiet as we drove along, but Guthrie talked to Adam all about his day.

"Adam, can I invite Michael to the ranch one night this week after school?" he said as we were getting closer to home.

Adam looked at Guthrie in the rearview mirror. "Sure, Guth. You know you don´t need to ask to have friends over."

I turned around to look at Guthrie in surprise. "Really, Guth?"

Guthrie looked at me defensively. "Yea. What´s wrong with Michael?"

"Nothing. It´s just that he´s so quiet! I think I´ve heard him say about three sentences in the whole time we´ve been at school."

"Nah, Michael´s cool when you get to know him." Guthrie said.

"Well in any case, Michael´s welcome anytime," Adam said.

/

When we reached the long driveway to our ranch, we saw Evan working with Diablo in the pasture. Ford was there too, sitting on the fence and hanging out with him. They both waved to us in greeting as we drove up.

"Let´s go and see Splotch," I said to Guthrie as we got out the car.

"Come inside and change your clothes first," Adam said.

"What´s that noise?" Guthrie said as the three of us headed up to the house.

There was indeed, a cacophony of sound coming from the house. If you could call it that. It sounded like a multitude of string instruments being tuned at once and the crashing of drums.

"Beats me," Adam said, looking puzzled.

"What a racket!" I said.

As the three of us entered the house, we were met with the sight of Daniel and three other boys his age, or perhaps slightly older, with a variety of instruments strewn across the living room. Including a drum set. One of the boys was dressed like Daniel, in jeans and a T-shirt, but the other two had more of a laidback look: one of them had long hair down to his chin and the other one´s hair had been dyed green. You could tell they weren´t ranch kids.

Daniel´s back was to us as we entered the house but the boy with long hair nodded at Adam and said, "Hey man."

Guthrie and I looked at each other and then tried not to laugh as we watched Adam take in the scene before us.

"Uh… Daniel," Adam said, loudly.

Daniel turned around. "Oh hey, Adam," he said nonchalantly, as though bringing a bunch of kids home and setting up shop in the living room was something he did every day.

"What´s going on here?" Adam said.

"Me and the guys here are starting a band. The Juggernauts," said Daniel. "No one else had enough space in their house for us to practice, so I said we could have our headquarters here."

"Thanks man," the boy with the long hair said to Adam.

"Yea, and cool farm," said the green haired boy.

"It´s a ranch," Adam said.

The green haired boy shrugged. "Whatever."

"How did you get the drums here," Adam asked, sounding a bit shell shocked.

Daniel pointed to the boy with green hair. "Frankie´s here brother dropped them off in his van. Cool, huh?!"

He turned away again and said something to the boy dressed like him.

Adam looked lost for words. He turned and headed towards the kitchen. Guthrie and I followed him thoroughly amused. It wasn´t often that you saw Adam speechless.

Brian was in the kitchen at the stove, making preparations for supper later.

He grinned when he saw us. "I take it you´ve met the other members of ´The Juggernauts´," he said.

Adam flopped down on one of the chairs at the table.

"He could have asked before makin´ this the band´s _´headquarters,´_ " he said, air quoting the last word.

"You said in the car just now that we didn´t need to ask before bringing friends home," Guthrie pointed out.

I giggled.

Brian looked at Adam in amusement as if to say, ´What´s your comeback to that one?´

Adam ran a hand over his face. "But I didn´t mean…yea… I guess I did say that, Guth."

Brian laughed outright then and slapped Adam on the back. He opened the fridge and pulled out a can, thrusting it into Adam´s hand.

"Here brother, have a beer."


	26. Never a dull moment

Soon after we got home, Adam sent Guthrie and me upstairs to change our clothes and then told us to go and do our chores outside. We were happy to oblige, if only to get away from the noise Daniel´s bandmates were making inside the house. Guthrie went to tend to the goats and I went to feed the chickens, spending some time with Polly who seemed keen for some love and attention. I had been neglecting her a bit since we had gotten Splotch. I decided to try socializing them again, and grabbed them both, toting them to a patch of grass outside the pen. I sat down and cuddled them both, one in each arm, talking to them and telling them how much I loved them. When Guthrie was done with the goats, he came and sat next to me. He took Splotch from me, cradling her against him, stroking her soft ears and crooning to her. Guthrie could be even soppier than me at times.

"So, what did they say in the meeting, then? he asked finally, drawing his attention away from Splotch.

I sighed dramatically and lay down on my back, maneuvering Polly so that she was standing on my chest. "Mrs Whitby said that I could teach myself fourth grade math and Science during class, but that I could stay in the third grade."

"That doesn´t sound so bad!" Guthrie said.

"Urgh! It´s boring, Guth! And she mentioned this Saturday school thing to Adam."

Guthrie looked at me with pity. "That´s too bad."

"I am NOT going to school on a Saturday, Guthrie," I said, vehemently, prompting Polly to squawk and half fall, half fly off my chest.

"Did Adam say you had to go?" Guthrie asked, putting a now fidgeting Splotch down on the grass beside us.

"No. He said he would talk to Brian and that we´d both think about it and talk about it another time."

"Well then. Just tell them you don´t want to," Guthrie said.

"I will. But you know what they´re like sometimes."

I was starting to feel irritated again, even though Guthrie hadn´t done anything to make me feel that way. Although Adam had told me not to obsess about it, the whole situation was really bothering me. "I don´t want to talk about it anymore," I said, grumpily, sitting up.

Guthrie, used to my moods, didn´t take offence. "Ok."

He rolled onto his stomach and put his chin his hands, looking up at me. We talked about other things like the fact that it was only 9 days until Crane came home for Thanksgiving break and what we were going to get Brian for his upcoming birthday which would be the following week.

"Any ideas on what we could get him?" Guthrie said.

I made a face. Adam and Brian were really difficult to buy presents for because they always said they didn´t need anything.

"I dunno," I said. "Let´s ask Adam, later."

The two of us played a bit more with Splotch then, not really talking about anything in particular, but resuming our training of her. We managed to get her to stand on her back two legs by offering her treats and then we put her back in the chicken pen to roam around there and headed to the house. When we got there, Daniel and his band friends were still in full command of the living room.

Both Guthrie and I stood by the front door watching them.

"Is there something you need, guys?" Daniel said, pausing from strumming on his guitar.

"Can we watch you?" I said.

Daniel looked at the other guys and they shrugged as if to say they didn´t care, so the two of us sat on the bottom stair and watched them practice. Well, I´m not sure if you could call it practicing really. The boy with green hair was still smashing about on the drums and the long-haired boy was quite aggressively strumming on a guitar, but Daniel and the boy dressed like him were scribbling away lyrics and chords on a song sheet. Every so often, the long-haired boy would butt in and argue vociferously that he didn´t like a certain chord or lyric. But from sitting there watching them, we found out that the boy with green hair was called Frankie, the boy with longer hair was JD, short for I don´t know what, and the boy dressed like Daniel was named Ben.

"Why don´t they just play songs they know?" I asked Guthrie, quietly.

"Beats me!"

It wasn´t too long later when Brian came through to the living room.

"Uh Danil, it´s nearly suppertime," Brian said, over Frankie´s smashing of drums. Frankie stopped immediately.

"That´s cool. I´m really hungry," he said.

"Yea," said JD, "I´m starving."

Brian raised his eyebrows at them. "Huh. So I take it you´re stayin´ for supper then?" he said.

"Yea, man," JD said. Ben didn´t really say anything, but he was looking interested.

I could tell that Brian didn´t really appreciate being called ´man´ when he said, "The name´s Brian."

JD shrugged. "Cool, man."

/

There were so many of us for supper that evening with Daniel and his bandmates and Adam´s friend Hoops who came for supper too, that we didn´t all fit around the table. Adam let Daniel and his friends take their plates into the living room while the rest of us ate at the table. It was as Daniel was filling his plate and about to cart it through to the living room to join the others who were already in there that Adam said quietly from his chair, "Uh Daniel, how long do you plan on having your bandmates here tonight?"

"I dunno, Adam. Until they want to go home I guess," Daniel said, warily.

Adam shook his head. "I don´t think so. You have your supper and then you tell them to get their parents or whoever to come get them."

"But we´re in the middle of writing a song!" Daniel protested.

"You´ve had all afternoon. You need to get your homework and evening chores done, plus the other kids need the house quiet to do their homework too."

"But Adam, we-"

"I´m not arguin´ about it, Daniel. If you don´t tell them, I will."

Daniel huffed a bit and muttered something under his breath that Adam chose to ignore if he did hear it. He stomped through to the living room.

"Is it always so crazy around here?" Hoops asked.

Adam took a sip of his second beer of the day. "Never a dull moment."

/

After supper, Adam and Brian went outside to take care of some evening chores while the rest of us did our homework although Daniel was late to start his because it took a while for the boys to get picked up. After we finished, Daniel had to do the chores he hadn´t done in the afternoon while Evan said he wanted to go and say goodnight to Diablo and Ford went with him. Guthrie and I went outside to say goodnight to Splotch and put her back in her hutch. It was cold outside though, so we didn´t stay there for long.

When we got back into the house, Hoops was still milling around and Guthrie and I found him in the living room watching the TV. We went and sat next to him, one on either side of him.

"Hoops, will you play a game with us?" Guthrie asked.

Hoops muted the TV to look at Guthrie. "What kind of game?

"I dunno. You choose," Guthrie said.

Hoops thought for a moment. "You got a deck of cards?"

"I think Brian´s got one," I said.

"Go get it for me and bring it back down here."

I ran upstairs and grabbed the deck of cards which was in one of Brian´s drawers in the dresser along with a whole bunch of what looked like junk.

When I came downstairs, I found Hoops and Guthrie at the kitchen table they were sitting facing each other.

I sat down and handed Hoops the deck of cards. He took them out the pack and shuffled them the way I had seen people do professionally on the TV.

"What we playing? I asked Hoops.

"Poker."

"We don´t know how to play poker," Guthrie pointed out.

"Then it´s time you learn."

Hoops proceeded to teach us about all the different hands and which ones were the best and then he made us do our best poker faces. I had quite a good one but Guthrie kept dissolving into giggles every time he tried to look neutral and serious. He was having one of his giggling fits when Adam came into the kitchen through the back door, rubbing his hands together against the cold.

He smiled at us. "What´s so funny?" he said.

"Hoops is teaching us how to play poker! Except Guthrie can´t do a poker face," I said, giggling at Guthrie´s giggling. We were both a bit giddy at this point.

"Poker, Hoops. Really?" Adam said, mock hitting Hoops upside the head.

Hoops ducked out the way. "Why not?"

"Because they´re 8!" Adam said.

"You´re never too young to learn," Hoops retorted.

"You´ve got them all riled up now, just before bedtime," Adam grumbled.

Hoops just smiled and winked at us. I liked him so much!

Adam clapped his hands together. "In any case, it´s time for you two to go to bed," Adam said to Guthrie and me. "Say goodbye to Hoops and go on up."

Guthrie gave Adam his most imploring look. "Please let us stay up a little while longer, Adam!"

"No. Mind me now."

"But we´re entertaining the company!" I said, gesturing to Hoops who laughed.

Adam however, did not. "One…"

Both my and Guthrie´s eyes widened with alarm. "Okay, okay, I´m going!" I said, jumping up from my chair, and Guthrie did the same.

"We´re going out now anyway," Hoops said to us in consolation as we gave him a hug goodbye.

"I guess we won´t see you again for a while," I said, sadly. We only saw Hoops once every 18 months to couple of years because of his constant travelling with his basketball team.

Hoops looked regretful. "Probably not, kiddo. But I´ll send you guys some postcards from where I am in the world. Would you like that?"

"Oh, yes!" I said, hugging him again. I was a very affectionate child, not with everyone, but with people that I really liked.

Guthrie hugged him too and then Adam and Hoops pulled on their coats to go out.

As Guthrie and I were heading up the stairs, I leaned over the banister, just as Adam and Hoops were heading out the door.

"Adam, will you continue teaching us how to play poker another time?" I asked.

"We´ll see," he said, and then they were gone.

"That means no," Guthrie grumbled. I had to agree.

I went for my shower first and brushed my teeth and then, while Guthrie was taking his turn in the shower, I read my library book to myself in bed while cuddling Rocket to me.

Brian popped his head round the door. "Ready for bed?"

"Yea. But Guthrie´s still in the shower," I said.

"Alright. I´ll come back in 10 minutes then. I need to get the others inside now," Brian said, already halfway out the door.

"Bri!" I said, calling out to him.

He popped his head back around the door. "Yea?"

"Come here." I patted to a spot on my bed. "I need to ask you something."

"Sound intriguing," he said, coming to sit on the spot I had directed him to.

"No… it´s not. It´s just Guthrie and I want to know what you want for your birthday.

Brian put his hand on my lower leg over the covers. "I don´t need anythin´," he said, getting up to walk away.

"But there must be something you want!"

"Nope!" Brian called, already in the hallway.

I considered this while reading my book and waiting for Guthrie to get out the shower. Brian, like Adam never asked for anything, unlike the rest of us who would make a list when it was our birthdays or Christmas. We all knew that money was tight in our house though, so we never asked for anything really expensive. I resolved I would talk to the others about it the following day. Daniel might have a good idea. Or Evan, or Ford who was very thoughtful about the kinds of gifts he would give.

Brian ended up coming back 20 minutes later- I guess it had taken longer to round up the others. By that time, I was already half asleep, exhausted from the day´s events. I didn´t take in much of the story because I was dozing in and out of consciousness. The last thing I remember is the covers being pulled up over me tighter and feeling a gentle kiss on my forehead.

/

The next day I decided to talk to the boys about Brian´s birthday as we all walked to the bus stop together to catch our respective buses to school.

"Maybe we could get him a new watch; he´s been talking about his broke," Ford suggested.

"Watches cost a lot of money, though," Daniel pointed out. "I don´t have much saved. What about you guys?"

"Don´t look at me!" Evan said. Evan was notoriously bad when he was younger for saving money because he didn´t have any patience to wait for the money to accrue.

Guthrie and I also shook our heads: the two of us got an allowance but it wasn´t very much and we generally spent it on candy and such, although I had in my mind to save more so I could buy some pretty hair barrettes like Olivia´s.

"What about the bank of Ford?" Daniel asked, referring to the fact that Ford was good at squirreling his allowance away and therefore was always the go to person if any of us younger kids needed to borrow some money.

Ford looked thoughtful. "I´ve got some… but it wouldn´t be enough to buy a watch."

"We could ask Adam," I suggested.

"Maybe…" Daniel said.

We fell into silence for a short moment, each of us thinking about the situation.

"What about giving him ´I owe you´ vouchers," Ford said suddenly.

Guthrie looked at Ford in confusion. "Huh? I don´t get it."

"Well… think about it. How many times does Brian ask us to do something and then one of us complains about it. What about if we give him vouchers saying things like ´I owe you one day of doing your chores´ or ´I owe you one day of doing the laundry´. Stuff like that. Then Brian can use them whenever he wants, and he gets a break."

"That´s a great idea, Ford," I said excitedly. And maybe we can make him a little book of them and I can design and color the front cover.

"But then we have to do more work around the ranch and house," Evan said, looking at us like we were crazy.

"That´s kind of the point, Evan," Daniel said, pushing him playfully. "It´s to give Brian a break."

"I´ll remind you of that when Brian cashes in one of his vouchers to you," Evan said, with a grin.

 **Eeek! Sorry it´s been a while since the last update. I went back to work full time and finding time to write has been difficult. Thanks for the engagement if you´re reading.**


	27. Chapter 27

It was settled by all of us that giving Brian a book of vouchers was the way to go for his birthday present. Daniel said the four of would need to have a short meeting one day after school to agree on the nature of the vouchers- he said we should only gift things we were actually prepared or old enough to do, otherwise there was no point.

"We can ask Adam if he wants to come in on it too!" Guthrie said.

"Adam's got enough to do without taking on some of Brian's work," Daniel pointed out. Guthrie conceded that this was probably true.

"Can I do all the art work for it?" I asked.

"Why does it need art work?" Evan said, cocking his head.

Honestly, he was such a boy about things. Everybody knew that pretty art work made things look more attractive and I told him so, haughtily.

Evan shrugged like he still didn't get the point of what I was talking about, but Daniel smiled at me and said, "Sure, Heidi. Knock yourself out."

The boys talked on then about other things until we got to the bus stop, but I wasn't listening. I was too busy thinking about the different designs I was going to do on Brian's vouchers. Perhaps Olivia could help too. I vowed to speak to her about it at school.

/

Mrs Whitby didn't mention anything at all during school that day about what we had talked about in the meeting the previous afternoon and I was glad. I planned to try to avoid the topic for as long as possible. I was able to put it out my mind because there was a lot coming up to look forward to. Brian's birthday would be the following Tuesday and Crane would come home the following Wednesday evening for Thanksgiving break. I loved birthdays, even those which weren't my own, and I loved Thanksgiving, possibly even more than Christmas. My brothers always tried to make birthdays and holidays special- they said our parents had done the same and they wanted to continue the tradition. Everyone was always in a good mood, and Brian would always go overboard with the amount of food he made. Traditionally, Ford and I helped him with preparing the Thanksgiving meal.

Olivia had a few good ideas about what I could draw on the front cover of Brian's voucher book and then she came home with me after school, along with Michael, Guthrie's new friend. At first, Olivia and I felt kind of awkward around him; he had been in class with Guthrie and me since the first grade, but he was so quiet that I had barely had a conversation with him. Guthrie kept up a steady stream of chatter all the way home though, and soon, Michael started pitching in. I found I really liked him- he had a good sense of humour.

As the four of us were walking up the middle of our long driveway towards our house, a horn tooted behind us. We moved to the side and a van rambled past. I spotted Daniel's face at one of the windows- he held his hand up in greeting to us. By the time we got to the house a couple of minutes later, Daniel and his bandmates were carting various instruments and kit into the house. There was an older boy there as well helping them- he looked maybe a little younger than Crane.

"Who are they?" Olivia whispered to me as we neared the house. She looked a little intimidated- I knew she wasn't used to being around so many boys. She had asked me once if I wished I had any sisters. I thought from time to time that it would be nice to have a sister, but I never really gave it much thought because I didn't know any different.

"It's Daniel's band members," I told her quietly, "They're called the Juggernauts. They've made our house their practicing headquarters. They just make a lot of noise if you ask me."

The boys finished unloading the van and then the older boy got back in the van and sped off. The four of us followed Daniel and his friends into the house.

There was no one inside which was surprising as Brian was usually there when we got home to greet us, before sometimes heading back out again on the ranch. The four of us giggled with each other, and messed around, taking advantage of the fact that no one was in and raiding the cookie jar. We took four cookies each. Brian could be relied on to give us two cookies instead of restricting it to only one, like Adam would, but he would have balked at four- he was always lecturing us not to spoil our appetites before supper. Instead of our customary glass of milk, we found some soda in the refrigerator and drank that, listening to the twangs and beats resounding from Daniel's band's efforts in the living room.

We were all sitting at the table, just finishing up with our cookies when we heard the back door swing open followed by heavy bootsteps and then Adam walked into the kitchen from the mudroom. He greeted us, and Olivia rewarded him with a huge smile. I knew from past discussions we had had that she liked Adam a lot. Guthrie introduced Michael to him, although Michael appeared to physically retreat into himself when Adam spoke to him. He couldn't meet Adam's eye when Guthrie introduced them.

"I guess Daniel has band practice here again, huh?" Adam said, turning to the sink and washing his hands.

Guthrie and I made noises of agreement. Adam finished washing his hands and dried them on a dishtowel, turning to face us. His gaze landed on the table which was peppered liberally with crumbs from our cookies- none of us had bothered to take a plate.

He grabbed a cloth from beside the sink and wet it.

"I see you've had your snack," he said, gesturing to the crumbed evidence. He handed me the cloth so that I could wipe down the table, but I didn't make any moves to do it.

"Yea," Guthrie said, "And now we're gonna go outside and play."

"Alright." Adam smiled at Olivia and Michael who were still seated next to each other at the table. "Are both of you stayin' for supper?"

"Yes please!" Olivia said, but Michael looked unsure. He blinked rapidly and his forehead puckered in worry.

"I don't know if it's okay with my mom," he said.

"You can use the phone and call home to check it's okay," Adam said, "But you'd better call from the upstairs phone and take into my room, since you won't be able to hear anythin' downstairs with the din from Daniel's band practice. Guth, why don't you show him?"

Guthrie tugged Michael's arm, "C'mon."

Michael and Guthrie headed out the kitchen and Adam opened the refrigerator door and just stood there, forehead creased, peering inside.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

Adam ran a hand through his hair like he does when he's tired or stressed sometimes. "Just decidin' what to cook for supper."

"Where's Brian?"

Adam held the refrigerator door open with his hand and looked at me and Olivia. "Wipe the table down please and wash up your glasses."

I got up and started wiping the table down, collecting the crumbs on the edge of the table in a mound and sweeping them into my hand like I had been taught to do. Adam went back to inspecting the contents of the fridge. I carried our empty glasses to the sink and started washing them up.

"Adam, where's Bri?" I asked again.

"He's out with a high school friend who's back in town for a couple of days," Adam said. He shut the refrigerator door, without having pulled anything out.

"So _you're_ cooking tonight?"

Adam was very good at making breakfast foods, but cooking supper wasn't his greatest strength.

I looked over at Olivia. "You may want to rethink staying for supper."

"Watch it missy!" Adam said, grabbing the dishtowel and aiming playfully for my butt, "otherwise you won't be havin' any."

I turned my head round and smiled cheekily at him. "That's ok, I'm already full of the cookies we ate."

Olivia giggled and Adam laughed too. He said something else to me, but he was drowned out by the crashing of drums which had started in full force now along with the strumming of guitar and Daniel's voice belting out the melody.

Adam frowned. "This is ridiculous!" I thought I heard him say before throwing down the dish towel and stalking into the living room. Olivia and I could hear him shouting over the noise before it stopped.

Olivia looked at me with wide eyes. "What's he going to do?" she asked me.

"I dunno. Probably talk to Daniel and ask them to stop."

Sure enough, only a couple of seconds later, Adam rounded back into the kitchen followed by Daniel complaining loudly.

"That's not fair, Adam!" Daniel said to Adam's back.

Adam turned around to face Daniel and put his hands on his hips.

"C'mon Daniel, be reasonable. All I've told you do to is to go and practice in the barn. You can be as loud as you want out there without disturbin' anybody."

"But then we have to move all our stuff! And we'll lose practice time!"

"You're wastin' time by arguin' with me now.

Daniel's face flushed with frustration. "But Adam, I-

"Adam, Michael's mom said he can stay for supper," Guthrie said, emerging suddenly from the living room in the kitchen, Michael in tow.

Adam's gaze shifted from Daniel's furious face to Guthrie and Michael. He smiled at them.

"Great. Now why don't the four of you go on outside and play now until supper," he said.

"But this looks really interesting!"

Adam's eyes narrowed.

"Guthrie, go."

I had finished washing the cups by now and was keen to avoid witnessing a Daniel/Adam showdown. I motioned to Olivia to follow me and then I practically pushed Guthrie out the kitchen towards the front door.

"And get your chores done before supper too!" Adam hollered after us.

"Let's go see Splotch!" Guthrie suggested before launching into a monologue directed at Michael about how we had acquired her.

"Wow…Adam can be kinda strict, huh?" Olivia said quietly to me as we walked behind Michael and a jabbering Guthrie.

I just smiled. "I told you."

/

Of course, Daniel and his band did end up out being relegated to the barn. Adam said they had to shut the door while they were practising and turn the horses out of the corral into the pasture so they didn't get spooked by the noise. The four of us made quick work of the chores and then we spent the afternoon first playing with Splotch, then climbing trees and then playing in our makeshift fort down by the creek- the one that Guthrie and I had built one afternoon in September when the weather was still warm. Michael warmed up again over the course of the afternoon and both Olivia and I whispered to each other that we actually really liked him. That made me glad because I thought that it would be fun for the four of us to hang out together more often.

Daniel's band mates ended up leaving before supper so there was enough room around the table for us all this time, including Michael and Olivia. Adam had decided to go with what he did best: cooking breakfast food. He made pancakes and omelettes and bacon, but he also made a salad- he and Brian always tried to include something green at supper time.

Evan and Ford grumbled about the supper menu, but Adam just laughed and said they could ask Brian to teach them how to cook so that they could take over the next time he was out. The mood at the table was loud and rowdy: even though Adam was talking to Olivia and me about upcoming Thanksgiving celebrations, I could still hear enough snippets of the other conversations to work out that Evan, Ford and Daniel were engaged in a conversation about rodeo and Guthrie and Michael were chatting about soccer.

And then, as Michael was passing the salad bowl up the table to Daniel, he knocked over his glass of milk. The liquid pooled out over the table. None of the rest of us reacted really, apart from Michael who jumped out of his seat as though he had been scalded. He dashed to the sink and grabbed a cloth, and then rushed back and tried to use the cloth to mop up the spilt milk.

"I'm so sorry!" he cried, "I'm really sorry. It was an accident! I didn't mean it!"

The table quietened, all our attention now on Michael. I was shocked to see that he had paled to an ashen white. He was shaking- it was evident that he was seconds away from full blown tears.

Olivia and I exchanged puzzled looks.

Guthrie tugged on Michael's arm. "It's ok- it's no big deal," he said, softly.

"Yea, chill; you don't have to get so het up about it," Evan said, eyeing Michael as though he were crazy.

Adam frowned at Evan- a look I recognized as designed to silence him. He got up and walked round to Michael's place and took the cloth from his shaking hands. He reached out to run his hand over Michael's hair, like he would do to one of us if we were upset about something, but Michael flinched, as though he expected Adam to hit him or something.

Adam's raised eyebrows told me he was surprised by Michael's reaction to him, but then he said, in the tone that he would talk to an injured animal, "Hey, it's alright. Guthrie's right- it's not big deal. In this house, we don't get through a meal without someone knockin' somethin' over or makin' a mess at the table.

Michael just looked up at him with wide eyes. "I'm really really sorry."

"It's only a tipped over glass- you're not in trouble. Alright?"

Michael nodded. His breathing started to regulate, and colour started to suffuse back into his cheeks. Adam smiled encouragingly at him. He quickly wiped up the spill from the table and then rinsed the cloth and wrung it out.

Michael sat back down at his place. He wouldn't look at any of us - it was like he was a turtle and he had snapped back into his shell.

Adam sat down in his place. None of us had started to talk again.

"You know what? Why don't we all have some ice cream for dessert?" Adam said brightly.

"I'll get it!" Guthrie said, springing up from the table.

"I'll help!" said Ford.

I felt my leg being kicked under the table and looked across at Olivia. She gave me a look as if to ask 'what was that about'?

I shrugged in response. I was dying to talk to her about it.

Why had Michael reacted like that over a dumb old glass of spilt milk?


	28. A sudden fit

Michael's mom and Olivia's dad came to pick them up soon after we finished supper and they arrived around the same time. The four of us were playing outside nearby while we waited when Olivia's dad arrived first and then stood chatting to Adam just outside our front gate when Michael's mom pulled up in a red van. I, of course, knew Olivia's dad from going to her house so often but this was the first time seeing Michael's mom. She was petite, with mousy brown wispy hair that covered her face and glasses. Michael looked like her in a way. And it was easy to see where he got his timidity and shyness from. Adam raised his hand in a greeting and both him and Olivia's dad gravitated over to the window of the van to say hello to her. But she didn't get out the car or anything- she stayed inside, and her eyes seemed to dart furtively around her as though she were looking out for something.

Michael's mom motioned to him and he looked at the three of us.

"Guess I'd better go. My mom's calling me. See you tomorrow," he said, and then without a glance behind him, he ran towards his mom's car.

Olivia, Guthrie and I watched him go in silence. We had been playing fine since supper, and Michael had recovered himself from his earlier panic, but there was a pall of awkwardness that hung over us a bit. I wanted to ask him why he had reacted that way to spilling a glass of milk at the table, but something inside me wouldn't let me, and I guess the others felt the same because none of us did. Now that he was gone, it would have been easy for us to discuss it, but again, none of us did.

It wasn't long after when Olivia's dad called her over and I went with her. Guthrie headed inside, presumably to get started on his homework. Olivia's dad put his arm around her and hugged her to him. Then he turned to me.

"And how are you, Miss Heidi?" he said.

I liked Olivia's dad. He was really nice, and I also thought he was handsome, so I smiled at him.

"I'm good, thank you. How are you?"

"Oh, I'm doing just fine…"

There was an awkward moment of silence you get when adults ask a question to a kid and then you don't really know how to carry on the conversation. Olivia's dad cleared his throat.

"Well, uh Heidi, Olivia here, and her mother and I have been talking, and we were wondering if you wanted to come to San Francisco with us one weekend in a couple of weeks. We normally visit family there, but that weekend we'll just be enjoying the city. We'd love you to come with us, if of course Adam agrees."

I looked at Olivia in surprise- she hadn't mentioned even an inkling of this to me, but now I saw that she was beaming. For my part, I was so excited. I had never travelled much of anywhere before and this opportunity sounded thrilling.

I tugged at Adam's shirt, a childish habit I hadn't quite let go of and looked up at him hopefully.

"Oh, Adam, can I please?"

Adam addressed Olivia's dad instead of me. "That's really kind of you," he said, "Which weekend are you thinking?"

"The one after next."

Adam looked thoughtful. "In theory, I don't have a problem with it, but I'll need to discuss it with my brother Brian. Can we get back to you?"

"Of course," said Olivia's dad, at almost the same time that I said, "How come?"

I was surprised. If it had been Brian, then he probably would have deferred to Adam on something like this as Adam was our legal guardian and normally had the last say, but I knew that Adam had the authority to allow me to go on the spot.

Adam ignored my question and then Olivia's dad said, "We think Heidi's a really great kid, so we'd love her to come along. Just let my wife know, okay?"

"I sure will, thanks Harry," Adam said.

Olivia and her dad headed towards their car then and I looked up at Adam again, confused and a bit irritated.

"How come, Adam?" I said again.

"How come what?"

"How come you need to talk to Brian about if I can go. Please please can I go?"

Adam shoved his hands in his pockets and turned to head back up to the house.

"We'll see," he said, non-committedly.

I ran after him, struggling to keep up with his long-legged pace.

"That means no!" I said, almost furiously. "Why can't I go, Adam?!"

Adam stopped walking and turned to face me, looking irritated, probably because of my tone of voice.

"I didn't say that you couldn't. I just said that Brian and I need to talk about it first."

"But what is there to talk about?!" I whined. I felt crushingly disappointed, as though Adam had already told me I couldn't go.

"Heidi, you are 8 years old. I just need a minute to think about whether to send you off with some people for an entire weekend to another city. Plus, there's your class to think about."

I stood in silence for a moment, trying to work out what class he could possibly mean that took place on the weekend, and then it dawned on me. He was talking about the class on Saturday that Mrs Whitby had talked about in the meeting the day before.

I was lost for words for a second, horrified that Adam was actually thinking of sending me there, and then I felt fury and shouted at him, "I am NOT going to school on a Saturday, Adam!"

Adam's expression morphed from irritated to downright pissed off.

"Since when is shouting at me acceptable, young lady?" he said sternly.

I recognised that look and that tone of voice and I knew it did not bode well for me, but I was so upset at him that I just burst into tears and then, instead of staying to talk to him about it, I turned and ran away from him towards the barn.

"Heidi! Come back here!" I heard Adam calling behind me, but I ignored him. I ran into the barn and up to the attic, throwing myself down in the hay crying and then wondering how I had managed to get myself in this position.

I imagined that Adam might follow me and either demand I come back to the house or hand down a punishment, but he didn't. It got colder outside, and darker, even though not so much time had passed. It got to the point where I really needed to pee, and I was worried about my homework, which I knew I had to get done before I went to bed, so after I was done crying, I climbed down from the barn attic and headed inside, my heart hammering inside my chest, knowing that I would have to face Adam and recompense for my behaviour.

I opened the front door quietly and slipped inside the house. No one was in the living room, but I could hear their voices from the kitchen where they were doing their homework. I didn't hear Adam though. I went quietly upstairs and used the bathroom and then I headed back downstairs and grabbed my bag which was by the front door so I could get out my homework. I took it into the kitchen, and sat down in my usual spot without saying anything or meeting anyone's eye.

"Well well, look what the cat's dragged in," said Evan. I wanted to kick him really hard, but of course I didn't. I just ignored him.

"Where you been? And why are your eyes so red?" Guthrie asked me. I could feel his eyes on me curiously, along with the stares of my other brothers, including Adam who was also sitting at the table and helping Ford with his math homework.

I shook my head at Guthrie as if to tell him that I'd tell him later. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Daniel smile sympathetically at me and mouth "You ok?"

I nodded at him and concentrated on getting my homework done, quietly.

The others made intermittent conversation. Evan complained about how much he hated Science and his teacher and Guthrie mentioned to Adam that he had another wobbly tooth.

"Oh yea? Which one?" Adam said, looking up from Ford's homework. Guthrie and I had most of our adult teeth by now, but we had a couple which were still due to fall out.

"This one," Guthrie said, pointing to one of his lower left teeth and wiggling it as if to prove a point.

"Good for you. I'm sure the tooth fairy will bring you somethin' when it falls out," Adam said.

"Oh, Aaadam!" Guthrie said, in a drawn-out way. He knew Adam was teasing him: both he and I knew now of course that the tooth fairy wasn't real, and neither was Santa.

Adam just laughed and then Guthrie smiled too.

I sneaked a glance at Adam and noticed he was looking really tired. He caught my seemingly not so furtive stare; I quickly looked away.

Since the boys had started their homework a good half hour before me, they finished before me too and started clearing out from the kitchen leaving just me in there. Surprisingly, Adam left with them, saying he was going outside to do some final nightly chores before telling Guthrie to go upstairs and take a shower.

I finished my homework quickly and then sat in my chair, contemplating for a moment. I had a sudden urge to make things right between Adam and me: I hated to be in him or Brian's bad books. I headed out the back door without even a coat for warmth in order to evade questions from my other brothers and then walked round to the front of the house, standing there for a moment, looking for any signs of Adam. It was dark now and I could see the lights in the barn were on, so I headed down there and as I got closer, I could see he was filling the water trough for the horses with the hose.

He turned it off as I approached him.

"What are you doin' out here, Heidi. You should be gettin' ready for bed," he said to me, not unkindly.

I shifted from one foot to the other, awkwardly. I wasn't very good at apologising. "I just wanted to say sorry for earlier."

"Adam put the hose down and put his hands on his hips. "What exactly are you sorry for? For back talkin'? For yellin' at me? Or for runnin' away from me?" he said quietly.

I knew that tone of voice and my heart thumped in my chest.

"For all three…" I croaked. "I got upset… because of Saturday school… you said that we would discuss it…"

"Uh huh. Well, we will discuss it. At no point did I say that you definitely had to go, did I, Heidi?"

I shook my head. "No…but that's what it sounded like…"

"It's just somethin' worth considerin'," he said then.

I wanted to tell him that no, it definitely wasn't worth considering, but self-preservation kicked in at that point.

"Sorry…" I said again, softly.

"Your reactions to things have been gettin' more and more dramatic lately, little girl and I don't like it. I've been very patient with you, but these sudden fits of temper have got to stop," Adam said regarding me sternly for a moment. Then he said, still quietly, "Come here."

I hesitated because I knew what that meant, but then Adam raised an eyebrow and I walked over, quickly, so as not to annoy him any further.

When I reached him, he took me by the arm and turned me to the side, bending me over his arm slightly. He landed three hard whacks on my backside in quick succession that really stung and then he straightened me up slightly but kept hold of my arm.

"You've no call to yell at me, and run away from me when I'm talkin' to you, Heidi. Do you understand me?" he said, looking down at me intently.

"Yes, Adam," I said tearfully, just wishing he would forgive me and hug me. "I'm sorry."

"Alright," Adam said, his face looking a bit softer now. "I know this is an emotional issue for you, but I can't abide you yellin' at me like that. I promise we'll talk about it in the next couple of days though, ok?"

I nodded, pressing my face to his middle for a hug. He put his arms around me and hugged me to him briefly and then he patted my back.

"Go on inside now and get ready for bed. I'll be there soon."

I would have liked for Adam to hug me longer, but he didn't seem particularly inclined at that moment, so I turned and headed inside to do what I was told.

 **Wow: I know it's been a while since I've updated. Real life stuff getting in the way unfortunately. Things have calmed down a bit now so hopefully I can get back to writing again. Thanks for the patience and the support!**


	29. The vouchers

When I got inside the house, I headed straight upstairs. Guthrie was out of the shower by that point and so I quickly showered and brushed my teeth. I was still tearful from my interaction with Adam. It wasn't so much that he had swatted me- the swats had hurt at the time, but I couldn't even feel anything now and I knew that Adam had been very lenient with me, all things considered. It was more that I felt like he was still angry at me. It doesn't bother me so much now, but when I was kid, I hated to go to bed on an argument.

Guthrie was playing with his lego models on the floor when I came into our room after my shower. He looked up at me in interest.

"How come you were so upset earlier?" he said to me.

I ignored his question and climbed into bed, picking up my book from my nightstand to read while we waited for Adam.

"Heidi! What's up?" Guthrie said, more insistently.

I looked at Guthrie moodily. "Nothing."

"Come on, Heidi! Tell me!"

"I'll tell you tomorrow. I'm tired now."

Guthrie rolled his eyes at me. "Suit yourself," he said and went back to playing with his lego models.

It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to Guthrie, but I was still trying to work out for myself what had happened earlier- how I had gone from having a perfectly fun time with Olivia, Guthrie and Michael to ending up yelling at Adam and being punished for it. I really hoped Adam would let me go to San Francisco with Olivia and her family, but from the way he was talking, it didn't seem all that likely. I knew from experience that Adam saying "We'll see", more often than not ended up as a no. And bringing up that damn class! I'm not as stubborn as my brothers in certain situations but I knew for sure that Adam would have a real job on his hands getting me to go there.

I started reading my book to myself silently while I cuddled Rocket to me. My belly was starting to hurt. Cramp sort of, so I lay down on my side and it was only a few minutes later when I heard Adam's bootsteps on the stairs and then he came into our room.

"C'mon, Guth, into bed," he said, seeing Guthrie playing on the floor.

Guthrie obediently got up to put his models on our dresser although he tried to get into bed without picking up the remaining blocks which were on the floor.

"Uh uh, tidy up the mess," Adam said, pointing to the blocks. "I'm not jabbin' my foot again by steppin' on another block."

Guthrie sighed, but he did what was he was told.

It was my turn to be sat next to while Adam was reading that evening, but I didn't know if he would do it because he had seemed still mad at me outside, even after I had apologised. But now, he looked down at me and smiled.

"Scoot over," he said, making a shoo like gesture.

I wriggled over a bit so Adam could have some room to sit down, but I didn't sit up and snuggle into him like I usually would. Adam frowned in concern.

"You ok, kiddo?"

"My belly hurts a bit," I told him.

Adam felt my forehead. "You don't feel warm. Do you feel sick?"

"No…"

"Hmm…," said Adam. "You think maybe your bellyache might be to do with what happened earlier?

"Maybe…"

"What happened earlier?" Guthrie said.

We both ignored him and then I said quietly to Adam, "Are you still mad at me?"

Adam smoothed my hair back. "No, baby."

"Okay."

"Do you think a hot water bottle might make you feel better?" he asked me.

I nodded. "Uh huh." I really loved a hot water bottle. Especially in winter.

"Alright. I'll go make one," he said.

As he was leaving the room, Guthrie made as if to get out of bed to go and play again with his models. Adam spun around as though he had eyes in the back of his head.

"No way, Guth. Stay in bed- I won't be long," he said.

"But it's boring just lying in bed!" Guthrie complained.

"I don't care. Just stay there!" Adam said, and then he was gone.

Guthrie huffed but got back into bed. He turned to his side to face me.

"What was Adam talking about, with you and him earlier?" he persisted.

Honestly, sometimes Guthrie was like a dog with a bone. I quickly gave him a run down of the evening's event.

"That's too bad," Guthrie said, when I got to the part about the class.

"Yea…," I said, glumly, feeling like I wanted to cry again.

"What happened with Michael tonight?" I asked Guthrie then, to change the subject away from me.

"What do you mean?"

"He totally lost it when he spilled a glass of milk!"

"Oh yea… well that was a bit weird."

"Why do you think he acted like that?"

"I dunno…"

The two of us continued to speculate about what could have caused Michael to react that way when Adam returned with my hot water bottle which he handed to me.

"Adam, why do you think Michael was so upset earlier when he spilled his milk?" Guthrie asked.

Adam settled back on my bed and this time, I sat up and then snuggled into him. I was already feeling better.

"I dunno, but whatever it is, I think Michael could go with a good friend about now, so you two make sure you're really nice to him, ok?"

"We will be," Guthrie said. "Do you think his mama or daddy gets mad if he spills his drink though?"

"I really don't know, Guth. Now hush up, otherwise there won't be any time to read."

Adam opened the book. "Where were we…?"

/

Olivia asked me first thing in the morning at school the next day if Adam had made a decision yet regarding San Francisco. I told her what had happened the night before, leaving out the part about Adam punishing me.

"That's so unfair!" Olivia said, when I told her about Adam saying something about the class. We were still outside before the morning bell rang and were just hanging out in the playground.

"I know," I said, blowing on my hands to keep them warm as it was a bit chilly that morning. "I'm never going to speak to Adam again if he makes me go to that stupid class."

Olivia giggled. "That's a bit dramatic."

"I mean it!" I said, feeling irritated. "And I don't know why he won't just say yes to me coming to San Francisco with your family. He always acts like everything I want to do is a huge deal."

The first bell signalling that we had to go inside rang then. Olivia and I started moving towards the front door of the school.

"Maybe it would help if my mom called and spoke to him?" Olivia said.

I considered for a moment. "It might… do you think your mom would mind?"

"Nah. She loves you. I'll ask her when I get home."

I felt a bit more hopeful then.

/

I had thought that Daniel would bring his band friends home again after school, but he was at home alone, doing his chores when Guthrie and I got home. I asked him about it, but he was a bit evasive about the answer.

"We're just taking a break today," he told me.

I was determined to lock down the coupons for Brian's birthday present as I wanted to get a head start on the artwork for each one so I asked Daniel if we could have a family meeting with the five of us without Adam and Brian. He seemed reluctant.

"Can't we do it at the weekend?"

"But then I have no time to make the coupons pretty!"

Daniel laughed. "I hardly think Brian's going to care if his birthday present is brightly coloured with pink hearts all over it."

Daniel must have seen my face fall though, because he said then, "But I'm sure he's gonna love the idea. Why don't you tell the others and we can meet before supper."

I gave him a pleading look. "Can't you do it?

"Why?"

"Because the others won't come if I ask them. Except maybe Guthrie. They'll only come if you ask them."

This was true. Because of the natural order of things in our family, I hardly had any power with my big brothers. Of course, I knew they loved me, and they always protected me, and if I really needed them I knew they'd be there for me. But I didn't have much sway with them to call a family meeting or anything. Now, talking to Daniel, I could see that he wanted to argue with me about it further.

"Pleeasssee, Daniel. You'll be my favourite brother!"

Daniel narrowed his eyes. "I thought I was already your favourite brother."

I giggled. "Oh well, you are. But if you do this, you'll be my favourite brother for ever and ever and ever."

Daniel rolled his eyes. "Fine!" he said. "But we have to make it snappy. I've got stuff to do."

I hugged him round the waist. "Thanks, Danny."

/

As Daniel promised, he rounded the others up and we met, the five of us, in the barn in the early evening before supper. Evan was in a particularly grumpy mood because Daniel had dragged him away from working with his precious Diablo. He was the last one in the barn and it was only because Daniel had demanded he be there. The rest of us were scattered around the barn, sitting in a sort of semi-circle on various hay bales.

"Let's make this quick," he said.

"You could be nicer about it, Ev!" I said huffily- he was irritating me, "it's for Brian's birthday after all."

"I just don't know what there is to talk about!" he grumbled, flopping down on one the hay bales.

"We need to decide on what the coupons will say," Ford said, sounding short then with Evan. I smiled at him gratefully.

"Why can't they just say 'I owe U,' Evan said.

"I owe U for what though?" said Guthrie.

Evan shrugged and there was a brief moment of silence while we all thought about it.

Daniel stood up then. "Why don't we all think of two things we can from Brian's chores- something realistic that we can do. So for example, Evan and Ford, us three can offer to do some of his night chores, and then Heidi and Guthrie- you two can offer to do some things instead the house.

"Hey! I can do Brian's night chores too!" Guthrie protested.

The other three chuckled at him.

"Okay, little brother!" Daniel said to Guthrie, with an indulgent smile.

"I can!" said Guthrie, going red in the face.

In truth, Guthrie couldn't have managed Brian's night chores. There was a lot of heavy lifting and fact was that Guthrie and I were just too little.

"Chill out, little brother," Evan said then, grabbing Guthrie in a headlock and rubbing Guthrie's head with his knuckles. I knew Guthrie hated that- he struggled to get loose from Evan's grip.

The five us talked a while longer hashing out what we would offer to Brian on the vouchers. I had to admit that it had seemed a lot simpler when we had been talking about the initial ideas. Eventually, after a lot of going back and forward, we decided that Daniel would offer to do night chores one day, and one day of laundry, Evan would offer to do weekend morning chores and one day of Brian's cleaning duties in the house, Ford would offer to do weekend evening chores and one day of taking over Brian's cooking duties- we all groaned at that. Ford liked to cook but he was terrible at it. Guthrie and I were limited in what we could offer as we were still so young so we settled on Brian's dish duties and offered to polish his boots. Polished boots were very important to Brian. I also had one extra idea which I was going to slip into the booklet, as I was going to be the one making and decorating the vouchers.

We were just about done talking about it when we heard a high-pitched whistle coming from the direction of the house and then predictably Brian's voice, calling us to supper. Daniel opened the barn door and we all filed out and up to the house. Brian looked at us all suspiciously as we entered the house.

"What was goin' on down there?" he said, as Guthrie and I slipped past him through the front door.

I turned to look at Brian with wide, innocent eyes. "Nothing, Bri."

Brian's eyes narrowed. "Why do I not believe you?" he said, studying me closely.

I gave him a dimpled smile. "It's nothing to worry about. Cross my heart and hope to die." I quickly ran upstairs to wash up for supper before he could say anything else.

/

We had all just sat down to eat when the phone rang.

"I'll get it!" Ford said, springing up. I thought that maybe he thought it was Crane who sometimes called around this time. I knew how much all of us were looking forward to seeing him the following week for Thanksgiving break. I felt a skip of excitement in my chest every time I thought about it.

Ford came back to the table about of minutes later.

"Adam, it's for you."

Adam frowned. "Who is it?"

Ford slipped back into his seat. "I dunno. Some lady."

Daniel whistled and wiggled his eyebrows at Adam. "Some lady, huh?" he said suggestively.

Brian laughed. Adam rolled his eyes and got up out of his seat and headed towards the living room through the mud room at the back, lightly clipping Daniel's head on his way.

He was away for a good ten minutes and when he came back to the table, he looked a bit irritated.

"I hope you vultures left some food for me," he said, sitting back down at his place at the table.

"Better get in fast," Brian said, passing Adam the dish of chicken casserole.

Adam spooned a generous helping onto his plate.

"Who was on the phone?" I asked him.

He acted like he hadn't heard me and started eating his supper.

"Adam!" I said more insistently, "Who called?"

Adam sighed. "It doesn't matter, Heidi. Just eat your supper."


	30. The build up

After Adam essentially brushed me off, I left him alone to eat his supper in peace. He looked worn out and irritated, and from experience, I knew pushing a short-tempered Adam wouldn´t end well for me. I ate quietly, my thoughts filled with making the vouchers for Brian´s birthday and fantasizing about going to San Francisco with Olivia´s family. My anxiety about the Saturday class was still niggling at me but I tried to push it to the back of my mind. I was feeling weird. Anxious and wired but really tired at the same time.

The conversation was buzzing about me when I became aware that the talk had turned to Crane´s visit home for Thanksgiving break and how excited everyone was.

"I can´t wait!" Guthrie said, excitedly. He looked at me from his place across the table. "We can show him Splotch and the tricks we´ve taught her!

"I want him to come watch me at Youth Rodeo; it´s been ages since he last saw me ride," Evan said.

Everybody started talking at once then about the things that they wanted to do with Crane. For my part, I wanted to spend time reading with him again, like we used to do together, even though I was used to doing my reading homework on my own now that he was gone.

There was a natural lull in the conversation making the noise less boisterous than usual when Daniel said to Adam, "And remember what you promised, Adam."

Adam met Daniel´s eye. "I remember."

"What promise?" Ford said.

"Yea!" said Evan, "What promise?"

Adam looked uncomfortable then. He met Brian´s eye when Daniel said boldly, directing his words particularly at Evan.

"Adam says that when Crane is home we can talk as a family about whether to see Gary Sykes."

Evan´s jaw set like it does when he´s setting in for an argument. He turned to Adam. "Adam! You said we didn´t need to see him. Why do we need to talk about it again?!"

He turned to Daniel then.

"Why can´t you just leave it the hell alone, huh?"

Adam sighed and ran his hand over his face. I felt really sorry for him then- I couldn´t remember the last time I had seen him look so tired.

"Evan, take a moment to-" he started but Brian interrupted him directing his words at Evan.

"Look, partner, I know how you feel. I do. I´d also rather never have to talk about the bastard again. But that´s what Adam´s decided with Danil, and that´s the way it´s gonna be, ok?"

"But-"

"No one is sayin´ you gotta see him. It´s just a discussion we will have next week. But right now, the discussion is closed, understand?"

Adam looked at Brian gratefully while Evan glared at him mutinously. The tone of Brian´s voice suggested he was winding up to lose his temper, which Evan recognized. These days, now that Evan is older, he doesn´t back down to Brian anymore but when we were growing up, if Brian talked said something in ´that´ tone of voice, you knew to shut up. Even more so than when Adam got angry.

Evan sulked after that and even refused to eat dessert. I was on dish washing duty with him and he grumbled almost the whole time about this and that. I was sick of hearing his voice and escaped up to my room as quickly as I could after drying the dishes. I had homework, but I didn´t feel like sitting downstairs with all my brothers and doing it there. I was feeling sort of anxious, like I wanted to be alone. Away from Guthrie, even.

I had grabbed my school bag on my way upstairs so I was able to get out my homework. I sat down at the little desk in Guthrie and my room, and I had just started tackling my math homework when I heard my name being called. Brian. I got up and walked into the hall, going to the edge of the balcony to answer him.

"I´m here, Bri," I said to him. He was at the foot of the stairs.

"What you doing up there? It´s homework time!" He looked irritated.

I leaned against the banister slightly. "I know… can I do it in my room though?"

"Why?"

"I have a headache," I lied. I thought that would be the best way to get my own way in this situation. Brian looked at me intently from his place at the foot of the stairs and then he climbed them and came to stand in front of me. He tried to feel my forehead but I pulled away quickly.

"I´m ok- I just want to have some peace and quiet. Please let me do my homework up here. I promise I´ll do it all."

I could tell from the expression on Brian´s face that he was torn. I never asked to do this.

"Are you alright? You don´t feel unwell or anythin´?"

I shook my head. "I´m fine. I just want to be alone. Please let me. Please?"

Brian reached out to cup the side of my face with his hand. "Okay. Just this once."

"Thanks, Bri."

"It´s just today, Heidi," he reiterated, "We´re not gonna make a habit outta this, got it?"

I smiled at him. "Got it. Where´s Adam?" I thought that after homework, I would see if I could work on Adam a little more about San Francisco. I suspected that Olivia´s mom had been the caller earlier in the evening, as it made sense considering what we had talked about at school earlier.

"He´s outside. Like you, he needs a bit of peace and quiet tonight so I´m doing homework and bedtime. Leave him be tonight, baby, he´s real tired," Brian said, effectively quashing my plan.

I would need to find time to talk to Adam another time.

/

I couldn´t sleep that night. Normally, after lights out, I fell asleep pretty quickly. Sometimes I would wake up in the night, but I usually fell back to sleep pretty quickly again after that. That night, though, I lay awake for ages, tossing and turning. I kept holding my breath to check if Guthrie was also having trouble sleeping but he seemed to be dreaming peacefully. Every time I shut my eyes, all sorts of thoughts would race through my head: my Saturday class, San Francisco, Gary Sykes, my Saturday class again. I thought about getting up and going into Adam or Brian´s bed for comfort, but then I remembered what Brian had said about Adam being really tired and so I didn´t want to disturb him. In the end, I probably only got in total about two hours sleep that night. For me, that´s catastrophic. I´m a person who needs a lot of sleep, and I mean a lot. If I don´t get it, I can barely function.

I was seriously dragging the next morning when I got ready for school and then to do my chores. My stomach was uneasy at breakfast so I didn´t eat much, which didn´t escape Adam´s notice.

He glanced at my plate, which had left over food on it and then said to me, "You okay kiddo? You´ve not eaten so much there…"

I shrugged, too tired to answer him. "Just tired I guess."

Adam´s forehead creased in a frown. "How come? Didn´t you sleep well?"

"Not really…"

I really wanted Adam to say I could stay home from school that day, but I knew that wouldn´t happen, so I didn´t bother to even ask him. We only get to stay off school if we´re legitimately sick and can prove it.

"Alright," he said, "Well, let´s make sure you get an early night tonight, ok?"

"K."

/

I tried hard to concentrate in class: I really did. But I was desperate to just shut my eyes and go to sleep. I managed to get on with things until lunchtime, and then, I don´t know what happened, but I must have dozed off on my desk. The next thing I knew, Mrs Whitby was shaking me gently, and I awoke to the rest of the class giggling at me. Even Guthrie and Olivia were laughing a little. I flushed red a bit, embarrassed but then they both gave me supportive looks. Mrs Whitby sent the others outside for lunch, but asked me to stay behind. She sat down opposite me, taking a chair from another student´s desk. I looked at her timidly, but she didn´t look angry, just sympathetic.

"I´m sorry I fell asleep, ma´am," I said, before she could say anything. "It wasn´t that the lesson was boring or anything, I´m just really tired."

Mrs Whitby smiled kindly at me. "I can see that. Why are you so tired?"

"I guess I didn´t really sleep properly last night…"

"Aha. And why might that be?"

I chewed on my nail. I didn´t really want to open up to Mrs Whitby. Especially as she was the one who had suggested the Saturday class to Adam. So, I just settled with, "I guess I have a lot on my mind."

Mrs Whitby crossed her legs and leaned against the back of the chair. "I see. Does Adam know everything that´s on your mind? Or Brian?"

"Sort of…"

Mrs Whitby didn´t say anything then, and stubbornly, neither did I. There was a short moment of silence. Then Mrs Whitby said, "Well, I think you should go home for the afternoon. Try and get some rest and maybe talk to your big brothers so you can get a good night´s sleep and come back to school feeling refreshed and ready to learn tomorrow."

I did really want to go home, but I didn´t think Adam would be very happy about me falling asleep on the desk and so I asked Mrs Whitby if I could stay the rest of the afternoon.

She shook her head. "I don´t think so, Heidi. If you´re tired enough to fall asleep in class, then you need to be at home." She stood up and then gestured to me to follow her. "Usually, I would send you to the school nurse and she would call home, but I´m going to call home and talk to Adam myself."

"He´ll probably be outside, working on the ranch, so he won´t hear the phone ring," I said, trying one last time to persuade her against sending me home, even though I knew that it was likely that both Adam and Brian would be inside, eating lunch around this time.

Mrs Whitby was not to be deterred. "Let´s just try."

I sighed and got up to follow Mrs Whitby. She took me to the school office and left me waiting on a chair in the reception area. Then she went into a little room where the principal´s secretary sits and shut the door, presumably to make the call home. She was in there a while; not a ridiculous amount of time, but longer than just calling home and asking someone to come and get me. When she came out, she smiled at me and said, "Someone from home will be along soon to pick you up. I hope you´ll feel better tomorrow."

"Okay," I said softly. "What´s my homework?"

"I don´t want you to worry about school tonight. You can afford to take a night off, alright?"

I smiled at her. "Okay."

She left me then, and left the school office. I sat in my chair and waited, fighting the urge to close my eyes again. I was a bit nervous to see whoever was going to pick me up. I knew I wouldn´t be in trouble- I hadn't done anything wrong. But Adam and Brian would want to know why I hadn´t slept, and then I´d have to face Adam about this stupid class and I really didn´t want to.

I stretched back in my chair, just shutting my eyes to rest them. I guess I didn´t manage to stay awake though because when I opened them next, it was because a hand ran over my hair and I saw that Brian was sitting in the chair beside me. He smiled at me softly, looking somewhat amused.

"Wake up, sleepyhead. At least until we get home," he said.

I yawned and stretched out a little. "Hey."

"Hey, yourself."

Brian grabbed my bag and then took my hand. "Let´s get you home."

If I had been less tired, I may have balked at him taking my hand like I was in kindergarten, but I kind of found it comforting at that moment. His palms were warm, and I was feeling kind of cold, probably because I was tired. Later, I thought about how he didn´t even ask me what was wrong, and came to the conclusion that Mrs Whitby must have communicated on the phone what I had told her.

Brian signed me out of school and then held my hand right out to the jeep. When I climbed in, he told me to buckle my seatbelt. My older brothers never really bothered, but they always made Guthrie and I do it.

Brian was mostly quiet on the ride home, turning on the radio softly. After a couple of miles, he said, "Me and Adam want you to go up to bed and nap for a couple of hours when we get home. And then when you wake up, we´ll have a chat before the boys get home. Does that sound okay to you?"

"Yea…" I said, relieved I would be getting to sleep, although I wasn´t looking forward to that chat. "Where´s Adam?"

"He´s moving the cattle to a new pasture. You´ll see him a little later," Brian said.

"Is he mad at me, Bri?"

Brian glanced at me out the side of his eye. "No, kiddo. Why would you think that?"

"I dunno." A thought occurred to me then. "What if I don´t wake up before the boys get home?"

"Don´t worry. One of us will come and wake you up," Brian said.

"Okay."

I was silent for a couple of minutes then before I remembered that I hadn´t actually eaten lunch because I had missed lunchtime when I was sent home. I told Brian this.

"Have you still got it in your bag?" he asked me. Brian made our lunches every day.

"Uh huh."

"Well in that case, how about you fish it out and start eatin´ it now on the ride home."

So I did just that.

/

I think I only slept for a less than a couple of hours. I would have happily stayed in bed all afternoon and then for the rest of the evening- that´s how tired I felt. Adam woke me up. He sat on the edge of my bed and shook me softly.

"Heidi, wake up, kiddo."

I opened my eyes a little and then shut them again, in denial. "What time is it?" I murmured.

"Around 3.30pm."

"Mmmm," I said, turning on my side and trying to burrow under my quilt.

Adam chuckled softly and pulled my quilt back a bit. "I don´t want you nappin´ so long that you don't sleep tonight," he said.

I didn´t answer him. He put his hand gently on the back of my neck and squeezed a little. "Bri and I will be downstairs waitin´ for you, so get yourself up and down there in the next 10 minutes. Don´t keep us- we´ve got a ton still to get done outside before dark."

I dozed for the next five minutes, but I did get up soon after and pad downstairs in just my socks. Adam and Brian were in the kitchen, drinking coffee and talking to each other quietly. Brian smiled at me when he saw me and held out his arm so I could come to him, which I did. He hugged me to him. "Feelin´ a bit better?" he said.

I was actually still really tired, so I just shrugged a bit moodily. I didn´t feel like being particularly verbal which seemed unfortunate since I knew that both my brothers were going to want me to open up about why I hadn´t been able to sleep.

My brothers exchanged a look over my head which I sort of caught, probably because they thought I was going to be difficult. Adam cleared his throat. "Let´s go into the living room and talk," he said. Adam led the short way and Brian, who still had his arm around me, didn´t give me much choice but to follow as he guided me into the living room. When we got there, we settled on one of the couches, all three of us, with me in the middle of them. I sighed a little, feeling trapped.

Adam smiled at me dryly. "We´re not gonna eat you, Heidi," he said and I conceded a small smile. Then his face became more serious. "But you are not goin´ to like what we have to say in places. Of course you´re allowed your feelins but I´m tellin´ you off the bat that if you throw a fit, or yell at us, I will spank you. And it won´t just be a few pats like it was the other night. Understood?"

I don´t know how Adam could call the swats he had given me a ´pats´- they had really stung. But this didn´t seem the time to really point that out. Plus, what could I say really? So I just settled for a "Yes" while looking at him tremulously.

"Good. Now, Mrs Whitby called here today, as you know, and she said you told her that you couldn´t sleep last night because you had some stuff on your mind. I- well Brian and I- think we know what might be botherin´ you, but why don´t you go ahead and tell us."

"Do I have to…?" I said. I knew we had to talk eventually, and although I had wanted to have it hashed out in the previous few days, now I had my chance, I was too scared to hear what my brothers were going to say about that stupid class and about San Francisco. Plus, I didn´t know how to bring up the Gary Sykes thing because I didn´t know myself how I felt about it. All I knew was that it really unsettled me to see Daniel and Evan pitted against each other over it.

Adam and Brian exchanged another look over my head, one which I read as frustration.

"Yes, Heidi, you do," Brian said then. He rubbed my back. "You´ll feel better if you talk to us."

I didn´t know about that, but seeing as I had no choice, I took a deep breath and started to unburden myself.


	31. Frustration

Adam and Brian listened patiently while I blurted out everything that was on my mind. I think it was sort of difficult for them to follow as because I was so tired, I couldn't really think in a straight line, and so I flitted back and forth between all three things that was consuming me: telling them how much I didn't want to go to Saturday school, desperately wanting to go to San Francisco with Olivia's family and not knowing if I wanted to see Gary Sykes. By the time I finished talking, both of them looked a bit dizzy.

Adam spoke first. "Wow, that's some mouthful!"

I shrugged and flopped dramatically against the back of the couch.

Adam cleared his throat. "I think we'll begin by talkin' about Sykes," he said. He sounded unsure though, and for Adam, that's an unusual occurrence, so it made me look at him. His eyes met mine.

"I'm sorry you're havin' to think about that, Heidi, and to tell you the truth, I'm pretty mad at myself for lettin' things get to this point."

"Yep… me too," Brian said then.

I didn't really understand what they were talking about and kept turning my head from side to side to look at them both. They must have seen my look of confusion because then Adam said, "What I mean, is that you're just a kid and this is heavy stuff. You shouldn't have to deal with this, and so I want you just to forget it and trust that we'll deal with this. You won't have to make any decision. Just put it out your mind. Do you think you can do that?"

I nodded, feeling relieved. "I think so," I said, "What about Daniel though?"

"What do you mean?" Brian asked.

I turned my head to look at him. "You guys agreed with Daniel that we'd discuss it when Crane comes home next week."

Adam and Brian shared another look over my head.

"I know…-" Brian started before Adam took over.

"We'll sort it. Alright?"

I nodded. "Uh huh."

Adam cleared his throat then. "Okay. Now that's out the way, we want to talk about the Saturday class with you."

I felt panic start to rise. I could tell from the tone of Adam's voice, which was quiet but firm, and from his facial expression, that I wasn't going to like what he was going to say to me.

"Tell us why you don't want to go," he said then.

I looked down at my fingernails and even though my gaze was facing down, I could still feel my brothers' eyes on me.

"You know why!" I said. I knew I was being surly, but I couldn't help it. I just wasn't capable of looking at it rationally.

"Tell us again," Brian said. I had to hand it to him- he didn't sound impatient, or irritated. In fact, there was a soothing quality to his tone which was very un-Brian like.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them to me, resting my forehead on my knees and then I said, "I don't want to have to go to more school! It's Saturday. Saturday is the day I play with Guthrie or see Olivia."

Neither Adam nor Brian likes it when I don't look at them when I'm talking to them, but this time, they didn't make me try to look up.

"You like school though," Adam pointed out.

"But I don't want to go on Saturday!" I yelled then, into my knees. The minute I had done it, I remembered what Adam had threatened to do if I yelled at him. My heart dropped to my stomach, and I immediately pulled my head up and said quickly, "I'm sorry for yelling."

Adam regarded me intently for a moment and then to my relief said, "Alright."

"Mrs Whitby says that this class isn't like real school, though, Heidi," Brian said then, completely ignoring my previous outburst. "She says it's more like a workshop."

"I still don't want to go," I said quietly.

Adam took my hand then. "Honey, listen. You're really smart. Gifted, your teacher said. And it'd be a real shame to let that go to waste. Mom and dad would have made sure that you got all the opportunities you needed to be successful and so we want to do that for you too."

I knew where this was going, and I didn't want to hear it. "Noooooo," I cried, pulling my hand away from Adam and pulling myself up once again into a tight ball on the couch.

"Just listen for a second, before you go into full blown drama mode," Brian said, and I detected some minor irritation in his voice now. He always had less patience than Adam. "We know you don't want to go. And we're sympathetic to everything you just said. But we want you to give it a trial from Thanksgiving until Christmas. If you really hate it then you don't need to go in the new year. We just want you to try."

Now that I'm older, I can, of course, see that their request was perfectly reasonable. But you're not always the most rational when you're 8. Their decree seemed like the end of the world to me and made me start to cry. Hard. I don't know where he had it, but Brian handed me a tissue so I could wipe my nose and eyes. He had probably come prepared with some in his pocket, anticipating my reaction.

Then a thought popped into my head and before I knew what I was doing I blurted out through my tears, "I'll go if you let me go to San Francisco with Olivia."

Neither one of my brothers said anything, which prompted me to look up at them to gauge their reaction. Both were regarding me sternly.

"We don't respond well to bargaining, Heidi," Adam said, leaning forward slightly.

"It's not bargaining though!" I protested, trying to claw my way back. "It's just a deal."

"Seems like the definition of bargaining to me," Brian said, dryly.

"I didn't mean it like that!" I said, desperately wishing I had kept my big mouth shut. I seemed to be incapable of regulating myself around my brothers. I admit that sometimes I'm still like that.

I think Adam took pity on me then because his face softened a bit. "However you meant it honey, it's not going to happen I'm afraid."

I looked at him pleadingly. "But Adam-"

"No, baby girl. We know you're goin' to be disappointed, but San Francisco is a long way to go with people that we've only known a couple of months. Maybe if they invite you again another time when you're a bit older and we've known them a bit longer, we'll consider it. But for just now, it's a no."

"Please. Please," I begged, feeling like I was on the verge of a complete meltdown.

"You know better than that, Heidi," Brian said then, firmly, although he didn't sound mad. "You know when we say no, we mean it."

I did know that. And I knew there was no point in arguing with them any longer about it. The weight of disappointment was weighing me down heavily, and being so tired and all, I just felt completely wrung out and devastated. Like I had hiked 10 miles or wrestled a bear.

"We know you're probably feelin' pretty mad at us-," Adam said.

"And disappointed too," added Brian.

"And disappointed," echoed Adam. "Do you want to go on up to your room away from us, or do you want a hug?"

I was just so overwhelmed with tiredness and overwrought with emotion that I didn't know what I wanted then. I was mad at both my oldest brothers, but I also wanted the comfort. Except that I didn't want to say I wanted the comfort because then that would look like I was okay with their decision. And I most definitely wasn't. I didn't answer Adam then, but I didn't run upstairs either. I thought though, that this decision had been made predominantly by Adam, and that Brian was just backing him up in the parenting duo bit they did. I knew Brian wouldn't have made me go to the Saturday class if it were solely up to him, although I wasn't sure about San Francisco. He was probably with Adam on that one. Still, it was easier to transfer all my anger onto Adam and so I turned to Brian and wailed, "I want a hug from youuuu."

Brian opened his arms to me. "Alright then, c'mere."

I immediately leaned into him and cried into his chest while he rubbed my back. I sensed Adam getting up off the couch, and head in the direction of the kitchen.

Brian let me cry myself out and then we sat there a little while longer while I sniffled and tried to collect myself. He didn't attempt to console me with words: there was nothing to say really. When I was done crying and my tissues were completely sodden, he pulled back a little and looked down at me. "You know we're only makin' these decisions because we love you, right?"

I shrugged, unable to see how the decisions my brothers had made benefitted me in any way.

When I didn't reply, Brian said, "Why don't you go on upstairs and nap until supper."

I felt a bit too wired now to sleep, but I couldn't really think of another option of what I'd rather do so I said okay and trudged upstairs to my bedroom. I lay down on my bed and cuddled Rocket to me thinking about things. I thought about how much I wished I could go to San Francisco and even momentarily entertained the thought of finding a way to sneakily go with Olivia's family, but I knew I'd most likely get caught and then there would be hell to pay. Then I thought about how I could get out of going to the stupid Saturday class. But short of standing my ground and refusing point blank to go, which wouldn't work anyway because Adam would probably manhandle me into the jeep to make a point, there seemed like no way out. The thinking sent me to sleep again. I woke up fleetingly a short time later with the sounds of my brothers coming home from school and the clanging of instruments in the living room which I computed was probably Daniel's band, before the sound of Brian's voice telling them to take it to the barn echoed upstairs. But I guess that my level of exhaustion was such that it didn't stop me from drifting back off when the house became relatively quiet once again.

/

I woke up before supper. Rather than staying in bed, I decided to go out to the chicken coop to get my afternoon chores done and spend some time with Polly and Splotch. Animals always make me feel better when I'm blue. Mindful of Brian's birthday coming up straight after the weekend and it being only a few days away, I carted my coloring pens and the paper outside with me too, thinking that after my chores and cuddling with my babies, I could sit in the barn attic and get some of the vouchers done there. But when I got to the barn, I was confronted with Daniel and his band who were busy practising their latest song, and I didn't much feel like listening to them ping away on their instruments, so I headed down to the creek and sat on the banks there. I had come out without my jacket on and there was a chilly wind in the air which kept blowing all the bits of card for Brian's vouchers everywhere. It made it impossible to get anything done. I sighed: today was not my day.

I sat there for a little while, just staring out at the water and then I heard footsteps swishing towards me through the grass. I knew it was Guthrie even before he greeted me.

"There you are!" he said, as he flopped down. "I came upstairs coz Adam said you were sleeping but then you weren't there, so I've been looking for you."

"Yea…," I said glumly.

"What's up?" he asked me.

I sighed and picked up a stone next to me, throwing in into the water in frustration. "Adam and Brian said I have to go to the Saturday class," I said, tears rising again as I was talking about it.

Guthrie looked at me with wide eyes. "Oh man… that's not fair though!" He was silent for a moment, contemplating and then he said wonderingly, "I didn't think they'd actually make you go…"

I swiped the tears away from my eyes and took a shaky breath. "Yea. But I think it's Adam's decision. I don't think Bri would make me go if Adam didn't say so. And they aren't let me go to San Francisco with Olivia's family either."

"Sorry, Heidi. Guthrie said, and then, with spirit added, "I'm gonna tell Adam that I think it's really unfair you have to go to Saturday school!"

I was touched by Guthrie's loyalty and support for me: I didn't want him to get into trouble though and I told him so. "Thanks, though. For being on my side…" I said.

The two of us hung around at the creek for a little while longer and had a stone skimming competition that I ended up winning. Neither of us wore a watch, but it was like we had an inbuilt sensor about when meals were, and so when the sun moved in the sky, we decided to go home for supper. I would have liked to stay outside for longer, to express my displeasure at the decisions made in the afternoon by making a protest absence from supper. But I knew that Adam would see that as me throwing a fit and I didn't want to end the day with a sore backside to top it all off, so I headed back with Guthrie.

/

We got home just after supper had started. I quickly ran upstairs to put the card and coloring pens in my room so that Brian wouldn't see them and then headed downstairs and sat in my place at the table. Adam or Brian had filled my and Guthrie's plate for us which they did sometimes when we were young, so we didn't have to fight for food, but probably also to make sure the two of us ate vegetables as we tended to avoid them if we filled our own plates. The conversation buzzed about me. Evan, Daniel and Guthrie were debating something about football the following week on Thanksgiving which prompted Brian to talk to Ford about going out and hunting for the Thanksgiving turkey. Brian did it every year and took a different one of my brothers out with him every time.

Adam smiled at me. "Been at the creek?" he asked, in conversation.

"Uh huh."

"That's nice. You feelin' less tired than earlier?"

"Yep."

"Not feelin' too talkative this evening?" Adam said then, with a small smile on his face. It irritated me. The way he thought he could joke with me like nothing had happened that afternoon.

I took a bite of my roll. "Nope."

Adam left me alone after that, engaging in conversation with Brian and Ford. I ate in silence as a sort of protest.

I wasn't on dish duty that evening and since I didn't have any homework because Mrs Whitby had told me to take the night off, I went straight up to my room after supper, intent on working on the vouchers for Brian. I had just sat down at the desk in my room when I heard my name being called from downstairs. Adam.

I came out of my room to the top of the stairs, looking down at Adam standing at the foot of the stairs.

"Homework, Heidi."

"I don't have any. Mrs Whitby said that I should take the night off," I said.

Adam raised his eyebrows. "Oh… alright. Well in the case, go ahead and get ready for bed. You're gettin' an early night."

"But why?!" I said, feeling frustrated. Why couldn't Adam just leave me alone?

"Because you were sent home today for tiredness and I want to make sure you're recovered for tomorrow."

"But I slept the whole afternoon!"

"Great. And now you can get an early night to top it off."

"That's not fair, Adam!" I protested.

"Well that's the way it is, so mind me now and go get a shower and brush your teeth. I'll be up soon."

I stood at the top of the stairs, looking down at Adam mutinously. I wanted to stamp my foot, to yell all my frustration out at Adam, to tell him that I wasn't going to go to bed and that I wasn't going to Saturday school either. But, of course, I didn't.

I heaved a huge sigh. "Fine," I said. "I'll get ready. But I want Brian to tuck me in. Not you."

Adam regarded me evenly from his place at the bottom of the stairs. "Alright, Heidi. Suit yourself."


	32. Nocturnal Musings

Adam wandered off then, back towards the direction of the kitchen. I went back to my room and hid all the card and coloring pens on the desk for Brian's vouchers. I took a shower and brushed my teeth, stewing internally the whole time about having to go to bed at such an early hour. I thought I'd never be able to sleep! Nevertheless, doing what I was told meant that Adam couldn't say I was being disobedient. After my shower, I settled myself in bed with Rocket and my library book, waiting for Brian to come up.

It was raining outside now; the sound of the raindrops pelting heavily on the roof. Lying warm in my bed and listening to the rain is one of my absolute favourite things, plus my bedsheets had been changed that day to my favorite soft ones. But I couldn't enjoy these things as much as I normally would because of everything that had happened that day.

It wasn't too long before I heard Brian's voice talking to one of the boys downstairs, and then the sound of his bootsteps as he came up the stairs and towards my room. My door was wide open before he came in, but he closed it completely as I greeted him. When Adam and Brian read to us, they would sit right next to one of us, on our beds, with their back against the headboard. Or if we were lying down, they would lie next to one of us with a pillow to prop up their heads and read to us like that. But now, Brian sat on the side of my bed, with one leg on my bed and the other on the floor.

Brian doesn't waste words, ever. He just goes ahead and says whatever's on his mind: there's no preamble like you get with Adam sometimes. It can seem kind of aggressive if you don't know him, but that's just Brian's way and we're all used to it. This time was no different, and he just launched straight in.

"How come you told Adam that you want me to read to you and not him?"

I shrugged, sullenly.

"Hmm. That's not really an answer is it?"

I sighed. "I'm mad at him," I said.

Brian ran a hand over his face, like he does sometimes when he's tired. "Alright. You're mad at him about the decisions we told you about today?"

"Uh huh."

"Well… I get being mad. We knew you weren't going to like the outcome of the decision. But what I don't get is why you're only takin' your mad out on Adam?"

"Because!" I burst out passionately, before stopping myself.

"Because what?"

"Because! I know that Adam's the one who's makin' me go to Saturday school! You would never make me to school on a Saturday if it was only up to you!"

I didn't include the San Francisco decision because truth be told, Brian was sometimes more protective of me than Adam and he was very likely in agreement with Adam that I was too young, and it was too far.

Brian looked shocked for a second, and then his expression changed to irritation, although I knew him well enough to see he was tapering it down and trying to patient.

"Uh huh. And how'd you come to that conclusion?"

"I just know," I said stubbornly.

Brian's eyebrows raised. He looked thoughtful and then he said, "Well, just so you know, Heidi, I was actually the one who pushed for you to go."

I stared at Brian disbelievingly.

"It's true," he continued. "Both of us think it's a good idea for you to go. I said that you'd be mad for a while but that you'd suck it up eventually and get on with it, but Adam was the one who insisted you get a trial period and that if you really hate it, you don't have to go anymore."

"Oh…" I said, thinking hard.

"Yep. So if you wanna be mad, go right ahead. I'd be mad too if I were you. I was mad at mom and dad plenty times for makin' me do things they thought was best for me which I couldn't see at the time. But you know what? Now that I'm grown, I can see that mom and dad were right, every time. And that's why neither Adam or I mind if you're mad. In fact, we understand you'll be mad. But if you're mad at him, then you gotta be mad at both of us, or at least me more because he was the one who threw you a boat."

I looked down then, not really knowing what to do with that information.

Brian patted my knee over my covers. "Do you think we made this decision because we love you and want what's best for you? Or because we just get a kick outta bein' mean to you?

There was a tinge of humour in his tone, which made me look up at him. I wasn't ready to just forgive and accept though at that moment, so I just shrugged moodily at him, even though of course in my heart I knew it was the former.

Brian just shook his head, but he didn't look mad. "Well, maybe you need a bit more time to come round," he said.

I crossed my arms and met his gaze. "I'll never come round to this decision," I said, stubbornly. I can be just as stubborn as the rest of my family when I want to be.

"Okay, Heidi. Have it your way. Now, do you still want a story?"

Of course, I wanted someone to read to me, but now my feelings towards Brian were all mixed up too. I suddenly just wanted to be alone.

"I think I'll just go to sleep now," I said, just to get him out of my hair. With the way I was feeling, there was no way I could sleep.

"Okay, kiddo," Brian said, standing up from my bed. He turned off the night light on my bedside table and then he surprised me by cupping my face in his hands and kissing the top of my head.

"Sleep good, baby. Tomorrow's another day."

/

Unsurprisingly, I couldn't sleep after that. I lay there on my back in the dark, looking up at the ceiling and just thinking. I actually was tired, although I would never have admitted that to Adam, but I just kept thinking about how frustrated I was and how unfair I perceived everything to be. It seemed to me, that lately I had been butting heads a lot more with my big brothers than usual. Ever since Crane had left, and I had started third grade and met Olivia. It got me thinking that before that year, there hadn't really been times where I had really wanted, or not wanted to do something that differed with what my brothers wanted. Sure, sometimes I didn't want to go to bed when they told me, or go to the dentist, or eat certain vegetables, but they weren't the same things as now.

I don't think it was too much later, maybe an hour or an hour and thirty minutes that Adam brought Guthrie into our bedroom. They were quiet as they came in, and had I been asleep, I wouldn't have noticed. I had heard them coming up the stairs, and so had buried under my covers, pretending to be asleep. I scrunched my eyes up tightly as I heard Adam and Guthrie whisper to each other. On his way out the room, I sensed Adam stopping by my bed. I felt a hand smooth my hair back and then a something soft being placed next to me, which tickled my nose. I didn't open my eyes until Adam had left the room. When I did, I saw that he had placed Rocket, who must have fallen on the floor, beside me again.

/

I'm not sure if I slept the next few hours or not. It was one of those times where you're in and out of consciousness so often that you're not sure if you've actually been sleeping. In any case, I woke up properly at around 10.30pm, according to the clock on my bedside table. I tossed and turned but couldn't get back to sleep. It was making me anxious- the thought that I might be really tired and non-functioning again the next day and have to go and sit through a full day of school. Ordinarily, I wouldn't have hesitated about going into Adam or Brian's beds, but they weren't an option for me right now. Guthrie was snoring lightly, and anyway, he was a major sleep kicker so sharing a bed with him was out. Crane was away, and I didn't really have that sort of relationship with Evan or Ford, although I thought both of them wouldn't have kicked me out if I had tried. That just left Daniel.

I crept quietly out my room. The hallway was quiet. All the bedroom doors were either shut, or only incrementally open which meant that everyone now was in bed. I padded down the hall to Daniel's room and pushed the door open gently as I wanted to minimize any danger of it creaking and thus waking anyone else up. Entering the room, I saw Daniel was lying on his stomach with his head to facing me and an arm flung over the side of the bed, grazing the floor. I went to stand by the side of his bed and gently shook his arm.

"Daniel!"

Daniel's arm shook me off as though I were a bothersome fly, but he didn't answer me.

I tried again. "Daniel!" I said, more urgently this time, shaking him a bit harder.

Daniel opened one eye. "What?" he mumbled sleepily, closing his eye again.

"I can't sleep!" I whispered loudly, "Can I come into bed with you?"

Daniel mumbled something, so I took that as a yes, and climbed over him, settling myself under the covers next to him. I was only small and skinny at 8, so I didn't take up much room.

Daniel turned his head so it was facing me and with his eyes still closed, murmured, "Why can't you sleep in your own bed? Or Crane's bed if you want to sleep in here?"

"Because I can't fall asleep…," I said quietly. "Why can't I just stay here with you?"

Daniel opened his eyes then just slightly. "Coz you're a major sleep kicker, Heidi."

"No I'm not! That's Guthrie you're thinking of!" I protested.

"It's you too," Daniel said. He sighed and then sat up slightly, looking down at me. "How come you can't sleep?"

"Coz I'm mad…"

"Mad at who? Wait, let me guess. Adam. Or Brian?"

"Both."

Daniel sat up properly then, putting a pillow back against the headboard so he could lean against it. I copied him and we sat, sort of squashed, side by side. It was dark in the room but there was just enough moonlight coming in through the cracks in the curtains for us to see each other.

"So you're mad at the guys, huh?"

I nodded.

"Well… I've been there a few times myself. What you mad at?"

I put my head back and looked up at the ceiling, feeling tears coming again and quickly filled Daniel in on recent events. None of it seemed to surprise him.

"I can see why you'd be mad. I'd be mad too," Daniel said and though Brian and even Adam had told me it was okay for me to be mad, it felt good to have someone else validate my feelings.

"Thing is," Daniel continued then, "You can be mad all you want. In my experience, it never changes their minds…".

"I know," I said glumly.

"So, you're gonna have to just accept it. You can't be mad forever."

I turned to look at him then. "You don't accept everything they say! So why should I?"

"Yea, I do."

"No! You keep arguing over seeing Gary Sykes, even though Adam's told you you're not to!"

Daniel frowned. "That's a bit different to what you're talking about here…"

"Why?" I demanded.

"Well… because it is…," he said, sounding a bit impatient with me.

I gave him a dubious look. "Adam always says that's not an answer."

Daniel stared at me for a minute and then he cracked a smile and said, "Fair enough."

There was a moment of silence and then he said, probably to change the subject, "How's Brian's vouchers coming along?"

I huffed. "I haven't started them yet. And now I'm mad at Bri, so I don't feel like doing them."

Daniel's forehead creased in disapproval. "That's really petty, Heidi. And childish."

"I am a child!"

"Yea… but you're not petty. You're better than that. Come on now, how you gonna feel if Tuesday comes and you haven't made Bri his birthday present coz you were mad?"

I didn't answer him, though I knew I'd feel terrible inside. Daniel took my silence for stubbornness and said. "Do Adam or Brian ever not do things for us coz they're mad at us? Do you think they'd ever not give us a birthday gift, or Christmas gift because they were mad? Or not give us supper or buy us the stuff we need when they're mad?"

"No…" I admitted.

"Right," Daniel said. "So just think about that when you're making your decision."

I looked down at my fingernails then and heaved a big sigh. I knew he was right. Daniel knows me well enough for him to realise he had gotten through to me.

"C'mon. Let's go to sleep now, I'm beat!" Daniel said. He pulled out the pillow from behind him and lay back down on his bed.

"Can I stay with you here tonight. Please? I promise I won't kick," I said quietly.

Daniel's eyes were already closed again. "Fine. But hush up already."

I arranged the pillow and lay down, staring at the ceiling and thinking about what Daniel had said.

 **Hey y'all. I haven't forgotten or abandoned my other story- I've just been madly busy at work. Thanks to all who read and review.**


	33. The man in the restaurant

It took me a little while to fall asleep, even next to Daniel, but I did. When I woke up in the morning to Brian's voice in the hallway hollering at us to get up, I saw that Daniel had moved himself to Crane's bed. He was buried under the covers, paying no mind to the volume of Brian's wake up call. He's always been a slow riser in the morning.

I threw back Daniel's covers and walked across the room to the door, intent on hopefully getting into the bathroom first. Brian looked confused when I came out of Daniel's room into the hallway.

"Morning, kiddo. What you doin' in there so early?" he asked me.

I yawned, still tired from my broken asleep although I didn't feel as bad as the day before.

"I couldn't sleep so I came into Daniel's room."

"Oh… okay. And did you manage to sleep there?"

I nodded.

"That's good."

Brian smiled at me encouragingly. Kindly even. I knew he was trying to be nice to me because of his and Adam's decisions the day before. Not that he's ever nasty or anything. But despite what Daniel had said the night before, I wasn't quite ready to be so easy with him. Or Adam. Like I said, I'm stubborn, so I just said "Yea," and stalked past him into the bathroom. I would have liked to slam the door, but I didn't dare.

/

On our way walking to the bus stop for school, Evan and Guthrie were up ahead slightly, and Daniel and I were lagging a bit behind. Ford had been kept home because he was running a fever, which had made the morning a bit chaotic. As we were walking, I asked Daniel why he had moved into Crane's bed and he looked at me like he couldn't believe I was asking that question.

"You sleep like you're playing a soccer match, Heidi," he said, bumping my shoulder with his side playfully.

"Oops. Sorry!"

Daniel smiled at me and pulled on my tiny ponytail that I was only now able being able to make because my bob had grown a little over the last couple of weeks. "S'ok."

Then he said, "So you're still pretty mad, huh?"

It sort of came out of nowhere, so I was a bit confused at first.

"What d'you mean?"

"At Adam. And Brian. You're still really mad," he said, like he was stating a fact rather than asking a question.

I sighed. "Yea… why?"

Daniel adjusted his backpack on his shoulder. "No reason. I just thought we'd cleared that up last night is all."

"I heard you. And I'm still gonna make Bri's birthday present for him. But I'm still really mad, Daniel. I feel madder at them than I've ever been before," I said.

As I was speaking, I could feel the anger bubbling in my tummy.

Daniel didn't really say anything. He just surveyed me as we walked.

"I thought you'd understand," I said, looking down at the ground. My eyes blurred with tears, but it was because I was tired. Being tired always made me cry more easily.

Daniel put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. "I do," he said, quietly, "Just looking out for you. I don't want to see you get in trouble is all."

"How d'you know I'm still mad?" I asked.

Daniel laughed. "Are you kidding? You were downright ornery this morning at breakfast. I'm surprised the guys didn't say anything. I guess they're giving you a free pass."

I thought for a second back to earlier that morning. I didn't think I had been particularly rude. I hadn't yelled, I hadn't backtalked, I hadn't thrown a fit. And when Adam or Brian had spoken to me, I had answered them, albeit with short, clipped answers. But I was careful that they couldn't tell me I was being disrespectful. And I told Daniel so.

"Sure… that's true. But you were just, kind of… hostile. All I'm saying is don't expect their patience to last forever. Take it from someone who knows."

I thought about Daniel was saying. I wanted to tell him that the same applied to him over Gary Sykes, but I didn't feel like alienating an ally at that moment, so I just kept quiet.

/

I was subdued the whole day. I told Olivia first thing in the morning that my brothers had said I couldn't go to San Francisco with her family and felt the crashing wave of disappointment all over again. Olivia pestered me a bit to ask again, but I knew there was no point.

I did all my work and I managed to stay awake in class, but like I said, I was withdrawn. Mrs Whitby asked me to stay behind for a minute at lunchtime. I sighed inside, feeling a bit hassled by her. I stayed in my seat while everyone else traipsed outside and she came and sat in the seat in front of me. She smiled at me.

"Are you feeling any better today, Heidi?" she asked me, kindly.

"Yes ma'am."

"Hmm, because you seem very quiet today. Everything alright?"

"Uh huh." I just wanted out as quickly as possible. I knew that she was just trying to be nice, but why couldn't she just leave me alone?

"Alright, Heidi. You can come and talk to me anytime. You hear?"

I thought darkly to myself that she was the very last person I would talk to as this was all her fault. But of course, I didn't say that. I settled for a "Thank you ma'am" before I went outside.

/

Adam wasn't home when we got home from school, but Brian was because Ford had been home sick all day and was now lying on the couch watching a movie. Out of all my brothers, Ford is the one who milks it a bit when he's sick. I was still in a foul mood and decided I wanted to be by myself so turned Guthrie down when he asked me to come down to the creek with him. I worked on Brian's vouchers for a while, up in my room. I had been worried I wouldn't be able to put my heart into it because of how I was feeling, but I actually found the coloring and designing very soothing. After that, I wandered outside and did my chores and then played with Splotch and Polly for a bit. I ended up in the corral with the horses, thinking I might take myself off for a ride. I'm not generally into riding too much and neither Guthrie nor I have our own horses like our brothers do. We both know how to ride though, and ride well. Sometimes I like it, but it seems like an awful lot of trouble every time you want to get on a horse, what with tacking up and then untacking it and all the grooming. I've seen how much time my brothers spend grooming. And another problem with riding, especially when I was younger, is that I was too little to tack up the horse myself: the saddle was too heavy, and I didn't have the strength to fasten the cinches properly. So, I normally needed someone to help me with it.

Today though, I just felt like it. Luckily for me, Brian's horse, Quincey, was fully tacked up in the corral. That's unusual for my brothers, because they'll normally untack their horse when they're finished riding it for the day, but I figured that maybe Brian had needed to head inside quickly to tend to Ford. In any case, I knew he would be making supper and wouldn't need Quincey any time soon, so I told myself it would be okay for take him for a short ride.

I couldn't easily get in the saddle on my own without the help of a brother or a step, because Quincey's a huge horse, so I led him outside of the corral, and after shutting the gate, I tied Quincey lightly next to the to the corral fence and used it as a step ladder to settle myself on the saddle. And then, I started cantering out towards the west pasture of our land. One of my oldest brothers' rules is that if you go riding alone, you need to tell someone in which direction you're riding. Even Adam and Brian do it if they head out on their own, which they do a lot. So, I knew that I was supposed to go inside and tell Brian, or someone else where I was going. But I didn't feel so much like talking to him, and I figured that I really wouldn't be very long and that I could return Quincey to the corral before Brian even knew I was gone.

I rode for ten minutes away from the house at a leisurely pace, enjoying the wind on my face, even though it was bracing. But as I was continuing out further, I saw a rider in the distance on horseback galloping in my direction and knew instinctively from the way the horse was moving that it was Adam. All my brothers ride a bit differently. I sighed internally wondering why it was that Adam seemed to pop his head around every corner that I tried to hide in. I thought quickly that I could turn the horse around and just ride away, but rationally, it was unfeasible, so I slowed down the pace of the horse until I came to a stop and just waited there for Adam to approach me. He was beside me, facing the opposite direction within less than a minute, a panicked expression on his face.

"What's happened? Why are you on Brian's horse?" he demanded without preamble as he rode up, halting his horse abruptly.

"Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to ride a bit."

"Oh…and Brian tacked up for you, or what?"

I hesitated for a second before answering. "Not exactly."

"What does that mean?" Adam asked, the crease in his brown becoming ever more furrowed by the second. He gets that look when he's either really mad about something, or really serious about something.

"Quincey was in the corral, already tacked up," I said.

"And so Bri said you could take him?"

I hesitated again.

"Heidi!" Adam barked.

"No. I just took him. And before you ask, no, I didn't tell Brian I was going either," I said, defiantly, raising my eyes to meet his and jutting out my chin. I knew I was pushing it, but I was so mad and feeling so ornery that I was willing to take whatever punishment was coming my way, even if it was a spanking.

Adam studied me for a long few moments, really intently. It made me squirm under his gaze. When he looks at me like that, it makes me feel like he's peering into my soul, dramatic as that sounds. My heart was hammering in my chest, fully expecting him to start hollering, or pull me down from my horse and tan my backside then and there.

But all he said after a long, intense look at me was, "Ride with me."

He nudged his horse to stroll forward slowly and so I turned my horse around and rode in the same direction and at the same pace as him. I refused to look at him though, just staring out in front of me. We rode in silence for a few moments and I was just beginning to wonder where this was going, when Adam broke the silence and said, "I spoke to Violet today. She wanted to know what we had decided about San Francisco and so I told her. She asked if you wanted to go to the mall with her and Olivia tomorrow afternoon and then stay the night."

I looked at Adam quickly, "And now you're going to tell me I can't go, right?" I said, as moodily as a I dared.

I was staring ahead when I felt Adam's eyes on me. "No, actually. I was goin' to tell you that it was fine if you wanted to go, but now I'm not so sure. You're behavin' like a brat, Heidi, and bratty children don't get rewarded with gettin' to do nice things," he said in a mild, matter of fact tone which belied the sternness of the words.

My eyes filled with tears for what seemed like the millionth time in the past couple of days. "I'm sorry, Adam, but I'm just so mad at you!"

I squeezed my eyes shut to curb the tears, feeling distanced from him and self-conscious about crying in front of him.

"I know," said Adam in the same mild tone. "You can be as mad at me as you like for as long as you need to be, Heidi. But it doesn't give you the right to break family rules, especially ones as important as tellin' someone where you're ridin' to. It's for your own safety.

"Okay," I said quietly and then , "Can I still go out with Olivia tomorrow?"

"You can. I'm sympathetic to how frustrated you're feelin'. But you can be on dish duty all weekend for breakin' an important house rule. Understood?"

"Yes, sir," I said.

Adam glanced at me and then looked back, straight ahead.

"Don't call me sir."

/

The next day, Olivia and her mom picked me up at the house just after midday. Adam had offered Violet that he could take me to their house, but Violet had insisted that it was more convenient for her to swing by and get me and go to the mall in Sonora straight from there. She and Adam had a conversation through the rolled down car window and she asked him if it was okay to take me to the nail salon so we could all have manicures. I think she was sort of paranoid about taking me to do anything now that my brothers wouldn't approve of after the pierced ears debacle. Adam shrugged and said he didn't have a problem with it. He smiled at me through the car window and held up his hand to say goodbye and then told me to have a fun time and that he'd see me on Sunday. I answered him and told him bye too. To Olivia and her mom, it may not have seemed like there was anything wrong between us, but anyone who knew us well, like the family or close family friends, would be able to tell that I was being cold and perfunctory towards him.

I had done the dishes the night before and that morning without any argument. I had done all my chores without complaining. Brian had gone out the previous evening, but the rest of my brothers had all watched a movie together downstairs. I chose to stay up in my room working on Brian's vouchers away from everyone. Adam had read to Guthrie and me; he had sat next to Guthrie and I had tolerated it when he had kissed me goodnight. It wasn't that I was trying to be so cold to him: it was just that I was having real trouble processing all my feelings. So, I was absolutely ready to get some space from the ranch and my brothers for a night when Violet picked me up.

I really enjoyed my time at the nail salon because it was my first time and I felt special. Olivia and I had manicures and we got out nails painted a very light shimmery pink, while Violet had her fingernails and toenails painted a vibrant red colour. Afterwards we went to the mall and had ice cream and did a little window shopping before Violet bought both Olivia and me pretty hair barrettes which I couldn't wait to try out, although I thought irritably that Adam and Brian would probably see them as frivolous and inappropriate ranch wear, which I had to admit, they were.

After all that, we went for a late lunch at an all-American diner, although a bit more upmarket than an average one, near the mall. It was well into mid-afternoon so there really weren't that many people in the restaurant after the lunchtime rush. The waitress came and took our orders and Violet ordered a small glass of wine with her lunch. We talked a bit about school and other things and then Violet started asking me questions about the family. She seemed fascinated about how we lived and who did what.

"But who does all the cooking and cleaning? And then laundry! Good heavens, there must be so much laundry in your house with that many people," Violet said, clasping her hands on the table, and leaning forward.

"Mom!" Olivia said, looking embarrassed.

Violet looked innocently at Olivia. "What darling? I'm only asking a question. Heidi doesn't mind, do you Heidi?"

I shook my head. "No, it's ok," I said. I truly didn't mind. There was no malice in Violet's tone. Although people in our town knew about our situation, I still found that they were sometimes curious about how we lived because although it was normal for me, I guess some people found it unique. So I was used to answering questions.

"Brian does all the cooking. And then we all have cleaning chores every week. We have a rota for who does the dishes every night. Brian does most of the laundry too. Crane used to help him a lot, but now that he's gone, Adam helps."

Violet's brow wrinkled. "Crane- I don't think I've met him. Is he the one at college?"

I nodded. "That's right. But he's coming home next week for Thanksgiving!"

Violet smiled at me. "I bet you're really looking forward."

"I am!" I said. I really was. Even just talking about it gave me a skip of excitement in my belly. It seemed like so long ago that we had last seen him, when actually, it hadn't been more than 5 or 6 weeks.

Violet asked me some other questions then and I answered her.

It was around that time that I noticed a man coming in through the restaurant doors. From where I was sitting, I had a good view of the door and afterwards, when I was giving a witness statement to police about what had gone on, I explained that I had had a sense that something was about to happen. I don't know how I knew- it was like what Brian had once explained to me as the sixth sense. The man was stockily built and muscular, not that that's anything to be scared of. It was more expression on his face that piqued my danger sensors. It was hostile. Predatory even. Like a lion, I told the police.

One minute I was answering Violet's questions, and the next I was drowned out by aggressive hollering between the man and our waitress. She was standing by the bar, collecting an order of drinks- it looked like ours- when the man approached her and grabbed her arm. The waitress did appear to be surprised to see him. She shrugged off his arm and hissed something at him, but the man grabbed her arm again more forcefully and she dropped the tray of drinks on the floor. It had made a resounding crash, prompting everyone in the restaurant to stop and stare at them. That's when the two of them started screaming at each other: it was the kind of swearing I sort of knew about but had never heard in person before. At some point he called her a lying, cheating bitch and she screamed something at him about never seeing their children again.

And then, everything happened so quickly, but also in slow motion, if it's possible for these two things to co-exist. The waitress yelled to the waiter behind the bar to call the police and the man's expression became even more enraged. When he reached under the back of his shirt and took something out which had been tucked into his jeans, I knew it was gun before I even saw it- don't ask me how.

I felt that cold flash of fear which starts in your belly and flushes through your whole body when you believe you're in imminent danger. Instinctively, I squeezed my eyes shut, and as I told police later, the next thing I remember is the sound of a gunshot reverberating through the air.


	34. Aftermath

Everything was a blur after that. I know that straight after the sound of the shot, there was a second of silence and then screaming. A lot of it- mainly from an older woman who had been sitting in a table not far from us. I opened my eyes and saw the waitress who had been shot, lying on the floor, clutching her side. Blood had pooled out of the shot wound and was seeping out between her fingers that were pressed against her side. And then, chaos ensued. The man who had shot our waitress looked aghast at what he had done and turned quickly, fleeing out the front door the way he had come. The waiter behind the bar leapt over it and pressed his hands against the side of the waitress who had been shot, replacing her hands with his. Another waitress, whom I hadn't noticed before, ran to the phone and dialled a number which I'm presuming was 911 because the police and ambulance arrived not long after that. Violet stood up so abruptly that she knocked her chair over and grabbed both me and Olivia by the arm and pulled us into her. She cradled both of her heads into her, one on each side of her, and then she said, "Don't look!" She turned us away from the horrifying sight. Olivia started crying then, and so her mom hugged her and also me to her more tightly. I didn't cry- not because I wasn't horrified with what had just happened, but more because I couldn't believe my eyes. At that moment, I just wanted Adam or Brian, or preferably both there with me to scoop me out of this situation and take me home.

It seemed like no time at all - really only a few minutes or so before I heard the sound of sirens and then, not even a minute later, police officers and paramedics ran in through the front door of the restaurant. Olivia and I pulled away from Violet, instinctively it seemed like: we just couldn't help but watch the horror unfolding in front of us. It was like the scene of a movie, although if truth be told, I hadn't seen too many movies like that because Adam and Brian didn't like Guthrie or me, or even Ford to watch 'non-age appropriate' shows as they called them. There were two officers- two men and when they entered, they had their weapons pointed, which made the screaming woman shriek even louder. I wished she would just shut up, or that the friend she was with could make her shut up.

The paramedics rushed straight to the shot waitress and took over from the waiter, who still had his hands over her wound. When he took his hands away, they were covered in blood, and I momentarily thought of Halloween and how Guthrie and I had dressed up as twin zombies and used ketchup as blood. Real blood was much darker than ketchup it seemed.

One of the police officers said something into his radio about the suspect having fled the scene, while the other one put his gun back into its holster and approached the screaming lady and her friend, presumably to calm them down. The other one, who had radioed, did the same with his gun and then quickly came up to where Violet, Olivia and I were standing. He barked at us, asking us what the suspect was wearing, what he looked like, what his build was like. His manner was abrasive, and both Olivia and I automatically shrank back from his growling. We let Violet answer his questions, to which he then relayed the information into the radio.

"Are both these children yours, ma'am?" the officer asked Violet, gesturing to Olivia and me.

Violet shook her head. She put her hand on Olivia's shoulder and said, "No. This one's mine and Heidi is her friend," she said.

"Uh huh," the police officer said, looking like he couldn't care less what the details were, "Well, we're gonna have to have you come down to the station. Give a witness account of what you saw."

I felt immediate panic- all I wanted to do was go home. In my head I naively thought that Violet could just drive us away from there and take me back to the ranch.

"I want to go home!" I said to her in alarm.

"You'll get to go home after comin' to the station. We'll call your mom and daddy from there," the officer said brusquely.

I felt like crying then, and Violet must have seen it, because she put her arm around me again.

"We'll call your big brothers from the station," she said soothingly and then she said to the officer, "I don't feel up to driving."

"We'll have you escorted in a police vehicle then," he said. He turned quickly and headed towards his other partner.

The paramedics had the put the waitress on a stretcher by that time and were carting her out the door and into an ambulance.

Olivia looked up at her mother. "Mom, why did that man shoot the waitress?" she asked, through her tears.

Violet looked unsure. "I don't know, honey. We'll have to let the police do their job and find out."

The barky officer called over to us then, and told us that a patrol car had arrived and would take us down to the station. The three of us sat in the back, Violet in the middle of us, holding one of our hands each. I had never been in a police car, and in other circumstance, I might have enjoyed it, or at least enjoyed that I would be able to tell Guthrie about it, but now I couldn't wait to get to the station because it seemed one step closer to getting home.

When we got to the station, we were guided into a waiting room of sorts. It was fairly comfortable with large chairs, big enough for Olivia and me to sit together on one of them and bottles of water in the room as well. We were joined by the other people who had been at the restaurant- the screaming woman (who had since stopped screaming but was looking extremely pale) and her friend, as well as a young couple who had been in the restaurant as well. There was no sign of the waiter who had stemmed the blood flow from the shot waitress, or the other staff who had been at the restaurant.

Another officer, a man also, older though, and much nicer than the original response officer came into the room and asked all of us for our next of kin information and their numbers. Violet told him to call her husband and gave the man her home telephone number. She spoke for me too.

"And for Heidi," she said, gesturing to me, "you need to call her big brothers who are her legal guardians. Heidi, do you know the number for the ranch?"

Of course, I did- I could recite the ranch number by rote since I was 4, and so I quickly gave the officer my number.

"What's your full name, honey?" the officer asked me. I noticed that he had kind eyes, like our family physician, Dr Meade.

"Heidi McFadden."

"And what's your guardian's name?"

"Adam McFadden. But if he's not in the house, you could ask for Brian McFadden too."

The officer smiled at me and patted my knee. "Okay, little lady. I'm sure someone from home will be here very soon," he said.

I hoped fervently that either one of my oldest brothers would be in the house to take the call, rather than out and about on the ranch. If one of my other brothers took the call, then who knew how long it would take them to find Adam or Brian.

/

It seemed like an eternity before Adam arrived, but in reality, it couldn't have been more than 30 minutes. Another police officer- a woman this time came into the room and announced for a Heidi McFadden to follow her because her daddy had arrived. I didn't bother to correct her. Afterwards, at home that night, when I was thinking about everything and about how long it actually took to get to Sonora from our house, I realised he must have broken every speed limit along the way to get there that quickly. I jumped up, without even a backward glance at Olivia and Violet, and followed the policewoman down the corridor to the processing room. I saw Adam through the glass doors before he saw me. He was pacing back and forth and when he looked up, just before seeing me, I noted a wild expression in his eyes that I had never seen before.

"Adam!" I yelled, knocking on the glass, before the police woman pushed the door open for me.

I saw relief flood Adam's features at the sight that I was unharmed- well, physically at least.

"Heidi! Thank god you're okay," he said. He knelt down to my level and enfolded me in an enormous hug, kissing my forehead a number of times over. I held on to him for dear life, feeling like I never wanted to let go. After a short period of time, he pulled back, but kept one arm around my waist and cupped my face with his other hand.

"You alright?" he asked me, his eyes frantically searching mine to ascertain I was okay.

I nodded. But now that I was with one of the people I felt safest with in the whole world, I felt the hysteria that was deep inside bubbling up and pouring out.

"I'm okay, but it was horrible, Adam! This guy… he just came into the restaurant and then there was yelling and cussing and then he shot her and there was so much blood and I… I … I've never been more scared in my whole life," I cried, culminating my outburst by bursting into noisy tears.

"I know, baby, I know," Adam said, before pulling me back into him and holding me tightly again.

"I want to go hoooooommmmeee," I sobbed, though my voice was muffled from being buried in his shirt.

"Adam pulled back and his eyes met mine. He pushed back my hair and kissed my forehead again.

"We will in a little while, honey. You just gotta tell the police what you saw," he said, his lips still against my forehead.

After Adam had calmed me down further, the police woman said that I could wait out in the reception area on the chair there with him instead of going back into the room with the rest everybody else.

Soon after we had sat down, Olivia's dad arrived to pick up Olivia and her mom. He talked to me briefly, asking me if I was okay, and then he shook Adam's hand and spoke some with him while he waited for Olivia and Violet to come through. Olivia ran straight into her dad's arms when she saw him, like I had to Adam. When Olivia's dad hugged Violet, she started to cry. That scared me. I wasn't used to seeing grown ups cry- I had never seen Adam or Brian cry. I looked at Adam, terrified. He seemed to know what I was thinking. He squeezed my hand and said, "It's okay. Sometimes grown ups need to cry too."

Olivia and her mom and dad got to leave after that. They had been in, telling the police their account of what happened while I was with Adam.

Violet hugged me before they left, and then she turned tearfully to Adam.

"I'm so sorry, Adam. If I'd know this was going to happen, I would have never…"

Adam shook his head. "Don't be silly, this isn't your fault at all," he said.

Violet took a shuddering breath. "But I just feel so responsible."

"You're not. Only one responsible is that bas-" He glanced quickly at Olivia and me, "- at that man who did this."

Violet nodded in acknowledgement.

Then, Olivia and I hugged before she left.

"Is it scary?" I asked her, referring to having to talk to the police.

Olivia shook her head. "No… it's ok. They were nice. You just have to say what you saw. My mom asked, and they said the woman is in the hospital still alive."

That made me feel better, although I was still scared to tell them what had happened. It was the police officer with the kind eyes who interviewed me in a small room with only one window. Adam was allowed to stay with me because of my age. When the officer asked me my version of events, I looked apprehensively at Adam. He smiled encouragingly at me.

"Just tell the truth," he said.

I told the officer what I had seen, and he noted it down. Saying the words out loud, verbalising everything that had happened felt strange to me. Like I hadn't even been there really. Like it had happened to someone else. The officer spoke to Adam after that- said something about a follow up if necessary, but I wasn't really listening. I just wanted to get out of there.

On the ride home in the truck, I sat right up, almost squashed against Adam, even though there was plenty of room. I just wanted to be as close to him as possible. He must have found it claustrophobic, but if he did, he didn't say anything. We didn't talk, apart from Adam telling me that everyone at home would be real glad to see me. He put on one of the family's favorite radio stations which plays country music on a low volume. I was glad because it distracted me from the buzzing in my head. Music has always done that for me. Animals too.

Adam hadn't driven fully up to our house yet when I saw the front door open and my brothers pile out quickly, almost falling over each other in their attempts to get out first.

"Does everyone know?" I asked Adam, nervously. I don't know why I felt nervous- it wasn't like I had done anything wrong. I just didn't want them to ask me lots of questions about it after I had had to rehash everything at the police station.

"Brian knew some of it before I left, but by the looks of it, he's told the whole brigade.

Before Adam had even put the car in park, we were surrounded by the mob of brothers. I separated from Adam's side and moved towards the passenger door to get out, but before I could pull the handle, Daniel opened the passenger door of the truck and practically pulled me out, hugging me fiercely as he did so. I was handed to Ford and then Evan and then Guthrie and there was a deafening din of their voices all talking at once and demanding to know things like, "What happened?" and "Are you okay?" I stood there, by the truck, a bit dizzy by the boisterousness of the rabble. I felt like I might faint. Both Adam and Brian must have seen it, because together, they shushed the rest of my brothers. Brian took my hand, guiding me away from the truck door and then he picked me up and carried me towards the house. He didn't say anything to me, but just from his actions, I knew how much the events of the afternoon must have shaken him because Brian's not one for babying me. Or any of us really. He was affectionate with us, especially at bedtimes when we were younger, or for example, after a punishment, but it was very out of character for him to just pick me up, out the blue like that. Ordinarily, I may have complained at being treated like a four-year-old, but right now, it felt right. Like I needed it.

Brian took me into the house, followed by the crowd of the rest of my brothers and Adam. He put me down on the couch, sitting down next to me, and then carded his fingers through my hair.

"You okay?" he said, his eyes searching mine.

I nodded. "Uh huh."

"What the hell happened out there?" Evan asked. His sentiments were sounded again in a barrage of noise by Daniel, Ford and Guthrie. I shut my eyes.

"That's enough. Leave your sister alone," Adam said, his voice sounding like thunder. That was the voice he used when he wanted to stop my brothers or me when we were completely out of hand. The five of us called it his 'scary voice'. It shocked the boys into silence, and they looked at him wide eyed.

His expression softened then. "I didn't mean to sound mad. I'm not mad. At any of you anyway. It's just Heidi's had a bad shock today and this badgerin' her isn't gonna help. Use your gentle voices."

"Sorry, Heidi; we didn't mean to scare ya," Daniel said, softly. The boys echoed him.

"It's ok," I said because I didn't want to make them feel bad.

I had a sudden urge to be outside with my rabbit, in the quiet, with all the green around me.

"I want to check on Splotch," I told my brothers, mostly directing it at Adam and Brian.

They exchanged a look, one of those looks that they do sometimes where they're working something out between them. Sometimes I wonder how and when they perfected that look, or whether they could do it before they became parents to all of us.

"Alright then- just for a little while before supper," Adam said.

"I'll come out with you!" Guthrie said and then Evan said that he'd come too.

"Go on ahead, Heidi. The boys'll follow you in a minute," Brian said.

Evan and Guthrie looked questioningly at Brian, but he shook his head slightly, and they seemed to understand what he meant. I headed out the front door and towards the chicken pen. Halfway there though, I decided I was a bit chilly so decided to run back inside to get my jacket. As I was coming in through the back door where I knew my jacket was in the mudroom, I caught the tail end of a conversation between my brothers who were now in the kitchen. It was clearly about me, even though I didn't hear my name.

"And so you're gonna have to be real gentle with her," I heard Adam say.

"We will be," Daniel said.

"Poor kid. She seems to be doin' ok though," Brian said.

"Yea," said Adam, "But one of the police officers at the station said it's likely she'll be up and down. It's a lot for an adult to take in, never mind a kid her age."

I heard Brian murmur his assent before I heard him say, "Well, we'll watch her carefully over the next few weeks. Make sure she's dealin' with it in the right way."

I left after that, grabbing my jacket from the mudroom and quietly going out the back door again, feeling weird about my family discussing me like that. I wasn't sure I liked it.

I had just taken Splotch from her hutch and carted her out of the pen to sit on the grass with me, when the front door opened, and Guthrie came out of it and headed towards me. There was no sign of Evan, even though he had said before he would come out too. When Guthrie reached me, he flopped down on the grass with me. I concentrated on stroking Splotch. Guthrie picked at some grass not really saying anything, just being with me. He's good like that.

"Did everyone talk about me when I left?" I asked him.

"Yea," he said, immediately, not even trying to hide it. I'd known when I asked him that he would tell me the truth because Guthrie and I told each other everything. Plus, Guthrie literally has no tact or sensitivity in some situations.

I buried my face in Splotch's fur, kissing the top of her head. She was already having a calming effect on me.

"What did they say about me?"

"Adam told us not to bug you by asking you any questions about what happened."

"Oh…"

"Yea. And we asked Adam, but he wouldn't tell us everything. So, what did happen?"

I sighed. I really didn't want to talk about it again.

"I'll tell you another time, Guth. I don't wanna think about it again right now," I said.

I could tell from Guthrie's facial expression that he really wanted to know the details.

"Promise you'll tell me?" Guthrie said.

"Promise."

"Adam and Brian'll kill me if they know I asked you. Don't tell them," he said then, quickly.

I would never tell on Guthrie, but I told him I wouldn't tell anyway to assure him.

/

It was during supper that I think the events of the day really hit me. It kind of came out of the blue. Brian had made my favorite meal of all time: spaghetti bolognaise. He didn't draw attention to it, but I knew he had done it to cheer me up. Instead of it making me feel better though, it made me feel worse. Guilty even. Guilty that I had been so mad at Brian for the decision about Saturday school that I had even considered not making him his birthday present, while here he was, making my favorite meal as a small way to show me how much he cared about me. His way of trying to make me feel marginally better. And Adam- I had been so mean to Adam: not talking to him and telling him that I didn't want him to tuck me in and read to me, but he had rushed down to the police station immediately to be with me after it happened, and then had protected me like a bear protects her cub from the rest of the boys' questions when I'd gotten home. The guilt sat like a hard rock in the pit of my stomach, and yet I still couldn't hand on heart say that I wasn't still mad that I had to go to something I so desperately didn't want to attend. And now, sitting down at the table with everyone, with a meal in front of me, and chatting buzzing about me, I just kept hearing the sound of the gun shot over and over in my head and seeing the image of the waitress lying on the ground in a pool of her own blood again and again and again.

I put down my fork and cradled my head in hands, shaking my head to get rid of the awful thoughts, as though I could change them as easily as shaking a magic 8 ball and crying, "Go away, go away!"

Suddenly, I felt hands on my forearms, trying to tug my hands away from my head.

"Heidi," I heard Adam say. The table had gone silent. It amplifyed the sounds and sights in my head.

Adam pushed his chair back a bit, and then pulled me out my chair to him. He stood me between his legs and wrapped his arms around me. He rubbed my back and stroked my hair, saying, "It's okay kiddo. You're okay."

But instead of his actions calming me, I started to shake uncontrollably. I wasn't cold or anything, but it was like I had no control over the convulsive motions my body was making.

"Adam, it's delayed shock." I heard Brian say, before I heard the sound of someone else crying and then Brian's voice: "It's alright, Guth. Adam's got her."

"Yea," Adam said. He stood up, picking me up with him. I clung onto him, like a monkey, sobbing into his shoulder by this time, my body continuing to have a life of its own. Adam maintained his tight grip on me around my waist. He put one hand on the back of my head, and then he started to talk to me quietly in my ear. Things like, "You're safe now, honey. Adam's here. I'm not gonna let anythin' happen to you. None of us are. You're okay. You're not in any danger now, so you can calm down."

And I guess that must have tapped into my subconscious, because slowly and surely after a few minutes of his soothing ministrations, my body started to shake a little less violently.

"That's my brave girl," Adam said, comfortingly in my ear, "You're doin' so well."

 **Thanks for the engagement of readers and reviewers. I agree I'm putting Heidi through the ringer and obviously it'll affect her in different ways for a while. I did question whether it was a bit too dramatic for a story like this, but having watched the show, the McFaddens go through all sorts on there so I decided to do it. Don't worry though, coz Crane's homecoming is imminent, and he always brings a calming effect.**


	35. Dealing with it

It didn't take too long after that for my body to stop shaking completely. Adam had taken me into the living room while I was calming down, probably to give the rest of my brothers some peace while they ate supper. Now, I sat on his lap in an armchair while one arm rubbed my back and the other held me tightly to him. I felt completely worn out: more tired than I had ever been. Like I could sleep for days. I laid my head against Adam's shoulder, my crying reduced to sniffling.

"I think you need some sleep, but how about a warm bath before bed?" Adam said quietly in my ear.

I'd have preferred just to go straight to sleep, but I did also feel icky from the day, and so a bath sounded nice because I could just sit there, and it didn't require too much effort.

"Okay," I said.

"Good girl. I'll go run you one. You want to come with or stay down here and eat some more of your supper?"

I wasn't hungry at all, and what's more is that I felt mortally embarrassed to face the rest of my brothers who had been witness to my undignified meltdown at the table. I knew it was silly to feel that way because they were family and I'd seen all of them in various states over the years, but still.

"Come with."

"C'mon then," Adam said.

He gently pushed me off his lap so we could both stand up, and then he guided me up the stairs with one hand on my back.

"Go get your pjs ready while I'm runnin' the bath, and then come and brush your teeth."

I went into my room and rummaged sleepily through my pyjama drawer, taking out my most favorite set. They were flannel and really soft after having been washed so many times. They were getting a little small for me, but I had kicked up such a fuss when Adam suggested getting rid of them that he had hadn't mentioned it again. After that, I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth. The bath wasn't quite full enough yet, so Adam took the hairbrush from the cabinet and sat me on the lid of the toilet seat while he brushed it out.

"I want to wash my hair," I said, interrupting his brushing by my turning my head to look at him. I knew it would take longer, but I also felt like I wanted to get every grimy part of the day off me.

Adam looked at me doubtfully. "I don't think it's such a good idea you goin' to bed with wet hair," he said, "How about leavin' it for tomorrow? You can have an early shower so that you have time to dry it."

I didn't have the strength to argue with him about it, and I didn't really care that much, so I just agreed. Adam resumed brushing my hair and then, because it was still quite short, he pulled it into a tiny ponytail to get it out the way for my bath. Both Adam and Brian were quite adept at doing my hair. They couldn't do anything fancy, but they could pull it back and make it look neat and tidy, plus they were good about brushing out the tangles in a way that didn't hurt.

When my bath was finally ready, Adam made to leave the bathroom, telling me he'd check on me intermittently by knocking on the door. I had been showering predominantly in private for around a year now. Adam hadn't told me I had to or anything- it had been my choice. Being the old girl, I was conscious that my body was different to my brothers. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable with that fact- it was more that I was aware of it. And neither Adam nor Brian had pushed it or even commented on it, they just accepted it. The rule was that one of them had to know when I was in the bath or shower and that if they knocked on the door, I had to answer, otherwise they would come in.

Today though, feeling the way I did, so vulnerable, I found I didn't mind if he stayed.

"Can you stay with me?" I asked.

Adam looked momentarily surprised but recovered very quickly and said, "Sure."

I didn't take long in the tub because I was so tired. Adam used a plastic jug to pour water over me while I washed, to make it quicker. When I got out the bath, he helped me dry off and into my pyjamas.

As we were leaving the bathroom, I turned to him and said, "Can I stay in your room tonight?" Even though I was bone tired, a part of me worried I wouldn't be able to sleep after the events of the day.

Adam looked down at me thoughtfully and then he said, "I think it'd be good for you to try sleepin' in your own bed. But I'll stay with you until you go to sleep."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

We headed back to my room. I could hear my brothers messing around downstairs now in the living room, but I didn't stop to look down over the balcony and speak to anyone on my way to my room.

When I climbed into bed and snuggled down under the covers, Adam sat on the edge of my bed.

"It's been some day, huh?" he said to me.

"It's been the worst day of my whole life," I said dramatically.

He reached out a hand and stroked the side of my face with the back of his fingers.

"I know today was really frightenin' for you. But it's all over now, and tomorrow is a new day."

"Uh huh. Will you lie down with me until I go to sleep?" I asked him.

"Alright, but you gotta close your eyes and hush up. No gabbin'," he said, referring to what I sometimes did with him at bedtime which was to try to chat about things to stall going to sleep.

I obeyed him immediately and then felt the weight of him lie next to me on my bed. I snuggled down further under my covers, cuddling Rocket close to me for comfort. Being burrowed there in my bed in my favorite pyjamas with my favorite sheets and with Adam laying there next to me, I felt warm and safe and loved. I was asleep within minutes.

/

I slept so deeply that night that I didn't hear when Guthrie was brought to bed, nor did I hear him get up the next morning. I even missed breakfast- only waking up mid-morning. When I woke up, the house was completely silent. It disoriented me a little until I came to, but I did feel better having had such a good night's sleep. The events of the day before now seemed like a bad dream.

When I realised the time, I got myself dressed and ready for the day and headed downstairs. There was a note from Adam on the kitchen table telling me the general whereabouts of everybody and that I should have something to eat and then come out and find someone. Someone- Brian most probably- had left me breakfast in the warming oven- some eggs, bacon and pancakes. I ate it quickly, along with a glass or orange juice and then washed up my plate and headed outside.

It wasn't too warm outside, but the sun was shining brightly- one of those days that the sky is really blue. I love days like that, so I was already in a better mood. I'm really affected by the weather. Shading my eyes from the sun, I squinted, looking down towards the barn to see if I could spot anyone. Sure enough, I could see Brian down there with Evan in the paddock with both Diablo and Quincey- Brian's horse, that I had ridden the day before. As I headed towards them, I could see that the two of them were changing their horses' shoes. Well- Evan was going through the process of taking the old ones off, and Brian was applying the new ones with a nail. Typically, my brothers have to do this with their horses every 8 weeks because the shoes get worn down really quickly, especially with the amount of time my brothers spend on their horses. I knew from watching them in the past, that Evan wanted to learn how to nail them in, and it looked like Brian was teaching him.

They both looked up as I approached.

"If it isn't sleeping beauty!" Evan said playfully, "What time d'ya call this, huh?"

"You're just jealous," I told him lightly, climbing on to the paddock fence and perching atop it.

"Darn right. Some of us have been up working since dawn!"

"Stop your whinin' and get back to work," Brian said then, joining in the banter, cuffing Evan lightly on the top of his head.

I laughed, which caused me to lose my balance atop the fence, at which point Evan laughed. It felt good just to be messing around with my brothers again. I'd been feeling awkward about losing it at supper the night before, but neither of them seemed inclined to bring it up.

It appeared as though Diablo's front two hooves had already been done, and so now, he took one of Diablo's lower back legs and placed it up between his thighs. Brian handed him the scraper to clean out the hoof and the pincers to get the shoe off. He turned his attention to me.

"Sleep well?"

"Uh huh. Where's the others?"

"Daniel's out with Adam checkin' fence and Ford and Guth are around somewhere. They'll turn up for lunch most probably."

"Bri- this hoof's ready for nailing in the shoe," Evan said, interrupting us, "Can I do it?"

Brian moved closer to Diablo to inspect the hoof.

"I just want you to watch one more time, and then you can do the last one," Brian said to me.

"Look Bri! No hands!" I said, balancing atop the paddock fence on just my butt and with my arms and legs outstretched.

Brian glanced at me. "Incredible. You're ready to join the circus," he said, dryly.

I laughed and continued to try to balance but kept slipping off.

"Have you done your chores?" he asked me then, not looking at me as he concentrated on nailing in the horseshoe to Diablo's hoof. Evan watched him intently.

By this point I had the idea that I wanted to try walking atop the paddock fence and try to balance, as though I were walking a tightrope. When I didn't answer he glanced up at me.

"For Pete's sake, Heidi, get down from there before you break your neck!" he said, sharply.

I sighed but obeyed him. "You're no fun," I grumbled.

Brian's eyes mock narrowed. "Say that again," he said to me.

"Oooooooh, you're in for it now, Heidi," Evan said, laughing.

I giggled; I knew they were teasing me. "You're no fun!" I said, making a run for it. But Brian was too quick for me and gave chase, catching up with me and capturing me in record speed.

"I'll show you no fun," he said, tickling me mercilessly, making me howl with laughter.

"Say you're sorry!" Brian said, continuing to tickle me.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I gasped out through giggles.

"Say I'm your favorite brother," he said then, taking a break from tickling me.

"Adam's my favorite brother!" I said.

"Wrong answer!" he said, resuming his tickling.

"Okay, okay. You're my favorite brother!"

Brian stopped tickling me and let me go. "That's better."

I stood, still giggling, trying to get my breath back.

"Hey, Bri- I'm gonna put this other shoe on now!" Evan called over from where he had resumed his task. Brian turned to look at him.

"I'd better go supervise," he said to me.

"Hold up a minute!" he called over to Evan and then he turned back to me. "Go on and get your chores done."

Because I hadn't been home yesterday, that meant cleaning out the chicken coop which is a big job. I'm not above doing it on my own, but it does take a while and I sensed that with Brian's good mood, I could probably get him to lend a hand.

"Will you come help when you're done here?" I asked him, giving him a puppy dog look I know he finds hard to resist.

"We'll see," he said, already walking away from me. With Adam that always means no, but with Brian, it actually does mean 'we'll see', so when I headed towards the chickens, I was confident help would be headed my way fairly soon.

/

I was halfway through the job when both Brian and Evan showed up to the coop and with their help, we got the job done a lot quicker.

We chatted a bit about Crane coming home and Thanksgiving and I asked Brian what kind of cake he wanted on his birthday to which he replied chocolate, which wasn't really a surprise because he likes the same birthday cake every year. He's normally the baker, but on his birthday, Adam did it and whoever else wanted to get involved. I thought about how much I was looking forward to this week with everything that would happen, which helped push away some of the underlying feelings I still had about the day before and also the sense of unease I felt about having to go to school the next day.

It was while we were working that I just blurted out, "Bri, why do people shoot each other?"

I think my question surprised Brian because he took a moment before he answered. Evan stopped what he was doing, clearly interested in Brian's response.

Brian paused with the shovel in his hand and turned to face me. "There's no good answer for that, unfortunately, Heidi," he said.

"Well why do you think that man shot the waitress in the restaurant yesterday?" I said, my voice wobbling a bit. I could feel tears rising now and it caught me off guard because not long ago, I had been feeling ok, laughing and joking with Brian.

Brian heard the wobble in my voice and clocked my sudden change of mood. He put the shovel down completely, and then crouched in front of me, on the balls of his feet so that he could meet my eyes.

"I wasn't there, Heidi, so I can't say for sure. But I think the guy was probably angry at somethin' and he lost his mind a bit and acted in a real dangerous and reckless way."

"Oh…," I said, still not really understanding. Brian looked a bit unsure then, and that made me feel cast adrift because Brian was always sure of everything.

"Do you think the woman is okay?" I asked him then.

"I'm sure she is."

"But how can you know for sure?" I said, tears spilling over.

Brian took my hands in his. "I can't, honey, but I know that the doctors and nurses at the hospital are really good at their jobs and they'll do their best to help her."

I wasn't full out crying, but more than just sniffling now. Most of all, I felt confused and frustrated at these feelings which seemed to be coming out of nowhere after I had woken up and felt fine.

"Can we find out if she's ok?"

Again, Brian looked unsure. "I'll talk to Adam about it later. See what we can find out. Okay?"

"Okay," I said. I had one last question though that I really wanted to know.

"What will happen to the man?"

Brian stood up then and looked down at me.

"He'll be arrested and charged, and he'll go to prison," he said, sounding far surer now than he had the entire conversation.

I took a quivering breath and wiped my eyes. I wanted to be brave.

Brian pulled me into him then and hugged me to him. He bent over and kissed the top of my head and said into my hair, "You don't have to worry about him, Heidi. He can't hurt you. You're safe. Now, how about comin' inside after this and helpin' me fix lunch?"

/

I did end up helping Brian make lunch for everyone- he made tacos. I don't normally like to cook, but I didn't mind helping Brian when I was younger because he always made it fun for me and got me involved with everything. Ford and Guthrie also turned up and Brian put them to work in the kitchen too which was useful because Guthrie can be counted on to keep up a steady stream of chatter and this distracted me from the low mood that I had suddenly fallen into outside. When Brian had prepared everything for lunch, he said he needed to go and check the state of the tack room which Evan was supposed to be cleaning up as a punishment for something the day before- I didn't ask the details. That left me, Guthrie and Ford hanging around in the kitchen. The minute that Brian had gone out the back door, Guthrie turned to me.

"Tell us what happened yesterday, Heidi!"

"Guthrie!" Ford said, nudging him, "The guys said you're not to bug her!" He didn't sound particularly convincing though, so I knew he also wanted to know.

"Yea, but they're not here!" Guthrie protested.

"Guthrie!" a familiar voice said sharply from behind us all. It made all of us jump and we spun around to see Adam standing at the entrance to the kitchen from the mudroom with Daniel behind him. I don't know how they had managed to walk into the house without any of us clocking them, but sometimes those two can be very light on their feet.

"Oh hey, Adam," Guthrie said, trying to sound nonchalant.

Adam wasn't having any of it. "Didn't I tell you not to hassle your sister about yesterday?"

"It's okay, Adam, I don't mind," I said to him, wanting to stick up for Guthrie. The two of us always banded together in situations like this.

Adam barely glanced at me as he walked towards us. "It's not okay, it's direct disobedience."

"I didn't do anything, Adam," Ford said quickly, and I thought, a little sanctimoniously.

"I know, partner, I heard," Adam said. Ford looked relieved.

Adam pinned Guthrie with a hard look. "Apologise to your sister," he said.

"But I was just-"

"Now, Guthrie."

Guthrie looked directly at me now. "Sorry," he said softly.

"It's okay," I said, giving him a sympathetic smile.

"You can join Evan this afternoon doing some chores as a punishment," Adam said. He started to work with what Brian had prepared for lunch, instructing a subdued Guthrie and me to lay the table and sending Ford out to get Evan and Brian for lunch. As he was rinsing a dish in the sink, he caught me as I was getting cutlery out the drawer and said quietly, "How's your mornin' been?" which was his way of asking me how I was feeling.

"It was okay," I said lightly, taking the cutlery to the table. I didn't want to get into the conversation I had had with Brian earlier and I didn't want to show him I was a bit upset because that might mean he might get madder at Guthrie. He didn't say anything else about it though, and then the others came traipsing in the back door for lunch.

/

Because Guthrie was commandeered to do chores in the afternoon, he wasn't around for me to play with, and so I finished Brian's vouchers up in my room. Adam hadn't wanted to leave me alone up there- he tried to make me come outside with him, but when I explained about Brian's birthday gift and that I really wanted to finish it, he relented and told me where he would be so I could find him if I needed him. He brought the radio into my room and tuned it to a station I liked so I could have some music. I didn't mind being on my own drawing and coloring: I found it soothing and the music helped too. But I couldn't shake the feeling of uneasiness inside me, and it only intensified as the day turned into evening, and the sense of dread I felt after supper, when Adam instructed us to get our bags ready for school the next day.

I packed my bag and left it beside the front door, as we normally did. The house was aswarm with activity- Ford, Evan and Guthrie were buzzing around getting their bags ready, Daniel was strumming on his guitar in the living room, Brian was in the kitchen, putting the kitchen to rights and Adam was speaking on the phone to someone. I curled up on the couch laying my head on one of the cushions, listening to Daniel. When Adam finished up on the phone, he walked past, running his hand over my hair.

"Perhaps it's time you went for a shower now, Heidi. Give your hair time to dry before you go to bed," he said, looking down at me from behind the couch.

"Okay," I said, morosely, not making any effort to move.

Adam's forehead wrinkled in concern.

"You doin' okay?" he said.

I looked up at him. "Can I stay at home tomorrow?"

"What do you mean? You've got school," Adam said.

"I know. But I don't want to go…"

Adam walked around and sat next to me to me on the couch. "Why not? You like school," he said.

It was true. I normally loved school and was very enthusiastic about it.

"Because I want to stay here with you and Brian," I said, a slight whine in my voice.

"But why?"

"I just do!" I said. I couldn't explain how I felt, but I felt uneasy about leaving the ranch and my brothers, even to go to school.

"Is this about what happened yesterday?" Adam asked me. "The guy can't hurt you, Heidi. He'll be arrested and in prison by now."

"I know. But I still don't want to go…" I said.

Adam didn't say anything to me. He just studied me for a moment. Brian hollered for Daniel to come into the kitchen for a minute, and so he stopped his strumming and went through.

"Tell you what, how about I drive you into school tomorrow. I'll talk to Mrs Whitby and tell her that you're feelin' a bit wobbly and to keep an eye on you," he said.

"But-"

"And then, can you keep a secret?" he continued, looking around conspiratorially. I looked around as well to see who was listening, but no one was paying attention to us. I nodded eagerly.

"Someone is comin' home early tomorrow evenin' in time for Brian's birthday."

I felt a skip of excitement in my belly. "Crane!" I said, excitedly.

"Shhhh," Adam said, putting his finger to his lips dramatically. "Only you and me know now. It'll be a surprise for everyone else. You want to come with me tomorrow before supper to pick him up?"

"Yea!" I said, moving onto my knees on the couch with excitement.

"Alright then. But you gotta go to school. Deal?"

"Okay."


	36. Celebrations

That evening, after we had both showered and were in bed, waiting for Brian to come up and read to us, I told Guthrie everything that had happened about the shooting. I felt badly that he had gotten into trouble earlier that day. He sat up in bed while I told him, looking at me with wide eyes and his mouth sort of hanging open.

"Golly, Heidi…," he said, after I was finished.

"Yea," I said. There was nothing else to say really.

"Was it cool to ride in a police car though?" he asked me after a minute.

"Not really. I don't remember too much about the ride."

We were interrupted then by the sound of Brian's voice telling Evan to pick up his rodeo kit from the hallway outside his room, and then he strode purposefully into our room, wanting to know whose turn it was to be sat next to. Guthrie and I shut up immediately about what we had been talking about. Even though Brian wouldn't mind me telling Guthrie if it were my choice, both of us understood it was easier just to keep quiet.

/

The next morning at the breakfast table, I was really subdued. I really didn't want to go to school. I couldn't explain why because I knew that the man who had shot the waitress couldn't hurt me, but I felt like I didn't want to leave the safety of the ranch or the side of my oldest brothers. Even at 8, I wasn't completely naïve to what Adam was doing, bribing me in a way, with the promise of coming with him that evening to get Crane. It surprised me because that's not Adam's style. If he asks us or tells us to do something, we're expected to do it- but I guess he realised that I was genuinely scared and needed a bit of understanding. I didn't feel like eating much, but at Adam's encouragement, I managed to eat a soft- boiled egg and some toast which Brian cut into soldiers for me.

Straight after breakfast, we normally get our stuff together and head out the door to walk to the bus stop, but Adam informed the others that he would be driving Guthrie and me to school, and that he could drop the others off at the bus stop on the way.

"Why do Guthrie and Heidi get door to door service?" Evan asked, a hint of indignation in his voice.

"Because Adam likes us the best," Guthrie said.

Evan rolled his eyes. "No, but really. Why?"

"It's because Heidi's nervous to go to school, doofus!" Daniel said, but his playful shove showed that he only meant to tease. Ford laughed.

"Oh…" said Evan. He looked at me contritely. Evan's not really one for expressing his feelings with words, but his sympathetic look told me that he felt for me.

I, on the other hand, had never felt less like going to school. I wanted to cry and stamp my foot and say I wasn't going to go, but I knew that it wouldn't get me anywhere.

I dallied a bit brushing my teeth and then feigned not being able to find my jacket, until Adam hurried me by calling for me, saying he had my coat and to move it as the rest of my brothers were already in the truck.

He was holding the door open with one hand and holding my jacket and bag in the other as I walked down the stairs slowly. I gave him a pleading look.

"Please let me stay home today," I said, "I promise I won't get in your way. You won't even know I'm here!"

"What about our deal?" Adam said.

"I do want to come pick up Crane later… but I really don't want to go to school. Can I stay home if I don't go with you later?"

"No," said Adam shortly. "Hustle up now, otherwise we're goin' to be late."

I sighed and walked the rest of the way down the stairs. I took my jacket and bag from Adam, and then headed out the door under his arm. He called something to Brian and then followed me.

Guthrie and I sat in the cab of the truck and the rest of my brothers sat in the bed so that they could quickly hop out when we reached the bus stop.

I was silent and anxious, but Guthrie kept up a steady stream of chatter with Adam and every so often, we could hear the laughter from the others coming from the truck bed as they messed around.

When we got to the bus stop, the boys tumbled out quickly. Adam rolled down the window and told them to have a good day. Guthrie, sitting next to him, in the middle of us, leaned over Adam to echo his call to the others. I just looked silently out the window, my mind on other things. I was wondering if it would be weird with Olivia after what had happened. Would we talk about it or not I wondered.

When Adam pulled up, just outside the school gates, he put the car in park. Guthrie got out straight away, but I just sat inside the cab, loathe to move.

Adam came around to my side and opened the passenger door.

"Come on, out you get."

I sighed, but obeyed him. The three of us walked into the school playground together. Adam turned to us. "I'm goin´ inside to talk with Mrs Whitby. I won't be long," he said.

Guthrie turned to run off towards some kids in our class who were kicking a ball around the playground, but I watched Adam's tall frame stroll off towards the direction of the school's front door. When Guthrie saw I wasn't following him, he turned back and called, "You coming?"

"I'm going to try find Olivia," I called back.

I looked for Olivia in all our usual spots: under the big oak tree at the back of the playground, the picnic tables and round the back of the gym building, but she was nowhere to be found. That was unusual because she was normally in school before us. I wandered back round towards the playground at the front of the school building and saw Adam talking to Guthrie just off to the side of the front stairs which led up to the main door.

"There you are! I was goin' to come find you," Adam said, as I approached the two of them.

"I was looking for Olivia, but I couldn't find her," I said.

"Yea… about that," Adam said. He crouched down on the balls of his feet so he was eye level with me. "Mrs Whitby said that Olivia's mom called the office this mornin' and Olivia won't be in today."

"Then can I come home with you?!" I asked desperately.

"No, Heidi. I want you to stay in school today."

"But that's not fair. Olivia gets to stay home," I said, starting to get emotional. Tears welled up and a few spilled over and trickled down my face.

"Hey, none of that now," Adam said gently. "Where's my brave girl, hmm?"

I shrugged and looked down, wiping my eyes. Adam nudged my chin up gently so I could look at him.

"Don't worry Adam, I'll look after her," Guthrie said.

Adam ruffled Guthrie's hair. "I appreciate that, buddy."

Adam stood back up to his full height then and looked down at us.

"Give us a minute here, Guth," Adam said.

Guthrie ran off then and Adam looked down at me, surveying me thoughtfully.

"I know you think it's unfair, but I think it's best for you to be in school today. The more someone puts somethin' off they don't want to do, the bigger deal it becomes. I've told Mrs Whitby how you're feelin' and she'll keep an eye out for you. And then later, we'll go pick up Crane, okay?"

"Okay," I said, in a small voice, resigned to the fact I was staying in school.

Adam put his arm around me and pulled me to him quickly, kissing the top of my head and then letting me go equally as quickly.

"Have a good day."

I thought to myself that the likelihood of that was slim.

/

If I'm honest, my day turned out not to be so bad. Mrs Whitby didn't say anything to me in front of the class about what had happened, but she was extra nice to me. At morning recess and lunch, I didn't feel like going outside with the others to play soccer or another game, so she let me stay in the classroom and read a book from the bookshelf on the bean bags in the reading corner. She didn't try to chat to me either, in that awkward way that adults do sometimes; she just let me be. I did miss Olivia though: I wished she was in school that day.

My day was also helped by the fact that during math and science class, Mrs Whitby gave me fourth grade material- a textbook and a workbook. I had thought that I would hate to teach myself, but I found that I really enjoyed it. I was able to follow all the instructions and examples and then apply them to my own work. It took concentration, but that distracted me from missing Olivia or thinking about what had happened at the weekend. When Mrs Whitby came to check on my work, she looked at it and told me, in a somewhat surprised tone, that I had all the answers correct and then she gave me some new sheets for homework. I hadn't forgotten that I wasn't too happy with her because of her suggestion about Saturday school, but with the shooting, I hadn't much thought about it. I decided to put off thinking about how I could get out of it until after Thanksgiving because I wasn't supposed to start until the following Saturday anyway.

So, I was in a better mood when we got home from school that day. Now that the day was out the way, I was buzzing with the thought I would be seeing Crane in just a few hours. I wanted to tell Guthrie on the way home, but Adam had told me that it was a secret, and I'm really good at keeping secrets. I'm like a vault.

I didn't see Adam until supper time because he was out and about on the ranch when we came home from school. He asked me how school was, and I told him that it had been okay. He smiled at me.

"That's good," he said, "I'm proud of you."

"You are?"

"Sure, kiddo. You were scared of somethin' but you faced it anyway. That takes courage."

That made me feel good inside. I smiled at him and then looked around. Everyone else was whirring around the kitchen, either washing up or setting the table or putting food on it, so there was a fair amount of background noise.

"Can I still come with you to get Crane?" I said, keeping my voice quiet despite the general din.

"I'm countin' on it," Adam said.

"When are we going?"

"After supper."

"But what will we say about where we're going?"

Adam winked at me. "Leave it to me."

/

After supper, Ford and Daniel did the dishes and then we did our homework. I did the sheets that Mrs Whitby had set for me. I found them ok- harder than usual- I had to concentrate, but doable. Normally after supper, Guthrie and I had some free time before being sent for a shower and bed, unless we were being sent to bed early as a punishment. It was as I was putting my homework in my bag in the living room that Adam caught me. I was the only one there as Guthrie and the others were still finishing up homework, especially Daniel who was groaning over his chemistry text book.

Adam gave me a conspiratorial look and then said, "Make out like you're goin' on outside to finish your chores and then meet me in the truck."

"Okay!" I said, excited. I loved this feeling of scheming with Adam- it never happened. I grabbed my coat from the rack at the front door, but then a thought occurred to me. I turned back to Adam.

"Wait- won't Brian worry if I just disappear and he can't find me?"

"I've already told him that I'm takin' you for a drive to pick somethin' up from Olivia's."

I looked at Adam with newfound appreciation.

"You're good. But isn't that like lying? And you always tell us not to lie."

"This time it's ok."

"Why this time and not other times?" I persisted.

Adam was starting to look exasperated with me. "It just is! Now hop to it, otherwise we're gonna be late!" he said.

I did what he said, walking down towards the chicken pen in case anyone looked out the window and spotted me, even though the chances were slim as they were all inside still and last time I was aware, Brian had been sorting through laundry upstairs.

When I got close to the chicken pen, I looked around to make sure no one was about, and then ran towards the truck. Adam was already there, waiting for me. I climbed into the cab quickly and Adam started driving the moment I was in, telling me to put my seatbelt on.

"Made it!" I said, dramatically.

"We make quite a team," Adam said.

On the way to the bus station in Angel's Camp, Adam and I talked about various things like school and Brian's birthday. We didn't talk about the shooting at all. I asked Adam what he had gotten Brian for his birthday.

"We don't really spend money on each other, the way we do with you kids," Adam said.

"Oh…" I said. I'd never noticed this before. "Why not?"

Adam shrugged. "Coz that's money that can be used for the household, or on you kids. Anyway, Bri and I don't need anythin'".

He changed the subject then and we talked about other things.

When we arrived at the bus station, Adam parked across the road and we sat inside the truck to wait for Crane's bus to arrive. Adam played a couple of rounds of 20 questions with me. He had me laughing when he picked really obscure people, well animals really, from our ranch- Polly, my favourite chicken, and Bruce, Daniel's horse.

We were in the middle of another round when we saw Crane's bus come into view and then come to a halt outside the bus station. I bounced up and down with excitement, and Adam smiled at me.

We both got out the car, but Adam said we would stay where we were, just standing outside the car. First off was an older woman with a head scarf and a small dog, and then a family with two kids got off. Then a few other people. And then, I saw the familiar figure of Crane with his long legs and tall frame walk down the stairs of the coach, carrying a largish backpack. It was the same Crane as always, except he had a light sprinkling of hair covering his lower face. It made him look older somehow.

"Crane!" I called, excitedly, taking off to run toward him, but Adam caught me by the back of my overalls.

"Wait a minute, Heidi, let him come this way otherwise you guys'll block the bus exit for everyone else.

My call to Crane had caught his attention, and he looked our way. When he saw me, he looked really surprised and then he flashed a huge smile. He started walking quickly our way and crossed the road in record time. When he got to us, he dumped his bag on the ground, and I threw myself at him, hugging him around the waist, squeezing his middle. Crane picked me up and hugged me tightly and then he hugged Adam with one arm and me with the other. Adam hugged him back and I was squashed in between them for a moment before they let go, but it was nice.

Crane carried me round to the front of the truck and sat me on the hood.

"What are you doing here, little one? I thought I was supposed to be the surprise!" he said, laughing and looking at Adam. Adam shrugged in a good-natured way.

"Adam let me come. It was our secret. Are you surprised?" I said, delighted.

"I sure am!"

I reached up to touch Crane's face.

"Your face feels furry," I said, rubbing my hands across his jaw.

"It's my new look. Like it?"

I nodded. "Uh huh!"

"What do you think?" Crane said, directing his question to Adam.

"Lookin' good, little brother," Adam said, ruffling his hair in the way he might to Ford or Guthrie. He didn't much do that anymore with Crane, being 18 and all, but I think he was just so happy to see him.

Adam tapped his hand on the hood of the truck a couple of times in quick succession.

"Right, let's get home. I know a houseful of boys who are goin' to be mighty glad to see you."

/

I sat in the middle of Crane and Adam on the ride back to the ranch and chattered incessantly the entire way home. I told him all about the past weeks since he had been away. I also told him about the shooting, just talking about it in a general sort of way. At one point, Adam chided me gently, telling me to take a breath.

"Slow down, Heidi, Crane'll be here the whole week," he said.

Crane looked shocked, concerned and angry all at once when I told him about the shooting. He put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him, saying, "That's really terrible, Heidi, I'm sorry you had to see that," and then he looked at Adam and demanded, "You didn't think this kinda thing was worth telling me?"

Adam glanced in our direction and then looked back at the road.

"There's nothin' you could have done, so there didn't seem a point in worryin' you," he said mildly.

Crane didn't respond to that, but he still didn't look happy. I chattered on, however, and filled the ride home with noise.

When we got home, it was already dark outside. We could see the lights on in the whole downstairs, plus the light on in Adam and Brian's bedroom.

We got out the car and Crane grabbed his bag from the truck bed, and we headed inside. I was excited to see my brothers' reactions to Crane being home.

Adam opened the screen door first and then the front door and I followed him, with Crane behind us. Ford, Daniel and Evan were in the living room. Daniel was strumming on his guitar and the other were sprawled on the couches listening to him. They looked up as we walked in. It took a moment for them to register who was there, and all three of them looked at us for a second, stupefied, as though they couldn't quite believe their eyes. But then, it was like the spell was broken, with all of them coming to their senses at once, and they all jumped up and climbed all over Crane, knocking him down like we had all done the last time he had surprised us by coming home early.

There were cries of exclamation at the surprise and Daniel even burst into tears, which made Crane grab Daniel and hug him tightly. All the noise drew Brian down from his bedroom. He looked a bit irritated as he opened the door, but then when he saw Crane his face transformed into one of delight and he made it down the stairs in record time.

"I thought you were comin' home on Wednesday!" Brian said, slinging an arm around Crane's shoulders once he had had hugged him.

"I couldn't miss your birthday, big brother," Crane said. Brian grinned at him and gave him another one arm hug.

Crane looked around. "Where's Guthrie?" he asked.

"In the shower," Brian said. "I think he should be almost done though- you know what he's like."

Guthrie was notorious for taking a long time in the bathroom. He liked to stand under the hot water for ages and was always being scolded for wasting water by Adam and Brian who grumbled about the water bill.

Crane ran up the stairs towards the bathroom and knocked on the door and then went in.

The next thing we heard was the door being opened and a squeak and a cry as Guthrie threw himself at Crane which made us all laugh because his hair and body was still wet, so he sort of drenched Crane by hugging him.

Unsurprisingly after that, and for the rest of the evening, us younger kids all wanted to be near Crane, talk to Crane, show Crane things, make plans with Crane. He was pulled in every which direction. He didn't seem to mind though. Adam let Guthrie and me stay up to the time when Ford and Evan went to bed, which was a full hour later than usual. I thought that was really nice of him.

At one point, Guthrie confronted me about not telling him about Crane coming home early.

"Adam said it was a secret though, Guth," I said.

"But we always tell each other everything!"

"Yea… but not if it's a secret…"

"Humph," Guthrie said, folding his arms and still looking put out. I paid no mind though, no one was going to dampen my excitement now that Crane was home.

/

My spirits were dampened though, by the fact that I had a horrible nightmare about the shooting. I dreamt that the man had pointed the gun at me, and I was trying to run, but although my legs were moving, I wasn't getting anywhere. I didn't wake up screaming or anything, but my heart was pounding, and my pyjamas were drenched with sweat.

I quietly got up and changed my pyjamas. I wanted to go into Adam and Brian's room, but if I woke, Adam, it might wake Brian, and it was his birthday in the morning. It didn't seem a very nice way to enter your birthday. Then, I thought about going to wake Crane, but he was only just home. I was very conscious I had been taking up a lot of my brothers' time and attention lately. They hadn't done anything to make me feel like that, but I did anyway. If I woke Daniel, Crane may wake up. I didn't even consider waking Ford or Evan. They wouldn't be nasty about it, but they wouldn't know what to say.

In the end, I decided to like back down in my own bed. I grabbed my flashlight and read under the covers for a while until I felt tired again which seemed like an age. I must have dropped off though because when I awoke, the flashlight was still on. I looked at the clock, which said 5am. Normally, we got up an hour later, but I didn't feel like I could sleep again.

So, once again, I was tired in the morning. I thought to myself that this was becoming a habit. It was Brian's birthday though, so I wanted to be in a good mood to celebrate for him.

I got out of bed and quickly got dressed in my chore clothes. I headed downstairs and into the kitchen, in stockinged feet. No one was there, but there was a breeze in the kitchen, and when I went to check it out, the back door was open, meaning that someone was already up. Adam probably.

I headed outside and did my chores quickly, collecting the eggs in a basket that I had brought from the kitchen. I fed the chickens and filled the water trough. I gathered up Polly and Splotch whom I had got out her hutch and took them both to the barn, where it was warmer as the sun wasn't even up properly yet. Stroking the animals and chatting to them was as soothing as always. Soon, I felt the heady feeling of tiredness. I lay down on a hay bale and closed my eyes.

/

Gentle shaking woke me up. I opened my eyes to see Crane hovering over me, looking somewhat amused.

"What in the world are you doing asleep out here?" he asked me.

I sat up. "I fell asleep," I said.

"I can see that. The question is why you´re out here so early."

"Coz I woke up early and couldn´t sleep again, so I decided to do my chores."

I stood up and dusted myself off.

"I'd better get inside," I said quickly, not looking at Crane or meeting his eyes. I didn't want to explain about my nightmare because then he'd be worried, and he'd tell Adam and Brian and it would ruin Brian's birthday.

"Leave the chicken and the rabbit. I'll put them back for you. Go inside and get breakfast," Crane said then.

"Thanks."

I made to leave, but then Crane caught my arm and gave me a suspicious look.

"You ok, Heidi?"

"Yep!" I said, forcing a smile.

He let me go then and I hurried back up to the house. When I entered the kitchen via the back door, the rest of the family, including Brian, were already at the table. I made a beeline for him and put my arms around his neck from the side, kissing his cheek.

"Happy birthday, Bri!" I said.

Brian hugged me back around the waist.

"Thank you, honey."

He surveyed me then properly.

"Why is there hay in your hair?" he asked, pulling out a few strands.

"Exactly my question," said Adam.

"I dunno…" I lied, and then to get everyone off the topic, I asked Brian what his birthday plans were for the day while taking my own seat.

"Oh, I've got a full day planned. Mendin' fence, movin' cattle to new pastures, doin' cattle confirmation," Brian said, with a smile.

"That doesn't sound like much fun!" Guthrie said.

"There's no rest for the wicked," Crane said playfully, coming into the house from outside.

He took his place and we started eating. Because it was Brian's birthday, we had a special breakfast: chocolate chip pancakes with maple syrup and ice cream! Brian has a really sweet tooth.

"You're gonna love our gift to you later!" I said to Brian.

We generally did gifts and cake in the evening, after supper unless birthdays fell on a weekend, because there wasn't much time in the morning.

Brian started playfully asking us what we had got him then, becoming more and more outlandish in his suggestions and making us all laugh.

"What did you get Brian?" Ford asked Crane.

"I was gonna wait until later to tell you, but I may as well tell you now. Since I'm home a couple days early, it means you and Adam can go out tonight. Go wild and celebrate."

"Alright! Great gift, little brother, thanks!" Brian said, rubbing his hands together like he was relishing the idea.

"That's a gift for Adam as well," Guthrie pointed out.

Daniel laughed "No, coz Adam'll be the one dragging Brian home when he's dr-"

"Alright, breakfast's over," Adam said quickly, interrupting Daniel quickly and shooting him a look. Daniel smirked in response and then Adam told us all to go upstairs and get ready for school.

/

Mrs Whitby gave me more fourth grade work again that day. I was tired so I had to concentrate harder to do it, but I managed. Olivia still wasn't in school that day. I resolved to ask Adam to call her mother when I got home from school to check that she was okay. I thought how reliant I had become on her, even though we had only been friends for a few short months. I missed her at school terribly. Even though Guthrie was there, it seemed like the day was less bright when she wasn't there.

When we got home from school that day, Crane was in the kitchen. He said he was making Brian a special supper and he was about to make Brian´s birthday cake. Guthrie, Ford and I said we wanted to help him, but he told us to do our chores first.

I had just finished, when I saw Adam riding up on his horse, Dixie, and ride it into the corral. He dismounted and then started untacking it. I went to say hi to him and he asked me how school was.

"It was okay. Olivia still wasn't there though…" I said.

"That's too bad."

"Can you call her mom? Make sure she's ok?"

Adam stopped untacking Dixie and looked at me. I could see by the expression on his face that he was reluctant to do what I had asked.

"I'm sure she's okay, Heidi," he said.

"Then why isn't she at school, like me?"

"That's between Olivia and her parents."

"Please Adam. I just want to know she's okay," I pleaded.

Adam sighed. "Alright then. I'll call after supper before Bri and I go out. Okay?"

I was happy with that and headed back up to the house. Guthrie and Ford were already back and they, along with Crane, were in the throes of birthday cake making. We ended up making it two tiered with chocolate icing in the middle binding the top and bottom layers and chocolate icing on the top. Then we decorated it with all sorts of candy.

Supper was steak, fries and salad- Brian's favorite. We had cake for dessert, not before lighting 22 candles and singing happy birthday to Brian. Afterwards, it was time for us to give Brian our gift. I ran upstairs to get it, retrieving it from my drawer and then brought it back down.

"This," I said dramatically, presenting the book of vouchers to Brian with the card I had made and had all of us sign, "is from me, Guthrie, Evan, Ford and Daniel."

Brian looked confused for a second, before opening it up by untying the ribbon. I had made each voucher separately and then hole punched them, binding them together with ribbon that Olivia had brought from her house from me.

Brian opened the book of vouchers, opening it and slowly turning each page. He was very quiet.

"Do you like it?" Ford asked, nervously.

Brian looked up from the book.

"I love it," he said, simply. He seemed really touched. Subdued even.

"It was actually Ford's idea," Daniel said, slapping Ford on the back.

"It's real thoughtful," Brian said to Ford, who colored in pleasure.

"The artwork on this is really detailed. How long did this take you?" Brian asked me.

"Not too long," I said, wanting to be modest.

"Get out of here," Daniel said to me.

"It took her hours," he said to Brian.

"I just wanted you to have something nice for your birthday," I said, softly.

Brian smiled at me. "Thank you, kiddo," he said.

It made me feel really happy inside that Brian had liked his gift so much.

"What time do you want to head on out?" Crane asked Brian and Adam.

"In a bit. I've still got some chores to finish up, plus I'm on dish duty," Brian said. Then he got a mischievous glint entered his eye.

"Oh, but wait!" he said, theatrically. "I have this book of vouchers here which magically says that my little brothers and sister have to do my work for me!"

All of us laughed and groaned good naturedly.

Brian opened the book and got to one of the vouchers which said that Guthrie and I would do his dish duty.

"I'd like to cash this one in please."

Then he turned to another one. "And also this one which says Daniel will do an evenin' of my chores.

"Remind me why we did this again?" Daniel said to Evan, laughing.

"I'll come help," Evan said then, in a rare showing of offering to do more chores.

"Me too," Ford said.

Brian leaned back in his chair in satisfaction.

"I should have a birthday more often."

 **Thank you to the sweet people who left messages checking up on me and the people who sent me PMs checking on me too. There's nothing wrong apart from a hefty workload at my job. I so appreciate reader support- reviews and readers alike- thank you! Hopefully this extra-long chapter will make up for the wait. Things are relatively calm right now in the McFadden household, but trouble is never afar, and it's going to get rocky again really soon!**


	37. Caught in the middle

After supper, Adam and Brian went upstairs to get ready to go out. As per Brian's request, Guthrie and I did the dishes, and Ford, Daniel and Evan did his outside chores. Crane said he would do Adam's chores so he could get ready to go out.

After the dishes, Guthrie and I went through to the living room and sprawled on one of the couches each. Guthrie turned on the television, but there was nothing on. The two of us talked about whether we could persuade the others to play a board game with us.

The others were still outside when Adam and Brian came downstairs. Both were wearing a smart pair of jeans and a nice shirt- Adam's was white, Brian's green.

"You smell pretty!" Guthrie said to both of them from his place on the couch.

"Thanks buddy," Brian said, ruffling Guthrie's hair as he sat down next to him.

"Where's the others? Still outside?" Brian asked him.

"Uh huh."

"Well, we'll wait until they come in before we go," Adam said.

I took that opportunity to remind Adam that he had said he would call Olivia's mother.

"Oh. Yea," Adam said, without much enthusiasm.

"You said you would, Adam!" I said hotly, sitting up now on the couch.

Adam's eyes narrowed. He looked down at me, standing behind the couch I was sitting on. "Watch your tone, young lady, or not only will I not be callin' but you'll also be spendin' the evenin' in your room."

I definitely did not want that.

"I'm sorry. Really, I am," I said in a more appropriate tone, "Please could you call Olivia's mom and ask if she's ok?"

Adam shook his head, as though he were exasperated by me, but he motioned that I should follow him. "Come on then."

I followed him to cove where we kept the phone and hovered next to him while he made the call. I couldn't quite follow what was being said. Adam told Olivia's mom why he was calling and asked how both her and Olivia were doing after the shooting. Olivia's mom must have asked after me too, because Adam said, glancing at me, "She's doin' okay. Up and down. We tried to get her back into her routine as quickly as possible. Heidi's a tough kid." He winked at me when he said that bit. That made me smile, and it reassured me that he wasn't mad at me for smarting off to him moments before.

Mostly though, Adam listened throughout the conversation and gave responses like, "Hmm," and "I see." I really wished that I could properly hear both sides. The minute that Adam got off the phone, I badgered him to tell me everything that had been said but all he said was, "Olivia and Violet are doing alright, Heidi. They've been pretty shaken up since Saturday, but Violet said she's goin' to try and bring Olivia back to school tomorrow. They just took a couple of days out to process things. I think Olivia's goin' to need your support tomorrow at school by the sounds of it."

It made me feel really happy inside that I would get to see Olivia the next day. It was to be our last day of school before the Thanksgiving break, so if I didn't get to see her the next day, I wouldn't see her until the following week which felt like too long.

I spontaneously threw my arms around Adam's waist and looked up at him.

"I will. I'll help her out. Thank you for calling."

Adam hugged me back briefly and patted by back. By then, the rest of my brothers were coming in from outside, including Crane. Evan and Ford were arguing with each other good naturedly- something about a bet at school. Evan and Daniel wolf whistled at Adam and Brian's appearance and commented about their ability to get ladies. It made Brian laugh but Adam looked a bit disapproving.

As they were pulling on their jackets to go out, Adam turned back to the rest of us, who were now lounging in various positions on the couches and chairs.

"Remember, Crane's the boss. You're to mind him," he said to all of us. It was unnecessary as we didn't have to be reminded. That's the way our family worked: we generally took orders from the oldest available brother from Adam, Brian and Crane.

"You're actin' I've never been left with them before," Crane said, looking amused. "I've only been at college for one semester you know- I doubt the kids have forgotten the status quo."

Adam conceded a smile. "Just makin' sure," he said.

He was half way out the door when he turned back and said to us, "And it's regular bedtime. You've got school tomorrow."

To Crane he said, "Don't let them wheedle you into stayin' up later because it's your first night home."

His words were met with a bunch of groans from all of us and pleas for them to leave.

"Will you just go already!" Daniel said, and then Brian half hustled, half dragged Adam out the door in a comical fashion, telling him he was going to blow away his grey hairs that evening.

The moment they had gone, I turned to Crane and asked if I could go and bring Splotch inside until bedtime because I hadn't had an opportunity to spend much time with her that day.

Crane rolled his eyes, but he smiled at me at the same time.

"I see how it is. You think I'm a soft touch, don't you?"

"I hate to break it to ya, but you sorta are- that's why we miss you so much!" Daniel said from his place on the couch.

Crane threw a pillow in his direction which Daniel batted away, laughing.

"So, can I?" I said, hopefully.

Crane shook his head as though he were exasperated, but he said, "Okay, just for a couple of hours. She's going straight back out again when you go bed. Hear me?!"

I cheered and assured Crane I had no plans to take her back upstairs with me. I was done with that after getting into trouble with Adam and Brian the last time Guthrie and I had tried to sneak Splotch into our bedroom. I quickly went outside to collect her, apologising to Polly that I couldn't also bring her inside with me. I thought Crane would draw the line at a chicken in the house.

When I got back to the house, I was greeted with the sight of all 5 of my brothers crowded around the fish tank, which sat on a table in the corner of the living room. They were peering into it and arguing about something.

"What's going on?" I asked, walking towards the tank to see what the big fuss was about.

"One of the fish is dead. It's just floating there on the top," Daniel said.

"Oh… which one?"

"It's Flipper," Ford said. Flipper was Guthrie's fish- both Guthrie and Ford had won goldfish at the carnival a few weeks back, when we had also gotten Splotch.

"No, it's not! It's Jaws!" Guthrie said.

"It's definitely Flipper," Ford said, confidently.

"How can you even tell? They look the same," Evan asked Ford.

"I dunno. I just do. It's the way they… swim."

Crane raised an eyebrow. "They swim differently? How can goldfish swim differently?"

"You're crazy, little brother," Daniel said, laughing, but Ford looked at all of us stubbornly.

"I'm not crazy. I know the way my fish swims, and that fish, still swimming around in there is Jaws. He swims kinda like he's dancing. Look!"

My brothers, joined by me this time, with Splotch still in my arms, peered back into the tank.

"He doesn't look like he's dancing to me," I said, doubtfully.

Ford's chin set in stubbornness. He's quiet, but he can be just as determined as the rest of us when he gets a mind to it. "He is."

Crane crossed his arms. "Alright, well whoever's fish that is-"

"Jaws!"

"Flipper!"

Crane cleared his throat, "-whoever's fish that is, we should get it out of there."

"What we going to do with it?" I asked.

"Flush it down the toilet," Evan said.

Guthrie looked horrified. "You can't do that!" he said.

Evan laughed. "Why not? We do that every time a fish dies."

"It deserves a proper burial!"

All of us laughed.

"I mean it!" Guthrie said. His face was reddening, a sure sign that he was getting upset. Guthrie's pretty good natured and doesn't get het up a whole lot, so the sight of him like that was enough to sober everyone.

"Guth, it's just a fish. And it's dead anyway. It won't feel anything," Daniel said, pulling Guthrie close to him and patting his back.

"I don't care. We bury cows when they die, don't we?" Guthrie said.

"It's not the same thing."

"It is to me!"

I took Guthrie's side as always, and the argument about whether to bury or flush the fish continued back and forth between us, growing ever louder until Crane spoke all over of us.

"Enough!"

Crane hardly ever raises his voice. Him doing so silenced us and we all looked to him.

"We're burying the fish, and that's final," he said.

Evan, Daniel and Ford started muttering about how stupid it was to bury a fish.

Crane scooped the fish out the tank with his hand. It laying there, lifeless in Crane's palm made it look even more pitiful. I was glad we were burying it.

"Can I take it?" Guthrie asked.

Crane transferred the fish to Guthrie hands which were held together. He cradled the fish in his hands, looking down sadly at it.

"Go on outside, Guth, and find a spot for it. Heidi, go with him. The rest of us will be out in a minute."

I followed Guthrie outside, carting Splotch with me. Together, we found a spot under the tree in the front yard. I put Splotch down on the ground and then used my hands to scoop out a small mound of earth. Guthrie lay the fish in the hole and we were covering it back up again, when we saw the others come out the front door towards us.

"Found a spot?" Crane asked.

"Uh huh," Guthrie said.

I don't know what Crane had said to the rest of my brothers, but they were no longer complaining about burying the fish, or teasing Guthrie. When Guthrie said he wanted to say a prayer for the fish, Evan sniggered, but at Crane's sharp look, he disguised it as a cough.

"Why don't you lead us in a prayer, Guth," Crane said.

Guthrie bowed us head and delivered a prayer asking God to bless and look after the fish. The rest of us bowed our heads.

Afterwards, when we were all walking back into the house together, Daniel turned to Crane with a grin.

"Aren't you glad you came home early?"

/

We saw Adam and Brian the next morning at breakfast. Adam looked okay- tired but otherwise fine. Brian, on the other hand, looked worse for wear. His eyes were sort of bloodshot. He knocked back a couple of pills with his morning coffee. Daniel and Evan exchanged smirks when Brian said he that when we had all gone off to school, he might go back to bed for a couple of hours, especially when Adam told him there was too much work to do before Thanksgiving before he could do that.

"Are we still going to go and shoot the turkey?" Ford asked, looking worried.

"Sure. By the time you get home from school, I'll be fixed up sharp," Brian said.

Ford looked relieved. I could tell that he had been looking forward to his time alone with Brian and having the opportunity to provide the turkey for the family. It's a right of passage for my brothers when they turned 12 to have Adam or Brian take them out shooting. Neither Guthrie or I ever passed that threshold though when we got to that age. Guthrie didn't have the heart, and being a vegetarian, I had absolutely no inclination to shoot something dead. I think it bothered Brian a bit at the time, but he got over it.

After breakfast, the five of us headed out the door together, like we did every morning. I was second to last out the door, only marginally in front of Daniel. Either Adam or Brian normally saw us out the door in the morning giving us last minute reminders about homework and lunches, but this morning, it was Crane who stood at the door managing the last-minute chaos. Just as we were leaving, as I was halfway out the door, I heard Daniel say to Crane, "This afternoon then, Crane yea? When we get home from school?"

"We'll definitely talk some, Daniel, but I can't promise you what the outcome's gonna be."

"But you'll stick up for me?"

"I'll give my opinion, yea…"

And then Evan turned back and yelled something to Guthrie, so I missed the rest of the exchange between Daniel and Crane. I wanted to ask Daniel what he was talking about with Crane- the tone of their voices had sounded intense- but he had longer legs than me and he quickly strode ahead to catch up with Evan. When I glanced back at the house, Crane had gone back inside and there was no one there.

/

When we arrived at school, I told Guthrie wasn't going to join in the soccer game in the back play ground of the school because I wanted to look out for Olivia. I was excited to see her now that her mom had told Adam that she would be at school that day. It was almost time for the first morning bell signalling the start of first period, when I saw Violet's familiar black car drive up and park in the car park. I ran closer and waited eagerly, expecting to see the back door fling open and Olivia to hop out the car like she normally did. I shifted from one foot to the other nervously- I knew the bell was likely to ring soon and I didn't want to be late. If you're tardy you get a slip that goes home with you and needs to be signed by your parent; I didn't fancy presenting Adam with one of them. A few more minutes passed, and still, no Olivia. Then, I saw Violet get out from the driver's side, and open the back door. She was clearly talking to someone, and from her facial expression, I could tell she was distressed. I edged over slowly, curious to see what was going on. As I got ever closer, I could hear Violet say things like, "Come on, honey, I promise you'll feel better once you're there," and "If you get out the car, I'll buy you that new Barbie you want." She didn't even notice me when I went to stand closer to the car door. I still couldn't see inside though because of the position in which I was standing.

"Hi Violet."

Violet looked a bit startled but when she registered it was me, she gave me a big smile and said, "Oh hello sweetheart, how are you?"

"I'm fine thank you. How are you?"

"I'm doing alright too." She gave me a rueful smile and pointed to the back seat of the car. "This one on the other hand doesn't want to go into school today. Maybe you can help me convince her."

I moved so I could look inside. Olivia was sitting in the back seat along with her big sister Ella who was holding her hand. Tears were streaming down her face and she held some crumpled tissues in her hands.

"Hey Liv," I said softly.

Olivia smiled at me through her tears but didn't say anything.

"Olivia's scared to come into school after everything that happened last week," Violet said by way of explanation.

"I get it. I was scared too…"

"But once you were there it wasn't so bad, right, Heidi?" Violet said, addressing me, but looking at Olivia when she said them.

"Right."

At that moment, the bell signalling first period rang. I knew that technically, I should head inside, especially if I wanted to avoid the tardy slip, but I just couldn't leave Olivia out in the car so upset. So I stayed.

"Honestly, Livvy, it's fine once you get inside. The first day is the hardest, but after that, it gets easier. And the time goes past quickly."

"I don't want to," Olivia cried. I felt for her then. It was evident that she was really scared.

"I'll be there, and Heidi will too. We'll look out for you, won't we Heidi," Ella said.

I nodded.

But no matter what any of us said, we just couldn't get Olivia out the car. She point blank refused to move and when Violet made to force her by taking her arm, she started screaming and Violet quickly backed off. It was sort of shocking to me. I could tell she really was afraid, but out and out screaming when Violet took her arm was something I had never seen before. It made me think about what Adam or Brian would do if I did that, especially if we were out in public. I guessed I wouldn't like the outcome.

Eventually, after about 15 minutes of cajoling and Olivia getting ever more upset to the point she was hyperventilating, Violet told me that she was going to take Olivia home and that I should go into school. Ella asked if she could go home too, as it was the last day before Thanksgiving and Violet said she could. She looked sort of exhausted. As if the fight had gone out of her. I told Olivia goodbye and that I hoped I would see her next week. Violet gave me a hug as I was leaving.

"Thank you for trying to help sweetie," she said. "I'm glad you're doing okay. Before we go, I want to give you these."

She opened the passenger door in the front of the car and took a small brown bag from the front seat.

"It's the hair clips I bought for you guys. You forgot to take them when… well, you know…"

When I looked into the bag, the pretty clips were staring back at me. Looking at them was what kept me going the rest of the day.

/

I planned, after consulting with Guthrie, to tell Adam about the tardy slip the minute I got home from school. That way, it wouldn't be hanging over my head the entire Thanksgiving break.

"Adam won't be mad. It wasn't your fault," Guthrie said. The two of us were walking home from the bus on our own as Evan had youth rodeo and Ford and Daniel hadn't been waiting in the usual place. If they weren't there, the two of us just left without them.

But my plans were scuppered, because as we walked up to the house, we could hear shouting. Really loud shouting. It sounded like Daniel, punctuated by the more measured tones of Adam and Crane. We could clearly here things being said like "My choice," and "whole family decision."

Guthrie and I looked at each other as if silently asking one another what to do. Neither of us were stupid or ignorant to what this argument was about. We knew that this was over meeting Gary Sykes. The subject had been bubbling under the surface for weeks now.

Guthrie started to walk down the stairs. "I'm going to do my chores," he said, but I didn't follow him.

"You coming?"

"No, I'm gonna stay and listen."

Even though I had been punished for eavesdropping a couple of months earlier, I figured that this situation was different because my brothers were yelling which meant that I couldn't help but hear.

I didn't have to work hard to hear what was being said. Through tears, Daniel accused Adam of breaking his promise to him.

"You promised Adam! You promised that we'd talk about it when Crane came home and now, you're breaking that promise!"

"I know I did, but I shouldn't have. I have to do what's best for the family as a whole. Brian would just about kill Sykes and comin' face to face with him would just about kill Evan. Ford's already told me he doesn't want to meet him, and the twins are too little to make that decision. It's too much pressure on them." Adam's voice was loud, but he wasn't shouting really, not like Daniel was. He was only speaking loudly to be heard over Daniel's tears.

"But what about me? Don't I matter?" Daniel said.

"You know you do, Danil but-"

"What about if I took Daniel to see him on his own?" Crane said, interjecting.

"Brian and I don't think it's a good idea."

"Why not?" Daniel roared then, shouting louder than ever.

"You're young, Daniel, you don't know what kind of effect this is going to have on you-"

"Stop telling me I'm too young to know my own mind!"

Back and forth they went- with Crane in the middle trying to mediate between them. I listened in horror. Adam was letting Daniel get away with a lot- it was unheard of for him to allow such a sustained verbal assault. But even though I was young, I understood that this was because of the subject matter. The emotion that it brought up. I didn't remember, but I knew from hearing my brothers talk that both Daniel and Evan had gone through a period of extreme anger after our parents had died. Both had become quite violent, sometimes even at school. For Evan, it had been rodeo that had restored some calm to him, and for Daniel, it had been music. He'd started writing his own song lyrics despite his age.

I heard a crashing sound and then, "I hate you!" followed by the thud of heavy bootsteps and the sound of a door being smashed shut.

Then there was silence. I waited to hear something, but when I didn't, I crept softly over to the window and peered in. I saw Crane climb the stairs. I couldn't see to the top of the stairs, but I figured he was going to see Daniel. Adam was sitting on the couch holding his head in his hands.

/

I avoided the house until supper time. Guthrie and I went down to the creek, even though I think both of us would have preferred to be warm in the house. When we headed inside after hearing Brian's hollering, both of us felt a sense of trepidation. I had told Guthrie what I had heard, and he was just as aghast as me.

When we went into the house though, there was no sign of the earlier fray between Adam and Daniel apart from the fact that Daniel wasn't at the supper table. When Ford asked where he was, Crane said that Daniel had a bad headache and that he didn't feel well enough to eat.

Ford was in a buoyant mood because he had shot a turkey.

"You should have seen it, Adam, it was huge!" he said.

"And his shot was perfect too," Brian said.

Adam smiled at Ford. "Good job, buddy."

They started talking then about cleaning and skinning the turkey and when they would do it. Evan expressed interest in learning how to do it which I didn't understand. The thought of it turned my stomach. Even though my mom had been the one to teach my older brothers how to do this, I knew I would never be able. Not would I ever want to do something like that.

After supper, when it was just Adam and I doing the dishes, and the kitchen had emptied out some, I wanted to ask him about what I had heard earlier. But I didn't know how to do it without admitting I had been listening, so I kept quiet. Adam asked me how school was.

"It was alright I guess," I said.

"Was Olivia there today?"

"No… well, sort of. Violet brought her to school, but she was too scared to come inside even though I tried to tell her it would be okay. Violet took her home again."

"That's too bad," Adam said, handing me another dish to dry.

"Yea… Adam?"

"What?"

"When I was trying to help Olivia come into school this morning, the bell rang but Olivia was really upset and I didn't want to leave her and so I didn't and then I tried to tell her it would be okay, but she was still scared and-"

"Take a breath, Heidi."

I took a deep breath.

"What are you trying to tell me?"

"I got a tardy slip this morning because I was outside talking to Violet and Olivia when the bell for first period rang," I admitted.

"I see," said Adam. He paused dish washing, his hands still in the soapy water and looked directly at me.

"I'm sorry. She's my friend and I didn't want to leave her so upset."

"I understand," Adam said, still looking down at me.

I felt a weight that I didn't even know was there being lifted off my shoulders.

"You're not mad?" I said.

"I'm not mad. I know it's unlike you to be tardy for class with no good reason," Adam said.

That made me feel good inside. That he trusted me. And had a high regard of me.

"Thanks, Adam," I said, giving him a smile.

But Adam, being Adam, couldn't resist a warning. "Don't let it happen again though," he said.

"I promise I won't."

/

Apart from the night of the shooting, where I'd slept like a log, I'd been finding it difficult to stay asleep. It was like I was in hyper vigilant mode, waking up at the slightest sound. So when I heard a creak on the landing outside my room, I woke up instantly. I listened for another moment and heard the faint sound of footsteps on the stairs. I looked at the clock on my bedside table: 11.17pm. I told myself that it was probably one of my brothers going to the kitchen for a drink. But inside, I knew it wasn't that. I'm very intuitive- I've been that way my whole life. It's like I can sense that something's going to happen. I'm not psychic or anything- it's more of a feeling. It's hard to explain.

Because of that feeling, I felt like I needed to go and investigate what was going on. Careful to not wake Guthrie, I crept out of my room and down the stairs. It was silent and dark in the living room, so I headed through to the kitchen. Daniel was there. He was fully dressed, down to shoes and a coat. One of the kitchen drawers was open- the one where my brothers keep spare keys for things like the house and the cars. Daniel was rummaging through it, and then pulled out a set of keys.

"What you doing, Daniel?" I whispered.

Daniel looked up and froze at the sight of me.

"Nothing. Go back to bed, Heidi," he whispered back but his tone was aggressive. Accusatory.

"Why are you dressed? What's going on?"

"It's nothing for you to worry about. Get on back to bed. I mean it."

"Not until you tell me what you're doing up."

That seemed to make Daniel really mad. He walked right up to me.

"Go. Back. To. Bed."

"No!"

We stood there, just staring at each other for a moment.

"I'm going to wake up Adam."

Daniel grabbed my arm firmly, though it didn't hurt.

"No, don't!"

His face softened a bit.

"Look, I'll tell you okay. But you gotta promise you won't tell."

Even though I knew I shouldn't, knew that this was one of those times that the 'code' between the five of us younger kids that deigned that we didn't tattle on each other should be broken, I promised.

"I'm gonna go and see Gary Sykes."

"You can't, Daniel!"

"Why not?"

"Because Adam said you're not to! And it's late in the night! How you gonna get there?"

Daniel held up the keys in his hands.

I was, quite literally, speechless. I think I just stared at Daniel with my mouth dropped open like a fish.

Daniel let go of my arm and moved towards the back door. It made me snap out of my stunned state.

"Daniel, you can't do this! You're not old enough to drive!" I said, feeling desperate.

"Even Ford knows how to drive the jeep, Heidi," Daniel said.

It was true that living in the country, all of us got to do things that city kids wouldn't get to do. Brian had probably taught all the boys to drive in the land around our house, and I knew that he had taken Daniel to a vacant lot a few times to practice driving. But they were never, ever permitted to drive on real roads, with other drivers. Daniel knew that.

"It's against the law!" I spluttered.

"Keep your voice down! Who's gonna know? I'm gonna be out of here and back in a few hours."

"You don't know where he lives!"

"I do, Heidi."

I can honestly say, that at that moment, I may have been more scared of what was about to happen than I had been the previous weekend when the man had shot the waitress. I just couldn't quite believe what I was hearing.

"I'm going to wake Adam," I said, not bothering to whisper anymore and running towards the living room. But Daniel was too quick for me. He caught me and spun me around and crouched a bit so that he was eye level with me. He looked me right square in the eyes. And in his, I saw such pain that it almost took my breath away.

"Heidi. I really need this. And if you wake Adam, he'll stop me today, but I'll try again and again until I get to see Sykes. Just let me go. Okay?"

And against my better judgement, because I was young and foolish, because I loved Daniel and saw how badly he was hurting, because of the deeply entrenched feeling that we didn't tattle on each other, no matter what, I nodded.

Daniel gave me a half smile and then he was gone.


	38. Instant regrets

The minute I heard Daniel start up the jeep outside and then roar down the driveway, I knew had made a mistake letting him go. The engine sounded so loud that I was astonished that no one had woken up. Or perhaps it just sounded loud to me because of the state I was in. There was a stone in the pit of my stomach and my heart was hammering so wildly that I felt short of breath. I was completely conflicted. I wanted to protect Daniel from getting into trouble like the five of us younger kids did but I also knew that he was in danger, and the unspoken rule was that if one of us was in danger, it was okay to break the code.

I thought quickly: I could go and wake Adam and Brian, but to me, that still felt like betraying Daniel. That just left Crane. Crane was level headed and he was especially close to Daniel. Telling Crane wasn't even like tattling on Daniel at all, I reasoned. They were buddies after all.

I ran upstairs to Crane and Daniel's room. Crane was sprawled out spread-eagled on his bed, his quilt on the floor. He was bare chested- he normally just wore his boxer shorts to bed because he said he always overheated in the night.

I shook him awake, half whispering, half shouting his name urgently.

He opened his eyes, and when he saw me hovering over him, he sat up.

"What in the world? Heidi, what's the matter?"

"It's Daniel. He's gone, he just left, he's gone to see Gary Sykes," I said, my words tumbling out in a frenzied rush.

Crane's face looked shocked by my words and he jumped out of bed. He pulled me closer and held onto my shoulders while he questioned me.

"Gone? What do you mean he's gone? How do you know this?"

I quickly told Crane everything that had transpired between me and Daniel downstairs.

"He's taken the jeep, Crane!" I said. The words seemed to catch in my throat as I said them.

Crane swore then and started pulling on his jeans and a sweatshirt.

"What are you doing? Are you going out looking for him?" I asked desperately.

Crane didn't answer me. When I saw that he was heading to Adam and Brian's room, my heart sank.

"Crane! You can't tell! Daniel will be in so much trouble!"

Still, Crane ignored me. From where I was standing, just at the entrance to Daniel and Crane's room, I saw him go into Adam and Brian's room and switch on the light. He wasted no time in repeating what I had told him, and then I heard Adam and Brian scrambling around their room, no doubt pulling on their clothes. From the sound of it, none of them were even trying to be quiet now.

They came out the bedroom, Crane first who headed down the stairs, followed by Brian. Adam was last out. The other two had ignored me as I stood in my pajamas in the doorway of Crane and Daniel's room, holding onto the door frame to steady myself. I felt like falling over. Adam though, noticed me. He took my arm and shook me a little- not hard- but enough for me to feel it.

"What the hell did you think you were doing, Heidi, huh? Letting Daniel go off like that. Why didn't you come wake me? Or yell for me downstairs?"

I wanted to answer him, to tell him that I had wanted to, but that Daniel had begged me not to, and that I didn't want Daniel to get into trouble. But he was looking at me so furiously that I found I couldn't answer him.

"Answer me!" Adam yelled.

"Leave her alone, Adam," I heard Crane say. He had climbed back up the stairs and was standing at the top of them. Brian wasn't far behind.

"She's only eight and she was frightened."

"She's old enough to know better," Adam snapped, but he let go of my arm.

His yelling, and the general commotion had awoken Ford and Evan, and they came sleepily out of their room, asking what was happening but they were ignored.

"Crane, you stay here with the kids. Brian and I'll go after Daniel in the truck," he said.

"Adam, I think Crane should go with you. With the state Daniel's in, it's best that Crane's there to calm him down," Brian said.

"Okay," Adam said and then my three oldest brothers thundered down the stairs, Adam and Crane heading straight out the front door.

"What's going on, Heidi?" Ford said. Both he and Evan looked more awake now, but they both looked puzzled and scared.

"Daniel's gone to see Gary Sykes in the jeep," I said quietly.

Ford and Evan's eyes widened.

"He took the jeep? Oh boy…" Ford said.

"I can't believe he actually went," Evan said quietly. His face had that closed look that he gets when he's mad about something.

Both of them went downstairs then. All the lights were on downstairs but I couldn't see Brian so he must have been in the kitchen.

I stood in my place in the doorway for a moment, feeling shocked and scared and very emotional. I didn't want to head downstairs too because I thought that Brian would be as mad at me as Adam for not alerting them when Daniel wanted to take off. I thought about going back to my own room, but I felt like I needed to cry, and I didn't want to wake Guthrie. He probably wouldn't wake up: if all the commotion hadn't wakened him this far, me crying quietly wasn't likely to do it either. But still.

After considering for a moment, I went back into Daniel and Crane's room. The light was on, but I felt like it was too bright, so I turned it off. Then, I climbed into Daniel's bed and pulled the quilt up over me and succumbed to the tears that fear had been holding back. I was crying because I was scared for Daniel, but also, if I'm honest, because I felt sorry for myself. When I was younger, I absolutely hated when Adam yelled at me. Or Brian.

I wasn't crying for long before I heard the door open and then the light was switched on. It was bright and the suddenness of it made me flinch. I pulled the quilt up over my head.

"Heidi."

Brian.

I stayed hidden under the quilt.

I felt Brian's weight on the side of the bed as he sat down. The light hit me full force again as he pulled the quilt back from my head. I squinted as he came into focus. He hadn't bothered to get changed again and so was still wearing his day clothes.

"What are you doin' hidin' up here?" he said, ignoring my tears.

I shrugged, watching him, trying to gauge his mood.

"What's with the silent act?"

"I'm not being silent. And I'm not hiding," I said.

"Seems that way to me."

I sat up a bit and hugged my knees to my chest.

"I'm worried about Daniel. And I know you're mad at me…"

"Well, you were wrong, Heidi," Brian said, in his typical direct fashion. "You're not responsible for Daniel's actions, but the right thing to do would have been to come immediately and wake Adam or me. Or called for us."

"I know… I was just scared. And I didn't want to tattle on Daniel…"

"I get that. We know that you five kids feel like you have to stick together- Adam, Crane and I were the same at your age. But there's times when it's not safe to keep quiet. You gotta learn the difference. You understand that, right?"

I nodded miserably.

"Adam yelled at me really loudly," I said. My eyes refilled with tears as I thought of how furiously Adam had looked at me.

"He was worried, Heidi. And you did wrong. Don't be all feelin' hard done by," Brian said, effectively shutting down my pity party.

"Is Daniel going to be okay?" I asked. I needed to hear reassurance at that moment, and I think Brian understood that.

"Adam and Crane'll find him. He'll be alright."

"Why does he keep going on about seeing Gary Sykes?"

"It's just somethin' that Daniel's goin' through."

I didn't think that was a very satisfactory answer. What did it even mean? I must have been looking as miserable as I felt because Brian said again, "He'll be alright, Heidi."

He stood up then.

"Come down to the kitchen and have some hot chocolate with the others."

When I didn't move, he held out his hand to me. "Come on." His manner was brusque, as is Brian's way, but his tone was kind.

I put my hand in his and he pulled me up and then led me out Daniel and Crane's room and down the stairs. As we were going, he asked me if I had seen Guthrie awake.

"I think he's still asleep," I said.

Brian shook his head. "I swear, that boy could sleep through an earthquake."

/

Down in the kitchen, Evan and Ford were already sitting at the table drinking their hot chocolate. Brian asked me how strong I wanted mine, but I decided that I couldn't stomach it. I was feeling too sick. When I told Brian this, he gave me a glass of water which I just sipped on and then he busied himself with making a cup of hot chocolate for himself. He sat down at the table with us when it was ready. Ford had a chocolate mustache which Evan pointed out laughing. Ford wiped it away with the back of his hand.

"After this, y'all are goin' back to bed," Brian said.

"I'll never be able to sleep!" Evan said.

"Not until we know Daniel's okay," Ford added.

I felt the same way.

"Daniel and the others may not be home for hours. You can't stay up all night," Brian pointed out.

We all grumbled though, so much so, that Brian relented. I thought he must be really tired to do that.

"Tell you what," he said. Why don't you all go get your pillows and quilts and we'll camp out in the living room until the others get home. I'll even light a fire."

"Can we make smores?" Ford asked, getting excited.

I felt a wave of irritation with him. He didn't seem to be grasping how serious the situation with Daniel was. Daniel, who has snuck out late at night to track down the man who had killed our parents and who was illegally driving the family jeep on public roads and here Ford was, talking about making smores in the living room like it was any other evening! The more I thought about it, the more it was really starting to dawn on me how remiss I had been by allowing Daniel to go without calling for Adam and Brian. The guilt and anxiety was making my legs feel heavy.

"I can't believe you're talking about making smores when Daniel's out there somewhere in the jeep. Anything could happen!" I said, shooting my words at Ford. I was feeling so bad inside that I wanted to make someone else hurt too.

I guess, though, that deep inside, Ford was feeling the same because he spat back at me, "You're the one who let him go. If anything happens, it's your fault."

That hit home for me, especially coming from Ford, who wasn't naturally nasty. I burst into tears again, putting my head down on my arms on the table and sobbing.

"That's enough, from both of you," Brian said sternly. "Gripin´ at each other isn't goin' to help anythin'."

"I'm sorry, Heidi," I heard Ford say softly.

When I didn't acknowledge him, Brian put his hand on my back and said, "Heidi, Ford's apologized to you. Don't you think you owe him an apology too?"

I lifted my head.

"I'm sorry," I managed.

Brian got up then and grabbed some kitchen roll for me so I could wipe my eyes and nose with it.

He sat back down at the table and said, "Alright gang, time for some real talk. Heidi, can the crying for a minute and focus on me."

I wiped my eyes and tried to quieten down although tears were still leaking from my eyes. I wished Crane were there. Or even Adam. It didn't seem like Brian was feeling particularly sympathetic to my tears tonight, although if I'm honest, there are times when all my brothers seem completely unmoved by my tears.

"No one but Daniel is responsible for Daniel's actions tonight," Brian said, _"Daniel_ made the decision to sneak out the house and disobey me and Adam and _Daniel_ made the decision to take the jeep, knowing full well it's illegal to drive at his age. Daniel will have to take responsibility for his choices."

"But why does he want to see that bastard anyway? I don't get it," Evan said. He too now looked like he wanted to cry.

"Me either," said Ford.

"I kind of get it…" I said. "I'm curious what he looks like."

"Then look at a picture, you don't need to be meeting him," Evan snapped.

At Brian's immediate sharp look, he immediately said, "I'm sorry. Talking about it just bugs me is all."

"Daniel clearly feels differently than both of you do. He's his own person, Ev. You can't expect him to feel the same way about everything as you do," Brian said.

All of us looked at Brian in interest now. It seemed that he was changing his tune about Daniel seeing Gary Sykes now. When Evan pointed this out to him, not disrespectfully, he said, "Yea… well maybe I wasn't listenin' hard enough."

I thought that it sounded like Brian was maybe understanding Daniel's position a bit more and that maybe that would mean that Daniel wouldn't be in so much trouble when he was home. He didn't speak for Adam though.

As if reading my thoughts, Evan said, "Brian, is Daniel gonna get a spanking for this?"

"Whatever Daniel's punishment ends up bein´ is none of your business, partner," Brian said, but he didn't say it unkindly. "Put your cups in the sink and then go get your pillows and quilts. I'll light the fire."

The boys scrambled to obey, but I hadn't finished my water yet. I took a few more sips of it.

"You too, Heidi."

I sighed and got up to put my glass in the sink. Brian dumped the pan he had made hot chocolate in in the sink and started washing up.

"I really don't think I'm gonna be able to sleep, Bri. Even if we're all downstairs together," I said to him as I was standing next to him by the sink.

"You might be able to. Let's try and see, okay?"

"Okay," I said reluctantly.

I went upstairs and crept quietly into my room. Guthrie was still laying, fast asleep, oblivious to the happenings of the evening. I grabbed my quilt and my pillow quietly and then crept back out the room again. On my way to the door, I passed the bookshelf and on impulse, grabbed _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_ off the shelf, thinking it would be nice to be read to. The book had been a Christmas present to me on my last birthday from Sissy who owned and worked at the hair salon in Murphys. She had been a friend of my mom's and always gave us younger kids Christmas and birthday presents.

As I headed down the stairs, I could see that Evan and Ford were already installed on one of the couches, top to tail. Brian was just finishing lighting the fire. As he moved away from the hearth, I handed him the book.

"Will you read to us, Bri?"

"I'm to old to be read to!" Evan protested.

"And me!" Ford said.

"Don't listen then!" I said, curling up on another of the couches under my quilt.

"What book is it?" Ford asked.

"Alice in Wonderland."

Both Ford and Evan grumbled saying it was a kid's book. And a girl's book.

Ignoring them, Brian sat down in one of the armchairs and opened the book. "I think some reading can be arranged."

He opened the book then and started to read quietly. Both Adam and Brian were very good readers in my opinion. They read with pace and tone and did all the voices for different characters.

I closed my eyes to listen. When I opened them momentarily, I saw that Evan and Ford had closed their eyes as well. They were pretending not to listen, but I knew that they were secretly enjoying it too.

 **Thank you to people who reviewed and also to the people who read. It means a lot to me.** **I've also had time to be working on my other story so that should be updated soon too.**


	39. An agreement

Brian read for quite a while. Despite their earlier protestations, Ford and Evan fell asleep fairly quickly- or so it seemed when I peeked open my eyes. I was very tired too- the kind of tired where you feel a bit nauseated, but I couldn't fall asleep properly. Any other time, with Brian reading and the fire burning, I would have found it cozy, but now I was too anxious about Daniel. And about Adam being mad at me. Adam didn't yell at me so often- he yelled at the older boys- Daniel and Evan more. Sure, he scolded me in a sharper tone, or he lectured. But yelling? That meant that he was really angry. It made me feel sad and scared inside.

I guess Brian must have thought that all three of us had fallen asleep because he stopped reading. I immediately opened my eyes.

"Please don't stop!" I whispered.

Brian looked a little surprised.

"I thought you had fallen asleep a while back," he said, very quietly, eyeing Evan and Ford who was snoring lightly.

I shook my head.

"I told you. I can't sleep; I'm too worried."

Brian sighed. "Alright, well then how about you come take the book and read to yourself for a little while. My throat is gettin' tired."

"Okay," I whispered.

I got up and went over to his chair. As I took the book I whispered, "Are you going to sleep now too?"

"I'm goin' to try and rest my eyes, but I don't think I'll be able to sleep much either," he admitted.

"I could read to you?" I offered.

"That's sweet, honey, but I think we'd best be quiet now." He gestured to Ford and Evan. "We don't want the terrors to wake up," he said, winking at me to show me that he was just joking about calling Evan and Ford terrors.

I gigged, perhaps a bit too loudly. Brian held his finger to his lips to show me to be quiet.

"They are terrors sometimes," I whispered.

"So are you!"

"I am not!" I protested. I didn't really mind though because I knew he was teasing me.

"Yea, you are. Now go back over there and hush."

I went back to the couch I had been lying on with my book and snuggled under my quilt with it. Brian slid further down the armchair and stretched his legs out in front of him, so he was sort of sitting and sort of lying. He closed his eyes even though the position he was in looked uncomfortable.

"Bri?" I whispered loudly.

"Mmm?"

"Do you want to lie here so you can sleep? And I can sit in your chair?"

"No thanks, baby. Hush now."

So I went back to my reading my book.

/

Reading to myself did make me a bit tired again and at some point, I fall back to sleep. I don't know what time it was when I became vaguely aware of hearing people talking in whispers and very low voices. I opened my eyes. Brian was standing near to the bottom of the stairs, his arms wrapped tightly around someone whom he was talking to very quietly. Light was coming from the direction of the kitchen. Glancing over at Ford and Evan told me that they were still completely out of it. Dazed and confused, I sat up slightly, trying to remember why I was sleeping in the living room, before the events of the evening came flooding back to me.

"Daniel?" I whispered hesitantly.

The figure held by Brian didn't move, or say anything

"Daniel? Are you okay?" I said again, this time a bit louder.

Brian started. He looked over at me.

"He's okay, Heidi. You can talk to him tomorrow. Go back to sleep now," he said, sounding firm. I knew he wasn't angry at me, but I recognised that Daniel was his priority at that moment. It made me think of how protective Adam had been of me when I had got home from the police station after the shooting when he'd told the other boys to back off a bit.

Just then, I heard light footsteps coming from the direction of the kitchen and then Crane came through to the living room. He must have been tired because he didn't notice me until I whispered his name.

"Heidi! Why are you awake?" he whispered, which I thought, for a guy as smart as him, was a stupid question.

"The noise woke me up."

Crane came and sat next to me on the couch, on top of my quilt. His eyes were red with tiredness.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Far too late for you to be awake," he said. He gestured over to Ford and Evan. "What you all doing crashing down here?"

"We were worried…"

Crane nodded in acknowledgement.

"Okay, well we're home now. And Daniel's in one piece so you need to be getting back up the stairs to bed."

"Did Daniel see him?" I asked. I didn't need to clarify who the 'him' was.

"We'll talk about it tomorrow." He got up and held out his hand to me. "Come on, I'll take you on up and tuck you in."

"But can't you just tell me if-"

"Heidi," Crane said in a much sterner tone than he ever talks to me.

I looked up at him.

"I told you: we'll talk tomorrow."

He reached down and took my hand, pulling me off the couch. He grabbed my pillow and told me to grab my quilt and then he led me past Daniel, still wrapped up in Brian, and up the stairs.

When we got into my room, Crane put the pillow on my bed. I lay down and he pulled my quilt over me. He sat down on the edge of my bed.

"Where's Adam?" I asked him.

"He's in the kitchen." He gestured to Guthrie. "Guth sleep through the entire thing?"

"Yea. He's so lucky. I wish I had slept through. I wish I had never woken up at all!" I said, forgetting to whisper.

"Well I, for one, am happy you woke up and that you came and got me. God knows what could have happened if we hadn't gone after Daniel."

"Adam was so mad at me," I said, now whispering again. I feet immediately tearful again as I remembered how Adam had yelled at me.

"It was just shock, Heidi, And worry. He didn't mean it."

"But he didn't have to yell at me so loudly…" I said.

"No. But just remember that Adam's just a person, Heidi. He's the head of this family, but he's still really young. He's going to make mistakes. And just like you make mistakes and he forgives you, you can't be too hard on him if he doesn't get it right all the time. You're big enough to understand that now, okay?"

I thought to myself how nice Crane was. He always saw other people's points of view and he was always patient and kind to me. I knew I had missed him, but sometimes you don't realise how much you miss someone until you see them again.

"Okay," I said, reaching up and giving him a hug.

He hugged me back and kissed my forehead.

"Sleep tight."

/

Breakfast the next morning was strained. Everyone was tired, and because of that, lagging and tense. Daniel was silent, his face wan and his eyes blood shot from what looked like crying. Adam's eyes were also red, but it looked like it was from lack of sleep. Brian and Crane looked alright, but they too were anxious. I could tell. For my part, I felt strung out from lack of decent sleep and too much emotion. In fact, only Guthrie appeared unfazed by events. He and I had awoken at around the same time that morning and I had quickly filled him in on the events of the previous night.

"Better stay out Adam's way today," he said.

I thought that was the understatement of the century. I had already planned to slip out house in the morning and disappear for the rest of the day until we had our Thanksgiving meal, and even then, I thought I wouldn't mind missing it. That saddened me: I usually loved Thanksgiving, but now I felt like it would be ruined.

Ford voiced my thoughts at the breakfast table when he looked around worriedly at the taut, strained faces of my oldest brothers and said, "Is Thanksgiving cancelled?"

"What? No, buddy," Adam said.

He looked at Brian, probably because Brian normally did most of the cooking, although I liked to help on Thanksgiving.

"Of course, not," Brian said. He gave Ford a reassuring smile. "We might just eat a little later is all. Probably around supper time rather than mid-afternoon when we normally do it."

"When we gonna skin the turkey then?" Ford asked.

My three oldest brothers exchanged a look and then Brian said, "Probably mid-morning."

Adam cleared his throat.

"Alright gang, after breakfast I want you all to do your mornin' chores and then come straight back here. We're goin' to have a family meetin'."

"Is this about what Daniel did last night?" Guthrie said in his typically direct way.

"Yes, that's part of it," Adam said.

I looked at Daniel. His head was bowed, and he was refusing to meet anyone's eye.

Breakfast continued. I ate the rest of my toast and jelly quickly, and then grabbed my jacket and slipped out the back door, without waiting for Guthrie even. I wanted time in the fresh air to think. I headed down to the chicken pen and quickly collected the eggs in a basket. Then, even though Adam had told all of us to come straight back to the house afterwards, I had some alone time with Splotch where I told her all my worries and then snuggled my face into her fur.

I was still cuddling with Splotch when I heard a wolf whistle and then my name being called from the direction of the house. I craned my head around, and saw that Brian was standing there on the porch with his hands on the top of the fence.

I stood up with Splotch still in my arms and then grabbed the bowl of eggs before walking up towards the house. As I came into Brian's view he yelled, "Hurry up! We're all waitin' for you."

I walked a bit quicker. When I got to him on the porch, he looked down at me eying Splotch. I thought he might say something about me bringing her to the house, or the fact that I clearly hadn't come straight inside after doing my chores, but all he said was, "Come on," before shepherding me in ahead of him.

We don't have family meetings that often. When we do, it's normally an issue that needs discussing so none of us like them or look forward to them particularly. We could just talk about it around the table at lunch or supper time, but I guess Adam feels that some things deserve a more formal setting.

When I got inside, I could feel the tension immediately. Uncharacteristically for a room of McFaddens, silence pervaded the air. Guthrie, Evan and Ford were all sitting next to each other on one couch, while Crane and Adam were sitting opposite them with Daniel between them. He seemed to be folded into himself, his eyes fixed on a point on the floor. Even though I knew it wasn't the case, the way they were sitting made it seem like the battle lines were drawn. I was momentarily stuck on which side I should sit on. Crane must have spotted my hesitation because he motioned to me and said, "Come and sit by me, Heidi."

I went to sit next to him, leaving the basket of eggs on a side table. I felt sick inside and I was glad I had Splotch there, nestled in my lap, keeping me calm.

Brian took a seat in the armchair in which he had tried to sleep the night before. There was another moment of silence. It seemed like not even Adam wanted to start but then he leaned forward a bit.

"Uh, okay, guys. I think we all know why we're here, so I'm gonna get straight into it."

The silence was so thick in the air that you could have heard a pin drop.

"The man who killed mom and dad- Gary Sykes- well- he's been castin' a shadow over this family for far too long," Adam continued.

"Only because we keep talking about him!" Evan said, sulkily

"That's true," Adam said. "But the reason we keep talkin' about him is that not all of us feel the same way about how to handle him."

He put his hand on Daniel's knee and looked at him.

"What Daniel did last night- takin' the jeep and goin' in search of him- well that was irresponsible, not least because he broke the law drivin' underage and could have seriously hurt someone or himself. Daniel knows that, don't you buddy."

Daniel nodded though it was somewhat imperceptible.

"Daniel will have consequences for what he did. But for him to do it means he was really desperate- seein' Sykes is clearly somethin' he really needs. Brian, Crane and I have talked about it with Daniel this mornin' and we've decided we're gonna let Daniel, and whoever else wants to, see Sykes. Once. And then we're goin to shut the door on this for good."

"I don't want to see him," Evan said immediately.

"Me either," Ford said quickly.

"And me," Guthrie said.

I stayed silent. The truth was that I didn't have any real feelings towards him either way. I was just curious to know what he looked like.

"Nobody has to see him," Brian said. "I won't be seein' him. Adam and Crane are gonna take Daniel and I'll stay here with the rest of you."

"When you gonna go?" Evan asked, directing his question towards Adam.

"We gotta arrange a time, but probably tomorrow or the next day," Adam said. "I know this is a hard thing. It's a hard thing to think about and it's a hard thing to have to face. We've been divided over this too long now, but if there's one thing this family does best, its stickin' together. So we're not gonna give each other a hard time over this anymore. Okay?"

I knew Adam's words were predominantly meant for Evan. He was the one who had expressed the most offence and displeasure at Daniel's desire to see Gary Sykes. It seemed like we all held our breath, waiting to see if Evan would accept Adam's decree. He was looking sulky, but then he met Adam's eyes for a moment, and it seemed like something passed between them. Then, he sighed heavily and nodded.

"Okay."

Adam smiled at him.

"Alright then."

He looked around.

"Anyone else got anythin' they want to say?"

All of us shook our heads or told him no.

Adam clapped his hands together once and stood up.

"In that case, let's try and have a good Thanksgiving, okay?"

Ford's face lit up.

"Brian- can we go do the turkey now?" he said.

"We sure can, partner," Brian said. "Evan, you want to help?"

Evan said that he did.

Brian pointed to Crane and Daniel.

"You two are on side dish duty- potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce etc. The works. I'll make the pie later."

Crane ruffled Daniel's hair and pulled him into his side.

"We can take care of that, right buddy?" Crane said.

"Yea, sure," Daniel said, softly.

"You want to help, Heidi?" Crane asked. It was a job that he and I normally did together on Thanksgiving and one that I really enjoyed.

I didn't say anything, but I nodded at him.

"What's my duty, Brian?!" Guthrie asked him.

"I need your help outside," Adam said, smiling at him.

"Okay!" Guthrie said, happily. He adored working with Adam outside.

"Alright, guys, let's get to it then!" Brian said, clapping his hands. "Thanksgiving dinner won't make itself!"


	40. Thanksgiving

We sprang into action then; I think all of us were just relieved that the family meeting was over. Guthrie followed Adam outside through the front door, pestering him all the while to tell him what jobs they would be doing, and Brian ushered Ford and Evan out the back way where they would be plucking and skinning the turkey to prepare it for cooking. It was a job I found utterly revolting and I still to this day have no interest in learning how to do it. Especially being a vegetarian now. I headed into the kitchen with Crane and Daniel. Crane put us both to work sitting at the far end of the table, peeling carrots and potatoes. He had just sat down at the table to help us when the phone rang.

"I'll get it," Crane said.

He got up and walked into the living room where we could hear him pick up the phone and greet the person on the other end. That just left me alone with Daniel; that made me feel nervous because I suspected he was mad at me for failing to keep quiet about him leaving the house to see Gary Sykes. We avoided each other's gaze, which was difficult considering we were sitting across from each other. Daniel eyes were fixated on the peelings in front of him even though he must have noticed that I was continually glancing up at him from peeling, trying to catch his eye. I longed for Crane to come back and break the tension but from the laughter emitting from the other room, it sounded like he was very much enjoying his conversation.

Eventually, even though it had only been around 10 minutes of us sitting there, not talking, I could take the tension no longer.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked, sounding braver than I felt. My heart was beating in my chest like a drum.

Daniel still didn't look at me, but his brow furrowed.

"No. Are you mad at me?" He glanced up me then and paused in his peeling.

"No. Why would I be mad at you?"

"Because I put you in a crummy position last night."

"Oh. No, I'm not," I said. It hadn't even occurred to me that Daniel might think that I was mad at him. "I mean I understand why you did what you did."

Daniel gave me a half smile and shook his head slightly to try to sweep the hair out of his eyes. Since he had refused to get a haircut when the rest of us had gotten one a few weeks back, it really had grown long.

"I thought you might be mad at me because I told on you," I said.

"Nah. I know what I did was really irresponsible. I just… I just had to do it. You know?"

I nodded. "What happened?"

I wasn't even attempting to peel now and put my peeler down, but Daniel went back to doing it, not really looking at me. I guess he found it easier to have something to do with his hands.

"I arrived at his house, but I just sat there in the car, watching the house. I wanted to go in, but I couldn't. And then Adam and Crane pulled up so…"

"Was Adam very mad?"

Daniel frowned in thought and shook his head slightly. "He's mad I took the car. But he didn't yell at me or anything. I thought he would, but he didn't. Probably coz Crane was there."

"Yea," I agreed, thinking about what a support Crane was to all of us.

"We sat in the car and talked for a while. And then we came home. I think he's gonna kick my butt for taking the car but it's worth it because at least he gets it now."

"That you want to see Gary Sykes?"

"Yea."

"Why do you want to see him though? Do you want to yell at him?" I asked.

Daniel looked thoughtful and he paused in his peeling to look at me.

"I just want to hear what he has to say. And say some stuff to him. That's all."

"Okay," I said. It sounded reasonable enough to me. Personally, I didn't understand what all the drama had been about.

I picked up my peeler again and went back to attacking the carrots.

We didn't talk anymore about the previous evening or Gary Sykes any more after that. I also deliberately didn't ask him about punishment because from personal experience, I knew it was embarrassing to talk about. By taking the car and driving illegally, Daniel had done something really dangerous. And illegal. That was normally only dealt with one way in our house. I felt for Daniel, having that looming over his head.

Instead, the two of us mulled over who Crane could be talking to on the phone for this length of time.

"I bet it's a girl," Daniel said.

"You think?"

"For sure. Guys don't talk to each other on the phone for that long."

"You and Crane talk for ages on the phone when he's at college!"

"We're family, Heidi. It's not the same thing."

I giggled and was still giggling to myself when Crane wandered back into the kitchen not too long later.

He smiled at me. "What you giggling about?"

"Daniel says you've got a girlfriend!" I burst out.

"Oh yea?" Crane said, looking at Daniel pointedly. Daniel grinned at him mischievously. It buoyed me to see him in better spirits.

"Yea!" I said, "He said you must be talking to a girl because you took so long on the phone and boys don't talk to each other on the phone for long like that!"

Crane rolled his eyes to the heaven as though he didn't know what to do with me, but he smiled.

"I don't have a girlfriend, guys," he said.

"Then who were you talking to on the phone?" Daniel challenged.

"Yea!" I said.

"Just a friend," Crane said.

Daniel laughed. "A female friend though, right?"

Crane shook his head and neither confirmed or denied it. He went to the sink and washed his hands before crossing to the refrigerator and then pulling out ingredients to make stuffing.

Daniel gave me a conspiratorial look. "Aren't you going to tell us about her?"

"There's nothing to tell," Crane said in his usual calm manner.

Daniel winked at me. "He's definitely got a girlfriend.

/

The three of us cooked up a storm preparing two different kinds of potatoes, vegetables which would be roasted, stuffing, a green bean casserole and two different type of pies which we would cook later. At one point though, Brian, Ford and Evan came back into the kitchen bearing the turkey which was now ready to be prepped and put in the oven. Their clothes were dirty with the work it took to prepare the turkey and they brought with them the smell of blood before they went upstairs to shower and change clothes. The smell turned my stomach and so I grabbed my jacket from the hook at the front door and escaped into the fresh air outside.

It wasn't warm, but it wasn't terribly cold either- I was just comfortable enough with my jacket on. The sun was shining brightly in a blue sky dotted with some clouds- my favourite type of day. A little in the distance I could see Adam and Guthrie on horseback herding some of our cattle. Predictably, I headed down to the chicken coop to play with Splotch and Polly, but after a little while I felt a bit too cold. I didn't want to go back inside even though I could see now that someone had opened up all the windows and the front door, probably to air out the house.

I decided to take Splotch and Polly into the barn where the shelter meant that it would be a little warmer. Once inside, I decided I wanted to take them up to the barn attic which was tricky because Polly's not a particularly good flier and obviously Splotch couldn't make it up there on her own. It took me two runs up and down the ladder, but eventually we got settled there and I passed the time happily playing with the two of them. I liked to think they had become friends, but in reality, they continued to ignore each other.

I'm not sure how long the three of us were up there before I heard someone come into the barn and my name being called. My heart started pounding in spite of myself as we hadn't had a one to one interaction since the previous evening when he had yelled at me for not calling him to stop Daniel from leaving the house.

"I'm up here, Adam," I said, popping my head over the side in the attic so he could see me.

"There you are! I've been lookin' for you. It's time for lunch; come on down from there."

"I'm not hungry coz I snacked some this morning when we were cooking," I told him.

"It'll be a while until supper though, so why don't you come and have something light anyway."

"The house smells of blood from the dead turkey," I said, making a disgusted face.

"I just came from there. It's been aired out now- it's fine," Adam said. He sounded a bit impatient now.

Just then Polly clucked. Adam frowned.

"Do you have your chicken up there?"

"Yea. And Splotch. We're just hanging out."

Adam shook his head. "Good lord, Heidi," he said. Surprisingly, he proceeded to climb the ladder up to the barn attic to join us. When he got to the top, he made himself comfortable, cross legged, facing me. Splotch hopped up to him and sniffed him. He ran a hand over her head stroking her fur.

I felt a bit nervous that Adam had come up here to join me. I sensed an oncoming lecture and regarded him warily.

"Listen, Heidi-"

"I know you're always telling me the chickens aren't pets, but I can't help how I feel about Polly, Adam- she's my friend!" I burst out.

"What?" Adam said, looking confused, "No, that's not – I actually wanted to talk to you about last night."

"Oh. Okay…" I said quietly, feeling my heart start to beat even quicker. Here's where Adam was really going to lay into me. I pulled Splotch closer to me and then lifted her up against my chest, putting my face against her warm little body.

"I'm thinkin' I was a bit too hard on you last night. The right thing would have been for you to wake me and Brian up, but I understand that you were scared and stressed. And that you've had a really hard time lately, what with everythin' that's gone on. Sometimes I forget that you're only 8."

I looked up from Splotch's fur in surprise, but didn't say anything. Adam's eyes met mine.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you last night. Brian told me how upset you were. I was just really scared."

"That's what Crane said," I told him quietly.

Adam smiled. "Crane's a wise guy."

I nodded in agreement.

"Adam, do you know what day you're gonna take Daniel to see Gary Sykes?" I asked.

"Probably Saturday. It depends on what the lawyer says. Why?"

"I think I want to come with you."

Adam's brow knitted together in concern.

"Why do you want to see him, Heidi?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. I just want to see what he looks like. And I want to support Daniel too."

"Crane and I will be there to support him," Adam pointed out.

"I know… but I want to be there for him too."

Adam was silent and looked at me for a few moments. He looked like he was thinking.

"I think you're a little young for this, Heidi. I need to think about it. And talk to Brian."

That wasn't the answer I wanted to hear, but I didn't want to argue with him. Not after he'd just made an effort to square things between us.

"Okay," I said.

Adam regarded me for a moment longer and then he said, "I probably don't tell you this enough, but you're a good kid. I'm real proud of you."

I felt my face flush at Adam's words. Nothing gave me more pleasure than to hear he was proud of me. It meant so much to me. Adam saw it and ran his hand over my hair and then pinched my cheek lightly.

"Do me a favour and stay away from the barn this afternoon, okay?"

"Okay," I said, puzzled. "Why?"

"Just mind me, Heidi, alright?"

"Alright."

"Good girl. Come on and get somethin' to eat now. It'll be a while until supper yet- Ford and Brian have outdone themselves- that turkey's huge!"

Adam shifted then and grabbed Polly moving to climb down the ladder. I was still holding Splotch and did the same. As we were descending, I said, "Adam, guess what?!"

"What?"

"Crane's got a girlfriend!"

/

Adam was right- we didn't eat until later that evening. When we all finally sat down together, all of us were starving. Daniel's eyes were red, like he had been crying again, and he sat down sort of gingerly. I clocked then why Adam had asked me to stay away from the barn that afternoon. Daniel seemed okay though, apart from that. Calmer in a way. He didn't act like he was mad at Adam either. At first, I felt put out on Daniel's behalf: Adam didn't have to punish him today of all days; he could have waited. But when I mentioned this to Guthrie later that night when we were in bed, Guthrie pointed out that waiting for it was the worst part in a way, and that Daniel probably just wanted to get it over and done with.

The table was awash with different kinds of dishes, apart from the turkey which sat on one of the counters on the side because it was too big to go on the table. We're not a 'say a prayer before a meal' kind of family, but on Thanksgiving, we always went around the table and said one thing we were thankful for before we ate. My brothers had told me it had been a tradition of our parents. We didn't take it too seriously- I said I was grateful that I had made a new friend this year, Evan said he was grateful for Diablo, Ford said he was grateful to Brian for taking him out and cooking the turkey and Guthrie said he was grateful we had a long weekend from school. Predictably, Adam, Brian said something corny and sentimental about family. Daniel said weepily he was grateful that Crane was home with us from college and how much he missed him, and then Crane said he was grateful to Daniel.

"I bet Crane's grateful for his girlfriend too, right, Crane?" Evan said, looking at Crane mischievously and nudging him with his shoulder.

His words broke the emotional tension at the table, and we all laughed- well, apart from Crane.

"Crane, do you kiss her?!" Guthrie asked, making kissing faces.

"What's her name?" I said.

"When are you going to bring her home?!" Ford said.

Crane shook his head in exasperation. "I don't have a girlfriend!"

"Come on, partner, you can tell us," Brian said, joining in the teasing.

"There's nothing to tell!"

"Sure, pal," said Daniel playfully. "Then who were you talking to for hours this morning on the phone?"

"Just a friend! And don't exaggerate- it wasn't hours!"

"It seemed like hours to us, right Heidi?"

"It was hours and hours!" I said.

Crane rolled his eyes. "Are we going to eat at any point? I'm starving."

That spurred Brian to get up and carve the turkey and the rest of us to fill our plates. The mood around the table was jovial now. We continued to tease Crane and cajole him into telling us more about his 'girlfriend', but he remained tight lipped, insisting he didn't have one.

The food was delicious- everything was cooked just right. Of all us gorged ourselves and then also had dessert which was pie and ice cream. We all chipped in to help clear and wash up and then we moved to the living room. Because we had eaten later than usual, it was now approaching the time when Guthrie and I went to bed. I was tired, and so were the others; I could tell. Apart from Guthrie of course who had slept through the whole night, oblivious to events. But Adam let us stay up an hour past our bedtime. We played charades in two teams- my team with Brian, Ford and Daniel won- and then Crane and Daniel played music for us. Brian joined in on his harmonica and even Adam strummed on the guitar. Adam doesn't normally play- he can play though. And he's good. When he finally tucked Guthrie and me in later that evening, I told him I was grateful for a good Thanksgiving.

Adam kissed my forehead. "Me too, baby. Me too."

 ***I hate leaving a story un-updated for so long- it's fair to say though that I had absolutely no time to write. Summer is here now, and things always calm down at work in the summer so I'm aiming to update with this story and the other one regularly. Thanks for people's patience and thanks to those who are continuing to read!**


	41. The day before

On Saturday afternoon, after lunch, Daniel, Crane, Adam and I set off in the jeep for Gary Sykes's house. At lunch, Adam said he didn't want to take the truck because one or two of us would need to sit in the truck bed, and he didn't want the Sykes family thinking we were country hicks. Brian got riled at that and said that we didn't need to prove ourselves to anyone and then used a few choice words to describe Gary Sykes to which Adam replied he wanted them to know we were doing okay, which he reiterated we were. I stayed completely quiet during the altercation and most of lunch. I was just happy to be allowed to go; I'd almost not been allowed.

The day before, which was the Friday after Thanksgiving, Adam decreed we had to tidy and clean the house. None of us were happy about it, even Brian, who hated cleaning as much as the rest of us. Until Hannah came to live with us, our house was really messy. I wouldn't say dirty, because we all had weekly cleaning chores which Adam made sure we completed, and we did a big house clean together once a month. But if we didn't pick up after ourselves, it wasn't the biggest deal in the world. Brian could even be the worst offender.

"I don't want to hear it, guys," Adam said at breakfast after he had announced the day's plan, holding up his hand as though he could bat back our complaints. "It's got to be done. Evan and Daniel, you guys are on bathrooms, Ford and Brian, you're on the bedrooms and then Evan and Daniel can help you change the bedsheets, Heidi and Crane, you two are in charge of the living room and laundry and Guthrie and I will do the kitchen and the mudroom. If we work together, it's not goin' to take longer than a couple of hours max."

Evan wrinkled his nose. "Urgh! The bathrooms. Why do Daniel and I get stuck doing them?"

For his part, Daniel was silent. I figured he was probably trying to keep a low profile because of his escapade a couple of days before.

"Because it's your turn," Adam said. "Heidi and Brian did them last time we did a big clean remember? And I do them as part of my weekly chores."

"I don't remember," Evan said.

"I do!" I said, smiling at him sweetly.

I did remember. In my opinion, it was one of the worst cleaning jobs. The little bathroom with just a toilet and sink just off the mudroom wasn't too bad, because as Adam said, he gave the toilets, shower, bath and sinks a quick clean once a week, but the large bathroom upstairs, which we all used for bathing or showering was liable to get really grimy in terms of the tiles and clogged hair in the drain and tile grouting.

"Great," Evan said, sarcastically.

So, after breakfast, all of us scattered around the house to complete our assigned house cleaning chores. Crane used me as a gopher and had me scampering all over the house, putting things strewn across the living room in their rightful place. Then I dusted the baseboards, the coffee table and cleaned the windows on the inside, while Crane dealt with the bookshelves and other things which were easier for him than me because of his height. He vacuumed and then the two of us carted the dirty bedsheets, which the boys had thrown over the balcony onto the living room floor, to the mudroom where the washing machine and dryer were. Adam and Guthrie had tackled that first so there was space for us to move. There would be a couple of loads of laundry to get it all washed, so after we loaded one, Crane had me sit on top of the dryer and sort through a basket of laundry, matching and then pairing socks while he sorted the other garments into piles to take upstairs and put away.

While we were there, just the two of us, Crane started asking me about how school was going. Then he brought up my Saturday class. I wasn't expecting it, because, truth be told, I had kind of forgotten about it what with the shooting and then everything with Daniel. But with Crane talking to me about it, it brought all the negative feelings I had toward it back.

"It'll be a great opportunity, Heidi," Crane said as he folded what looked like a couple of Daniel's T-shirts.

"Everyone keeps telling me that, but I don't see how going to school on a Saturday can be a 'great opportunity'," I said.

Crane laughed. "You'll love it; they'll be people there just as smart as you are, and you'll learn new things. You love learning!"

"Not on a Saturday, I don't!"

"You want to go to college, like me, don't you?"

"Crane, I'm eight."

"I know, Ms Sassypants," Crane said, poking me in the stomach, "I mean eventually, when you're old enough."

"Yea, I guess so…" I said, slowly. Nowadays, it's my number one goal, but at that time, I hadn't given it too much thought. Crane was the first one in our family to go to college even though I knew Adam had been accepted before our parents died.

"Well then, you're off to a good start. You're smart. You're so smart that your teacher has singled you out, out of all the kids in the class to have this incredible opportunity. You should feel honored that she thinks that about you. And proud of yourself too."

That made me think a little. I paused in my pairing of the socks to focus on Crane. "But why would I feel proud of something I can't control?" I asked him, "I mean I don't try to be smart or anything… it just happens…"

"That's a gift, Heidi."

"It is?"

"Sure; it's a gift just like Daniel and Ford can sing. Or like Ford can play all those different instruments. Or like Evan is so good with animals. Those are all gifts. Your gift is your academic ability."

I had never thought about it that way before. All I had been able to focus on was having my Saturday play time curtailed.

"What if I don't like it though?"

"Didn't Adam and Brian say you only had to have a trial?" Crane said.

"Yea…"

"There you go. You don't like it, they won't make you keep going back. But I want you to promise me one thing."

"What?"

"I want you to give the class a real chance. Go in with a positive attitude, not with the view that you're gonna hate it from the start. Can you do that for me?"

I took a moment to consider. Adam says you should do that before you make a promise because once you make one, you have to keep it. I still wasn't thrilled about giving up my Saturdays, but Crane had made me look at it in another way. I thought that for him, at least, I could give it a good go.

"Okay, I _promise_ ," I said, stressing the word promise.

Crane smiled at me. "Thatta girl! Mom and dad would be so proud of you."

I raised my eyebrows. Adam and Brian often invoked our parents to say they would be proud or disappointed at our actions, but Crane rarely did it.

"They would?!"

"For sure. Education was really important to mom."

"Really?"

"Yeah. She was valedictorian of her class- she was incredibly smart. Like you. That's where you got it from."

I liked that. Smart like my momma. Now that was something I could work with.

/

We finished the houseclean in less time than Adam said it would take, and then he said that us younger kids were free to have the day to ourselves. Guthrie and I spent the morning in the fort we had made which was down near the creek. Lunch was leftovers from Thanksgiving- it looked like we would be eating turkey in one form or another for days. Brian even said he was going to make turkey soup. Over lunch, Guthrie and I decided we would go play about in the stream, which is a good 20-minute walk from the house.

"Make sure you're back for supper," Adam warned, overhearing us, before getting up to answer the telephone which was ringing in the living room.

Neither Guthrie or I were on dish duty, so as soon as we had finished eating, we asked Brian if we could go off and play and he said we could. We slid off our chairs, put our plates by the sink and then made a beeline for the front door.

"Heidi," I heard Brian call, just as I was leaving the kitchen.

I turned around. "Yea?"

"Tie your laces before you go outside."

I looked down, confused. Sure enough my shoelaces were untied. I waved at a hand at him.

"I didn't even notice. I always wear them like this," I said, before running towards the door again.

"Heidi!"

"What?"

"Mind me and tie your laces."

I huffed impatiently. "But why? It's just silly shoe laces Bri."

"Because you're likely to trip on them and fall- that's why."

"But-"

"Good lord, Heidi! Why are you back talkin' about something so trivial? Either tie your laces or you can spend the afternoon in your room," Brian said. I recognised that tone of voice as frustrated, one step away from being mad.

"Okay, okay," I said and bent down to tie the laces on my sneakers. After I had done it, I stood back up and looked at Brian to see if I could go. He nodded at me and I quickly grabbed my jacket and ran out the door to catch up with Guthrie.

The two of us played all afternoon and when it seemed like it was getting close to supper time, we headed back. As we were coming up our driveway, Guthrie challenged me to a race.

"I'm gonna beat you!" he said, taking off before I'd even had time to think.

I looked down and noticed my laces were undone, but I couldn't let Guthrie win- he'd lord it over me- so I ignored them and took off at speed. And then, I'm not sure what happened, but one minute I was running as fast as I could up our driveway, and the next minute I was tripping and then skidding on all fours. Immediately I felt a searing pain in my knees. I sat winded for a couple of seconds and then tried to get to my feet. My knees really hurt! When I looked down, I could see my jeans were torn through at the knees.

Guthrie was already at the front door, waving his arms in a victory position. But as he saw me limping slowly up the rest of our driveway, clearly a bit shocked and dazed, he came racing towards me.

"What happened? What's the matter?"

I tripped and fell," I said, mournfully.

"Your jeans are ripped!"

"I know, my knees really hurt, Guth! And my palms a bit!" I said.

"I'll go get Adam or Brian," Guthrie said, racing toward the house. He emerged again less than a minute later with Evan in tow.

"Where's Adam?" I said. I only wanted him or Brian at that moment.

"He's still out on the ranch. And Brian and Crane. I'm the only one in the house. What happened?" Evan said.

"I fell."

"Here, hop on my back. I'll carry you up to the house," Evan said.

But because my knees really hurt, I couldn't jump and get on Evan's back. He ended up picking me bridal style and carrying me into the house, with Guthrie getting the door for us. Even at 13, Evan had a muscular build for his age, and anyway, it really wasn't very far to the door. I probably could have walked it.

When we got into the house, Evan carried me straight through the kitchen and then he lifted me, so I was sitting on one of the kitchen counter while Guthrie hovered next to me. Evan rolled up my jeans to above my knees, being careful not to let the material touch my cut knees.

"Ouch. They're only badly grazed, but it still looks sore," he said. "They're gonna need cleaning. I'm gonna get the first aid kit."

Evan quickly retrieved the first aid kit from the mudroom and took out a pack of antiseptic wipes. He took one out the pack and then dabbed at my right knee with the wipe.

I'm not very good with pain- I mean no one likes it, but some people are better able to handle it than others. My pain threshold has been low since I was a little girl.

"Owwww, Evan!" I screeched, pulling my leg away from him and then holding it. It stung so badly! "You're hurting me!"

"I know it hurts, Heidi, but we gotta clean it out!" Evan said. He dabbed at the graze on my right knee again with the wipe and I hollered again and then burst into noisy tears.

Evan rolled his eyes. "You are such a girl," he said, coming at my knee again with the wipe, but I pulled away and shrieked at him to get away from me, becomming hysterical.

"What in the world is goin' on here- we can hear you all the way from outside," a voice said. Though my tears, I saw that Adam, Brian and Crane had come into the kitchen- I hadn't heard them come through the door with all the screaming I was doing.

"Heidi tripped and fell on the way back to the house. She cut her knees and Evan's trying to clean them," Guthrie informed them.

"He's hurting me!" I said dramatically through my tears.

"It's the antiseptic that hurts, not me!" Evan said, sounding exasperated.

Both Adam and Brian approached me.

"You hurt anywhere else?" Adam asked, checking me over.

"Nooooooo."

He lifted my lower leg so he could inspect my left knee and then did the same to the other one.

"Evan's right, they're gonna have to be cleaned, just to make sure," Adam said. He took the wipe from Evan and patted his cheek. "Thanks partner, I'll take it from here."

Evan looked mightily relieved and made a swift exit towards the living room.

Adam straightened my leg and moved towards me with the wipe, but I shrieked again and pulled away from him.

"Noooooo, it hurts so bad! I don't want you toooo!" I cried.

"Enough drama, Heidi," Adam said firmly. "I know it hurts, but the cuts have got to be cleaned to make sure they don't get infected."

Strangely, instead of Adam's firm tone upsetting me further, it calmed me down in a way. Grounded me. He's always been able to do that for me, ever since I was little. My sobs immediately quietened, but I was still terrified of him coming near me with the wipes.

"Here, I'll hold her while you clean her knees," Brian said.

He lifted me from the counter and sat down on a chair at the table, putting me on one of his knees and holding me to him.

"Shhh, calm down now," Brian said firmly in my ear. He grabbed my hand. "Squeeze my hand when it hurts."

He nodded at Adam, who carefully started to clean my left knee with the wipe. It hurt so much and I squeezed Brian's hand as hard as I could, whimpering the whole time and scrunching up my eyes. Adam did the same to my right knee. Then he put some soothing cream on both my knees and applied a huge band aid to each one.

"There," he said, patting one of my lower legs. "All done." He smiled at me teasingly. "What do you think, Bri? She goin' to live?"

Brian squeezed me slightly. "I think she'll see another day."

But I wasn't in the mood for their teasing and just continued to cry.

Brian held me on his lap a while longer until I calmed down further. He kissed my temple and patted my left thigh. "C'mon now, hush. You're alright," he said, soothingly, repeating himself a couple of times.

The others buzzed around us now, getting supper ready, or setting the table, or washing up at the sink.

When I was nearly quiet, Brian looked down at me.

"How did you trip?" he asked.

"I don't know," I hiccupped. "I just did."

"Were your laces loose?"

I shrugged. I'm stubborn and I didn't want to admit they had been.

"You think you're gonna make sure your laces are tied from now on?"

"Yea," I said in a small voice.

Brian patted my thigh again but didn't say anything else.

/

After we had finished supper that evening, just before Guthrie and Crane got up to do the dishes, Adam cleared his throat and said quietly that Mr Atwood, our family lawyer, had spoken to the lawyer for the Sykes family, and that he, Crane and Daniel would be heading over to the Sykes family home the following afternoon.

"And me too, right, Adam?" I said.

Adam gave me a doubtful look.

"No, honey, you stay here with Brian and the others."

"But you said I could come!"

Adam frowned. "When?"

"Yesterday, in the barn when we were talking!"

"No, I didn't."

"You did, Adam!" I insisted.

Adam fixed me with a pointed look. "No, Heidi, I didn't. You asked me if you could come and I said I'd think about it. And I've thought about it and I've decided you're to stay here."

"But that's not fair! I want to come!" I said, feeling really upset inside. It wasn't helped by the fact that my knees were still smarting badly.

"You're too young, you-"

"Adam," Brian said.

Adam stopped talking to me and looked at Brian. Brian gave him a meaningful look and nodded in the direction of the living room. Adam sighed and then he and Brian got up and went through to the living room.

Nobody else really said anything. Daniel gave me a sympathetic smile and Guthrie and Crane got up to do the dishes. Evan disappeared out through the back way saying he was going to spend time with Diablo. His face was dark, like a cloud; I knew it was because he was upset that some of us were going to meet Sykes. He had accepted it, but it didn't mean he had to be happy about it. Daniel also left the kitchen, heading up to his bedroom. Probably to listen to music on his Walkman.

I sat at my place at the table, with my arms crossed moodily. I felt incredibly fed up; it was definitely not my week. Not my month even! I could hear the deep tones of my brothers talking in the living room and I longed to know what they were saying. But I knew they would both lose it if they caught me eavesdropping.

Not too long later, my oldest brothers came through to the kitchen again and sat across from me. I eyed them both warily.

"Alright, little miss, you can come with us tomorrow," Adam said, although he didn't sound best pleased.

"Really?" I said perking up.

"Yes. You have Brian to thank."

I smiled at Brian. "Thanks, Bri."

He winked at me.

"How come you're letting me go?" I asked.

"Because," said Adam, "This is your one chance to see him. After this day, we're gonna forget about him. Put all of this to bed. Okay?"

"Okay."

"And since tomorrow's gonna be a hard day and you're already tired and emotional, I want you in bed early tonight."

I thought that was a bit ridiculous, but I recognised I had won a victory, so I agreed and when Adam told me to go take a shower and get ready for bed not much later, I obeyed him without a fuss.

And now, here we were, one day later, about to go and meet the man who had changed the course of our lives forever.


	42. A life sentence

That afternoon is seared into my memory; let's face it, meeting the man who killed your parents isn't exactly something you forget. Now that I'm older, I can't believe Adam let me go along, considering my age and considering how traumatic and emotional it turned out to be.

We rode to Sykes' house in a tense silence. Adam drove, with Crane in the front passenger seat and then me and Daniel in the back. It wasn't raining, but it wasn't exactly warm either, so Adam had put the cover on the jeep although the wind still swept in through the open sides of the car. I had brought Rocket, my childhood stuffed toy, with me for comfort, even though it was childish; and I cuddled him to me now. All of us were dressed smartly. Not wedding smart, but smarter than just going into Murphys or Angel's Camp. I was even wearing a dress. I didn't have many dresses- I mostly wore them to church or for a special occasion. I didn't mind wearing one; actually I quite liked wearing one, so I was happy to put one on for the visit, and this one covered my skinned knees which were still smarting badly. It was part of Adam's whole 'we must appear smart and put together' thing that he had been reiterating all morning. He and Brian were at odds with it. Adam was acting like we were going to see royalty or something while Brian said Sykes could take us how we were, and we shouldn't have to put on an act for anyone. Adam said it wasn't about putting on an act, but rather he didn't want anyone feeling sorry for us. Brian said that he hoped that Sykes did feel sorry, more than sorry for what he had done. And so on.

Evan wasn't around when we left the house- he had gone out riding, but Ford and Guthrie were milling around though they didn't pay much attention to us. Both Adam and Brian asked me again if I was sure I wanted to come.

"It's not too late to change your mind," Adam said.

"You can stay here with me if you want to; we're gonna go for a ride. See if we can catch up with Ev," Brian said.

But I was sure I wanted to go. I wanted to be there with Daniel. Plus, I was more than curious to put a face to the name that had been haunting our family for weeks now.

Gary Sykes lived in a nearby town called San Andreas which was about the same distance from Murphys to Angel's Camp. Our ranch is about 20 minutes from Murphys and so adding on the time it took to get to San Andreas, we were in the car for around 40 minutes. Adam seemed to be driving slower than he normally would; I guessed maybe he was stalling for time, but I didn't want to ask and make a nuisance of myself. It seemed like one of those times when it's best to be quiet. I watched the scenery rush past me as we sped along. At one point, I glanced over at Daniel, but he too was looking out his side pensively.

Once we entered the town of San Andreas, Crane began to direct Adam which way to go from the map he was holding on his lap. As we made turns in the road, the houses got bigger, and nicer.

"These houses are really something," Daniel said quietly, more to himself than to anyone else.

"Take the next right, and then we're there. Number 117," Crane said.

Adam turned right and we drove down the nicest street so far. Our house is pretty big- well big enough for 8 people, but these houses far surpassed ours in terms of size. They sat behind huge, manicured lawns, some of which were contained in white picket fences. Fancy, shiny cars lined the driveways.

"What did you say Sykes did again? Before, you know…" Crane asked Adam.

"I'm not rightly sure. Somethin' to do with business," Adam said.

Adam drove slowly down the street while the rest of us looked out for the numbers on the houses to make sure we got the right one.

"Will Mr Atwood be there?" Daniel asked suddenly, referring to our family lawyer.

"No," said Adam. "He liaised with Sykes's lawyer, but it's just goin' to be us and the Sykes family. He's asked if his wife and his daughter can be with him and I said it was okay."

"Stacey Sykes?" I asked, remembering the woman who had come to our house a few weeks before bearing a chocolate cake and asking strange questions about our family before we knew who she was.

"That's right."

"That last house was 113 so we're about here," Crane said.

Adam crawled slowly past the next couple of houses until we reached number 117. He didn't park in the driveway, but pulled up outside the house.

We all sat in silence for a few minutes looking at the house. It was just as nice as the others on the block and the garden was very beautiful even though it was turning into winter. You could tell that someone enjoyed being outside gardening.

Then, as if a spell had been broken, Adam turned his body to face the rest of us.

"You ready?" he said.

"Uh huh," I said.

"Danil, you okay?" Adam prompted.

Daniel took a deep breath. "I'm ready."

"Alright then. Let's go."

Adam and Crane slipped out the jeep and Daniel and I climbed out. I was still holding Rocket. I was loath to let go of him.

"Can I bring Rocket in with me?" I asked Adam looking up at him.

"If you want to."

The four of us headed up the path towards the front door. Adam led the way with Daniel and me behind him, and Crane at the back. I could feel the pain in my knees as I walked; the cuts were still fresh and there had been another hysterical episode that morning on my part when Adam changed the band aids on them and insisted on cleaning them again with antiseptic. But I was soon distracted by two garden gnomes peeking out from behind some shrubbery.

"Look at the gnomes! They look so funny," I cried, turning to Crane and pointing them out.

He smiled at me, but his smile didn't reach his eyes and then he reached for my hand and took it.

When the four of us reached the front door, Adam rang the doorbell. I heard a sort of squeaking sound from Daniel and when I looked at him, he was lightly trembling. Adam put a steadying hand on Daniel's shoulder and pulled him into him.

Time stood still while we waited on the doorstep for someone to answer the door, but it probably wasn't more than 30 seconds before we heard footsteps and the door opened.

It was opened by an older woman; I couldn't tell you her age because everyone that's not a kid or a teenager looked old to me. But she was most definitely a lot older than Adam and Brian; that's for sure. She was wearing a pair of grey slacks and a turquoise sweater and she had beads around her neck. She had short blonde hair that was neatly coiffed. It was a more toned down version of the peroxide blonde that Stacey Sykes who was standing behind the woman, had.

A moment of awkward silence followed. The woman appeared to be frozen in her spot; to my mind she looked scared. Then Stacey said quietly, "Invite them in, mom."

"Oh yes. You all must be…"

"We're the McFaddens," Adam said. His voice sounded hoarse.

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm Linda…," the woman trailed off again. She seemed incapable of completing a sentence. She looked like Evan had that one time when he had had a bad fever and fainted.

Stacey stepped in front of her mother to rescue her.

"Thanks so much for coming. Come in, please."

She held the door open and we stepped into the house. The house was even fancier on the inside. There was wood and glass and plants everywhere and it smelled of freshly scented pine. I liked it.

We followed Stacey and her mother down a hallway that was flooded with light and into a living room which had large wooden doors. There were three large couches in there and an arm chair. They were cream and looked large and comfortable. I remember thinking to myself that cream couches in our house would never last.

The four of us sat down on one of the couches- Adam at one end with Daniel next to him and then Crane. I tried to squeeze myself in between Daniel and Crane but Crane pulled me to sit on his knee and held me tightly around the waist. I would have preferred to be sitting on the couch, but then a thought occurred me that maybe Crane needed someone to hold on to like I was cuddling Rocket, so I stayed quiet.

"My dad will be down in a minute. He's just upstairs getting ready. He's slow these days, ever since he came out of jail. It aged him a lot," Stacey said.

None of us said anything.

Stacey cleared her throat nervously. "Anyway, can I get you a cup of coffee or something?" she said to Adam and Crane.

"No. Thank you," Adam said stiffly. Crane echoed him.

"I don't think we've met," Stacey said to Crane. I remembered that he hadn't been in the house at the time that she had come over unannounced.

"Crane," Crane said.

"I'm Stacey Sykes."

Crane nodded in acknowledgement.

"Heidi, Daniel would you like a glass of lemonade?"

Daniel said no but I looked to Adam to see if it would be okay to accept. He gave me a brief smile and a nod as if to say it was okay.

"Yes please," I said.

Stacey went off to the kitchen leaving only her mother in the room with us. She sat down on one of the armchairs, wringing her hands, nervously. She appeared to be completely tongue tied. She could hardly look at us. In fact, she looked close to tears. Sitting with my back to Crane, I could feel his heart beating wildly and I could feel the tension emanating off both Daniel and Adam. I wasn't nervous for myself; I only felt like I wanted to protect my brothers.

Stacey came back after a couple of minutes with my glass of lemonade which she handed to me. I thanked her and took a small sip.

Stacey didn't sit down, but hovered near to the fireplace.

"Thanks for coming," she said again, softly. "I know this is hardly your concern, but it'll mean a lot to my dad. Since he came out of prison, he's sort of… broken."

Still my brothers didn't say anything. The air was thick with tension. I couldn't take it. I needed to fill the silence.

"It's because of Daniel. He wants to see your dad. He even stole the car and ran away one night because of it."

"Oh my!" Linda Sykes said, looking more and more like she was going to cry.

"Hush, Heidi!" Adam said sternly, looking my way. I looked back at him as if to say 'what have I said?" before I remembered that Adam wanted us to make a good impression.

"Oops," I said, softly.

"It's okay," Crane said in my ear.

"This must be really hard for you all…" Stacey said. "My dad's not a bad person. He's…"

She trailed off as the door to the living room opened and a man walked slowly into the room. Crane squeezed me tighter, almost to the point that I couldn't breathe. I glanced at Adam; his face was a hard as a stone. He didn't even look angry. Just blank sort of. He put his hand on the back of Daniel's neck and massaged it lightly.

The man glanced at us as he walked in, but he didn't look at us properly until he sat down on one of the couches facing us. I looked at him in fascination. I knew that this was Gary Sykes. The man who had killed our parents by crashing his car into their one night when he was miles over the alcohol limit. The man who had changed all of our lives forever. Every time I thought of him, I had imagined him as really ugly, looking like a monster or something. But in reality, he didn't. He looked much older than Linda Sykes; his hair was greying and receding. He was wearing beige chinos and a black shirt. He was average size and build. He just looked like a normal man. Like he could be someone's father, or grandfather.

Stacey sat next to her dad and took his hand.

"Dad, this is Adam McFadden, the oldest son," she said, gesturing to Adam, "And then there's Daniel next to him, and then Crane, and Heidi. She's one of the twins who are the youngest."

Stacey turned to us.

"McFaddens, this is my dad. Gary Sykes."

When he, Gary Sykes, spoke, his voice quavered like it does when you're holding back a lot of tears or emotion.

"Thank you for coming. I know you didn't have to, and I know not all of you are here. You don't owe me anything; I owe you all so much if anything…" he started, trailing off.

"We didn't come for your sake," Adam said. His tone wasn't rude, just matter of fact, flat even. "We came because my brother, Daniel," here Adam put his hand on Daniel's head, "wanted to speak to you. The rest of us are just here for support, I guess."

"Go ahead," Sykes said, throatily. "Ask me anything you want."

Daniel looked nervously at Adam, but Adam gave him a half smile and said quietly, "Go ahead, partner. But take your time if you need to."

Crane shifted me on his knee and squeezed me again.

"You alright?" he asked me quietly in my ear. I nodded.

"I want to know why you were driving drunk the night you crashed into my parents' car," Daniel said, directing his question straight at Sykes.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Linda sink back in her chair like she wished that it would come alive and swallow her up. Both Skyes and Stacey ignored her though.

Sykes nodded. "It's a good question and believe me, it's one I haven't stopped asking myself every day since the night of the accident. I'd been out with some business associates for dinner. We were drinking; we'd closed a big deal that day and we wanted to celebrate. I couldn't tell you how much I drank; I lost count but I didn't feel drunk. I felt… on top of the world. Like nothing could touch me." Sykes voice broke a little and he took a deep breath. "And then, I got in my car. I don't remember much else. I know I fell asleep at the wheel, and I remember the impact of the crash and then-"

At this, Sykes's face crumpled like it does when you burst into tears. He stopped talking, trying to compose himself.

Stacey took his hand and squeezed it.

"It's okay, dad, you're doing really well."

"And then I remember waking up in the hospital."

Daniel looked down at his hands and then he looked up again.

"What was prison like for you?" he asked.

Sykes took a moment before he answered. "Prison was… God it was… prison was nothing less than I deserved, Daniel. If you want the truth, I think I deserved longer. Nothing, nothing can ever express how sorry I am for that night. I know you hate me. I know I ruined your lives. I know I robbed 8 children of their parents. I wish I had died that night instead of your parents."

I looked on in horror as Skyes ended his monologue and dissolved into full blown tears. He hid his face in his hands, and although his sobs were silent, they were deep, like he was convulsing. Stacey put her arm around her dad and kept telling him it was okay. I glanced at Linda and saw silent tears were running down her face and she was making no effort to wipe them away.

I was scared to death; I had never ever seen a grown man cry like that before. And an old man at that. Before I knew it, I was crying too. Not because I felt mad at Sykes, but because I just felt so completely sorry for him. I turned my face into Crane's chest so I wouldn't have to look any more, and he cuddled me close.

"It's alright," he whispered into my hair.

"Crane, take her out to the car," Adam said quietly, but before Crane could even move, Daniel said in a strong voice, "Mr Sykes?"

I peeked out from Crane's chest. Skyes didn't take his face out his hands, but Daniel continued.

"I had a whole speech planned of what I was going to say to you today. I wanted to see you, see what you were like and see if you really were sorry. But now… I just want you to know, I don't hate you. You didn't ruin our lives. You changed them, and you caused us a lot of pain and a lot of hurt, but you didn't ruin them."

Still, Sykes continued to sob.

"My brothers Adam and Brian, they take really good care of all of us. And we're doing okay, we are. If anything, we're closer than most families. I can't speak for anyone other than me in my family. But I'm tired of thinking about you. I'm tired of hearing your name. And I don't want to be angry anymore. So I forgive you."

At this, Sykes cried harder. He was crying so hard that I thought he might make himself sick.

Stacey looked at us helplessly.

"I think we'd better go," Adam said, "unless you want to say anything else, Daniel?"

"No," Daniel said quietly.

We stood up and so did Stacey. Sykes stayed where he was, lost in his own world of hurt and pain.

She walked us toward the door. The large grandfather clock that I had noticed when we had entered the house told me we had only been here for around 30 minutes at most. Yet it felt longer. So much longer.

"I'm so sorry," Stacey said. "He's really not a bad man. He was a wonderful father, before all of this…"

"I know," Adam said.

Stacey gave us a sad smile and opened the door for us. We walked down the path in silence towards the car. We were about to get in, when Adam said, "Wait a minute, guys."

He pulled Daniel into him and enfolded him in a huge hug. Daniel burrowed into him. Adam kissed the top of Daniel head and said quietly, "I'm so proud of you, Danny."

Daniel pulled away from Adam and looked up at him.

"He's serving a life sentence, isn't he," he said.

"Yes," Adam said, "He is."

Adam turned to Crane who was hovering to the side.

"You alright, champ?"

Crane nodded and gave Adam a shaky smile.

"Just about."

"C'mere honey," Adam said to me.

I went to him and he swept me up. I put my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist.

"How you doin' baby girl?"

I felt completely overwhelmed. "That was so sad, Adam."

"It was," he said.

He hugged me a moment longer and then set me back down on the ground. He got into the driver's side and Crane took the front passenger seat again, while Daniel and I climbed back into our spots in the back.

Adam pulled out of his spot and we headed back the way we came. We were silent again, lost in our own thoughts. But as we were on one of the country roads, not too far from Avery, Adam pulled over suddenly and still clutching the wheel, put his head against it.

"Hey, man, you okay?" Crane said putting a hand on Adam's back.

Daniel and I also asked him if he was okay, both of us alarmed.

"I'm fine guys, just a little dizzy," Adam said.

"C'mon swap places with me," Crane said.

Adam shook his head. "It's okay, I'll be fine in a minute."

"Don't be so darn stubborn, Adam. Just move," Crane said, sounding confident and in charge.

It was a testament to how badly Adam must have felt when he did what Crane said, and the two of them swapped places. He had his eyes closed the rest of the journey home.

When we pulled up to the house, no one came out the house to meet us which meant that they were probably still on their ride. We hadn't been gone more than a couple of hours. Daniel asked Crane if they could go for a walk.

"Sure," said Crane, "but let me just take care of Adam first."

"No one needs to take care of me, the two of you go on," Adam said, shooing them away.

He walked up to the house and I followed him. When we got in there, the house was completely silent. I put Rocket down on the living room coffee table. Adam flopped down on one of the couches and lay back against one of the cushions, closing his eyes.

"What you gonna do now, honey?"

"Take care of you," I said.

Adam smiled with his eyes still closed.

"I don't need takin' care of. I'm just a bit wiped out is all."

Adam never ever sat down during the day to rest so I figured that if he was doing so, he must be feeling pretty bad. Or sad.

"I want you go straight up to bed, mister," I said, summoning authority in my voice. If Adam was going to be stubborn, I would treat him just like he treated me when I was being so.

Adam opened his eyes and looked at me in amusement.

"Is that so?"

"Yes." I pointed to Adam's bedroom. "March up those stairs."

Adam laughed and then saluted me.

"Yes ma'am."

He got up slowly and climbed the stairs, followed by me. When he got into his bedroom, he pulled his shoes off and then lay down on his bed.

"Do you want the blanket?" I asked him, referring to the blanket on the armchair in his room.

"I reckon that'd be nice."

I grabbed the blanket from the armchair and spread it over him as best I could.

"I'm just gonna get you some water," I said.

I quickly fetched him a glass of cold water from the kitchen and brought it back up, putting it down on his bedside table.

"Do you need anything else?" I asked.

Adam smiled at me. "Come lay with me," he said.

I slipped off my shoes and lay next to him. He lifted his arm and drew me closer so my head was laying on his chest. For the second time that day, I found I was being 'Rocket' to my big brothers. I thought it was a shame that people got too old for stuffed toys. We all needed something or someone to hold on to.

We lay in silence for a while. Adam had his eyes closed. I could feel slowly, that his body was relaxing into the bed.

I fiddled with the buttons on his shirt, absently.

"Adam?"

"Mmm?"

"Is it wrong of me to feel bad for Gary Sykes? And not angry?"

It was bothering me how badly I felt for the man and his family. Surely it made me disloyal to our family? Daniel had said he forgave him, but he had also said he had been angry before. I wasn't angry. I had never been angry.

Adam's hand moved up to my hair which he smoothed back and then he patted my back.

"No, honey. You can feel however you want to feel. Feeling bad for Sykes shows you have empathy. That means you can identify with how other people feel and that's a good quality to have."

"He killed mom and dad though."

"He did. But some things in life aren't black and white. Some things in life aren't simple. This is one of them."

 **If you like, please review! Special thanks to loyal reviewers- you give me life!**


	43. Sunday night doom

Adam and I talked a little while longer and then we both dozed off. It had started to rain more heavily outside and it was cosy, lying there under the blanket on his bed with him listening to the rain patter on the roof. I felt overwhelmingly tired and soon dozed off.

I'm not sure for how long I was asleep, but when I started to come to, I could hear Adam and Brian, talking to each other. I must have rolled off Adam's shoulder because I was lying curled up on the bed, with my head on a pillow. I could tell that he was still lying next to me though, and it sounded like Brian's voice was coming from my left. I thought he might be sitting in the large armchair in the corner of the room. I wanted them to continue talking so I kept my eyes closed. It wasn't eavesdropping at all, I told myself, as they knew I was in the room.

"Daniel was incredible," Adam said, "You'da been mighty proud of him."

"I reckon I would. You think he's got this whole thing out his system now?"

"I think so. I think it did him a lotta good. Part of me thinks it's a shame Ev wasn't there… or you."

"He's not ready, Adam. I'm not either."

"I know."

"How's this one?" Brian said, and he must have been gesturing to me because I felt a hand lightly brush across my hair and then Adam said, "She seems to be alright, but you never know with Heidi; it could be the calm before the storm. She's had a helluva week, poor kid. The shootin' was only a week ago today, and now this."

"You expectin' a meltdown?"

"I hope not, but I wouldn't be surprised. How were the others this afternoon?"

"Ev's moody as hell, Ford was quiet all afternoon and Guthrie's as buoyant as ever."

Adam laughed. "So, the usual then?"

"Yep," said Brian, laughing too.

There were a few moments of silence and then Adam said, "How you doing?"

"Me?" Brian said, surprise in his voice, "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

"C'mon, Brian, cut it out. This whole Sykes thing musta brought some stuff up for you."

"Sure… but I don't like to think about it. Or talk about it. Ya know?"

I couldn't see his face because my eyes were closed, on account of still pretending to be asleep and all, but I could imagine that his face had that closed down look that he gets when someone even hints at asking him about his feelings. It's hypocritical really, because he's always telling me it's important to talk about how I feel, but he's really not very good at it himself.

"I know," said Adam. "But if you want to… you know…"

"I know…"

/

Brian suggested that evening that we all make homemade pizza since Crane would be leaving the next day to go back to college.

"Why can't we go out for real pizza?" Guthrie asked, innocently.

"Because it costs money and we can't afford it, doofus," Evan said.

Adam admonished him and Evan looked sulky. I knew that he was having a hard time accepting that some of us had gone and met Sykes. He hadn't asked anything about it. In contrast, Daniel was almost zen like. He was quiet, and he had spent the majority of the late afternoon in his bedroom, twanging on his guitar and probably writing music.

Once I had woken up properly from my nap on Adam's bed, I had gone outside to see my rabbit and do my chores. I had seen Guthrie and Ford out there, both of whom asked me curiously how it had been seeing Sykes.

I had shrugged, finding it difficult to find the words to explain the level of emotion that I had witnessed that afternoon.

I settled for, "It was sad…"

"Did Daniel yell?" Ford asked.

"No…"

"What did he look like? Sykes I mean?"

"He looked like a normal man, Ford. Like someone you might go to church with."

"But what actually happened!" asked Guthrie, impatiently.

But I found that I didn't want to talk about it. It was too sad. I continued to stroke my rabbit, not really saying anything.

"Heidi!" Guthrie said.

"Quit! I don't want to talk about it. Go ask Adam or Crane or Daniel if you're so desperate to know!" I snapped and then felt immediately sorry when Guthrie and Ford stalked off. But something inside me felt too stubborn to stop them and apologise for snapping at them.

But when we were all making pizza later, sitting at the kitchen table, neither of them acted annoyed with me. Adam and Crane went outside to finish up some evening chores while Brian directed the rest of us in making the dough. It turned out not to be difficult at all. We only ended making two large ones because of the limited room in the oven and the warming drawer, but he let us go to town on a quarter of the pizza each. I even put pineapple on mine- something which I had had once at Olivia's.

He also made a couple of salads and some potato wedges as our family eats _a lot_ at all meals. The pizza was delicious- it tasted different to the ones you'd get at a proper pizza parlour, but it was still good. Crane laughed at both Guthrie and me good naturedly because he said we had tomato sauce all over our faces.

"It's because I'm a vampire," I said, turning to Guthrie bit him very lightly, making vampire noises.

Guthrie screamed and landed on the floor, writhing around yelling that he was changing into a vampire. I found this completely hilarious and it spurned me to turn to Brian and declare I was going to turn him into one too.

"Terrifying," said Brian, letting me bite him very lightly too. It wasn't even biting, really.

"You're not turning into one!" I complained when Brian didn't play along.

"I'm immune," Brian said, reaching down to pull up Guthrie who was still on the floor.

I got out my seat and headed round to Crane.

"I'm gonna turn you into a vampire, Crane," I said.

"Don't come near me with your sticky hands!" he said, which of course made me laugh and prompted me to want to wipe my sticky hands all over Crane.

"Good lord, what is happenin'," Adam said, more to himself than to anyone.

"Heidi, come back to your seat and settle down," he said to me then.

"Awww, but I'm having fun!" I said.

"Well come and have fun back in your chair and eat the rest of your supper."

I did as I was told, still giggling and went back to my chair to resume eating my food.

"Adam, can we have a memory evening?" Ford said suddenly.

"Good idea, Ford," Daniel said, "Adam, can we?"

Evan said nothing, but I could from his expression that he was interested.

Adam looked thoughtful but then he smiled at me and my brothers.

"Yeah. I think tonight would be a perfect night for a memory evenin'.

So, after supper and the dishes had been done, all of us piled into the living room for memory evening. Memory evening was something that I had grown up with. The photo albums that my parents had made when my older brothers were little, right up until Guthrie and I were two, were pulled out and my brothers, most Adam, Brian and Crane, would tell stories, or memories they had a about our parents. Us younger kids knew that we could ask for a memory whenever we wanted and we would never be denied, but memory evenings were something different because it was like talking about our parents made them come alive, to be right in the room with us. We didn't do it that often- I could have sworn that Adam, Brian and Crane didn't like them that much, but they did it for us. Because they wanted to keep our parents alive for us younger kids, especially Guthrie and me who had no memories of our own.

Crane lit the fire and then we all settled on the couches and the chairs and the floor.

"Brian, you go first! Tell about the time that you used mom's makeup to paint your and Adam's faces as warriors!"

"No! Tell about when you and Adam took in some of mom and dad's good clothes to school for the church clothes drive!" I said.

Both Guthrie and I absolutely adored hearing tales about the scrapes our oldest brothers had gotten into when they were little.

My words spurned Evan, Daniel and Ford to call out other memories that they wanted to hear again.

Brian waved his hands to get silence.

"One at a time!" he said.

"I've got a good one," he said, laughing to himself. He turned to Adam and Crane. "Guys, remember the time mom came on round up with us?"

"Mom came on round up?" Guthrie asked, his eyes wide.

"Just once," Adam laughed. "She got it in her head that she wanted to come and she wouldn't take no for an answer. I think it was just before she got pregnant with Daniel."

"Who looked after the ranch while you guys were gone?" I asked. One of my brothers always stayed at home during roundup to look after Guthrie, me and Ford, although most Adam had said Ford could go the next time. I didn't mind so much- it was dirty, smelly work but Guthrie and Ford always complained and said that it wasn't fair they couldn't go because Adam, Brian, Crane and even Daniel had been going since they were really little with my dad.

"Was mama good at rounding up the cows?" I asked. I tried to picture my mother, who I only knew from pictures, chasing cows on a horse. From the pictures I had of my mother, she looked pretty and delicate. I couldn't imagine her punching cows.

"Good? Mom was more than good; she completely showed dad up! He was sayin' how he wasn't ever gonna let her come again coz she put him to shame," Brian said.

"He was real proud of her though," Adam added.

"He was," Brian said. He launched into more detail about our mother's cowboy talents. Us younger kids listened, completely rapt. But then, at one point, I looked around the faces of my brothers lit by firelight and felt simultaneously happy and sad. Happy that I was enjoying a night with my whole family in warm house with full bellies, but sad when I thought of Gary Sykes and his family. He was out of prison and they were all reunited, but I doubted that they would be having an evening like this.

/

Crane left the next morning. He said he needed to get back early to get some of his work done as he had come home a couple of days earlier than Thanksgiving break. Once again, there were lots of tears and I wondered if Crane leaving us for college after being home for a vacation would ever be okay. Daniel of all people though, tried to lighten the mood by telling Crane he should bring his girlfriend home with him for Christmas to meet us. Crane just punched Daniel's shoulder lightly and insisted for the millionth time that they were just friends.

Once he had gone, I moped around a bit, turning down Guthrie's suggestion that the two of us go for a ride. I wasn't in the mood. Things looked up though when, towards lunchtime, Olivia's mom called our house and asked if I wanted to spend the afternoon at Olivia's.

"I think she's hopin' you might be able to persuade Olivia to come back to school," Adam said, on the way there. I knew he and Brian had a lot to get done that day, and so it was really nice of him to agree that I could go because it meant someone taking time out to drive me there and pick me up.

I looked at Adam in alarm.

"What do you mean? Isn't she coming back to school tomorrow?"

"Violet says that she's still very scared. They're havin' a hard time gettin' her to go anywhere."

"Oh…" I said, "Poor Olivia."

I was quiet for a moment, thinking about how Adam had been so insistent that I go to school the Monday after the shooting.

"Adam, is that why you made me go to school last Monday? Because you thought I might become too scared to go anywhere?" I asked.

"Yes, partly."

"Do you think Violet should make Olivia go to school tomorrow?"

Adam glanced at me and then back at the road.

"What Violet chooses to do with Olivia is none of my business. You're my business, and the family. No one else," Adam said, firmly.

/

I had a fun afternoon with Olivia at her house – well apart from the bombshell that Olivia dropped on me. Her mom had bought her a beautiful scrapbook and lots of colourful different bits of card and ribbons and cloth. The two of us scrapbooked for a little while and we colored in and then painted with Violet's watercolors. I decided to ask for some scrapbooking materials for Christmas.

Violet left us working in her art studio. While we were there, I asked Olivia outright if she was going to be in school the next day.

Olivia didn't look up at me from coloring when she said, "I don't think so. I told my mom I want to be home-schooled."

I dropped the purple pen I was using in surprise and horror.

"Home-school? But why? Olivia, you can't!"

Olivia paused in her coloring and looked up.

"I don't want to go to school ever again," she said simply.

"Because of the shooting last week?"

"Yea."

"But it's alright, Liv. Really- I went last week until the break. It's a bit hard at first, but then you get used to it and it becomes okay again."

Olivia looked up at me. "But what if someone comes in with a gun?"

"They won't!"

"They did in the restaurant."

"But that was like a one-time thing."

Olivia shook her head. "How do you know? I don't ever want to see someone get shot again. Ever, ever, ever."

"But what about me?" I asked, "I don't want to be at school if you're not there…"

Olivia gave me a small smile and then said quietly, "I'll miss you too, but you can always come over to play like you did today. You can come next Saturday!"

"I've got my stupid class," I said, remembering that I was to start the following Saturday. I suddenly felt like crying.

So while the rest of the afternoon was fun, Olivia's threat that she wasn't going to come back to school preyed on my mind.

/

It was before supper time that evening when I started to feel the major Sunday night doom. I've never been a big fan of Sunday night during school time- Brian says no one is. But I think I feel it more keenly than other people. I hate it, and I mean really hate it. I didn't want to go back to school the next day, plus Crane was gone again, plus my stupid class was starting on Saturday so I didn't even have the weekend to look forward to, plus I was still feeling weird and sad about seeing Gary Sykes. And now Olivia was saying she wasn't coming to school. She had also sort of scared me a bit by mentioning the possibility of another shooting.

I didn't eat much at supper and mostly pushed the food around my plate rather than eat it.

Brian noticed and asked me if I was feeling okay and I told him I was.

"Then eat your food instead of playin' with it," he said.

"You've given me too much," I whined, putting my elbow on the table and then resting one cheek on my palm.

"It's as much as you usually eat."

"But I don't like it," I said, feeling myself getting wound up and powerless to stop it.

"Since when don't you like lasagne?" Brian said. I could hear the note of irritation in his voice.

"Since now."

"You know the rules, Heidi," Adam said, getting involved. "If you don't eat what's in front of you, there's nothin' else and there's no dessert."

"Why are you getting involved?" I said, turning to Adam. Of course, everything in my head was telling me to stop, but I just felt so bad! It was almost like I wanted a fight.

Adam's eyes narrowed and across from me, I could see Ford looking at me like I had grown another head.

"Excuse me?"

"I was talking to Brian, not to you!"

"Heidi, stop," Brian said firmly just before Adam put his fork down and said calmly enough, but with a steely undertone to which I'd be wise to pay attention, "Alright, young lady; it's very clear that you can't be down here with us just now. I want you to straight up for a shower and then to bed."

That's when I felt all my feelings start to boil over. I hated, beyond anything, to be sent to bed early.

"No!" I said stubbornly, crossing my arms.

"Heidi, what you doing?" Guthrie said from his place across the table. I could see how alarmed he was looking by the turn of events.

"What do you mean, no?" Adam said. He looked both surprised and very angry.

"No! I don't want to go up to bed! You always try to make me go to bed early. I don't want to go."

"Heidi," Adam said, from his place at the head of the table next to me. I refused to look at him, but his voice was very very stern. One step away from his scary voice. "You've got a coupla choices right now and you better listen hard because I'm not goin' to repeat myself. You're to march yourself straight up to shower and then to bed this minute, or you can spend some time over my knee, right here in front of everyone, and then you'll still be goin' to bed. Now, which is it to be?"

Of course, I didn't want either option, but I was most alarmed at Adam's threat to spank me in front of everyone. That never ever happened, with any of us. I couldn't imagine Adam actually doing it, but he didn't make empty threats, so I quickly got up.

"Fine! I'll go!" I said, stomping out the kitchen and then running all the way to my room. Even though I knew it was completely against my brothers' rules, I slammed the door extra hard. I was just so mad! Or sad, or frustrated- everything was mixed up in a jumble in the pit of my stomach.

I sat down on my bed, my heart pounding hard in my chest. I didn't care what punishment Adam gave me, I thought to myself but I wasn't going to school tomorrow. And that was final!


	44. Follow through

Even though Adam had told me to go for a shower, I sat, seething, on my bed for a while. But, predictably, it didn't take long for my bravado to wear off and then I started to feel afraid. My anger, like it always does, dissipated into loud tears. Adam had warned me time and time again about my outbursts of temper and if I was honest, he had shown me patience and leniency when dealing with me in times before. I just knew he wouldn't show any of that patience and leniency this time. He might have if I had gone quietly upstairs and did what I was told but slamming the door as hard as I had, had most definitely cinched it. Adam absolutely hates door slamming. But then, he didn't understand! Everything was so messed up and I felt so bad inside!

I just wanted to hide from the world. Grabbing Rocket, I slipped under my bed. There's wasn't a huge amount of space, but enough that I could fit into the space, especially being as skinny as I was at 8. It was dark under there, and a bit dusty, plus I found a couple of socks I hadn't even missed, but there was something reassuring about being cocooned. I knew I should go for a shower so as not to defy Adam even further, but I figured I was already in so much trouble that it would hardly make a difference. Plus, I felt so torn up inside, that I just couldn't face it.

I didn't wear a watch when I was younger and I wasn't so adept at guessing the passage of time, so I'm not sure how long I lay there, crying, under my bed, but presently, I heard the sound of bootsteps on the landing outside my room and then the door opening. I knew it was Adam immediately.

He stepped into my room and then closed the door behind him quietly. There was a moment of silence- well apart from the sound of me sobbing under the bed- and then Adam came and sat on Guthrie's bed so he was facing me- or his boots were anyway.

"Heidi, come out from under the bed please," he said, his voice loud enough to be heard over my sobs.

But I didn't want to come out because that meant he could get his hands on me.

"I don't want to come out because you're really mad at me," I sobbed, although because I was crying so hard, I think it took Adam a couple of moments to understand what I was saying.

"Well hidin' under the bed isn't gonna help your cause any," he said. He still sounded really mad.

"Promise you won't spank me!"

"I'm not bargainin' with you, Heidi. You were very rude and defiant downstairs and that's somethin' we'll be dealin' with, but right now I just want you to come out so we can talk."

I just continued to cry hysterically.

Then I saw Adam's feet move and a second later, he was kneeling on the floor on all fours, looking at me under the bed.

"Come on, kiddo," he said, his voice softer now. "I know you, and I know that you get like this when somethin's botherin' you, so come on out here and get a hug and we can deal with this, hmm?"

He held out his hand to me.

"Take my hand and I'll pull you out."

I really didn't want to leave the safe haven of under the bed, but since Adam wasn't yelling at me, or threatening me with imminent punishment, and because I really did want a hug, I gave him my hand. Adam pulled me and Rocket out from under the bed, gently, and then stood up, standing me up with him.

"You're covered in dust," he said looking down at me while I cried. I didn't have any tissues and was using my sleeve to wipe my nose and eyes. He pulled me to him and hugged me, putting his arms around me. I clung to him, sobbing into his middle. Then, after a few moments, he pulled away. He took Rocket from me and put him on my bed, and then took my hand and led me towards the bathroom.

In the living room below, I could hear my brothers laughing and messing around, but the noise soon faded when Adam shut the bathroom door.

He took my toothbrush out the cabinet and spread some toothpaste on the bristles.

"Brush your teeth," he said, handing the toothbrush to me.

Having to brush my teeth meant that I couldn't cry so hard and so it helped to stay my flow of tears some.

Once I had done it, Adam took my toothbrush from me and put it back. He pulled out a flannel from the cupboard where the towels are kept and wet it under the tap with warm water. Then he gently cupped my chin with one hand and used the flannel to wipe my face with the other.

"Get in the shower; I'm goin' to get your pyjamas."

While Adam was out the bathroom, I undressed and then got in the shower, pulling over the shower curtain. I was still crying, but not so hard now; the tasks were distracting me and once I got in the shower, the warm water cascading over me helped me to calm me further.

I heard the bathroom door open and shut again and then I heard Adam say over the sound of the shower, "Your pyjamas are here. Want me to stay, or leave?"

"Stayyy," I said through hitched breaths.

When I got out the shower, I got into my pyjamas and then Adam led me into his room. Once again, the armchair in the corner of the room was full of clothes and other things my brothers had dumped on it. Adam grabbed all the things and unceremoniously dumped them on the floor. Then he sat down in the chair, and pulled me onto one of his knees.

"Alright, miss. What's the matter?"

But I didn't know where to start.

"Evverrrythiinggg," I said; as I said it, I started to sob again, hard.

Adam sighed.

"Can you be more specific, Heidi?"

But I buried my face into Adam's shirt and cried harder.

"Are you sad about what happened at Sykes's house yesterday?"

"Yeessss, and Crane's gone now and my class is starting and I won't get to see Olivia ever again and someone's going to come to school and shoot me!" I wailed, except that because I was crying so hard, my words sounded like one long high-pitched wail.

Adam took my arm and pulled me away from his chest gently.

"I'm sorry, Heidi, but I can't understand you. Take some deep breaths."

He mimicked how I should breathe, with long slow breaths and I tried to copy him. When I was a tad calmer, he said, "Alright, what did you say, just then?"

I repeated myself, almost verbatim.

Adam frowned.

"What do you mean you won't get to see Olivia again and someone's goin' to come and shoot you at school?"

I took a hitched breath. "Olivia says she's not gonna come back to school and she wants her mom to home school her and she said someone can come to school with a gun. And I won't get to see her ever again because I've got my class on Saturday."

Adam pulled me to him again and said, "No one is goin' to come to school with a gun, Heidi."

"How do you knowwwww?"

"Because it's highly unlikely is why. I know that the shootin' must have been so frightenin' for you, but these things don't happen often and we can't live our lives in fear."

"But I don't want to go to school without Olivia," I said. Even the thought of it was devastating to me. I had become so completely attached to her.

"Olivia will be back, eventually," Adam said.

I looked up at him. "How do you know?"

In the absence of tissues, Adam grabbed one of the T-shirts that was closest to the chair and wiped my face with it. Then he said, "Olivia's goin' through somethin' right now. But I'm confident that Harry and Violet will get her the help she needs and she'll come back to school."

I felt a glimmer of hope. "Promise?"

Adam stroked my hair back. "No, honey, I can't promise because I'm not Olivia's parent. We can only hope. But in the meantime, if she invites you, you can go over there after school one day, or at the weekends. Your class is only Saturday mornings, remember. Why don't you see if she'll come over on Saturday afternoon after your class. She can even stay the night if she feels up to it, and it might help her to feel more comfortable out of the house. Would you like that?"

I nodded. Olivia hadn't stayed here before, and the thought of a sleepover sounded fun. If Olivia would leave her house, that was.

"School is for learnin' honey. You just focus on your doin' your work, and remember you've got Guthrie there too."

I nodded again. Adam's calm rationality was soothing, and I was starting to feel calmer.

"And yesterday at Sykes's house was sad. I'm sad about it too. And I'm sad about Crane. It's alright to feel sad. It will pass though, when you get back into your routine next week and you get busy again."

"But what if it doesn't?" I said.

"Well if it doesn't, then you can come right up and say, "Adam, I'm sad, and we'll snuggle for a bit. A hug always helps everyone to feel better."

"Okay," I said.

My crying had subsided to the point where I was just hiccupping now. Still I felt anxious.

"Are you going to spank me?" I asked

Adam paused for a moment and then said, "How many times have I warned you about your outbursts, Heidi?" The tone of his voice had edged back to stern.

"Some," I said. "But I can't help it!"

And I really felt that way. I didn't want to be rude and defiant. It just… happened!

"Well you're goin' to need to find a way to control yourself. You were very rude downstairs tonight and then refusin' to go upstairs and then slammin' your door as hard as you did. It's unacceptable, Heidi."

I just looked at him, sadly.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"You're always sorry afterwards, but I want these outbursts to stop."

"I don't want a spanking," I said.

Adam looked at me sympathetically. "I know; that's why it's an effective punishment. Believe me, I don't like doin' it. It's the worst part of being a parent to you. To all of you."

I buried my face into his shirt again.

"Come on, kiddo," he said in my ear. "Let's get this over with."

I really didn't want him to because I hate spankings. I mean no kid in the land likes a spanking, but I especially hate them. They're embarassing, and they hurt. And actually, Adam doesn't spank that often. Knowing I had pushed him to it, made me feel even worse.

Adam gently pulled me away from his chest, and then he manoevered me quickly so I was face down over his lap.

He didn't waste any time before he started to rain down hard, stinging swats on my behind. It didn't last so long, but it was long enough in my opinion. By the time he stopped, my wails had reached full volume again, possibly even louder and more hysterical than before, and my backside was burning. I wished I could sit on a bucket of ice.

Adam kept me face down over his knees for a few minutes after he finished, while he rubbed slow circles on my back. And then he lifted me again so I was face up on his lap. He opened his legs a bit, so that my behind could rest in between them and wouldn't have to touch anything. He hugged me to him and sushed me softly.

"It's all over now, Heidi. Hush now."

"Do you still love me?" I wailed into his chest.

I knew he did. I just wanted to hear him say it.

His arms closed around me more tightly and then he said into my hair, "You know I do. I love you always. No matter what you do."

/

I fell asleep in Adam's lap after more shushing, but awoke momentarily to register that I was being tucked into Brian's bed. I wasn't quite asleep- I was still cognisant but in that space where you couldn't open your eyes for a million bucks because it's like you're in another world- when the door opened and closed again and then I heard Brian say, most likely because he saw me in his bed, "Guess I'm bunkin' in with Daniel tonight."

"Yea… do you mind?"

"Course not."

"I spanked her."

"I know. I'm sure the whole county heard her carryin' on," Brian said, dryly.

Adam sighed heavily. "I feel bad, but I had to follow through with my previous threats."

I heard Brian slap Adam on the back and say, "It's alright, brother. She'll live. She alright apart from that?"

"Yea," Adam said, filling Brian in on everything I had told him. "She's just so… _dramatic_ and emotional. About everythin'. And the older she gets, the worse it becomes too," Adam said.

"Daniel's emotional too," Brian pointed out.

"Yea, but not in the way Heidi is. It's times like this when I wish mom was here. I know we're no real substitute for mom and dad for the boys, but for her… I feel like she needs somethin' we can't give her."

"Well sure," Brian said, "She needs a mother. All the kids do. Hell, you and me do too! But that's out of the question so…"

"Yea…"

"I think we do an okay job. All things considered. But maybe we should call one of mom's friends for advice on raisin' girls. They've always said that we can call anytime. Someone like Sissy- she's had all girls."

"Hmm," said Adam, "It's a thought."

 **Thank you for all the reviews for the past couple of chapters!**


	45. The journal

It ended up being a tough week overall. But, to be positive, it was punctuated by moments of brightness.

I wasn't tired when I awoke on the Monday morning- I had had a lot of sleep because it was still in the evening when Adam had spanked me and then put me to bed. But when I awoke and remembered that Olivia wasn't going to be at school that day, I felt emotional all over again. And the other thing I was feeling was embarrassment. I knew, from overhearing Brian the night before when I was falling asleep, and also because it was just common sense, that everyone had heard Adam spank me the previous evening. It's not often that we hear each other's punishments: that's why they're normally given in the barn- to afford us a degree of privacy.

Still, I have to admit that my brothers were good about not teasing me about it the following morning at breakfast or on the way to the bus stop to catch the bus for school. Daniel caught me as were getting up from breakfast and asked me quietly if I was alright and I told him I was. If I was honest, there was only a slight sting in my butt, and that was only if I really concentrated on it. Still, I so desperately didn't want to go to school that day. It was unusual for me because I love learning, but at that point, school for me had become about Olivia, and it didn't seem attractive to me without her. But as Adam had put me firmly in my place the evening before, I knew I just had to get on with it.

Both Adam and Brian chose to ignore my moroseness that morning, but they were both extra kind and loving to me before school. Brian told me he had packed all my favorite things into my lunch bag, and Adam gave me a hug before school just before I walked out the door. He's always extra nice to us after he's had to spank one of us. Especially when we were younger.

"It'll all be okay, today. You'll see," he said, smiling at me comfortingly.

I looked up at him, sadly, silently pleading with him with my eyes, but he just kissed me on the top of my head and sent me on my way.

At school, Mrs Whitby gave me fourth grade work again, which I dutifully did. I stayed inside during morning recess, reading my book in the reading corner, but at lunch time, I was persuaded to come outside by Guthrie and play soccer with some of the other kids. It had been a while since I'd played with them- not since the end of the last school year because when Olivia joined the school, we started hanging out, just the two of us. I also enjoyed my lunch: I don't know when he did it, but Brian had baked my favorite cookies- oatmeal and raisin and put a couple in my lunch bag along with a note that said he hoped I had a good day. I knew he was trying to make me feel better.

At the end of the day, when we walked up our long driveway from school, and got closer to the house, we could hear that Daniel had started up practice with his band again, in the barn. They were making a racket and I was still grumpy. Guthrie asked me if I wanted to grab the fishing poles and go down to the creek, but I wasn't in the mood. I just wanted to be on my own.

"Why you so moody these days?" he asked me, sort of accusingly.

"I'm not!"

"Yea you are! Just coz Olivia's not at school right now. I'm still there you know. Or aren't I good enough?"

I just looked at him. On the tip of my tongue were words that would hurt his feelings, and I didn't want to do that. I knew Guthrie was jealous of my relationship with Olivia as it was.

"You're good enough," I said quietly and then tried to smile at him.

"Then prove it and come fishing with me!"

So, I did, mainly to keep Guthrie happy. We didn't catch anything- we rarely did. I was starting to realise as well that I didn't like fishing that much. It seemed sort of… pointless. When the sun started to move across the sky, we made a guess that it was around supper time and headed home.

Conversation at the supper table resolved around the fall street dance that was happening in the middle of Murphys on Friday evening. It was like a big party, sort of, with country music and dancing and food stalls. Brian was going, along with Daniel, Evan and Ford. Daniel even had a date: a girl from school called Francesca Holt.

"That Bob Holt's girl?" Brian asked him.

Daniel shrugged. "I dunno… she didn't say who her daddy was."

"Can me and Heidi go too, Adam? Please?" Guthrie asked.

"I don't see why not," Adam said but then he looked at me and said, "But not too late for you, okay? Your class starts on Saturday morning, remember."

How could I forget? Yet another thing the stupid class was threatening to ruin. Still, Adam was saying that I could still go, so it wasn't all bad. And maybe he would be having such a good time that he would forget about having to come home early. It was unlikely, but a girl could dream.

I had to wash the dishes after supper with Ford because it was my turn and that meant I started my homework a little later. Added to the fact that now that I was doing fourth grade work, it took me a little longer, meaning that I was the last one at the table ploughing through my work: math.

I was almost done when Adam wandered back into the kitchen and sat across the table from me.

"How's the homework going?" he asked, gesturing to it.

I paused working out one of the problems.

"Okay…"

"You're doing alright with the new work?"

"Yea. I have to think a bit more now, but it's okay still."

"That's good."

I went back to my math problem. Truth be told, I kind of wished Adam would leave me along so I could just get my homework finished.

"I thought you'd want to know that I spoke to Violet today. About Olivia."

Well now I was interested in what he had to say!

"Is she coming back to school?" I asked, hopefully.

Adam smiled at me regretfully.

"I don't know yet, Heidi. I think Violet and Harry would really like to get her there, but I guess it's going to take a bit of time."

"Oh…"

"But we did talk about this Saturday. Violet's going to try to get Olivia here on Saturday afternoon for a sleepover, and if that's too much for her- well- you'll just go there. So, either way you'll get to see her."

That made me feel happy- a bright spot in a dark day.

"Thanks, Adam," I said. "Thanks for calling Violet and asking Olivia over."

I really did think it was nice of Adam to have done that for me. He had mentioned it the evening before, but to have remembered that it was important to me made me feel really badly about how I had treated him the previous evening, even if I had been punished for it.

"I'm really sorry about being mean to you last night," I said, in a small voice.

"You're forgiven, baby. "You've been punished for it, and it's over now," Adam said. "But that reminds me, tomorrow I'm going to pick you up from school and we're going to run a special errand together, ok?"

Now my curiosity was piqued.

"What kind of errand? Is Guthrie coming?"

"Nope, it's just you and me."

"But what is it?"

"You'll find out tomorrow, Heidi. Patience is a virtue you know."

I had heard the pastor say something to that effect at church, but I didn't really understand what it meant and I told Adam so.

"It means that being able to wait for something without feeling frustrated or impatient is a very valuable skill," Adam said.

"I'm not very good at being patient," I admitted.

Adam laughed and then said teasingly, "Oh really? I hadn't noticed."

I laughed too.

He pointed to my homework.

"You still got a lot of problems left?"

"A few," I said, and then looked up at him through my eyelashes. "But a cup of hot chocolate would make me work faster I think."

Adam gave me a knowing look. "Aha. Is that so?"

I nodded fervently. "Uh huh, and I think extra whipped cream and marshmallows would make me work even quicker."

"I see," said Adam, laughing and shaking his head. "Then we'd better make you some."

/

Guthrie appeared to know that Adam was picking me up from school the next day because when school was finished, he just called goodbye to me and ran off to catch the bus home. I waited, just outside of the school gates for Adam to arrive- he had told me he might be late and just to wait, but it ended up only being a few minutes before I saw the jeep.

After I had hopped in and Adam has asked me his customary 'how was your day?' question, I started quizzing him where he was taking me as we drove along. I had been thinking about it all day. I thought maybe it was for ice cream or a treat like that, but there was no reason he would only take me and not Guthrie. Then I wondered if it was something horrible, like going to the dentist, which I really hate. But Adam wouldn't have called that a 'special errand'; he would have just expected me to buck up and deal with it.

"I'm taking you to Paper-mate," Adam said, eventually, after I had run out of guesses.

"Paper-mate? How come?" I asked him, confused. Paper-mate was a beautiful stationery store in Angel's Camp. I had never had anything from there before because it was expensive, but I had often stood outside the window admiring the displays.

"Because I want you to pick a notebook. One that you really like."

"Okay…I already have notebooks though," I said, thinking of the ones I had in my room I used for school. I couldn't see where Adam was going with this.

"I know, but this one is special. It's going to be your journal. Do you know what a journal is?"

"Sort of…" I said, thinking. I had heard the word before and read it, most probably in a book, but I didn't know exactly what it was.

"A journal is like a diary. It's a book where you can write down all your thoughts and feelings. Or you can just write down what happened that day. You can write anything you like," Adam said, glancing at me.

We were arriving onto the main street at Angel's Camp and Adam pulled into a car parking space at the side of the road. He turned off the engine and looked at me.

"It's a way for you to get out your frustrations, Heidi and not keeping them all bottled up. So that you can control your emotions a bit better rather than exploding and getting yourself into trouble."

I knew he was referring to my outburst the day before.

"Would I have to show you what I've written?"

"No, not at all. A journal is a completely private thing. Of course, you can show me what you've written any time you want, but no one will ever read it without your permission. I'll speak to the boys and make sure they know that. How does that sound?"

I thought about it. The idea was intriguing to me; it was sort of exciting. It could be like my own secret world. And I could write down what I was thinking or feeling and not hurt anyone's feelings because they wouldn't be able to read it.

"That sounds good."

Adam smiled at me and nodded in the direction of the shop.

"C'mon then, let's go."

It took me a while to choose a journal that I wanted. There was so much choice: big ones and smaller ones and ones with pretty patterns on the front. Adam waited patiently for me to choose. In the end, I decided on one which was A5 sized and had a pattern of butterflies on the cover. It even came with a little golden padlock and a small golden key. I took it to Adam.

"Can I have this one please?"

"That one's your favorite?"

I nodded and Adam took it from me and took it up to the cashier to pay.

She asked me if I wanted her to wrap it up for me- it was that kind of shop, but I told her no thank you. I wanted to use it straight away. I couldn't wait!


	46. The dance

I wrote in my new journal the minute I got home and all week too. I poured my heart out in the pages of that book, telling it everything I was thinking and feeling. Sometimes I wrote poetry too- nothing to write home about, although to my eight-year-old self they were works of art. Sometimes I drew pictures. I wrote about my life and how I felt about Olivia's continued absence at school and what good things had happened in my week and what things I found frustrating. It really did help me process my thoughts; anything, no matter the size, that I found difficult to swallow seemed more bearable at the thought that I could tell my journal. Guthrie had seen me write it in a few times that week and had asked me curiously about it. But after I had explained, he appeared to lose interest. I knew anyway that Adam had told him that it was completely private and impressed upon him the importance of respecting another person's privacy and property. Still, I hid it under my mattress and was meticulous, to the point of being paranoid, at not taking it out or putting it back in front of anybody.

I missed Olivia that week at school, but somehow the week passed. I looked forward to the fall street dance happening on Friday evening; I don't know why they called it the 'fall' street dance, being that it was closer to winter. Sometimes, if the weather was bad, they would hold it in the town hall, but if the weather was okay, like it had been recently- fresh and cool, the organisers preferred to hold it outside. I knew my brothers were looking forward to it too. All of us liked events like that in town, and all of us enjoyed dancing, especially Daniel and Evan who are still to this day the best dancers in the family.

When we came home from school on the Friday, Adam told us to get our chores done pronto so we would have enough time to eat and get ready for the dance.

"You're coming home early, remember, because of your class tomorrow," he reminded me, which I thought was wholly unnecessary. But I told him okay- I didn't want anything to jeopardise my evening with Olivia the next night.

We ate an early supper but no dessert because there would be food stalls at the dance selling all sorts of delicious things as well as alcoholic and non-alcoholic spiced apple cider which I loved. It reminded me that Christmas was approaching. Adam said we'd have to see how much it all cost though.

After supper, we got ready for the dance. I put on a fresh pair of jeans and an orange top that I loved. I brushed out my hair and then tried to braid it, like I had seen Olivia's mom do to Olivia's hair, but I wasn't good at it, mainly because my hair wasn't long enough. Stray bits kept coming loose, so I settled for pulling it back into a short ponytail and then using the pretty hair clips that Olivia's mom had bought for us to pin back the front.

When I got downstairs, I saw that my brothers had all made an effort with their appearance too. Adam and Brian were wearing smarter shirts than usual and their more formal cowboy boots- the ones they wore for special occasions rather than day to day on the ranch. It looked like Ford, Daniel and Evan had all used gel in their hair- Daniel's hair was so long now that he could pull it back into a ponytail if he wanted to. I wondered when he would relent and agree to get it cut. Only Guthrie hadn't bothered to wash up; he was sitting on the couch still wearing the clothes in which he had gone to school and his face looked a bit grubby. When Adam saw him, he sent Guthrie upstairs to wash up and told him to at least put on a new shirt.

"I don't know which one to choose," Guthrie said, in a whiny tone. That was surprising- Guthrie didn't whine much; that was my department.

Adam studied Guthrie for a second and then said, "you feelin' okay partner?"

Guthrie nodded.

"Go and put on your blue shirt," Adam said.

"I don't know where it is; why do I have to change?"

Adam ignored Guthrie's question. "It's hangin' in your closet."

"C'mon buddy, I'll come upstairs with you and help you find it," Brian said hastily. He put a hand on Guthrie's shoulder and steered him towards the stairs. I caught Adam giving him a grateful look.

Adam turned to me and smiled. "You look nice, honey."

He touched one of the clips in my hair and then frowned slightly.

"Where'd these come from?"

"Violet bought them for me and Olivia the day of the shooting. She gave them to me when she brought Olivia to school that day she refused to get out the car.

"Oh… well, that was generous of her," Adam said. He touched one of the bows on the clip again lightly. "You really like all this girlie stuff, huh?"

"I love it," I said simply.

I couldn't be sure, but I thought Adam looked a little sad then though I couldn't have told you why.

/

We took both our vehicles to the dance as someone would be bringing me back early. We parked in a giant makeshift carpark in a field just outside Murphys and then followed the throngs of people towards the dance. The dancing itself was on Main Street which they had closed off to cars. On one side of Main Street, there were the promised food and drink stalls run by people from the area and on the other was the band playing the music for the dancing and the caller, calling out the steps. The atmosphere was buzzing.

As soon as we got to the main area, Evan and Daniel spirited away to get straight into the dancing. Daniel even had a date for the dance- a girl from school- but it didn't matter so much when dancing because with line dancing, the sort of dancing popular around our area, everyone dances with everyone- young and old. It seemed like the entire community was out: families with young children, babies even, teenagers, young men like Adam and Brian and young women and older people too.

"Can me and Heidi go off and explore on our own," Guthrie asked Adam, tugging on his shirt and looking up at him.

Adam hesitated. "Well… I don't-"

"I think they'll be alright around here, bud," Brian said.

"They're only 8, Brian," Adam said.

Brian chuckled. "So? You and me got up to plenty at these things at their age."

"That's what I'm worried about," Adam said dryly.

"What did you get up to?" I asked eagerly.

"Never mind," Adam said.

"I'll go with them. Keep an eye on them," Ford said. He hadn't disappeared like Evan and Daniel- he was shyer and found dancing more difficult.

"Alright then," said Adam, "But don't leave Main Street."

We said he wouldn't and then ran off, happy to have some freedom to enjoy ourselves without being under the watchful gaze of our big brothers.

/

The three of us walked the length of Main Street a couple of times, just enjoying watching what was going on. We saw loads of kids from school there with their families, and we even saw a couple of teachers! We also spotted Evan and Daniel right in the midst of the dancing. Evan was even twirling a girl around who looked a fair bit older than him. He had a huge grin on his face, and he looked so happy and alive. We call out to him and hooted. When he looked up and saw us, he gave us a wave and a wink and then did some extra complicated dance moves, showing off his talent which led those around him to cheer him on.

After we did that, we went and eyed all the dessert stands longingly. There was one that was selling something called crepes with something called 'Nutella' which I'd never seen or heard of. It was a chocolaty, nutty spread that melted into the crepe and then sugar was sprinkled liberally on top. I was practically salivating at the sight of it, but the three of us didn't have any money on us, so we had to settle for standing nearby and savouring the smell.

While we were standing there, Guthrie called out to us, "Hey, look! It's Michael!" and then he ran right up to Michael, a kid from school who had been to our ranch to play once, who was approaching the crepe stand with his mother and a very tall and broad man, whom I assumed was his father. Ford and I followed him, catching up to him.

Rather than look happy to see us though, both Michael and his mom gave us a strained smile. I may only have been little, but I've always been able to read people and situations. I could tell that neither of them were thrilled to have run into us. Guthrie though, barrelled right on, saying hi to Michael and his mother and then holding up a hand in a little wave and saying to the man, "Are you Michael's dad?"

The man looked at Guthrie suspiciously but then said "Yea. I'm Michael's daddy, Mr Ikerson."

He nudged Michael on the shoulder, not hard or anything, but Michael looked frightened and then so did his mom.

"What you been tellin' people about me, son?"

"Nothing, dad. I ain't said nothing."

Mr Ikerson smiled then, but although I could tell that it was meant to disarm us, put us at ease, I felt the hair on my arms stand up, like a cat. I instantly didn't like this man.

"Who are these two, then?" he said, gesturing to me and Ford who were standing a little bit behind Guthrie.

Guthrie turned around to glance briefly at us and then said, "My brother, Ford and sister, Heidi."

"What's your name, son?" Mr Ikerson said.

"Guthrie McFadden."

"McFadden… why do I know that name?"

"We're ranchers," Guthrie said, proudly.

"Ranchers, eh? Maybe that's where I know you from."

"Our ranch is just north of here."

"That so? Well Guthrie McFadden from the ranch just north from here with his brother and sister, I was just about to get my family one of them here crepes. You want one?"

"Robert, it's alright, I don't really want one; I-" Michael's mom began before Mr Ikerson looked at her so fiercely that she immediately shut up.

"I'd like one!" Guthrie said, brightly.

I wondered how he could be so dense to the situation at that moment; all I wanted was to get away and I knew Ford felt the same because he had moved in front of me ever so slightly as if to protect me.

"Guth, we'd better try to find Adam," Ford said.

"What's the hurry? Let's enjoy a crepe here," Mr Ikerson said.

"No thanks; I'm not hungry," I said, and suddenly it was true.

Mr Ikerson ignored me though and then he charged ahead, and I heard him order 6 Nutella crepes, one for each of us.

"I don't like him," I whispered to Ford.

"Me either, but we'll be polite and then find the guys."

It didn't take long for the crepes to be ready. In the meantime, Guthrie chattered on to Michael. I spent the time trying to study Michael's mom in a way that wouldn't look like I was staring at her or being rude. She was a slight woman with mousy brown hair that hung lankly by her head. I supposed she would look pretty, if she didn't have an eternally haunted look in her eye.

When the crepes were ready, Mr Ikerson handed each of one. The three of us thanked him politely. It did taste delicious, but I couldn't really enjoy it that much- I almost wished that we didn't have one and could get away.

The others seemed to enjoy theirs though, apart from Michael's mom who tore tiny pieces of hers and then put each piece in her mouth one by one, chewing slowly.

Mr Ikerson fixed her with a stare. "What's the matter, Nancy? Don't you like it?"

She smiled. "Oh, it's nice. I guess I'm not all that hungry," Mrs Ikerson said.

"I bought it for you. Spent money on it and everythin'," Mr Ikerson said. He said it while smiling, but I could see something behind his eyes. Something I couldn't quite place.

"I know, Harry, I'm going to finish it."

But it seemed like with each bite of the crepe, Mrs Ikerson found it more and more difficult to eat. I didn't get it. Why couldn't she just say she didn't want to eat it? Wasn't that the best part of being a grownup- doing what you wanted and eating what you wanted when you wanted?

The rest of us finished our crepes quickly and I shifted from one foot to the next, hoping that the three of us could soon make our escape. Mrs Ikerson chewed and chewed, but she was having real trouble finishing the crepe. She kept smiling at us all, except that after a while, the smiles turned to grimaces.

I knew I should have kept my mouth shut and I actually meant to help when I said curiously, "If you're not hungry, why don't you save it for later, or give it to someone else?"

Michael's mom opened her mouth to say something to me but before she could, Mr Ikerson said, peering down at me, "It's polite to finish food when someone's bought it for you."

It seemed like he had grown taller and wider in the space of a few short seconds.

"But what if you're not hungry? Or you don't like it?" I asked. I really didn't mean to be rude; it was just that I was just not understanding what was happening.

"It's still rude," Mr Ikerson snapped. I shrank back then, almost hiding behind Ford.

"Hey kids, what you up to?" a voice said behind us. I looked round to see Brian standing there, a bottle of pop in his hand. I felt like I'd never been so happy to see him.

"Hi Bri," Guthrie said.

"And you are?" Mr Ikerson said. His chest seemed to puff out suddenly, like a peacock.

Brian surveyed us all for a split second and then he said cooly, "Brian McFadden. I'm the kids' here big brother."

"That so?" Mr Ikerson said, "Well, I'm glad you're here because the little gal here is fixin' to be mighty disrespectful."

I gasped in spite of myself- this was so unfair! I didn't think I'd been rude at all!

"That's not true!" I cried, turning to face Brian. I felt like I was going to cry and I could feel my cheeks growing hot. "I only asked why Mrs Ikerson had to finish her crepe if she's a grownup and she doesn't feel like it!"

"It's my family, my rules," Mr Ikerson said. "The little lady's got no place questionin' me."

"Harry, she didn't-" began Mrs Ikerson.

"Hush woman!" Mr Ikerson barked and immediately she looked at the floor. Michael did too; his face was flaming red.

"I'm sure Heidi didn't mean to be rude," Brian said. He took my arm and pulled me behind him. "She's just a kid. Kids ask questions." His voice was even enough, but I knew Brian and I could see his temper was getting riled. He was probably only holding it back because we were there.

"If she was my little gal, I'd teach her what's what," said Mr Ikerson. He glanced at me and I instinctively edged further behind Brian.

Brian's eyes narrowed, "She's not your little girl; she's mine and I'll thank you to keep your opinions to yourself."

Urgh! I did not like the way this was going.

"Is that so?" Mr Ikerson said.

A slow smile spread out across Brian's face; I'd seen that smile before.

"Yea," Brian said. "You got a problem with that?"

He put down his pop bottle and took a step closer to Mr Ikerson, quickly pulling Guthrie and Ford behind him to join me.

We watched, as for a moment it looked like Brian and Mr Ikerson were going to have it out. I know my brothers don't mind it so much when Brian fights; some of them even find it entertaining, but I absolutely hate it. It makes me anxious and I definitely did not want to be the cause of one of his brawls.

"Bri, please can we go now and find Adam," I said, desperately, on the verge of tears.

Brian must have heard the wobble in my voice because he glanced around. When he saw me standing there, almost in tears, he must have had a change of heart because he turned back around to Mr Ikerson and said, "You're lucky. See you at a different time, different place."

"Yea yea," Mr Ikerson scoffed.

Brian turned quickly, picking his pop bottle back up and ushered the three of us away from the crepe stand further down Main Street. When we had walked enough paces away from where we had been standing with Michael and his parents, Brian stopped and studied the three of us.

"What happened before I came?" he asked.

All of us started babbling at once, determined to be the one to fill Brian in on preceding events.

"One at a time," Brian cut in. "Ford you go first."

Ford quickly gave Brian a rundown of what had happened. When he got to the part about me asking questions I interjected.

"I wasn't trying to be rude, Bri, I promise."

Brian pinched my chin lightly. "I know you weren't. I'm sure glad I showed up when I did though."

"Me too," Ford said.

"Bri, why is Mr Ikerson all like that?" Guthrie asked.

"Like what?"

"All weird like that."

"I don't know, Guth. But best to stay out their way tonight, alright?"

Guthrie nodded.

"No more long faces," Brian said, "We're meant to be enjoyin' ourselves. Let's go dance!"


	47. The class comes around

I danced until I was giddy. Brian whisked me off as his partner for a couple of dances and then he handed me off to Daniel who danced with me for a couple before handing me on to the next brother and so on. It was so much fun and I soon forgot the incident with Mr Ikerson from earlier in the evening.

I was standing on the side taking a break from dancing and just enjoying watching when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned my head to see Adam standing behind me. He smiled at me regretfully.

"It's 8.00; time for us to go," he said.

"Aww, but I'm having so much fun!" I protested, forgetting my earlier promise to refrain from whining about having to go home early.

"I know you are, but I did warn you that you would need to leave early because of your class tomorrow. And I've already given you an hour longer than I'd originally planned."

"I haven't even had any apple cider yet!"

"We'll get some to go."

I put my hands together in a prayer like position and gave Adam my best puppy dog expression even though he was never swayed by it.

"Please please can we stay a little longer? Just another 30 minutes. Until 8.30."

"No, Heidi." Adam said. His voice was quiet but firm, and he was looking at me intently. Sternly even.

I knew when I was beaten.

"Okay," I sighed. "But can we still get apple cider?"

"Come on, then."

I followed Adam to the apple cider stall, and he bought me a glass that came in a plastic cup. It was too hot to drink so I cupped it between my hands, savouring the vinegary, pungent smell that I so loved. Then we went to tell Brian that we were going home. He was sitting on some benches nearby, also taking a break from dancing with Ford sitting next to him. Adam told him he was taking me home and asked Ford if he wanted to come home with us or stay at the dance for longer. Predictably, he wanted to stay. He hadn't danced much despite Brian trying to encourage him, but he seemed to be enjoying himself.

"Where's Guth?" Adam asked.

Brian pointed to the crowd where Guthrie was mid dance with Harriet Thompson, a girl in fourth grade from school. She was quite a bit taller than Guthrie already, but it didn't matter- the two of them were having a good old time.

Adam smiled. "Okay. See you guys later."

But then, surprisingly, Brian offered to leave with me so that Adam could stay.

"I've had enough anyway," he said.

Adam looked surprised. "Are you sure? I don't mind takin' her home."

"Or we could all just stay…" I said.

They both ignored me.

"Nah, I'm happy to go," Brian said. He got up from the bench and slapped Adam on the back. "Stay and enjoy yourself."

He put a hand on my back. "C'mon monkey."

Adam gave Brian the keys to the jeep and vice versa and then the two of us walked away from Main Street towards the makeshift car park. Brian walked slowly so that I could keep up with him. I sipped at my cider along the way.

Once we were on the road, in the jeep, Brian asked me if I'd had a good time dancing.

"Uh huh, it was really fun. It made me forget about Mr Ikerson. That man is so mean, Bri, I don't like him at all!"

Brian kept driving but didn't say anything.

"And I don't get why Mrs Ikerson made herself eat the crepe if she didn't want to," I continued to muse.

Brian glanced at me quickly.

"He's really got you all riled up, huh?"

"I just don't understand. Why is he like that? And why didn't Mrs Ikerson just stop eating?"

"Well…" Brian began. It seemed like he was choosing his words carefully. "Sometimes things between married people are … complicated. It's not right or anythin'."

He paused and then said, "I think you're a bit young to understand."

"Understand what?" I said.

"Uh.. the thing is, that not every family is like ours."

"You mean without a mom and dad?"

"No. That's not… I mean not everyone in this world is a good person, Heidi."

"Oh…" I said, thinking. I still didn't really get what Brian meant though.

"I feel bad for Michael. He seemed scared of his dad. That's devastating."

I thought I saw a small smile on Brian's lips.

"Devastating? That a new word you learnt?"

"Yep."

"I guess it's devastating in a way. My advice to you is to just forget about it now. It's over. You won't need to see Mr Ikerson again any time soon. And when you see Michael in school, you and Guthrie be extra kind and friendly to him, alright?"

"Okay."

/

When we got home, Brian immediately told me to take a shower and brush my teeth. Normally that's a good wind down for me as I find the hot water soothing and it prepares me for bed. But that evening, I was still wired after I came out the bathroom. I met Brian on the stairs as he was coming up and I was coming down.

"What are you doing?" he asked, "It's bedtime. I was comin' to read to you."

"I'm not tired at all," I said.

"Getting in bed will help make you tired."

He manoeuvred me so that he could lead me back up the stairs towards my bedroom.

"I'm hungry," I said desperately. "Really hungry. My stomach's grumbling and I won't be able to sleep with it like that."

Brian stopped on the landing outside my room and eyed me suspiciously.

"I doubt that."

I looked up at him in what I hoped looked like a sincere way.

"I am! Can I have a bowl of cereal?"

Brian huffed. "Quickly then, hurry up."

So the two of us went down to the kitchen and I ate a bowl of cereal- oatmeal as Brian wouldn't let me eat Lucky Charms, my favourite, before bed. I wasn't particularly hungry, nor was I full, so it went down alright.

The moment I finished my last spoonful Brian whisked the bowl out from under me.

"Upstairs. Brush your teeth again- hustle."

"I'm thirsty though!" I protested. "Can I have a hot chocolate?"

"Your stallin' is gettin' on my last nerve, Heidi Mae," Brian said. His face told me the same story. "I'll bring you up some water. Go on up- that's the last time I'll tell you."

I sighed heavily but obeyed. Brian had used my middle name– he meant business.

I went to brush my teeth again and then settled in bed. Brian read to me, but afterwards when he moved to turn off my night light, I still felt unsettled. Emotional even.

"Can I please write in my journal? For just 20 minutes?" I asked him tentatively, unsure whether he would see my request as just another way to avoid sleeping and think I was being deliberately ornery.

Brian pursed his lips like he does sometimes when he's thinking.

"I'm comin' back in 10 minutes and then it's lights out. No arguments," he said.

"Okay, thanks," I said.

Once he left my room, I retrieved my journal from under my mattress and wrote about my evening and what had happened with Michael and his parents. I think Brian gave me longer than 10 minutes because I wrote quite a lot and by the time he came back upstairs, I was feeling calmer and ready to sleep. I loved my new journal so much!

/

I had major anxiety when I woke up the next morning and realised that it was the morning of my dreaded class. I had built it up in my head to be this monstrous, terrifying thing that I just needed to get through. My tummy was tied up in knots at breakfast and I couldn't eat much.

"I feel sick; I don't think I can go to the class this morning," I announced to Adam at my place at the table.

"Hmm," said Adam, not really reacting to me and then asking Evan to pass the salt down the table.

"Adam!" I persisted. "Did you hear me? I don't think I can go this morning."

"You're not sick, you're just nervous because it's something new. But when you get there, it'll pass and you'll be fine," he said, not unkindly.

"No, I'm _sick_."

I put a hand to my forehead. "I'm feeling really hot."

"Huh. Well if you're sure, Heidi…" Adam said, shrugging his shoulders.

I was momentarily silenced, taken aback and looked at him suspiciously.

"What?"

"If you're sick, then you should definitely stay at home. Of course, you'll need to spend all day in bed to make sure you get better quicker, and we'll have to call Olivia and tell her you're too sick for her to come over here this afternoon."

Adam looked at Brian. "What do you think, Bri?"

Brian nodded gravely. "I agree. We wouldn't want her to come over here and catch anything."

"Busted," Evan said, almost under his breath.

"Oh…" I said, thinking quickly. Contrary to my young age, I was savvy enough to understand what they were doing. Threatening me in a sort of passive away with the loss of privileges, or what was important to me. I was silent for a good while after that, while the boisterous morning conversation at the table buzzed around me. I weighed up what was more important to me: skipping the class or having Olivia come over.

As breakfast was finishing and my brothers were taking their plates to the sink, I called Adam's name as he was getting up from the table.

He looked at me expectantly. "Mmm?"

"I feel better now, so I think I can go to the class."

"Alright, go get your things ready."

"Can Olivia still come over this afternoon?"

Adam smiled at me softly. "Yes, Heidi."

/

We arrived at the high school in Sonora where the classes were being held a little early. I was quiet and brooding on the ride over there, imagining how terrible the class was going to be. Adam didn't try to talk to me; he just put some music on the radio and let me be. He came in with me and helped me find the classroom in which the class was taking place. No one else was there yet when we entered the room. There was a man there though, dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt, moving tables and chairs into groups and humming to himself. He looked to be a bit older than Adam and was in good shape. He reminded me of Olivia's dad, who I had a sort of innocent, childish crush on.

The man turned around when we entered the room and smiled widely at us.

"Hello," he said.

I was standing in front of Adam as we entered and he gently pushed me forward by putting a hand in the middle of my back and said, "Hi, this is the enrichment class for grade school aged kids, right?"

The man smiled so widely, I felt like his face would split open. He was like a Cheshire cat.

"It certainly is!"

The man directed his focus to me.

"You must be Heidi McFadden, right? I have on my list that you're starting with us today."

I nodded, shyly.

"I'm Mr Fox." The man gestured with one arm to the classroom as though to show it off. "Welcome!"

Mr Fox redirected his gaze to Adam.

"Are you Heidi's father?"

"Her brother," Adam said.

Mr Fox held out his hand to Adam. "Ah right. Well, nice to meet you."

Adam shook Mr Fox's hand and then cleared his throat a little.

"Heidi's a little nervous about comin' here."

Mr Fox waved his hand in a dismissive manner.

"Oh, all the kids feel that way when they first come. They're mad or moody they have to give up their Saturday morning."

Adam nudged me slightly playfully. "See, Heidi? You're not the only one."

I conceded a small smile.

"But once they get here," Mr Fox continued, "And they take part in our activities, they love it. We focus on active activities; you won't find any sitting at tables doing worksheets here. Every week we have a different focus. Last week was Art; this week is Science. Do you like Science, Heidi?"

"Yes," I said. I enjoyed all subjects at school. English, Art, History and Math were my favorites but I also found Science interesting.

"We're going to be doing a bunch of different experiments today," Mr Fox told me.

"That sounds fun, doesn't it, Heidi?" Adam said.

"Uh huh."

We were distracted by the door opening and three kids walking into the room. There were two boys who looked identical save for the different colour T-shirts they were wearing, and a girl with hair as white blonde as Ford's. All of them looked older than me, though probably by not much.

Mr Fox held up his hand in an exaggeratedly jovial manner. "Hey Felicity, Joel, Jack, come meet our latest recruit, Heidi!"

The other kids and I said hi to each other and then Joel asked Mr Fox if he could set up the equipment, whatever that was. Jack and Felicity moved to help Mr Fox too.

Adam motioned that I should come to the door of the classroom. He smiled at me encouragingly.

"See? It doesn't seem so bad, does it?"

"No… I guess not," I said, although I was determined to hold out on my verdict until the end of the class.

"Just do your best and I'll pick you up at lunchtime, alright?"

"Okay."

"Good girl."

 **Hope everyone has a beautiful weekend. As always, thanks to continued readers and reviewers.**


	48. Mission Olivia

As much as I was loath to admit it, I had a great time at the class. Mr Fox had Joel, Jack and Felicity set up different workstations around the room with different science experiments and then in small groups, we spent the morning moving round the stations. I was the youngest one in the class, but everyone was kind and welcoming to me. Felicity ended up being in my group along with a boy called Peter who was in 5th grade and another boy called Gerald who was in 4th. Together, we had to make hypotheses about what we thought would happen with each experiment and why, and then afterwards we had to evaluate our hypotheses. But we did it verbally and there was very little sitting and absolutely no writing. Some of my favourites were making our own compasses with magnets to understand the Earth's magnetic field and experimenting with different liquids on feathers, which were supposed to symbolise a bird, to see the impact of oil spills on wildlife. We also got to create our own homemade thermometers. After it all, Mr Fox gave us all a piece of paper with some experiments we could try out at home ourselves if we wanted and then report back the following week. He said it was optional though, not homework.

When I ran out to the car park after the class, I was in a buoyant mood. I saw our truck immediately with Brian sitting behind the wheel.

"Hey!" I greeted him as I climbed in the other side.

"Hey, kiddo- you look happy; am I to take it that the class wasn't as bad as you thought it would be?" he asked me one eyebrow raised mock seriously.

"No, it was fun," I said bashfully.

"Wow, not even just okay. Fun?"

"Uh huh!" I said, launching into a full-on report of the morning's events. I waved the optional 'homework' sheet in front of Brian's face. "And Mr Fox gave us a list of experiments we can try at home. One of them is making crystals- I'm definitely going to do it!"

Brian smiled at my enthusiasm.

"I'm happy you enjoyed it. After all the hoo-ha you made about this class, you know what you should learn from this mornin'?"

"Huh?" I said, confused.

"You should learn that Adam and Brian- no forget that, let's just go with just Brian- Brian is _always_ right. Repeat after me: Brian is _always_ right."

"Brian is _sometimes_ right," I said, giggling.

"No, no, you must have misheard me- Brian is _always_ right."

"Brian is _occasionally_ right," I said, still giggling, enjoying bantering with him.

We went back and forward a couple more times and then Brian said, "I'll get it out of you eventually."

He started up the motor and we pulled out the parking lot on to the road.

"Adam said he would pick me up, so how come you're here?" I asked him.

"Somethin' came up on the ranch and Adam got tied up. "You know where we're goin' now?"

"Where?"

"To Olivia's."

"Really?!"

"Yep."

"But what if she doesn't want to leave the house?" I asked, suddenly subdued.

"Well… if that happens then you can stay there for the afternoon. But hopefully we get can get her to come over."

"Poor Olivia," I said. "She's really scared. When Violet brought her to school that one time, she started screaming her head off in the car and then Violet let her go home. What would you do if I screamed like that?"

Brian glanced at me and then back at the road.

"I think you know darn well what I'd do, don't you?"

"Yea," I admitted. I couldn't ever remember a time that I had acted that way in public. Maybe when I was baby or a toddler, but not in recent years.

"I think if we work together, we can get her out the house to the ranch, don't you?"

Brian's confidence was inspiring.

"Yes!"

/

Violet, Olivia's mom, opened the door when we arrived at her house and rang the bell. She asked us to come into the kitchen where Olivia was sitting at the kitchen table with her dad. It suddenly occurred to me that this was supposed to be the weekend that Olivia and her family were going to San Francisco and had invited me along with them. Thinking over it, I guessed that their plans had changed after the shooting and Olivia's fear to leave the house had arisen.

On the chair next to Olivia was an overnight bag which I assumed was all the things she would need to stay over. But her eyes were red, and she looked weepy. She gave me a watery smile as we came in.

"Olivia's all packed and ready to go, but she's feeling apprehensive," Violent told us by way of explanation.

"That's understandable," Brian said. His voice was gentle, gentler than he'd use with me, but I guess he figured that Olivia may not be as used to his gruffness as I sometimes was. He stood behind me and put his hands on my shoulders, squeezing them. "But I promise that there's nothin' to be scared of. Heidi here'll take care of you and all of us will make sure nothin' happens to you."

"But… you have guns at your house, right?" Olivia asked, a few tears spilling over. She wiped them away with the tissue she was holding.

"We do because we live on a ranch and sometimes we need them," said Brian, "But none of the kids are allowed to touch them without my or Adam's permission. In fact, we don't let any of the kids near them until they're 12 and then we train them on how to use them."

"I've never held one," I added, for good measure, which was true. I'd never had the interest either.

"But what if Guthrie or Ford or whoever gets it out for a joke and then it goes off?"

"They wouldn't!" I protested. I wasn't sure if I should be offended or not. Brian, still behind me though, squeezed my shoulders again and I understood that he was trying to rein me in.

"The guns are in a locked cabinet and only Adam and I have the key. But even if they weren't, all the kids know without a doubt that they're off limits. Don't you, Heidi?"

I nodded. "Adam and Brian would _explode_ if we even looked at them!" I said dramatically which made Olivia and her parents laugh even though I didn't mean it to be funny. It was the truth!

"You see, honey?" Harry, Olivia's father said to her, "There's nothing to be scared of."

"And if you come over we can hang out with the animals," I said, knowing how much Olivia enjoyed the animals on the ranch.

I could tell that Olivia was coming round just by looking at her and I think Violet could tell it too because she said quickly, "You don't even have to decide if you want to stay over tonight; you could just go for the afternoon and take your bag, and then if you decide in the evening you want to come home, daddy or I will come and get you."

She looked at Brian and I.

"That's okay with you, right?"

"Of course," Brian said, and I nodded. I did want Olivia to stay for a sleepover, but I'd settle for her coming to play for the afternoon over nothing at all.

"Please come, Liv, we'll have fun," I said softly.

I could see that Olivia was really wrestling with herself. She wanted to come- I was sure of it. It seemed like Harry and Violet were holding their breath, waiting for Olivia to make her decision. Even though Brian was being very, well- un-Brianish at that moment, I still wondered what he was thinking.

"Okay," Olivia said finally. Harry and Violet let out a huge sigh of relief and it seemed like Violet was weepy as well now. I also let out the breath I didn't know I'd be holding.

"I'm so proud of you, honey," Harry said, kissing Olivia on the head.

Brian cleared his throat.

"That's great Olivia; how's about we get goin' hmm?"

"Good idea," Violet said shooting Brian a grateful look.

And, very soon after that, Olivia, Brian and I were all in the truck headed back to the ranch.

/

Brian told jokes and funny stories all the way back to the ranch to distract Olivia which soon had us both giggling and Adam, Evan, Ford and Guthrie, who were around and came to greet us when we arrived home, made a fuss of her as well. I was surprised at Guthrie because he's always been a bit jealous of my and Olivia's friendship, but he's also a really nice person and he knew that it was a big deal for her to be out of the house.

"Where's Daniel?" Brian asked Adam as we all walked into the house.

"In the barn. With his band," Adam said dryly. "Apparently they've got their first 'gig' next week."

"It's so cool that Daniel's in a band," Olivia said to me. "Can we go watch them rehearse again?"

"I guess," I said, though I wasn't so sure. Daniel didn't really like us to watch him practise.

Then Adam asked me how the morning had been and I told him I'd enjoyed it.

"Only you would _enjoy_ school on a Saturday," Evan said, rolling his eyes.

I stuck my tongue out at him and I'm sure Adam and Brian saw me but chose to ignore it. They probably agreed with me that he deserved it. I got the piece of paper with the home experiments that Mr Fox had given us and waved it in front of Adam.

"We got this sheet with experiments on it. I want to try the crystal one, but it needs," I said, reading the paper now, "it needs Borax. Do we have any?"

Adam made a face. "Borax? What's that?"

"I dunno. It just says it on the piece of paper, see?" I said, handing the piece of paper to Adam.

"You don't need Borax. You can make em' with Epsom salts," Evan said.

All of us McFaddens in the vicinity who were listening to the conversation stared at Evan in shock.

"What?" he said defensively. "I do know some stuff, alright?"

"You know all the weird stuff," Ford said.

Evan shrugged.

"We'll talk about it later. Go play with Olivia until lunch," Adam said.

We left Olivia's overnight bag in a spot next to the front door and then, rather than going to watch Daniel rehearse, we went out to see Splotch and Polly. Guthrie came too. After that, Guthrie and I took Olivia to see the goats, which she just loved, especially when we fed them.

"Here, hold your hand out like this," I said, holding my palm out flat and letting the goats inhale up the food.

She squealed and giggled as Jet, our pushiest goat but by no means the biggest, butted the others out the way to get to the food offering first.

"That's Jet. She's kind of a bully," Guthrie told Olivia at the same time as I scolded Jet.

"You need to learn to share," I told her.

"Jet would eat her own and everyone else's food if we let her," I told Olivia. "She eats everything, even paper."

"Really?" Olivia said.

"One time she even ate Ford's homework!" Guthrie said. "Adam had to write him a note so that his teacher believed him."

"That's so funny! Will she let me cuddle her?" Olivia asked.

"Probably not, but Mabel will let you," I said pointing to the oldest of our goats who had delivered four litters of kids in her lifetime. She was getting on in years now and we let her enjoy her days now rather than breed her.

I caught Mabel up and, as predicted, she let us stroke and cuddle with her. Olivia liked Splotch and Polly, but she seemed to _really_ like Mabel and was reluctant to leave her to come back inside when Brian whistled for us all from the front door for lunch.

"We can come back later if you want," I said.

Over lunch, which was later than we normally ate, my brothers discussed their jobs for the afternoon. Brian was going to take care of the ranch and Adam said he was going to go and chop firewood and that he needed to take Evan and Ford with him since Daniel was busy practicing with his band. Guthrie said he wanted to go too. Chopping and selling firewood was something my brothers did in the winter to bring in extra money and some years, closer to Christmas time, they would also cut down fir or pine trees and sell them as Christmas trees. I didn't know much about it, but I had heard my brothers talking one time – something about it bringing in a good amount of income which was welcome at this time of year. I was used to it, but the whole idea fascinated Olivia and she asked all sorts of questions. Then, towards the end of lunch, she asked if we could go for a ride on the horses in the afternoon.

"Don't you want to see the goats again?" I asked.

"I do! But can't we do both?"

"Sure."

"Wait a minute," Adam said, "Olivia, do you know how to ride?"

"Uh… I've been on one here, once when Evan took me round the paddock," Olivia said.

"Uh huh, well one time isn't enough for you guys to go out on a ride alone."

"She can ride with me, on my horse," I suggested.

"No, you guys are too little to ride double when one of you doesn't know how to ride," Brian said.

I swallowed my irritation that Brian was butting in, just like Adam had the night I had lost my temper with them. You'd think I'd be used to it, but I found it really annoying and still do.

"Can one of you guys come with us then?" I asked.

"Unfortunately not," Adam said, "We're all busy this afternoon. We can tack up one of the horses, probably Duke, and you can lead Olivia on a ride around the paddock."

"But I want to go for a real ride!" Olivia said, the whine in her voice easy to discern.

Now, if that had been me, my brothers would have told me immediately to cut the whining or warned me to behave, but now, Adam just smiled at Olivia. Smiled!

"I know you do, he said, "but it's not safe. We want to deliver you back to your mom and dad in one piece, don't we?"

Olivia nodded, albeit reluctantly although she still protested.

"Nothing will happen though."

"I'll tell you what," Brian said, "Next time you come over here, maybe one day after school this week or next week, one of us will teach you how to control the horse and then you'll be fit to ride."

"I want to go today though!"

I looked at Olivia, a little surprised. I wouldn't dare to ever argue back with anyone else's parents.

I really did think that Adam was going to say something about her arguing, but again he didn't.

"I know, sweetie," he said, "but unfortunately you can't."

Olivia looked like she wanted to argue further, but she didn't. She stared at both Adam and Brian for a few seconds longer than it would normally take to reply, but then she said okay.

I felt put out a bit though. It's not that I wanted my brothers to tell Olivia off or anything- that would be embarrassing! But it seemed like it was one rule for her and another for me.


	49. A day in the life

After lunch, Adam left with Evan, Ford and Guthrie in the truck to chop firewood and Brian tacked up Crane's horse, Duke, for me and Olivia. He told us where he was going to be for the rest of the afternoon; it wasn't far and then warned us again that we were restricted to me leading Olivia around on Duke in the paddock. He directed it to us both, but when his eyes met mine, I knew it was really meant for me.

I led Olivia around the paddock a few times, holding on to Duke's reins and then I told her how she could use her legs and reins to control Duke herself. I let go of the reins and she managed to lead him around the corral on her own without my help.

"This is so much fun!" she exclaimed, halting Duke from her second round trip on her own, "I think I've got the hang of it now, so we can go on our ride."

I looked up at her, confused, "What do you mean?"

"I know how to control the horse now, so we can go for a ride," she said again.

I shook my head emphatically. "No way, Liv; Adam and Brian said no- didn't you hear them?"

"But that's because they thought I don't know how to horse ride, and I do now," she said, and I could tell that she genuinely meant it.

"Riding Duke around a paddock isn't the same as taking him on a proper ride," I pointed out.

"But you'll be on the front controlling him, and I'll be holding onto you."

I shook my head again, slightly incredulous at her reasoning "It doesn't matter; I can't disobey Adam and Brian like that. They'll be really mad if they find out."

"They won't find out!" Olivia said. In her voice, I heard the same wheedling tone that she had used with my brothers over lunchtime. "We'll just take him out for a short ride. Please, Heidi! I really want to."

I'll admit, I did consider it for a couple of moments. It was unlikely that my brothers would find out: Adam was gone for the afternoon and Brian was busy. But I came to my senses quickly. Direct disobedience is one of the things my brothers hate the most, still to this day, and I literally shivered a little thinking of how much trouble I'd be in if we were to be found out.

"No, we can't, I'll get into too much trouble," I said.

Olivia looked down at me curiously. "You mean like get grounded or something?"

"Yea…" I said. I had no desire to share with her what other forms of correction my brothers opted for sometimes. She wouldn't find out until we were 9 and shoplifted together from the general store, along with a couple of other kids from our class.

"I've never been grounded," Olivia said, not boastfully or anything, more matter of fact like.

"I know… you told me."

Olivia didn't really get punished. Ever.

"What's it like?"

"What? Being grounded?"

"Yea."

It was kind of a weird question in my opinion, but Olivia looked genuinely interested.

"Uh… well it's boring because I can't go anywhere off the ranch, and I have extra chores and I'm not allowed to watch TV or use the phone and I have to go to bed early."

Olivia's eyes widened. "All of those things?"

I nodded.

"But that's like 4 punishments all rolled into one!"

I shrugged. I hadn't really thought about it that way- that's the way it had always been as long as I could remember. For all of us, although the early bedtime thing fell away when we got older- I couldn't remember Evan or Daniel having to go to bed early when they were grounded.

"I don't get it," she said, musingly, "Adam and Brian seem so nice."

"They are nice!" I protested, reading the inference between her words and feeling defensive. "They just really don't like to be disobeyed."

Olivia climbed off Duke then and picked up his reins handing them to me.

"I don't want you to get grounded, Heidi, so we shouldn't go. Let's go watch Daniel practice with his band instead!"

I readily agreed, relieved that Olivia had backed down and I wouldn't need to fight her on it more. We turned Duke out to the pasture with the other horses, but left him tacked up as we couldn't untack him alone. I knew that Brian or another one of my brothers would come along later and take care of him.

/

We did go over to the barn and watch Daniel and his band practice for a while, but it turned out to be not so interesting or fun because while they tolerated us, they also didn't pay us much attention. We went back and hung around with the goats for a while, and then towards the late afternoon, Olivia suggested that we do some baking.

"I don't know how to bake," I said. I'd helped Brian before, but I'd never done it myself.

Olivia waved her hand dismissively, "It's easy, I help my mom all the time. Do you have baking stuff?"

"I think so…" I said slowly. "We could check the cupboards."

The two of us headed inside to check the contents of the refrigerator and the cupboards for ingredients. I led the way and was chattering to Olivia as I went into the kitchen and pulled open the refrigerator, but when I asked her how many eggs she thought we'd need, there was no answer. When I turned around, she wasn't there.

"Liv?" I called.

She came wandering into the kitchen holding a photo frame. I recognised it as one that normally sat on top of the piano that held a photo of my parents with their arms around each other. Adam had told me it had been taken a couple of years before Guthrie and me were born.

"What's up?" I asked.

She pointed at the picture.

"Is this your mom and dad?"

I walked over to look at the picture, just to check it was the one I thought it was.

"Yea, that's them."

Olivia looked down at the picture and then up at me again.

"Brian looks just like your dad," she said.

"I know. People say I look like him too."

"Yea," Olivia said, looking down at the photo again.

"Do you remember anything about them?" she asked curiously.

"Not really. Guthrie and I were so little when they died."

"How old?"

"Just after we turned two."

Olivia looked up from the photo once more and looked at me directly. I thought she looked sad.

"Do you ever think about them?"

"Sometimes," I said, "And we talk about them a lot. Or my brothers do because they have memories of them."

"I can't imagine not knowing one of my parents," Olivia said. Her voice seemed to wobble and her eyes were shiny.

I shrugged, feeling a bit uncomfortable.

"I guess I'm used to it," I said, and then because I wanted out of the conversation, I asked Olivia exactly what we would need to do baking.

We decided to make chocolate chip cookies because we had the ingredients for it, according to Olivia. I let her take charge- she seemed to know what she was doing. The sticking point came when it was time to turn the oven on.

"Do you know how your oven works?" Olivia asked me.

I went over to look at the dials and icons.

"Don't you just turn these?" I said, pointing to them.

"My mom says there's different settings though."

"Oh. What one d'you use for cookies?"

"I don't know," Olivia admitted, "My mom usually does that part."

We looked at the dials and icons for a couple of minutes before deciding to turn the first dial to the first setting on the left and the temperature dial to 400F which Olivia said confidently was the best baking temperature.

Once we'd put the cookies in the oven to bake, I looked disdainfully at the mess we'd made. I don't know how we'd managed it, but we'd used about 7 different bowls, along with the scales, a measuring jug and countless spoons. There were streaks of cookie dough and flour and sugar and melted chocolate all over the table and floor.

"I guess we'd better start cleaning up," Olivia said.

I looked at the clock on the kitchen wall. It was still only around 4pm; we had, I decided, time before the others came home. I made the decision that we could do some coloring first.

"We can clean up after the cookies are ready," I said.

We went upstairs to my bedroom and got out my coloring pens and the paper. We settled on the floor on our stomachs, drawing and talking, neither of us paying attention to the time.

We were giggling over a story Olivia was telling me about her older sister, when I heard my name being called from downstairs. I sat up on my knees.

"I think someone's calling you," Olivia said.

My name was called again, this time more insistently, commandingly even.

"It sounds like Brian," I said.

Olivia sat up on her knees as well and sniffed the air.

"Can you smell smoke?"

My eyes widened as I remembered.

"The cookies!"

We raced downstairs and into the kitchen. The air was hazy with thick smoke and, for some reason, the kitchen looked even more of a disaster than it had when we'd left it earlier. To top it all off, Brian was standing next to the oven, wearing the floral oven mitt holding the tray of black, charred cookies.

"Uh, hi Bri," I managed.

He didn't answer but shot me a 'are you kidding,' kind of look as he placed the tray of cookies on top of the oven and then moved to open all the windows in the kitchen along with the back door to let out the smoke.

"Is he mad? He seems mad," Olivia whispered to me.

"Yea… he's mad," I whispered back, shifting nervously. My only hope was that Olivia was here with me which would maybe tamper Brian's temper.

Once he'd opened the windows, Brian turned back to us, hands on his hips. He still had the floral oven mitt on, which in other circumstances would have looked comical. I gave him a nervous smile.

"You've been baking," he said, gesturing to the mess around him. His brow was furrowed like it gets when he's mad, but at least he wasn't yelling.

"We tried to make cookies," I said, "but we lost track of time…"

"Evidently," Brian said. He tried to cross his arms, but the mitt made it difficult. He pulled it off and put it on the counter and crossed his arms again.

When he spoke again, it was directly to me.

"Are you allowed to use the oven on your own, without supervision, Heidi Mae?"

"Um…" I said thinking. I'd never been expressly told I couldn't, yet the way that Brian had phrased the question suggested I wasn't.

"I'm not sure," I stammered. "You've never said not to."

Brian looked slightly taken aback.

"It goes without sayin', Heidi."

"Oh…"

"It was my fault," Olivia said quickly, "I told Heidi I knew how to bake on my own because I help my mom a lot."

"Your mom lets you use the oven unattended?" Brian asked, one eyebrow raised.

"Not exactly… she's around, and she usually turns on the oven," Olivia admitted.

"Right," Brian said. "You know why? Because using the oven is dangerous unless you know to use it properly. You girls turned on the grill and then shut the door, which added to the smoke. This is an old oven, Heidi, you've got to be careful."

"I'm sorry… I didn't know," I said.

I looked up at Brian, pitifully. I felt bad. And scared; I hadn't intentionally tried to disobey, and I didn't want him to think I did.

Brian gave me a long, hard look for a moment and then he looked upwards, towards the heavens and shook his head, in an exasperated way.

"Sometimes, Heidi, I don't know whether to hug you or kill you."

"I'd prefer to be hugged," I said. Brian shot me a look as if to say his previous statement had been rhetorical.

He gestured to the catastrophe around him. "Clean up this mess," he said.

He took the tray of burnt cookies and put them in the bin. And then, unexpectantly he helped us in the clean up.

We were almost done; I was wiping down the table with a cloth and Olivia was drying the last bowl when Brian said gruffly, "You still want to go on that ride?"

Olivia's face lit up.

"On the horses?" she asked.

"Mmhmm."

"Yes please!"

"Finish up here and then come on down the corral."

As he passed by me towards the back door, he said my name and when I stopped what I was doing to look at him, he took my chin in his hand so I had to look at him.

"No more usin' the oven without permission. Consider yourself warned; if it happens again, I won't be so lenient. D'you hear me?"

"Yes, Bri."


	50. Like a mom

When Olivia and I made it to down to the corral after finishing the last bit of cleaning up, Brian was waiting for us there with Duke and his own horse, Quincey. I rode on Duke on my own and Olivia rode on Quincey with Brian. Brian warned Olivia to hold on to him tightly and when she promised she would, he made her squeal with glee by racing ahead on their horse meaning that I had to give chase to catch them up. Because he was with us, he took us further out to the east than Guthrie and me would be allowed to go on our own, so it was also a treat for me. We arrived back at the house just as Adam and the others arrived home in the truck which was now piled high with firewood.

When we dismounted, Olivia and I made to disappear off towards the house, but Brian called us back.

"No so fast little misses," he said, gesturing to Duke and Quincey, "You can help me take care of these two."

"But the saddles are too heavy for us to take off!" I protested.

"I'll do all that, and then you can teach Olivia how to groom a horse after use."

I resisted sighing since Brian had been really kind to take time out of his day to take us for a ride.

I led Olivia to the shed to get all the necessary grooming equipment.

"Work on a ranch," I told her dramatically, "is _never_ done."

/

Things were good until a little after supper when Olivia's mood changed very suddenly, and she became tearful. She had been fine at supper, talking and laughing with the rest of us and listening to Daniel, whose bandmates had finally left, talk about his rehearsals that afternoon and his upcoming concert. It was dark outside now, so we went upstairs to finish the coloring we'd been doing when we'd been interrupted by Brian calling us down about the burnt cookies earlier.

While we were coloring, Olivia became quiet and then she said she had to go to the toilet. When she came back, her eyes were a little red and she was holding some toilet paper in her hand which she seemed to be using as a tissue. She flopped down on the side of my bed and I looked at her in concern.

"Are you alright?" I asked her.

Olivia sighed. "I don't like night time."

"Why not?"

Olivia shrugged. A few tears spilled over down her cheeks and she wiped them away with her tissue.

I went to sit next to her on the bed and put my arm around her.

"I especially don't like night time since the shooting," she said. "I know the guy can't hurt us, but night always makes me think about what happened. Don't you ever think about it?"

"Not really…" I said, "I mean I do sometimes… but not a lot."

"You're lucky," Olivia said and took a shuddery breath. More tears fell from her eyes. "I want my mom and dad."

I felt out of my depth; I didn't know how to help her, or how to make her feel better, and I definitely didn't want her to go home.

"Can I go and get Adam or Brian?" I asked her, "They always know how to make someone feel better."

Olivia didn't answer me.

"Can I Liv?"

Olivia nodded.

I quickly hopped up off the bed and ran downstairs. Evan and Daniel were engaged in an arm-wrestling competition in the living room- best of three- with Ford as the adjudicator and Guthrie watching on. Their arms were locked together on the coffee table and both were straining and grimacing against the other.

"Guys, where's Adam or Brian," I asked the group in general when I reached the bottom of the stairs.

Nobody answered me and when I asked again, more forcefully this time, Ford waved a hand in my direction as though he were batting me away.

"They're somewhere," he said, unhelpfully, "Go look."

I went through to the kitchen; neither of them were there, but I did find them in the mudroom. Brian was taking a pile of washing out the machine and transferring it into the dryer and Adam was sitting atop one of the counters polishing his boots and talking to Brian.

"Guys!"

Both my oldest brothers looked my way when I called their name.

"What's the matter, Heidi?" Adam said.

"It's Olivia; she's crying. She says she doesn't like nighttime… I don't know what to do."

"I though somethin' like this might happen," Brian said, "I'll come upstairs with you, see if we can make her feel better."

"I can go," Adam offered.

"Nah, I've got this," Brian said. He gestured to the laundry. "Just finish this for me, will ya?"

"She seems really upset; I didn't know what to do," I said as Brian followed me past my other brothers, who were now on arm wrestle round two, up the stairs.

"She'll be alright," Brian said confidently.

Olivia was still sitting on the side of my bed when we got to my room. I could tell she was trying to supress her tears, but they kept spilling out and the toilet paper she had been using to wipe them away was now soggy.

I went back to sit next to Olivia on the bed. Brian came and crouched down in front of her, on the balls of his feet. He put a hand on either of her knees and then said gently, "Hey kiddo, Heidi tells me you're a bit upset."

Olivia nodded and took another shuddery breath.

"I want my mom and dad"

Brian squeezed one of Olivia's knees.

"We can go call your mom and dad for sure if that's what you want, but can you tell me what's wrong?"

Brian looked at me, "Heidi, go get Olivia some more tissue."

I went to the bathroom quickly to fetch some and when I got back, Olivia was telling Brian what she had told me about not liking night time and about how she felt worse at night about the shooting. I handed Olivia the new tissue and she wiped her nose.

Brian nodded, "I'm not surprised- what you and Heidi witnessed was very scary, even for adults and you were both very brave."

He looked at me and winked. I gave him a small smile.

"You know what I find to be really helpful when one of the kids here is feeling scared or sad?"

Olivia looked at Brian in interest.

"I find it best to keep them really busy. And I was just about to make Christmas cookies because it's never to early for Christmas cookies, right?"

When Olivia nodded, he said, "And I need a couple of helpers- you and Heidi want to help me?"

"Can I still call my mom and dad?"

"Of course," Brian said.

We used the phone in the upstairs hall and Olivia called home and spoke to her mom who'd picked up. She became really tearful again, but then Brian asked if he could speak to her mom and Olivia passed over the phone.

"Go downstairs and I'll be there in a coupla minutes," Brian told us, before he spoke to Violet.

We headed downstairs into the living room. Evan had won the arm-wrestling competition and was lording it over Daniel who had now swept everything off the coffee table and was goading Evan into another tournament. As Olivia doesn't have any brothers, she always finds the goings on around our house thrilling and fascinating and so this was the perfect distraction after speaking to her mom and her getting so upset.

Brian arrived downstairs not more than 5 minutes later.

"Ready to leave these clowns to it and go bake?"

Guthrie looked at us from his place on the couch.

"What you doing?"

"We're going to bake Christmas cookies with Brian," Olivia said.

"I want to help!" Guthrie said.

The four of us went into the kitchen to bake the cookies. Adam was there too, drinking coffee and he teased us three younger kids by constantly pinching bits of the cookie dough. Soon Olivia was laughing and completely engrossed in the activity, her earlier insecurities forgotten. Brian showed us which settings to use on the oven to bake cookies properly, but he reminded me again not to use the oven without permission.

"Until you're fully confident with it," he said.

"That's right, I heard about your little misadventure with the cookies early, young lady," Adam said, giving me a pointed look.

After the cookies had baked, Brian let us ice them, which was all of our favourite bit. Guthrie and I both love icing sugar so it was fun to lick the spoon. We were nearly done when Daniel, Evan and Ford came rounding through to the kitchen. Daniel held his hands up in the air in a victory pose.

"Behold the winner of the McFadden arm-wrestling competition."

"I won the first tournment," Evan said grumpily.

"But who won the whole tournament?" Daniel said. He pointed to himself with both hands, "Oh yea: it was me."

"You cheated," Evan said.

"You can't cheat in an arm wrestle, little brother, don't be a sore loser," Daniel said.

They started to bicker further, but then Adam got up and shoved a cookie into both of their mouths, to shut them up. He didn't do it harshly or anything, and it was pretty funny, because he stopped them mid flow. Us younger kids giggled.

"These are pretty good," Evan said when he had finished wolfing his down. He reached round me to take another one, which had yet to be iced, off the plate.

"I haven't iced it yet!" I protested.

"Who needs icing?" Evan said.

Ford, Evan and Daniel grabbed a couple of other cookies off the plate.

"Brian- tell them to wait so we can finish icing them!" I said.

"Wait so the babies can finish icing them," Brian said obediently.

"You'd better take a few and put them aside for you to eat," Adam told Olivia. "Round here, a plate of cookies doesn't last very long."

Olivia laughed, but then we did put a few aside on a plate and Adam told the others they belonged to Olivia and me and not to touch them.

"I can't make any promises," Ford said but when Olivia looked at him in alarm, he smiled at her to show he was kidding.

Daniel wanted to know then when we would be going to get our Christmas tree.

"We'll go when Crane comes home," Adam said.

"When's that?" I asked.

"End of next week, right Brian?" Adam said.

"Yea, I think that's what he said," Brian said.

"I can't wait! I love Christmas," Guthrie said.

I loved Christmas too, and this year it would be special too because Crane would be home with us. Not that he wasn't home the other years too, but it felt extra special because he would be home for a couple of weeks instead of for a long weekend or a few days.

After we cleaned up from making the cookies- the second clean up of the day- Olivia and I ate ours with a glass of milk. We hung around in the living room with everyone else for a while and then Adam told us- me, Olivia and Guthrie- that we needed to be heading up to bed. I looked at Olivia, feeling a bit nervous; she seemed fine now, but going to bed might bring up all her bad feelings again. Plus, at her house, we had stayed up until midnight when I had slept over, but I knew that Adam would never let us do that here.

Olivia didn't appear to mind though. We went upstairs obediently and got ready for bed. Brian read to the three of us in my and Guthrie's room, and then when it was time to settle down for the night, he took Guthrie off to sleep in Daniel's room so Olivia could sleep in his bed.

Although Brian turned off the lights when he left our room, Olivia and I continued to chat. She didn't bring up being upset earlier and I didn't mention it either. We faced each other, her cuddling her stuffed bear, Gordon, and me cuddling Rocket.

"You know," she said, "Brian's kind of like a mom."

"What?" I said.

"Adam's like a dad, and Brian's like a mom."

"You think so?" I asked. I had never really thought of Brian in that way.

"Yea, he does the things a mom would do- well I think he does anyway."

"I guess so," I said, thinking about it. Brian could be stern, gruff, short tempered, impatient. But he also did a lot of the things around the house- things I knew that mothers did, like cooking and making school lunches, and doing laundry- things like that. He could also be gentle and loving like he had been this evening. And he always kind, even behind the bluster. I had nothing to compare it to though. It was amusing to think about what Brian's reaction would be if we started calling him mom.

/

Olivia's dad picked her up the next morning. When he arrived at our front door, he greeted Olivia with a one-armed hug and then let her go.

"Did you have fun?" he asked her.

"Oh yes!" Olivia said enthusiastically, "we played with the animals and then made cookies and almost burnt the house down and then Brian took us for a ride on the horses and we then made more cookies and the boys ate them all in about 20 seconds!

Olivia's dad looked at her fondly. "Sounds like you girls have been busy!"

He turned to Brian and said, "Thanks a lot, Brian. Violet and I are really grateful- I think this has been exactly what Olivia needed."

He looked down at her and pulled her into another hug, holding her to his side this time.

"In case you hadn't noticed," he said with a wry smile, "Violet and I have got quite the little drama queen on our hands."

Brian smiled and then he put one hand on either of my shoulders and pulled me back gently against him. He squeezed my shoulders.

"No problem, happy to help; we've got our own resident drama queen, so we know what it's like."


	51. Leaving the note

If I thought that staying over at our house was going to somehow magically persuade Olivia to come back to school, I was wrong. She wasn't there again on the Monday at school, and I was deeply disappointed. I felt like crying all day, although I didn't, and when I came home, I spurned Guthrie's attempts at playing with me and disappeared off into our bedroom. It irritated him, but I didn't care. I didn't even feel like playing with Splotch or hanging out with Polly, which is always my go-to activity when I want to feel better. I decided to write in my journal and retrieved it from under my mattress. I wrote all about how sad I was without Olivia there and how frustrated I was that she just wouldn't come back to school. And then, because I read so much, and the characters in my books wrote poems sometimes when they were sad, I did that too.

After I'd finished, I still didn't feel better. That made me feel even more frustrated, because that's what the journal was for! I felt like I wanted to spar with someone and considered going to find Evan because he had a temper like me, and I could provoke him easily. But even that seemed like too much work. Then, as if a lightbulb had gone off in my head, I suddenly remembered the last time that I had felt this bad and thrown an epic tantrum, and Adam had spanked me. He had said that if I was feeling bad, I should come and tell him and we could snuggle for a while because that always made a person feel better. Still, I didn't want to ask him outright. I felt shy about it. Plus, he was never alone. I remembered that Adam had said that I could leave my journal with him if I wanted him to read anything, and I wanted him to read this, but this only. As carefully as I could, I ripped the pages I had just written out of my journal, poem included. I folded them up into quarters and then wrote Adam's name on the front of one of the pages. I surveyed it critically; it didn't say anything bad, but I really only wanted Adam reading it, so I added 'FOR YOUR EYES ONLY!' in big black letters. Then, I peeked out my bedroom door to see if anyone was around. The coast was clear. I quickly ran to Adam and Brian's room. It was a mess like it always was before Hannah came to live with us. After a moment of running through in my head where was the best place to leave it, I decided on Adam's pillow. I left it lying flat at first, but I wanted it to get his attention, so I adjusted it, so it was upright- like a card. Good, I thought, now all I had to do was wait. And control my temper in the meantime.

/

What is it they say- the best laid plans often go astray? I did my chores, and as I was heading on back inside, I saw Adam getting into the jeep and then roar off down our driveway. He held up a hand to say bye when he saw me. When I went inside, only Ford was around, doing homework at the kitchen table.

"Where did Adam go?" I demanded.

"To my parent's night at school," Ford said, without looking up.

"When's he going to be back?"

"I dunno."

"Ford! What time is the parent's night?"

Ford looked up then, looking irritated.

"I said I don't know, Heidi. He'll be home eventually. What's the big deal?"

I sighed, heavily.

"Nothing."

Ford bent his head again and resumed his work. It looked like he was writing a paper.

"Why you doing your homework now?" I asked him.

Ford didn't answer.

"Ford!"

Ford looked up again. This time he looked vastly irritated.

"What?"

"I asked why you're doing homework now."

"I've got a big paper due tomorrow and it's gonna take longer than homework hour," Ford said. "Don't you have something else to do other than bug me?"

Charming. I stuck my tongue out at him.

"You're being mean!"

"I am not being mean."

"You are too!"

"Brian, can you tell Heidi to stop bugging me when I'm doing my homework?" Ford said to Brian who had, at this very moment, walked into the kitchen via the backdoor entrance.

"I'm not bugging him, Brian, he's being really rude to me!"

Brian went to wash his hands at the sink, but he turned to look at me.

"Leave Ford be, Heidi, he's busy just now," he said. "Go and do your chores."

"I've done them."

"Then go and play until supper."

"Can I help you make it?" I asked. For some reason I didn't want to be on my own anymore.

Brian headed to the fridge and pulled it open. He began rummaging through the contents.

"Not tonight, baby, I've got to get things done quickly as there's still a lot to get done outside. Why don't you go and play with Guthrie, hmm?"

Unexpectantly, my eyes filled with tears. Brian telling me, albeit in a nice way, to get out of his hair made me feel rejected, and as a result, disproportionately sad. I didn't want to show Brian I was upset though, and he couldn't see me anyway because he was still pulling things out of the fridge.

"Okay," I said.

"Good girl."

I loped off back through to the living room. I was in a weird mood. I didn't want to be alone, yet I couldn't be bothered to go and find Guthrie. Plus, he'd probably be in a mood with me anyway for saying I didn't want to play immediately after we came home. I decided to head back upstairs to check the current status of the note/journal pages I had left for Adam. When I went into his bedroom, I saw that the note was no longer on Adam's pillow. When I checked under the pillow, under the sheets and under and behind the bed, it wasn't there either. That meant that Adam had seen it, or else that someone else, maybe Brian had removed it, although this was unlikely. I sat down on Adam's bed for a moment, feeling, rather dramatically, abandoned. With 7 more of us, well, 5, since Brian and Crane were adults, I did understand that Adam had a lot on his plate. He was always busy, and never alone and I was usually fine with that. I didn't normally feel like Adam didn't have enough time for me. But I felt that way now. Why did Ford's parents' night have to be tonight of all nights? What if Adam didn't come home until after Guthrie and me were in bed? Or worse, what if he came home and ignored the note? I didn't really think he would do that, but still. Uch- why were things so complicated!

/

In the end, I ended up getting my book and reading on Adam's bed. That's where I was when I heard Brian call that supper was ready. I wasn't so hungry; my belly hurt a bit though it wasn't anything terrible. Brian asked me over supper if Olivia has been at school that day and when I told him morosely that she hadn't, he looked at me sympathetically and said, "That's too bad. I'm sure she'll come around in time though."

"When?" I asked.

"When she's ready."

"But when will that be?"

"Cut it out!" Brian said to Daniel and Evan who were bickering over a bowl of potatoes, then he turned his attention back to me.

"You've gotta be patient, Heidi."

"I hate being patient," I grumbled.

I thought Brian would scold me about my poor attitude, but he surprised me by smiling wryly at me and then saying, "Wanna know a secret?"

I nodded.

"Me too."

/

I usually found my new fourth-grade work manageable, but that evening I found it difficult to complete. It was because I had to concentrate more than usual, and my mind was on Olivia and when Adam was going to come home. I was still at the kitchen table trying to finish my homework long after the others had finished theirs, even Ford. It was nearing the time that Guthrie and I would be sent up for a shower and I was still sitting there, working my way through double- and triple-digit multiplications. I wished I could just use a calculator, but we had to show the different steps we took. Luckily, Daniel, who had come into the kitchen to grab a drink, took pity on me and sat next to me guiding me through the problems. He wasn't bad at math at all.

"When's your concert?" I asked him, once we were finished.

Daniel's face lit up like it always does when he's talking about music. "Middle of next week."

"Are you nervous?"

"A bit," Daniel admitted, "But mostly I'm excited!"

Then I heard my name being called from the other room. It was Brian.

"What?" I called back.

"Come here, please."

I quickly got up and went through to the living room. Evan and Ford were on one of the couches watching television and Brian was crouched by the fireplace, adding more kindling and stoking the fire with the poker. I went to stand next to him.

"What's the matter?"

Brian threw in another log without looking at me.

"Time for a shower."

"Okay… but can I stay up until Adam gets home? Please?"

"I don't know when he'll be home, Heidi, so not if it's past your bedtime."

"But I have to talk to him!" I said.

"You can talk to him tomorrow."

"It's urgent, though!"

Brian finally looked at me, his eyebrows raised.

"Urgent, huh? Well if it's urgent, how about talkin' to me?"

I hesitated. Brian didn't seem like he was in the most sympathetic mood just now. I felt like I wouldn't be able to stand it if I talked to him and he just brushed me off. He could be like that sometimes, especially if he was tired or he had a lot to do. He was never mean about it but he had a way of trying to 'fix' things and then expecting me to buck up and get on with it. Adam could be like that too, but he was the one who understood more that sometimes, all a girl wants is some sympathy. Sympathy's underrated if you ask me.

"It's okay," I said, "It can wait until tomorrow."

/

I was in that hazy, almost asleep phase after lights out when I became aware of my bedroom door opening ever so slightly, and then I felt a hand run over my hair and my quilt being pulled up higher over me. I opened my eyes a sliver and when I saw who it was, I said, "Adam."

"Go back to sleep, honey; I didn't mean to wake you."

"I missed you this evening," I said, drowsily.

"I'm here now."

Adam sat down on the edge of my bed and pulled off his shoes. Then he told me to shove over and lay down next to me. I snuggled into him. He put one arm up, hand behind his head and drew me closer with his other arm so my head was resting on his shoulder. I had woken up a bit more though I was still drowsy.

"I got your note," Adam said quietly in my ear. He carded his fingers through my hair. "I'm real happy that you used your journal to reach out to me and tell me how you're feelin'."

"I'm sad," I said. I didn't bother to lower my voice- I knew Guthrie wouldn't wake up.

"I know."

Adam and I lay there for some moments; him just cuddling me, and me enjoying the affection.

"You know, when you're feelin' down and blue, it's helpful to think of all the things you're lookin' forward to."

"Like what?"

"It's better if you can think of them yourself. What's happening on Saturday for example?"

"Crane's coming home!"

"That's right. And what we gonna do when Crane's home?"

"Get our Christmas tree?"

"Exactly."

"And Daniel's concert is coming up," I said, getting into the swing of things.

"And then Christmas will be here before you know it. Have you written to Santa yet?"

"Adam!" I giggled. Both Guthrie and I knew by now that Santa wasn't real. We'd believed it until we were around 6 when a boy at school had given us a rude awakening. I'd taken it better than Guthrie- he had been devastated!

"What?" Adam said innocently.

Adam shifted slightly and I shifted with him.

"Guess who called here today?"

"Who?"

"Uncle Pete. He said he's goin' to be joinin' us for Christmas this year."

"Uncle Pete? For real?" I said, excitedly, sitting up a little to look at Adam. Uncle Pete was our mother's brother. He was one of those middle-aged men who's perpetually going on 20. He spent most of his time motorbiking around the country on his Harley Davidson wearing his leather jacket- don't ask me how he made a living. He was wholly irresponsible- always had been- but he was so much fun, and we all adored him and were thrilled to see him when he chose to swing by.

"Yes," Adam said, pulling me back down.

"I'm excited," I said.

"Me too. There's a lot to look forward to, right?"

I nodded my head against Adam's shoulder.

"So every time you're missin' Olivia or feelin' sad in the next few weeks, remember all the things we just talked about. Think you can do that?"

"Yes," I said definitively. I was already feeling better.

 **Happy new year everyone. Hope 2020 is a blessed year. How can it be 2020 already- how is 20 years ago not 1980? Anyway, I appreciate the story is kind of slow at the moment whereas my other one has pace and purpose. I guess I just enjoy writing little vignettes into little Heidi's life. It'll pick up again in due course. Thanks for the continued support.**


	52. Christmas cheer and a test

**Another holiday, another chapter. Hopefully I can update my other one too over the next few days. Sorry it's been so long!**

It was with a huge amount of surprise and then glee that I greeted Crane when he picked me up from my class the following Saturday. I had known that he was coming home that day for the Christmas break, but I hadn't expected that he would be the one picking me up. I squealed when I saw him in the car park, leaning against the driver's side of the jeep with his arms crossed and ran straight to him, throwing myself into his middle and hugging the daylights out of him. Crane laughed softly and hugged me back.

"When did you get back?" I asked looking up at him, my arms still around his waist.

"Mid-morning. I thought I'd come to class and surprise my favorite little sister." He smoothed my hair back fondly. "We'd better get on home. Brian's making a huuuuge welcome home lunch."

I agreed happily and Crane and I set off for home. On the way home, I filled him in on my news, or the family's news like what happened in my class, Olivia STILL not being at school, and the fact that there had been two hospital visits that week. First, Evan had been thrown off his horse at youth rodeo. He'd had a suspected broken collar bone, but it turned out to be only badly bruised. The next day, Guthrie had been playing soccer in the school playground with some other kids and he had tripped and smashed his head against the side of one of the buildings. When he'd started feeling nauseated only an hour later, the school nurse had called home and Adam had come to collect him and take him to the hospital. It turned out he had concussion and he'd been off school the next couple of days, resting. I had been beside myself when Guthrie had hurt himself. I had point blank refused to go back to class until Guthrie had been picked up and had sat next to Guthrie holding his hand and worrying over him. I'd wanted to go to the hospital with Guthrie too, but Adam had made me stay at school and ordered me to go back to class.

I'm sure Crane knew all this- someone was bound to have filled him in- but he listened patiently anyway. Crane's nice like that.

"Sounds like it's been a real eventful week!" he said, when I'd talked a mile and minute and run out of steam.

"Uh huh! Crane, how long you home for?"

"Around three weeks."

I had known that, but there was something delicious about hearing Crane say that he was going to be around for three whole weeks. That feels like a lifetime when you're 8.

I shifted with excitement next to him. "And are we still going to get our tree tomorrow?"

"I believe we are."

"I'm so happy!" I squealed.

Getting the tree as a family was one of my most favorite things to do. I felt like I might explode with excitement.

Crane glanced at home for a moment. He smiled softly, but all he said was, "I'm glad, little one."

/

Crane was right- Brian had made an enormous lunch to welcome Crane home. He often grumbled about cooking, but I think he secretly enjoyed it, otherwise why would he go all out? Both Guthrie and I were really over excited about Crane being home, and we had to be told a couple of times by both Adam and Brian to calm down. It was hard though. When you're excited, you're excited!

We were about finished and about to leave the table when Brian shared one of their communication without words looks with Adam, and then said to the table, "Before y'all leave the table, now that Crane's home and Christmas is less than 2 weeks away, I think we'd better draw our secret santa names sooner rather than later."

"Yes! I love secret santa!" Guthrie yelled and I copied him. Secret santa was something we did every year at Christmas time because there were so many of us and it was too expensive for each of us to buy everyone else a present. It had started with our parents: they had bought all of us kids a present each, and then the kids would only buy our secret santa name a gift. Adam and Brian had continued the tradition, so all of us younger kids, Crane included, got a gift from the two of them as our 'parents' and then the rest of us would only buy our secret santa name a gift. Adam and Brian were included in that too. Last year I had drawn Crane's name. I knew he loved reading as much as I did, so I'd taken my saved up allowance money and with a lot of Brian's help- he's a surprisingly excellent gift buyer- we'd chosen Crane a book on European history we thought he'd like at the bookstore. I was secretly hoping to draw Crane's name again because book buying was fun, even if it wasn't for yourself. But it seemed unlikely.

"I'm calling getting to pick first," Daniel said, shooting his hand up in the air.

"You got to pick first last year," Evan said, "Give someone else a go."

"It doesn't really matter though, does it?" Ford said. "I mean, you don't get to pick the person you're buying a present for; it's all anonymous."

"Who cares? I still want to pick first!" Daniel said.

Ford shook his head like a parent would, as though he couldn't believe Daniel's immaturity.

"To stop any arguments, I'm goin' to pick first," Adam said. Daniel grumbled a little, but I could tell he didn't care that much.

Adam fetched a clean bowl from the cupboard and then took a sheet of lined paper that was lying on one of the side counters, probably left over from one of our pieces of homework. He tore it into 8 pieces and then wrote down our names on the pieces of paper, folding each one over a couple of times so that the name was covered. Guthrie went to lean on Adam's shoulder, watching the proceedings carefully. When Adam had put all our names into the bowl, he shook it around a bit to mix up the pieces of paper.

"Right, I'm goin' to pick now," he said.

"Remember the rules, Adam, you're only allowed to put it back if you draw your own name," Guthrie said.

"Aww, so I can't buy myself a gift then if I draw my own name?" Adam asked, teasingly, but Guthrie took him seriously and shook his head.

"That's against the rules, Adam," he said gravely.

"Alright, Guth, whatever you say."

Adam shut his eyes theatrically and swished his hand around in the bowl before pulling a name out the bowl. He unfolded the piece of paper and peeked at it, before smiling briefly.

"It's not my own name," he said, to Guthrie more than anyone else.

There was a very brief tussle about who would get to go next. Crane volunteered to go last and Ford said he didn't mind either. He shared a smile with Crane as if to confirm that the two of them were above all the petty arguments.

Daniel did end up going next, but he had to draw twice because he picked himself. Then Evan went, then Guthrie, then me, followed by Brian, Ford and lastly Crane. I picked Ford, which I thought would be tricky. Evan, Daniel, Crane and even Guthrie were the easiest to buy for in my opinion because they all had very clear hobbies. But Ford was into a bit of everything. Technically you were meant to keep your secret santa name to yourself, but since Brian had helped me last year, I decided I would ask his advice again.

/

The christmas cheer continued into Sunday when after church, lunch and chores, we all went as a family to pick our Christmas tree in the late afternoon. Our family has a lot of land, and most years, because our family always needed money, my older brothers would cut down christmas trees and sell them for some extra income. I guess they could have just brought one home for us, but it was a family tradition that we all went together to choose our tree. It was also tradition that Guthrie and I, being the youngest, were in charge of picking it out. It was a job we took extremely seriously. The family were patient with us, well- apart from a few grumbles from Evan who said he was keen to get back because he said Diablo needed him, but he was soon distracted by Crane.

Guthrie and I couldn't agree on the tree we wanted: I wanted one which was a bit taller and skinner whereas Guthrie wanted a smaller and fatter one. We squabbled over it- not nastily or anything, but in the end, Adam said we would settle it with a vote, and whoever lost would need to be a good sport about it. Guthrie won.

Adam and Brian cut it down with an electric saw and then we loaded the tree into the truck with some of us squished up next to it in the back. When we got it home, we spent the rest of the evening decorating the tree with tinsel and our mother's christmas ornaments. Us younger kids drank hot chocolate but Adam, Brian and Crane had whisky, something they only drank at Christmas time on special occasions. Brian let Daniel try it, since he was 14, when Adam was out the room because he knew he would disapprove. It was only a sip, but Daniel couldn't stop coughing and said it tasted disgusting. Both Guthrie and I begged to be allowed to try it, but Brian said not a chance. We were both reluctant to go to bed too, because the rest of the family would still be downstairs, hanging out and having a good time without us, but we were mollified by Crane saying he would come and read to us. We even persuaded him to stay in our room until we fell asleep. We thought we were being clever because we planned to stay awake for as long as possible, but Crane had other plans. He fetched his guitar and strummed it softly, and before we knew it, we had both drifted away.

/

Because it was in the lead up to the end of the first school semester, we were having a test in math, English and science which would form a large part of our overall semester grades. It wasn't sprung on it- we knew about it, and Adam had made sure that Guthrie and I had time to study for the tests, although we didn't really have to be told or forced. I might have been at a more advanced level, but good grades mattered to Guthrie too.

That's why I was so shocked at what happened that week, on Tuesday, the day of the math test. We had it in the morning. Mrs Whitby said that it was best to always get tests over and done with first thing so we didn't need to think about them for the rest of the day. I was having my own test with the fourth-grade material that I'd been studying for a few weeks now, but I took it in the same classroom with everyone else.

Guthrie and I sit on opposite ends of the classroom. We'd always been separated since being moved in the first grade when at first, we'd been very distracted sitting next to each other, giggling and messing around- things like that. Initially, we'd hated being separated and we'd begged Adam to ask our teacher to let us sit next to each other again, but he'd refused.

"When you're at school, you're to listen to your teacher and obey her the same way you would me and Brian," he'd said. So we had to learn to live with it.

So, because I sat on the opposite end of the classroom, at the back, whereas Guthrie sat in the middle, I had a perfect view of mostly everyone in the classroom. I'd been completely engrossed in completing my own test, but I'd glanced up -I think to check the clock at the front of the room- and my gaze had flitted to Guthrie. He was sitting, with his test angled to the side, eyes on Mrs Whitby who had her head bent over something at her desk at the front. Undeniably and unmistakably, copying he answers off Guthrie's test, was Michael.

My heart started to beat quicker. What in the world was Guthrie doing? Was he crazy? Why was he just letting Michael copy all his answers off him like that? The two of them had been hanging out a lot more lately, especially at school, but that wasn't a reason really.

I glanced at Mrs Whitby again, terrified that she would look up at see what Guthrie and Michael were doing. But she was completely engrossed in her own activity.

Michael was finished copying Guthrie within a couple of minutes of me looking up, but I still couldn't concentrate after that. Luckily, I'd finished my test, but I didn't get to check my answers properly because the numbers were swimming in front of me.

I caught Guthrie at the beginning of first recess as we were heading outside to the playground. It was just me and him- the others had run ahead or were too far behind us for them to hear us, otherwise I wouldn't have said anything.

"I saw you during the test, Guth," I said quietly.

Guthrie glanced at me briefly but then looked straight head again.

"So what?" he said. I heard a hint of stubborn defiance in his tone.

"I saw you cheat."

"I didn't!"

"Knock it off Guth! I _saw_ you," I said, and then because my voice had raised a bit, I glanced around quickly to make sure no one could hear.

"I didn't cheat," he whispered. "I only let Michael copy me. So it's not me cheating."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay," I said sarcastically. "Do you think Adam or Brian would accept that answer?"

If there's one thing our oldest brothers hated, and still do to this day, it's dishonesty, lying and cheating. Both of them came down hard on it.

"It doesn't matter coz they're not gonna find out!" Guthrie said. He looked at me warily. "You're not gonna tell, are you?"

I thumped Guthrie's arm, offended that he'd even ask that question. "Of course not! But what if Mrs Whitby finds out and she tells them?"

"She won't!"

"She might!"

"How?"

"Coz you'll have all the same answers, dummy."

We had reached the playground now, but we still hung back from everyone else even though some of the boys, Michael included, were calling for Guthrie to come and join the soccer game.

"I told Michael not to copy them all, so they won't look suspicious."

Wow. He really had thought it through.

"Why'd you let him copy you anyway?" I asked.

Guthrie shrugged.

"It doesn't matter."

"Guthrie! It does!"

Guthrie made a move to run off to join the game but I grabbed his arm.

"Tell me, Guth," I said softly. "We tell each other everything."

Guthrie glanced around to make sure no one was listening, even though it was pretty obvious we were still alone.

"Michael not good at math, Heidi. And his dad…"

"What about his dad…?" I asked, even though I could guess it was something bad. I remembered Michael's dad from encountering him at the Fall Street Dance a couple of weeks back. He was a horrible man. A bully.

"Michael said his dad would beat him if he didn't do good in this test."

I frowned at Guthrie. "You mean like a spanking?"

"No, I don't think it's a spanking like the kind Adam or Brian give. Michael said that the last time he'd not done well in a test, he'd had bruises and he couldn't walk properly for 3 days."

I immediately felt sick. Poor Michael. I wanted to cry. I couldn't even fathom what Guthrie was telling me. Were parents allowed to hit their kids like that?

"You need to tell Adam or Brian. Or even Crane!" I said but the minute the words were out my mouth, Guthrie looked at me fiercely and said "No!"

"Why? They'll be able to help!"

"I promised I wouldn't, Heidi. Michael says that if anyone finds out about it, his dad will hurt him mom."

I also remembered Michael's mom from the dance. She'd been mousy and beat down looking. I could believe what Guthrie was saying.

"Just leave it alone. It's over now anyway, okay?"

I agreed to leave it, because really, what choice did I have? I wasn't going to rat out Guthrie to the teacher or my brothers, and I wasn't about to tell anyone about Michael's dad in case his mom got hurt.

Of couse that wasn't the end of it though, because let's face it: teachers aren't idiots. Well, Mrs Whitby isn't anyway. Michael must not have made sure to change enough answers to cover his tracks because just before Mrs Whitby dismissed us to go home at the end of the day, she said quietly. "Guthrie and Michael, stay behind please. I want to talk to you both."

I felt my heart sink. She obviously knew they'd cheated. And if she knew they'd cheated, then it meant that Adam and Brian were going to know they'd cheated. Guthrie was in major trouble.


	53. Crane's words of wisdom

**Thanks so much for all the reviews. So motivating.**

I waited outside for Guthrie at the bottom of the steps of the front doors where we came out of school. I was really nervous for him- more nervous than I'd be for myself in that situation. I've always felt protective over him, and I hate when he's in trouble even more than when I'm in trouble myself, even to this day. I looked at my watch nervously. The last school bus left 30 minutes after the end of school, and if we missed it, we would need to call home and ask someone to pick us up. They'd want to know why we missed the bus and it would all come out. Although, I reasoned to myself, they were going to find out anyway, because Mrs Whitby would surely call home.

15 minutes passed, then 20. I was resigning myself to the fact that we were going to miss the bus, when the double doors burst open, and Guthrie and Michael came running down the steps.

Michael ran off towards his own bus; his bus took a different route, towards Murphys, whereas ours went out further north. He glanced at me furtively before he ran off, but then ignored me completely.

"Guthrie!" I said, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me forward saying, "Quick- we need to get the bus."

We ran for the bus and managed to board it with a couple of minutes to spare. It was packed and there were no seats next to each other, so Guthrie found a seat near the front, and I had to sit at the back next to a fellow girl in our class, Ruth, who I found incredibly annoying because she didn't know when to stop talking. The good thing about Ruth though, is that she doesn't need a response. While she rabbited on and on about the pony her daddy was getting her for her birthday, I half listened while watching the back of Guthrie's head in front of me, trying to work out what had happened with Mrs Whitby.

Even when we got off the bus at our stop, we couldn't speak properly because a couple of kids from neighboring ranches got off with us. It was only when they dropped away towards their own homes and we were on the home stretch to our own ranch that I had a chance to properly grill him.

"So? What happened?" I asked the minute the last kid had fallen away.

Guthrie looked down and kicked a stone in front of him. Then he looked at me.

"It's gonna be fine," he said confidently.

"Huh?" I asked, confused. "What d'you mean?"

"I told Mrs Whitby that it was all my fault. That I copied from Michael and that he didn't know anything about it."

I was taken aback.

"And she believed you?"

"Yea, I think so. I mean she asked some questions but then she said she's gonna give me a 0 on the test and call home tonight."

For someone in trouble, Guthrie was sounding incredibly calm. It was weird.

"How's it gonna be fine? That doesn't sound like fine!" I said.

Guthrie shifted his backpack from one shoulder to the other.

"It'll be fine for Michael."

"But not for you!" I said. I grabbed his wrist. "Guth if you don't tell what really happened, you'll get a spanking among other things. You know how much they hate cheating."

I saw a hint of something- I wouldn't call it fear, - more like apprehension- in Guthrie's eyes when he looked at me, but he seemed to steel himself and then it was gone.

"I can take it," he said. "If Michael's safe, I can take it."

At hearing the words, 'Michael' and 'safe', my stomach lurched again.

"You gotta tell, Guthrie," I said. "Adam and Brian, they always know what to do; they always know how to help. They can help Michael and his mom. And I'll bet Adam won't spank you if he knows what really happened."

We were walking down our long, dusty track towards the house by that time. Guthrie stopped walking, almost abruptly and said, vehemently, "No, Heidi. I made a promise. You know what the guys are always saying about promises. I gotta keep it."

I did know: our brothers said that a real man, or woman as the case may be, kept their word, or their promise and that you should never make a promise you can't keep.

"I didn't promise though…" I said, softly.

Guthrie's head swivelled round freakishly quickly to look at me head on. I saw real hardness in his eyes which shocked me because Guthrie never looks at me this way.

"Do you want Michael's to get hurt? Or his mom?" he demanded.

"No! But-,"

"If you tell, Heidi, that's what's gonna happen and I promise that I will never ever trust you again and I'll never tell you another thing as long as I live."

"Guthrie!" I said, shocked at his vehemence.

"I mean it!" he said, almost yelling. He ran off then, toward the barn leaving me to go into the house on my own.

/

The house, with the twinkling Christmas tree and other decorations in the living room, seemed warm and welcoming as I went inside. There were voices coming from the direction of the kitchen- I made it out to be Crane and Ford, but I felt like I needed some time to myself. I called out hello to them so they would know I was home and then went straight up to my bedroom and wrote in my journal about the day's events. When I'd finished, I felt a little calmer but still no closer to knowing what to do about the situation between Guthrie and Michael so I started drawing instead. I kept imagining Michael's horrible father hurting him and his mom. I understood how Guthrie felt- I wasn't close to Michael at all but I still couldn't bear the idea of him being in danger in some way. But I also didn't want Guthrie to be in trouble at something that wasn't his fault. I felt weighed down with the burden and wished I could talk to someone about it.

While I was mulling over my drawing, there was a soft knock at the door and when I turned to look, Crane was standing there. He was wearing his jacket.

"Hey, little one, how was school?"

I couldn't meet Crane's eye when I told him it had been fine.

"You don't want your after-school snack?"

The way he said it was more like a statement than a question. I knew it must have seemed strange because normally, we were all ravenous after school. Today, I just didn't feel like it and told Crane so.

"Huh," Crane said.

Even though I'd gone back to my drawing, I could feel his eyes on me.

"I'm going to the bank in Murphys to deposit a couple of things. D'you want to come? You could go to the library and pick out some new books."

That caught my interest. Only the day before I'd been complaining at supper that I'd finished reading all my library books and wanted to go and get some new ones. Plus, I reasoned, it would take my mind off my conundrum.

"Okay," I said.

"Meet me in the truck in 5 minutes," Crane said.

It took me more than 5 minutes because I had to empty my backpack of my school stuff and gather up the library books which were scattered in various places around my room to put into my backpack. Then it took me a little bit longer to find my library card.

Crane didn't complain about how long I'd taken though when I hopped into the truck next to him. He had the window rolled down and was talking to Daniel who was trying to persuade Crane to also go to the grocery store.

"And can you get Mallomars- not the nasty fake kind like Brian gets, the real kind," Daniel said.

"I can't make any promises, but I'll do my best," Crane said.

As we drove down our driveway, we passed Evan in the paddock with Diablo. I spotted a speck in the distance on horseback, too small to identify although I surmised it would be Adam or Brian.

I was very quiet, lost in my own thoughts as we drove to Murphys, a fact which did not escape Crane's observation. He asked me a couple of times if I was alright, and when I assured him I was, he said mildly, " It's just that you've been bouncing off the walls with happiness since Saturday and now you're down in the dumps so it's not unreasonable to assume something's happened."

I sighed heavily but didn't reply to him.

"A problem shared is a problem halved you know."

"I can't," I said, softly.

Crane frowned as he slowed down a little to let another car overtake us.

"Why not?"

"I just… can't…"

"Heidi, you can always talk to me. Or Adam or Brian. Always. You know that, right?"

I nodded but busied myself with unzipping my backpack and then zipping it back up again rather than looking at Crane. Crane must have seen me nod though, because he didn't ask for a verbal reply.

Crane didn't press me any further, for which I was glad. He put the radio on for the rest of the journey. When we pulled into Main Street, he parked the truck and told me to go on to the library.

"I'll meet you in there when I'm done," he said.

When I walked into the library, the librarian Mrs Poots greeted me warmly. I told Mrs Poots that Crane was home from college and would be along soon. Her face lit up. I knew she adored Crane. She'd been the librarian there all my life, and all Crane's life too he'd told me once. My love for reading had really been encouraged by Crane; he'd been a library regular since he was little and he'd been bringing me here for a few years since I'd learned to read. Before Crane could drive, Adam or Brian would drive us in when they needed something in town. Crane had brought Guthrie too at first, but although Guthie liked to be read to in class or at bedtime, he's not such a fan of quiet time with a book. He had been hard to contain, Crane said, zooming around the aisles, whereas I'd grabbed a handful of picture books from the shelf and plonked myself down on the carpet to read them quietly.

Mrs Poots checked my books back in for me and then gave me some recommendations on some books she thought I'd like. She told me about some books from an author called Beverly Cleary.

"This is the first one," Mrs Poots said, handing me over a book that said 'Beezus and Ramona' written on the front cover. "It's about a couple of sisters. You'll most likely find the level easy for you, but I think you'd enjoy the story."

I decided to check that one out, along with the next two in the series, "Ramona the Pest" and "Ramona the Brave" and I also took out a book called "Carrie's War" about life for children in WW2. I loved reading about history and about different countries, plus Mrs Poots said I'd find the reading age on that book for challenging.

Crane arrived holding a paper bag with some groceries in it just as I was packing up my backpack with my new books. Mrs Poots gave him a big hug and he kissed her on the cheek. I read a little of Beezus and Ramona while Mrs Poots asked him all about college. I think she'd have liked to talk to him longer but then Crane put a hand on my head and said we needed to be getting home for supper.

On the ride home, Crane asked me about which books I'd checked out. I told him, but due to the yawning uncomfortable pit in my stomach, I couldn't muster up much enthusiasm when talking to him.

After I was done telling him, I turned the radio on, hoping he would leave me be to my thoughts. The minute I turned it on though, Crane reached over and turned it off.

I looked at him quizzically.

"Please can we turn the radio on?" I asked.

"In a minute; I want to talk to you first."

"Okay…"

"Earlier, on the drive in, you said that can't talk to me. I was just wondering why that is."

I sighed. I should have known that Crane wouldn't leave it. That he was biding his time. He's way more patient than either Adam or Brian, but he's just as stubborn.

"I just _can't_ , Crane," I said. "Please can we just leave it now?"

"Did you make a promise to someone?"

"No… I didn't make a promise."

That was true. Guthrie had promised not to tell, not me.

"Because if you did make a promise," Crane went on relentlessly, "It's okay to break promises sometimes. Sometimes you _should_ break a promise."

I turned to look at him.

"Like when?"

"Like when someone is in trouble and you don't know how to fix it. Or when you think someone's in danger. Remember a few weeks ago, when you caught Daniel leaving in the middle of the night with the car?"

I nodded. "Uh huh."

"You realised that telling someone, even though you didn't want to snitch on Daniel, was the right thing to do because Daniel needed help. Right?"

I nodded again and started to unconsciously bite the skin around my thumb which is something I do when I'm nervous.

"Well that kind of situation is the kind where it's okay to break a promise."

"I didn't make a promise," I repeated softly.

We were crossing the bridge now, edging ever closer to home.

"Alright."

Crane looked at me quickly and then back at the road.

"I can't make you talk to me, Heidi. But I hope you'll think carefully about what I've just said."

"Okay," I said, my voice almost a whisper. My tummy really hurt. I leaned my head against the cool glass of the windowpane on the passenger's side, my thoughts and feelings roiling.

/

Supper was being dished up when Crane and I arrived home- chicken pot pie, green beans and salad. Daniel asked Crane if he'd picked up the Mallomars and Crane said he had. Brian grumbled that there was nothing wrong with the alternative brand and that they were cheaper.

Crane and I took our places at the table. I'd been silent the rest of the journey home, just contemplating what Crane had said. I wasn't hungry at all- I get like that when something's bothering me. Guthrie wasn't hungry either- I could tell. He was sitting in his usual place when we were younger, opposite me on Adam's left side while I was on Adam's right. I watched him pick at his food and he seemed lost in his own thoughts. I kept trying to catch his attention, but he was studiously avoiding my efforts. Clearly, Mrs Whitby hadn't called home yet; Adam and Brian were in too good a mood.

Adam noticed us pick at our food. He almost always notices everything like that, especially when we were little.

"What's the matter, babies?" he asked, using the collective family name for Guthrie and me.

I don't mind when Adam and Brian call me that; most of the time I don't even notice- they still sometimes call me that to this day, but Guthrie had hated it for a while and he snappily told Adam so and that nothing was wrong.

Brian raised his eyebrows. "I think they need an early night," he said to Adam talking about us over our heads in that infuriating way that he and Adam did sometimes.

"It seems so," Adam said.

I felt vastly irritated and I could tell Guthrie did too, but neither of us said anything. We made more of an effort to eat after that.

Adam and Brian joined in with the wider conversation at the table which was dominated by Daniel, instructing us all in arrangements for his performance with his band which we would all be going to see at the high school talent show the following evening.

"Don't sit too near to the front or to the back. And be on time," he said. "It'll be really disruptive if you arrive late."

"What about making a 'We love Daniel banner'; can we do that?" Crane asked with a straight face.

"Yea, and can we stand up and chant your name when you come on stage?" Brian asked.

"NO!" Daniel said.

"Can we make T-shirts with your face on them?" Evan said.

"NO!"

My brothers called out more and more outlandish suggestions trying to rile Daniel up though, and it became extra funny because he kept taking the bait, though I could tell he was also hamming up his reaction for theatrical effect.

"DO NOT embarrass me!" he said.

"But it'll be so much fun!" Ford said.

We were all laughing now, even Guthrie and me. Then I heard the ringing of the telephone and I knew, I just knew it was going to be Mrs Whitby on the phone. Brian says I've got a sixth sense about things, but really, who else was it going to be?

My other brothers paid no mind to it, continuing to laugh and joke, but Guthrie met my eyes for the first time that evening and we shared a meaningful look. Adam got up to answer the phone.

He was gone for quite a while. Not a ridiculous amount of time, but longer than your average phone call. The longer he was away, the more nervous I began to feel for Guthrie. I could see the obvious discomfort he was in and I knew that it wasn't just about the threat of a spanking or other punishment. He worshipped both our oldest brothers – still does to this day. He would be devastated that they were disappointed in him.

When Adam finally returned to the table, he sat down and cast Guthrie a serious, raised eyebrows look. Guthrie looked down at his plate.

"Who was on the phone?" Brian asked.

"I'll tell you later," Adam said quietly.

Adam didn't act any different than he had earlier for the rest of the meal. We had dessert- just some ice cream which I ate but couldn't enjoy.

When we'd finished, Crane and Ford started clearing the plates as they were on dish duty.

Adam looked at Guthrie and said very sternly but quietly, "I think you know that we have something to discuss upstairs, young man."

Guthrie nodded.

"What's goin' on?" Brian said.

"I'll tell you upstairs," Adam said.

"Go wait for us in your room," Adam said to Guthrie.

Guthrie made to leave the table. But as he did, I felt like I was going to burst. Everything was sitting in my chest, desperate to climb out. I couldn't, just couldn't sit by and watch Guthrie get into trouble for helping someone. If he'd hate me forever, I'd take that chance.

"Guthrie, wait!" I said.

Guthrie turned and gave me a hard look which I knew was his way of warning me to be quiet.

"Crane said it's okay to break a promise sometimes."

"A promise? What promise?" Brian said.

"He said that sometimes you need to break a promise if someone's hurt or in danger," I continued.

I think I sounded shrill and the obvious drama had caught the attention of everyone else. I looked over at Crane; he nodded at me, imperceptibly, but enough that it gave me courage to continue.

"You gotta tell the truth, Guth about what really happened!"

"Shut up, Heidi!" Guthrie said. He sounded on the verge of tears.

"Guthrie!" Adam scolded, "Don't speak to your sister like that."

"Will someone please tell me what is goin' on!" Brian said.

And then Guthrie burst out into full on tears and ran away from the table upstairs and I started to cry too, pulling my legs up onto the chair and burying my head into my knees.


	54. The job of big brothers

Once I started crying, it was hard to stop myself from out and out hysterically bawling. I felt completely overwhelmed and stressed. I was still crying into my knees so I couldn't see anything, plus I was making a lot of noise, but I did hear Evan say, "Holy smokes, what's the matter with the matter with the babies?" and Daniel replying, "I dunno, but looks like some drama."

I heard Adam say, "Crane, what's Heidi talkin' about? Somethin' about a promise?"

"I don't know," Crane said. "She's been upset since she came home from school, but she wouldn't tell me what's the matter. Said she couldn't, so I told her that if she made a promise to keep some sort of secret, it's okay to break them sometimes."

"Okay…," Adam said. He sounded confused.

"What's goin' on with Guthrie?" Brian asked.

"That was Mrs Whitby on the phone during supper," Adam said. "Apparently, Guthrie cheated on his math test today. Copied his friend's paper entirely."

"What?" Brian sounded shocked. "That's not like him at all!"

"I know. But he admitted it apparently. Though Mrs Whitby did say she was surprised because he's good at math, and the kid he copied from generally isn't."

"Did she say who he copied from?" Brian asked.

"Nope."

I longed to blurt out that the kid had been Michael. That Guthrie was just covering for him, but for some reason, something wouldn't let me. Plus, I was not enjoying the fact that my brothers were talking over my head and in a way, ignoring me. I mean I knew they were only trying to find out what was happening and so they weren't intentionally overlooking me, but that's what it felt like. I longed for a hug but was too proud to unfold myself and ask for one.

"I'm pretty sure that Heidi knows what's goin' on," Crane said.

"I'd bet on it," Adam said. "Brian, you take Heidi and I'm gonna go up to Guthrie and see if I can get any sense outta him."

"Yep," Brian said.

Then, I felt a light tap on my right knee. "Come on, kiddo. Come talk to me."

I lifted my head a little, happy that someone was finally paying attention to me. Brian was standing over me. When I lifted my head, he held out his hand.

"Come."

I immediately took Brian's hand and he pulled me up out of my chair and led me to the living room.

"Can someone grab some Kleenex and bring it through," he called behind us.

Brian led me to one of the couches and I sat down and curled my feet up underneath me. I grabbed one of the cushions there for comfort and hugged it to me. Daniel brought through some Kleenex and handed it to Brian who gave it to me. I wiped my eyes and nose, which was running liberally due to all the crying. Then Brian sat down on the coffee table facing me.

All I wanted was to be scooped up and held on someone's lap to be comforted. I love Brian to death, but I won't lie: he's sometimes not the most sympathetic of my brothers, and so I wished Crane was there, or Adam. It's not that Brian doesn't hug or coddle; he's kind, but having him face me meant I knew I could get away with less hysteria, I guess. Maybe that was a good thing.

I guess Daniel was hovering around because Brian said, "Give us a minute alone here, Danil, would ya?"

Brian turned his attention back to me. He leaned forward a bit.

"Alright then miss, what's goin' on?"

I hugged the couch cushion to me tighter, putting my head down into it.

Brian jiggled my knee gently.

"Come on, Heidi, you'll feel better if you talk to me."

"I can't!" I wailed.

"Why can't you?"

I took a shuddery breath and looked up at Brian.

"Because…"

"Because what?"

I wanted to talk to Brian, I did. And in the kitchen when I'd appealed to Guthrie, I'd been prepared to tell all. But now, Guthrie's words about me being responsible if Michael and his mom got hurt if I told were circulating my mind. So instead, I just lowered my head into the cushion again.

"Heidi," Brian said. He sounded frustrated. That made me start crying harder again.

Brian sighed.

"Okay, Heidi, just answer me this," he said, a bit more gently now- well, for Brian anyway. "Has there ever been a situation where you've needed help and Adam or me, or even one of the other boys hasn't been able to help you?"

I thought for a minute. If I was honest the answer was no: my brothers always seemed to be able to fix things for me.

"No," I said quietly.

"Right. You know why? Because that's what big brothers are for. We're here to make the lives of our little sister or brothers better."

Brian's words held an undertone of humor. I gave him a small smile through my tears.

Brian reached out to tickle under my chin lightly.

"Is that a smile I see?"

"No!"

"Hmm, I think it was. Let's try this again, shall we? I'm goin' to ask you questions and you answer yes or no, okay?"

That sounded doable.

"Okay," I agreed.

"Alright, so first question: do you know what happened with Guthrie and the test today at school?"

I nodded.

"Okay, good. Now, did Guthrie really copy another kid's answers?"

I paused, but then shook my head no slowly.

"K. Is Guthrie coverin' for someone else then?"

"Yes," I said.

"Can you tell me who he's coverin' for?"

I didn't want to tell, but at this point, I knew I kind of had no choice. Plus, I reasoned to myself; I wasn't really telling Brian what actually happened.

"Michael," I whispered.

Brian's forehead creased in thought. "Michael? Do I know him? Wait- is he that kid that's been over here a couple times?"

I nodded. "Yea, and you met his daddy at the Fall Street Dance. Remember? He was being mean and told you I was rude to him when I wasn't."

"Yea…" Brian said slowly. I could tell from his face that a realisation was starting to dawn on him. "I remember that guy."

"Crane?" he suddenly called through to the kitchen, surprising me.

Crane was there in an instant.

"What?"

"Can you sit with Heidi a bit? I need to go upstairs to Adam and Guthrie."

"Sure," Crane said, coming to sit next to me on the couch.

Brian cupped my face with both hands and kissed the top of my head quickly.

"Thanks for the info, kiddo," he said, before disappearing up the stairs.

Crane put his arm around me and pulled me close, finally giving me the cuddle I so craved. I sidled into him further, laying my head on his chest. I thought he might question me further, want to know what on earth was happening, but he didn't. He stretched his legs out on the coffee table and turned the TV on and we sat watching it. After a short while I pulled away a little and said quietly, "I don't want Guthrie to get punished."

I heard Crane chuckle softly.

"You don't want him to get a spanking, you mean?"

"It's not funny!" I protested, feeling a bit affronted.

Crane rubbed my arm soothingly.

"I know, I'm sorry little one. I wasn't laughing at that. Look, the guys are generally fair, aren't they?"

"Yea," I admitted.

"So, whatever is goin' on with Guthrie, they'll find out and if they think that a punishment is appropriate then it will be proportionate. Do you know what proportionate means?"

"I think so," I said. I could work out the meaning from the context of the sentence anyway. "Does it mean fair?"

"Yes. The punishment, if there is one, will be fair."

"I guess so," I said, though personally, I didn't think it was fair for Guthrie to be punished at all! He was only trying to help someone out- he would never have cheated otherwise.

Crane looked down at me.

"Do you have homework?"

I was loathed to admit that I did. I normally don't mind doing my homework- it's not a choice anyway so I'm used to it. Tonight though, I didn't feel like it at all.

"Yea…"

"Better come through to the kitchen and get it done then."

I gave Crane a pitiful look. "Do I have to?"

"You know the answer to that."

Crane stood up then and told me to get my homework from my bag. My homework was upstairs though, in my bedroom because I had taken it out my bag before I'd been to the library. When I told Crane this, he said I should quickly get it from my room, even though that's where Guthrie, Adam and Brian were talking.

I ran upstairs. The door to the bedroom that I shared with Guthrie was shut, but I could hear voices coming from inside, though I couldn't make out what was being said. Even though it was my room, I felt like I shouldn't just barge in, considering the circumstances, so I knocked lightly and then heard Adam's voice telling me to come in.

I opened the door a little and slid in. Brian was sitting on Guthrie's bed, facing Adam who was in the big chair that sat in the corner of our room, with his arms around Guthrie on his lap. Guthrie's face was tear streaked and puffy, like he'd been crying heavily. I cry like that all the time, but it's not often to see Guthrie in that way and it tugged at my heart.

"Crane told me to get my homework," I said, by way of explanation for why I was there.

Adam smiled at me.

"Good idea, honey."

Guthrie didn't look at me. He kept his head buried into Adam and the conversation that was going on seemed to halt while I was in the room. I quickly got my homework which I'd left on my bed and left the room.

I took my homework downstairs and through to the kitchen. My other brothers were just finishing up theirs. They all looked at me in interest as I walked in.

"What's all the drama about?" Evan asked me as I sat down.

I was done with talking for the evening though.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said moodily.

Is Guthrie okay?" Ford asked, sounding worried. He and Guthrie are really close.

"He's with Adam and Brian upstairs," I said.

"Did he really cheat?" asked Daniel.

I looked to Crane for help.

"Give her a break, fellas. If you're done with your homework, go do something else."

The boys grumbled, but they obeyed Crane. Evan and Daniel were done and so Daniel went through to the living room and Evan said he was going to say goodnight to Diablo and left via the back door. Ford took a little longer to finish his homework, but he didn't bug me any longer.

I gave Crane a small smile to say thanks and he smiled back and winked at me. He sat at the table with me too, reading his book while I did my homework. I was very tired with the events and emotion of the day, and so concentrating wasn't so easy, but having Crane there, sitting with me was a motivator. Plus, he helped me a bit more than he ever would have normally when I had a question. Usually, he said I should do things by myself as much as poissble.

After I'd done my homework, Crane told me to go on upstairs and take a shower.

"It'll make you feel better," he said.

I went back upstairs to my bedroom. The door was a little ajar this time, rather than being fully closed, but I still knocked before I went in. Guthrie was fast asleep on Adam now.

"Crane told me to take a shower," I said, still hovering at the entrance to the door.

"Good idea," Brian said, echoing Adam's words earlier.

My bedding had been changed by Brian that day while I was at school, and so the pyjamas I'd been wearing had also gone downstairs to be washed. I rummaged in my pyjama drawer, deciding which ones to wear, while Adam and Brian talked quietly about whether to wake Guthrie for a shower or not.

"I think we should leave him," Brian said. "Poor little guy's worn out."

"Yea," Adam said. "I'll get him up a little bit earlier tomorrow to take a shower."

"You okay, baby?" Adam said, looking over at me then.

I nodded. Adam smiled at me.

"We'll read in my room tonight, so we don't wake Guth, okay?"

I agreed and then finally chose a pair of pyjamas- yellow with white stars on them- and carted them to the bathroom with me.

Once I was there though, I decided that I didn't want to wear them after all. They weren't bobbly enough. I'm very particular about the pyjamas that I wear: I like them to be as old and worn and soft as possible.

I padded back to my room quietly, but something stopped me from going straight in. It could be because although Adam and Brian were talking quietly, most likely so they didn't wake Guthrie, I heard Brian use a string of curses to describe Michael's dad. Things I'd never heard before and things that I had head, that if I ever dared say in the presence of my oldest brothers, they'd immediately wash my mouth out with soap.

"I've got a good mind to go on over there now and teach that son of a bitch a lesson. See how he likes pickin' on someone his own size," Brian said. His voice was low, but he sounded furious.

"Oh that's a great plan," Adam said sarcastically, "Just great. You'd end up in jail and then where would be? No, we gotta handle this properly."


	55. I may have

I took a moment to hover at the door to my bedroom; If I went in now, my brothers might think I had been eavesdropping and even though I sort of had been, it wasn't intentional. Still, I didn't want to risk it, especially as I'd been in trouble for it before, so I headed back to the bathroom. I could change my pyjamas later.

I took my time in the shower, enjoying the hot water coursing over my body. Taking an age in the shower is usually Guthrie's department- he takes a notoriously long time, and I'm generally the quicker one. Still, the hot water soothed me and being in there alone gave me time to think. I must have been in there a while though because there was a rap at the door and then I heard Brian asking me if I was okay.

I called back that I was and quickly finished in the shower and then went through my nightly routine: teeth brushing etc. Adam was always having to check if Guthrie had brushed his teeth, and Evan as well- the two of them just couldn't be bothered I guess, but he trusted me because I always did it properly. When I was done, I headed back to my bedroom to change my pyjamas into the softer, comfier ones. Adam and Brian weren't in there anymore and Guthrie was curled up under the covers fast asleep. It looked like he had his pyjama top on, so I figured that Adam or Brian had helped him change while he was half asleep. I grabbed one of my Ramona books that I had taken out from the library earlier that day and headed down to the living room.

Daniel was strumming on his guitar and then stopping to writing down chords on a piece of music sheet and Ford was tinkering around on the piano. Evan was laying flat out on one of the couches tossing a mini softball into the air with one hand and then catching it with the other. None of them took notice of me until I asked them where Adam and Brian were.

"In the kitchen," Evan said, tossing the ball up into the air again without looking at me.

I padded into the kitchen. Crane, Adam and Brian were seated round the far end of the table, talking quietly, their heads close together. Brian and Crane each had a beer in hand. They stopped talking immediately when they saw me.

Adam smiled at me. "Hi honey, ready for bed?"

"Uh huh."

"Go on up to my room then and get comfy; I'll be there in a minute."

"Okay," I said. I held up my book. "I've got my book too."

"Good girl," Adam said. "Go on now."

"Ok. Good night guys," I said, aiming my words at Brian and Crane."

"Night, baby," Brian said and then Crane smile at me encouragingly and told me to sleep well.

When I got to Adam's room, I settled on his bed, under the covers even and started to read my book to myself. It wasn't long at all before Adam came upstairs as well. He smiled when he saw me.

"I see you've made yourself comfortable."

"You told me to!" I protested.

Adam laughed. "You're right, I did."

He slipped off his shoes and then came to sit on his bed, his back against the headboard. I shifted so I was sitting up a little, leaning against him.

Adam used his index finger to sweep my bangs away from my eyes.

"Tough day, huh?"

"Yeah," I admitted.

"I'm sorry," Adam said, looking down at me sombrely.

"Huh?" I asked, confused. "Why are you sorry? You haven't done anything wrong."

Adam smiled at me sadly.

"No. But I'm sorry that Guthrie and then you have been put into this situation. I wish I could protect you from the world forever, but I can't."

I snuggled into Adam and he put his arm around me, drawing me closer into him.

"Adam, why is Michael's dad so mean?"

"I can't answer that, Heidi. No one can say why someone acts in a particular way."

I wasn't looking at him, but I could hear the sadness in his voice.

Unexpectedly tears sprung up again, but I quickly wiped them away.

"I'm scared," I admitted.

"Adam tightened his arm around me.

"You just let me and Brian take care of things now, alright?"

I nodded and then looked up at Adam.

"Is Guthrie okay?"

"He's alright; he just needs a good night's sleep now."

"Did you spank him, Adam?" I asked, my heart in my throat. I knew that the answer was almost certainly no, since I would have heard from downstairs if he had, but I still wanted to check.

Adam's frowned.

"No."

"Are you going to?"

Adam frowned deeper and for a moment, he looked sort of stern.

"Other people's punishments aren't any of your business, Heidi."

"I know," I admitted. "But I just think it's unfair if you do because it's not really Guthrie's fault at all and he was just trying to protect Michael and really what was he do to because he was worried that Michael was-"

"Heidi."

Adam's tone was firm, and I recognised from the deep frown between his brow that he was irritated. I stopped talking abruptly.

"I'm not going to spank Guthrie and he knows that too. I understand that you want to protect your brother, but it's not your place to tell me what you think I should or shouldn't do. Alright?"

"Sorry…" I said softly. I felt so relieved at the fact that Adam had said that he wouldn't spank Guthrie that it softened the blow of his reprimand. I felt a wave of gratitude that he was my big brother and guardian and that I didn't have to live with someone awful like Michael's horrible father.

"Why don't we read now?" Adam asked, in a more normal tone. He picked up the book which was resting next to me.

"Okay, it's really funny!" I said and then proceeded to tell him about what I had read so far.

Adam read to me then- I managed to persuade him to read me two whole chapters because they weren't long. He'd never admit but I think he quite enjoyed it. When he was done, he followed me to my bedroom. Before I got into bed, I gave him an enormous hug, squeezing him hard around the middle.

"What's that for?" Adam asked, sounding surprised.

I pressed the side of my face into him.

"I'm just really glad that you're my big brother."

/

The next morning at breakfast, Daniel talked manically about his upcoming concert that evening. He issued us all with more orders, even though he had given us plenty of directives the previous evening. Evan, Ford and even Brian teased him about it.

Guthrie and I laughed along with everyone else, but Guthrie was really quiet. I knew from our chat in the morning when we had woken up that he didn't want to go to school that day. Even though Adam and Brian had said that they would handle the situation and that Guthrie didn't need to worry anymore, he was still anxious for Michael and embarrassed to see Mrs Whitby. I understood that. We both liked Mrs Whitby a lot, even though she had been the catalyst to sending me to my Saturday class. Neither of us wanted her to think badly of us.

"But she'll understand that you're not really a cheater and that you just wanted to protect Michael," I reasoned with him.

Guthrie only shrugged moodily.

Guthrie also told me that Adam had said that although he understood the difficult situation Guthrie had been placed it, there had been a better way to handle it and that cheating, or letting someone cheat from you was never the right thing to do. Guthrie was grounded for the week, a punishment that would be harder for him than it ever was for me because I was much better at entertaining myself with indoor activities that didn't include the TV.

"What about Daniel's concert tonight?" I asked him, alarmed.

"Adam says I can come to that because we're all going as a family and that Daniel wants us all there and so he doesn't want to punish Daniel too."

"Oh. Well that's nice of him, right?" I said.

"Yea."

/

I could tell that Guthrie wasn't overly keen on having to go to school that morning, but he didn't complain about it the way I did when I didn't want to go. I guess he was nervous about seeing Michael and whether he would know that Guthrie had told our brothers what had happened. Neither of us knew what they had planned.

Michael wasn't in school though, a fact which I knew was bugging Guthrie a lot. Every time I looked at him that morning, I could tell that he was nervous. He couldn't keep still, and he looked generally very miserable. Enough that Mrs Whitby asked him a couple of times if he was alright.

Michael may not have been in school, but guess who did turn up? Olivia! She arrived about 9.30am and she stayed until after morning recess when she went home. When she walked in through the door, accompanied by Mr Doolan the guidance counsellor, I exclaimed out loud in surprise and joy, "Olivia!"

That made everyone laugh and Mrs Whitby said to Olivia smiling, "It looks like someone else is as happy to see you here as I am."

Mrs Whitby then asked Chelsea Dunlap, the girl who sits next to me, to move to where Olivia usually sits and then she let Olivia and I sit together. Chelsea didn't seem to mind.

I was so happy to have my best friend back at school again, even if it was just for a little while! At recess, I had planned to catch up with Guthrie, but he ran outside to play soccer with the other kids. Olivia and I went to our special hang out spot, under one of the big trees in the schoolyard and Olivia told me that she was going to be coming in a little bit longer every day until the Winter Break.

"I didn't want to… I mean I wanted to come back and see you. But I didn't want to come back to school. But my mom and dad said that if I do this then they'll get me proper horse-riding lessons so that I can come on rides with you at the ranch."

"But we can teach you to ride!" I protested. "Or at least Evan can. Or Brian. He said he would!"

"That's what I told my mom, but she said that your brothers have enough to do on the ranch without teaching me to ride."

"Oh," I said, thinking. It was true that my oldest brothers in particular were always really busy. Still, I didn't think they'd mind. I vowed to speak to Brian about it. If Olivia had lessons over at our house, then I would get to see her way more often!

/

Surprisingly, both Adam and Brian were in the house, along with Crane when Guthrie and I got home. We were home before the others, apart from Daniel who was going to stay at school to practice with his band and get prepared for the concert.

They were all in the kitchen when we trooped in after dumping our backpacks at the foot of the stairs. Crane was sitting at the table with the ranch accounts and both Adam and Brian were making supper. It looked like they'd both recently showered too because their hair looked damp.

"What are you all doing here?" I asked, in surprise.

Crane looked up from the papers.

"Last time I checked, little one, we live here."

I gave him a comical, narrow eyed look.

"I know, silly, but Adam and Brian. They're never both in the house so early on a weekday!"

Adam smiled.

"We've got to shift everythin' to a bit earlier tonight because of Daniel's concert. We're goin' to have an early supper and get any homework done before we leave."

"Can we get ice cream on the way home?!" I asked.

It was sort of a tradition, if we had enough money at that time, to get ice cream on the way home if we'd been out as a family to one of my brother's games or concerts.

Adam looked at Crane. "I don't know. Crane, what do the accounts look like?"

Crane looked thoughtful for a couple of seconds but then he smiled.

"I think we can spring it."

"Yay!" I cheered.

"How was school, Guth?" Adam said, turning his attention to Guthrie who so far had remained silent.

Guthrie shrugged but then he said, "It was okay… but Michael wasn't there."

He looked up at Adam.

"Do you know why?"

I saw Brian, who was chopping vegetables at the counter purse his lips at Guthrie's question.

"I don't know why in particular, Guth," Adam said, "But I know that some people are going to try to help Michael and his mom."

Some people? What did that mean? I was glad when Guthrie asked, "Who? What people?"

"People who can help in situations like these."

"But who?" Guthrie asked insistently. His face was beginning to flush a little red.

Adam came and put one hand on either of Guthrie's shoulders.

"Guthrie, look at me."

When Guthrie did, he said, "I promised you that Brian and I were goin' to take care of the situation and that's what we've done. Michael and his mom are in good hands, alright?"

I didn't think that was a particularly satisfactory answer, seeing that Adam had sort of dodged the question, but Guthrie accepted it and nodded. Adam smoothed his hair back.

"Let's just focus on havin' a good time tonight at Daniel's concert. Go on up and take a shower."

"I already showered this morning, remember?" Guthrie said.

"Oh yea, that's right," Adam said. He looked at me. "Well then, Heidi go on up then. It might be late by the time we get home. Especially if we stop for ice cream."

"Okay," I said, "But I gotta talk to Brian first about something."

"Oh?" Brian said, raising his eyebrows and looking at me. "What's that then?"

I went to stand next to him at the counter and told him about what Olivia had said about horse riding."

"Olivia was at school today? That's great isn't it?" Adam interjected.

I nodded but then said to Brian, "So what do you think Bri? Do you think Olivia could have lessons here?"

"Well in theory I guess it would be okay I guess but-"

"I bet her mom would even pay you! And that would be good, right? To bring in some extra money?"

Brian frowned. "You don't need to be worryin' about money, Heidi. Let us do that."

"Okay," I said impatiently, "But would you give Olivia lessons; if she wanted you to, I mean?"

Brian crossed to the fridge and pulled out things to make a salad.

"Look, let's just see if Olivia manages her end of the deal- comin' to school every day until Winter Break and then we'll talk about it, okay?"

"She will," I said confidently. "I know she will."

/

After an early supper and then some reduced homework time, Adam told us to get ready for the concert. I had changed after my shower, but I decided I wanted to wear a different T-shirt- a blue one with little lilac flowers on it. While I was in my room, I grabbed the hair clips that Olivia's mom had bought for us the day of the shooting. I thought they would look pretty to hold back the bits of hair that were too short to be pulled back into a braid. My hair had grown some since my last hair cut- enough to pull it back into a ponytail or braid it, but it was still on the short side. I took my hairbrush downstairs into the living room in search of Brian who was the best at braiding my hair. He couldn't do anything fancy, but he was neater than Adam.

Brian was there, shining his shoes, alongside Crane, Evan and Ford who were ready and just lounging around in the living room.

"Bri, can you please braid my hair?" I asked, coming down the stairs waving the hairbrush.

"Yep; come sit down here in front of me."

"I could do it for you," Crane said then, unexpectedly. "I could even do one of those fancy ones if you wanted. What do you call it? A French braid?"

We all turned to look at Crane.

Evan burst out laughing. "How do _you_ know how to braid hair?"

Crane shrugged. "I learned it at college."

"We're sendin' you to college to learn how to braid hair?" Brian said incredulously. But I could also tell from the look on his face that he was mightily amused.

"I've seen it done lots of times so I can do it. Or at least I think I can anyway. Heidi, come over here so I can try it," Crane said, holding out his hand for the brush.

"Learned from who?" Evan demanded.

"It's whom," Crane said.

Evan waved his hand dismissively. "Whatever. Stop trying to dodge the question. Who have you watched?"

"Yea, Crane," Brian said, a big grin on his face, "Do tell."

Ford sat up on the couch, looking on in interest.

Crane shrugged non-committedly and held his hand out to me for the hairbrush again. I gave it to him and went to sit in front of him.

"I bet it's that girl who you were talkin' to for hours over Thanksgiving break. Is she your girlfriend, Crane?"

"You got a girlfriend, little brother?" Brian said.

Crane flushed red, just a little from the neck up, but he kept his composure.

"I may have."

 **I hope everyone is keeping well out there. Does anyone else feel like March has been the longest month EVER?! I'm working from home now which in theory should give me more time, so I hope to be able to update more often. I'll be elaborating more on Michael and his mom in later chapters. Stay safe everyone!**


	56. Daniel's concert

Well, of course, the minute Crane admitted to 'maybe' having a girlfriend, we all started talking at once. Crane had dated in high school, especially in the last couple of years, but he'd never had a real girlfriend, and he'd never brought a girl home as a girlfriend either. He was bombarded with questions from all sides asking him her name, what she looked like, where she was from and the like. Crane had been about to try French braiding my hair, but I swivelled round and took part in the barrage of questioning. That's what we were all doing when Adam came out of his bedroom and down the stairs. He looked bemused at all the noise.

"What's goin' on here?" he asked loudly, so he could be heard above the din.

"Crane's got a girlfriend!" Guthrie shouted with glee.

A slow smile spread over Adam's face. He looked at Crane.

"Really, little brother? Well, do tell. Who is she?"

"We've already asked that- he won't say!" Evan said.

Crane sat back on the couch, looking amused.

"Maybe if you lot would be quiet for more than 5 seconds, I could get a word in edgeways,"

Brian held out his arms as though to cast a spell.

"Everybody, hush. Let little brother here talk."

Crane laughed though his face was still red. Crane's not shy, but he doesn't love being the centre of attention, the way that Daniel does, or Brian or Guthrie.

"Her name is Beth."

"Beth!" I exclaimed. "That's such a pretty name. Beth." I liked the feel of it on my tongue.

"What does she look like?" Evan said at the same time that Ford asked, "Where's she from?"

"She's from Rhode Island on the East coast," Crane said.

"The East coast, huh?" Brian said, looking impressed. "Fancy."

"No, she's pretty down to earth," Crane said.

"Crane, what does she look like?" Evan said again, more insistently this time.

"She's obviously gonna be a 9 or 10, right Crane?" Guthrie said.

"Guthrie, we don't talk about women that way," Adam scolded.

"But Brian talks that way all the time!" Guthrie protested.

Adam gave Brian a look that plainly said, 'Look at what you've done' and Brian at least had the good grace to look embarrassed.

"Yea, Guth, but it's not nice," he said, even though I heard him talking about girls that way all the time.

Adam looked at his watch. "We've gotta get goin' if we don't want to be late," he said.

"But Crane hasn't done my hair yet!" I protested, gesturing to the hairbrush that was still in his hands.

"I can do it in the truck," Crane said.

Questions followed Crane out the door. Adam rescued him by insisting that he sit up in the truck cab with him and because Crane was going to try to do my hair, I got to sit up there too. I was glad of it because it was warm in there. Our family is so big that the only way to get somewhere all together is to use the truck. In the winter though, it can get chilly, and even though we put on coats and take blankets in the truck bed, it can still be a little uncomfortable sometimes.

I saw in between Adam and Crane, facing Adam with my back to Crane so he could attempt to braid my hair.

"I can't promise I'll do it right," he said as soon as we had started rumbling along our driveway.

"That's okay," I said, "If you don't manage then I'll wear it in a ponytail."

When Crane started, I took the opportunity to ask him my own questions about Beth.

"What colour hair does she have?" I asked.

"She's blonde."

"Evan blonde? Or Ford blonde?"

"More like Ford blonde."

"Is it long, or short?"

"Long."

"And what color eyes does she have?"

Crane laughed. "Why do you want to know all this?"

"I want to be able to picture her in my mind," I said.

"Okay. Well, her eyes are green. Sort of like the color of grass," Crane said.

"Where did you meet her?" Adam asked.

"Ouch," I said as Crane pulled a little too hard on my hair.

"Sorry, Heidi," and then to Adam he said, "We met at a party a couple of months ago."

Adam grinned. "The million-dollar question is when we're goin' to get to meet her," he said.

"I think I want to date her a bit longer before I bring her to meet this rabble," Crane said.

"I'm not surprised; it's goin' to take a special kind of woman to deal with our bunch," he said, dryly.

I thought he looked kind of sad when he said it.

"Would you like a girlfriend, Adam?" I asked.

"It would be nice," Adam said. "But I don't have time for a girlfriend, what with the ranch and you kids."

"Oh," I said, thinking hard. "But if you _did_ have time, would you want one?"

"Yeah," Adam said, "But since I most definitely do not have time, there's no point in talkin' about it."

"There you go," Crane said, putting the hair tie on the bottom of my braid. "Done."

I reached up to feel the intricate row of braiding that Crane had weaved. Then I shifted over closer to him to pull down the visor on the passenger side of the truck that had a little mirror inside and inspected my hair.

"I love it, Crane, thank you!" I said.

"Looks real pretty, honey," Adam said, glancing at me.

"Not too shabby for my first time," Crane said.

"Does Beth do her hair like this every day?" I asked Crane.

"Most days."

"She sounds like a princess," I said dreamily. Even though I knew it was silly and unrealistic, I'd already kitted her out in my mind into one of the Disney princesses- to be specific- Sleeping Beauty.

/

I loved going to the high school. I'd been before a few times for things to do with Crane and I loved the wide hallways and all the different notices and auditorium which was palatial compared to the auditorium in elementary school. Everything was so much bigger and grander it seemed. Adam and Brian had been big deals at school- Adam had been top of his class and a big basketball star and Brian had played basketball and football. They were always greeted warmly by teachers and coaches and office staff who worked there who always wanted to know how they were and how we were. This time was no different and we were stopped by various people before we even made it to the auditorium where the concert was being held. This time, they also wanted to talk to Crane too and ask him questions about how he was liking college. People kept commenting on how much Guthrie and I had grown since the last time they'd seen us, which was silly in my opinion as it had only been 6 months since Crane's graduation from high school, but I smiled politely anyway. Evan, Ford and Guthrie got bored and went ahead to get us seats, but I was happy to linger around and read the notices on the walls and look at the pictures behind glass cabinets.

By the time we made it into the auditorium, it was almost time for the concert to start. The boys had saved us seats relatively near the front and I sat in between Crane and Guthrie. There was a programme on the chairs, just a paper flier, but it showed that the Juggernauts- Daniel's band- were going to be on last. I heard Brian grumbling to Adam that they'd have to sit through all the other acts before we saw Daniel. I didn't mind though. I was completely enthralled by the posse of teenage girls who came on stage and did a sort of sexy Christmas dance. I could tell from Evan's expression that he enjoyed that act too. I took in every detail of their appearance from their different hair styles down to the nail polish they were wearing on their fingers. One of them had a different color on every nail! I'm not sure I even registered their dance- it was just their very 'girliness' that was fascinating to me. There were solo singers and a couple of more dancing acts and then a heavy metal band, an act that I definitely did not enjoy. And then, it was time for Daniel's band: the Juggernauts.

I'll admit to being a bit nervous about seeing them perform. I'd only ever heard them rehearsing in our barn or in the house and that was pretty hit and miss. But you know what? They were amazing- and it wasn't my opinion because Daniel's my brother. Everybody thought so.

I'd seen Daniel perform before, but never as part of his own band, and he was, for want of a better word- mesmerising. They sang a song that I'd heard them practice in the barn, but this time it was so much better. The band sounded pitch perfect- every note and when Daniel sang, you couldn't take your eyes off him. I heard Crane turn to Brian, who was next to him and say, "Wow, they're really good, aren't they!" and Brian say, "They sure are."

When they reached the end of their number, the crowd not only clapped and cheered like they had for the other acts, but they whooped and whistled, and of course me and my brothers joined in and made sure we were the loudest. And then, someone, definitely not from our family though, started a chant, "One more song" and the chant grew louder and reached a crescendo as more people joined in. Daniel and the guys looked shell shocked for all of about 5 seconds, but then Daniel grinned easily and turned to say something to the band, and they nodded, and started to play another song. And after that they played another one! When they finally took a bow, I saw a look in Daniel's eyes that I hadn't seen for a long time, for sure not since Crane had left for college. It was pure joy.

/

Once again it took forever to leave the high school. We waited outside the auditorium where everyone was gathered and talking and socialising- teachers, other kids from school and parents. Some of the kids who had performed were coming out from back stage now to be greeted by their families. We met Frankie, JD and Ben's families too who were also there. Frankie's parents were nothing like him- he has green hair, and Daniel had mentioned before that he wanted to get a tattoo- but his parents looked to be the very picture of convention. They were very supportive though, and Adam and Brian stood with the other guys' parents while they all talked about how good the band had been.

I needed the toilet so slipped off while we waited for Daniel. I was finished and washing my hands when the group of girls that had performed the sexy Christmas jingle/dance burst into the bathroom, all laughing and talking at once. They had changed into different clothes, but I recognised them immediately.

"That band at the end- the Juggernauts were awesome," one of them said.

"And the lead singer is super cute- what's his name?" said the girl who had a different colour on every nail.

"I don't know- I've not seen him around here before. But what a voice!" a third, blonde one said.

Ordinarily I would have been intimidated to talk to a group of older girls, especially pretty, popular ones like that, but now I felt like I could burst with pride.

"His name is Daniel! Daniel McFadden. He's my big brother," I said.

The girls turned to pay attention to me.

"And he goes here?" the different color nail girl said.

I nodded. "He's a freshman. The whole band are."

"Ohh- that's why we haven't seen them before," the blonde girl said. "We're sophomores."

"Is he single?" different color nail asked, which made the other girls dissolve into giggles.

"As far as I know."

Different colour nail girl reached into her back pocket and pulled out a thin piece of paper. It looked like a receipt of some kind.

"This'll do," she said, looking at it. Then she turned to the other girls. "Anyone got a pen?"

"I've got lipstick," the blonde girl offered.

Different color nail girl took it from her and then used the sink mirror to lean against while she wrote something on the piece of paper. She was right in front of me when she did it, so she was blocking my view, but when she'd finished, she held it out and said, "Can you give this to your brother for me?"

I took the paper from her. There was a phone number on it, written in a shimmery pink. Above it was the name 'Clara'.

"Sure."

"Tell him to call me," she said.

"Okay," I said, and then more shyly I said to her, "I like the different colors on your nails. And I liked your act tonight too."

Clara smiled. "You're so sweet." She looked around at the other girls. "Isn't she the sweetest?"

"I like your braid," she said to me.

I'd forgotten about it, but now touched it self-conciously, and then flushed with pleasure.

"Thanks," I said.

I was on cloud 9 when I came out of the bathroom and headed back to where my family were. Daniel had come out while I was in the bathroom and he was now surrounded by my brothers, who were pulling him every which way and back slapping him, telling him what a great job the band had done. He was surrounded by people so I put the paper in my pocket to keep it safe, and then being small, I weaselled into the foray so I could hug Daniel too.

/

On the way home, I wanted to ride in the bed of the truck. Crane, Adam and Ford rode in the front. It was colder than when we'd set out and so everyone in the truck bed bundled up under the blankets we had brought, all together. I made sure I was snuggled up close to Brian because he's a human radiator at the best of times. As we rumbled home, conversation in the truck remained on the band's performance.

"Who would have thought that the screechin' comin' out of the barn all this time could result in a performance like that!" Brian said, teasingly.

"Was it really that good?" Daniel said.

"You know it was- you just want to us to keep heapin' praise on you," Evan said playfully.

"I'll tell you what, partner, I don't think you'll have trouble gettin' a date for a while," Brian said.

"I never had trouble," Daniel said cockily.

"Oh, that reminds me," I said, remembering the note in my pocket. I fished it out and handed it to Daniel. "I went to the toilet and a girl gave me this to give to you."

Brian grinned. "Alright! Way to go, little brother."

Daniel peered at it closely. "It's kinda smudged but I think I can make out the numbers."

"Whose it from?" Guthrie asked.

Daniel looked at the note again. "A girl called Clara."

"Do you know her?" Evan asked.

"She's one of the girls who was in that jingle act, near the beginning. The one with a different color nail polish for every nail," I said. "She said she liked my braid!"

Brian ran a hand over my hair.

"Does that mean I'm outta a job?" he asked me playfully.

"Only when Crane's in town. You're my backup," I told him.

"I still don't know which one Clara is," Daniel said.

"Doesn't matter, they were all real pretty," Evan said.

"That's true," Daniel conceded. He looked really pleased with himself. He looked around suddenly at the passing scenery. "Hey, this isn't the way home."

"We're goin' for ice cream! Adam said we would." Guthrie said.

"Alright!" Daniel said, pumping his fist in front of him. "This night just keeps gettin' better."

 **I want to say thank you so much to the people who review, both those who review faithfully every chapter and who review periodically. And I want to say thanks to the people who read and don't review too. Please know your support means so much to me and I don't take it for granted at all. Thank you also to Ponygirlrunner25 who left a bunch of reviews in the past couple of days for both my current stories- so kind of you. I find it difficult to write sometimes- once I've started, I'm fine but I really have to push myself to start, especially just now when the temptation is to become a complete slug. The reviews and the engagement are so motivating for me. I hope everyone is staying safe and well. xxx**


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